Chapter 34 Patton
thirty-four
patton
Seven Schlongs Hen Party
Troy Winters
Has anyone heard from Patton today? Sarina’s been blowing up my phone. He’s not responding to any of his missed calls or messages, and Nisha is looking for him.
Dev Menon
Piper has been calling me, too.
Dean Meyer
He’s probably in the middle of filming a men’s cologne commercial or some shit. The dude always smells so good.
Hudson Case
Not at all weird that you’ve sniffed him.
Dean Meyer
Please, as if you haven’t done it yourself. Everyone knows what a hard-on you have for him. Don’t act like you wouldn’t buy his post-workout sweat.
Garrett Meyer
An article I read recently said Patton Pierce’s used bathwater was in high demand. How much do you wanna bet that demand comes from one person in our group?
Hudson Case
Fuck off. I just admire the man’s craft.
Dean Meyer
Is that why you have his whiskey commercial bookmarked on your browser? The one where he’s shirtless, wearing a cowboy hat, showing off his abs. Because of his CRAFT??
Hudson Case
I like that brand of whiskey!
Garrett Meyer
I think you like that brand of shirtless.
Dev Menon
Hey idiots! No one’s answered Troy’s question. Nisha is in labor, and both our wives are looking for Patton.
Garrett Meyer
Whoa! Nisha’s in labor?
Dean Meyer
Jesus, @Troy Winters, maybe lead with that next time.
Darian Meyer
Wow. Nisha’s in labor and she can’t reach Patton? Didn’t he tell us about something similar? The reason she left him the first time?
Garrett Meyer
Shit. I forgot about that.
Troy Winters
Which is why Sarina is freaking out. This isn’t just bad timing; it’s literally the WORST timing. I called his agent, but he said they left the meeting this morning in separate cars.
Dev Menon
Wait, so he’s not still in the meeting? Because that’s where the ladies thought he was.
Troy Winters
No. Apparently, he left over two hours ago and was headed to the salon to surprise Nisha.
Dev Menon
Shit. This is even more ominous.
Darian Meyer
But if, God forbid, something terrible happened to him, it would be all over the news by now. The guy’s a famous movie star.
Dean Meyer
So either he’s fine or choosing not to respond or was abducted by aliens.
Garrett Meyer
Honestly, I hope for his sake he’s been abducted by aliens. Because as much as we’ll miss him, and Hudson will miss his “craft,” the dude’s not going to survive Nisha’s wrath.
Hudson Case
Why did you type craft in quotations?
Dean Meyer
Because we know you aren’t watching his movies for the plot, old man. And for once, I understand you. I never watched Troy’s games for his pitching.
Troy Winters
Please, no one ask what the hell he was watching instead.
Dev Menon
No one needs to. Pretty sure Dean has slow-motion footage of you stretching before games.
Troy Winters
Christ. I’m so glad I officially retired.
Dean Meyer
@Patton Pierce? @Patton Pierce? Hello!? @Patton Pierce??
Dev Menon
What the hell are you doing, dumbass?
Dean Meyer
What? I’m trying to tag him so he sees these messages.
Hudson Case
[GIF of Jeff Bridges from The Big Lebowski running his hand down his face]
Troy Winters
What do you think missed calls and direct messages do, Dean?
Garrett Meyer
Bro, tagging him on a text thread isn’t going to summon him. He’s not fucking Beetlejuice.
Dean Meyer
That’s true. Because saying Beetlejuice three times would mean he’d ACTUALLY show up.
Darian Meyer
Just wait until Patton comes back and reads this thread.
Dean Meyer
Shit. How do I delete that previous message?? Patton, brother, homie . . . you know I’m just messing around. I say stupid shit all the time.
Hudson Case
Finally, something we can all agree on.
Troy Winters
Not sure you have to worry, Dean. If I know my sister-in-law, Patton might not live to see another day, even if he DOES come back. When we spoke earlier, Sarina said Nisha looked homicidal.
Garrett Meyer
I don’t blame her. Shit, @Patton Pierce, get your ass to the hospital. I don’t want to have to write your eulogy with “he had his whole life ahead of him”.
Hudson Case
I could call Patton’s publicist. Or reach out to his personal trainer and his dog walker. Any of them might know.
Dev Menon
You have his dog walker’s number? And here I thought Dean was the lunatic.
Dean Meyer
Hey! At least I’m a CHARMING lunatic! Hudson’s straight up stalking. He’s not even as youthful as I am.
Troy Winters
Call whoever, Hudson. We need to find out where he is. I’m heading to the hospital. Not much else we can do from here.
Dev Menon
I’m headed there, too. See you in a bit.
Garrett Meyer
Keep us posted. And @Hudson Case? Maybe keep the dog walker thing to yourself? I wouldn’t want Patton to find out.
Darian Meyer
He’s on the thread, dumbass.
Garrett Meyer
Oh, that’s right. Well, @Patton Pierce, I hope you were sitting down while you read this.