Chapter 27 #2
Right , I think, shaking my head. Just like my mom .
If everyone in my life had just stuck to tradition, yesterday would have started with Pag’s and ended with a movie marathon, which would have taken place around a tree that my mother and sister and I picked out and decorated together.
And maybe I wouldn’t have had my first kiss, but I also wouldn’t be totally humiliated and heartbroken.
This is why traditions matter. Because when you go rogue on ritual, you wind up with disaster.
And I am so angry with everyone around me for forgetting.
“Yeah, B, we’ve been doing our best,” Diya says.
“And also, some of those traditions don’t always turn out so great,” Cash says. “Every year, someone ends up sick when we go reverse caroling.”
“Yeah, remember last year, when you got pneumonia?” Diya adds.
“It was just a cold!” I say, even though I was in bed for a week. “And anyway, that doesn’t mean you abandon everything we’ve built just because things aren’t always perfect.”
“B, no one is abandoning anything,” Cash responds, frustrated. “We all love those memories.”
“Yeah,” Izaac adds. “It’s just that… we’re getting ready for the new stuff coming next year. And we can still make holiday memories without doing exactly what we’ve always done.”
“Totally! I mean, we already have such great stuff to add for next year,” Diya says. “Like miso hot cocoa.”
“It wasn’t that good.” I grumble out the lie.
Izaac ignores me and continues.
“Or Friendsgiving at Audra’s—”
“Audra,” I interrupt him. “Audra should be with us right now! I tried to convince her to come home.”
“You did?” Diya asks, surprised.
“Bennie, why would you do that?” Izaac asks.
“So you could have your family together on Christmas, the way it’s supposed to be!”
Everyone goes silent for a beat. Maybe I’ve managed to shut down this conversation. But their silence feels loaded, secretive, and I must be missing something.
“Bennie,” Izaac starts. “I know it’s hard with Naomi gone all the time and not having Michelle around for Christmas, but my situation is different.
I don’t think you’ve been hearing me. Of course I wish things were not how they are, but all that her coming would do is add even more tension and ruin her Christmas too. ”
I shake my head, incredulous.
“But you wanted to find her…,” I stammer. “I thought… Yesterday you said you needed her help.”
“Yeah, I did. Because I needed to talk to her about some things. And we did get to have that conversation,” he says. “Absolutely none of it was about getting her to come home, though.”
“Well, that would have been useful information,” I say. “But I guess you’re just not big on sharing these days.”
“What does that mean?” he asks.
“Tuesday, you made me promise not to tell Cash about your family stuff,” I say. “Meanwhile, you’re totally neglecting the fact that he’s a stress ball consumed by his phone, probably because he is legit worried about your future together.”
“Wait, what?” Cash says, then looks at Izaac and shrugs. “Fake news! I don’t know what she means.”
“B, I didn’t want you to worry Cash because he’s in the middle of his own shit,” Izaac says impatiently. “Not because I am breaking up with him or trying to keep secrets or something.”
“We are so solid,” Cash says, holding Izaac’s hand.
“More than ever.”
“Okay…,” I say, even more confused. “But what about our conversation at Grand Central?”
“What Delores said?” he asks. “I was just telling you because it was funny, and also totally ridiculous.”
“Okay, but you guys not doing gifts this year, and… and what about your birthday?” I ask, because I know that’s weird.
“B,” Izaac says, “I suggested we skip gifts for the same reason we haven’t started on birthday planning.”
Cash runs a hand through his hair and takes a breath.
“Well, the part you did get right is that I have been stressed,” he says. “There’s something I haven’t had a chance to tell you yet. Not because I was trying to keep it from you, but because I wasn’t going to say anything until I knew for sure. And now I do.”
“What is it?”
“I’m leaving sooner than expected.”
“What… what does that even mean?” I ask.
“Well, Aunt Bev can’t stick around until graduation.
She’s had some issues with insurance, and her arthritis has gotten worse.
She’s got to get more help, so she needs to move to Florida to live with her sister.
She asked me to come with her, but… for about a dozen reasons, including that it doesn’t make a lot of sense to move to Florida for a few months, I’ve decided not to go.
” He takes a breath and I try to process.
“So, after my birthday, once I turn eighteen, I’ll be on my own.
And rather than trying to find an apartment in Ripton that I probably can’t afford anyway for the last few months of school, I’m going to withdraw from RHS and move to Brooklyn early. ”
“That’s why he’s been on his phone a lot lately,” Izaac says.
“He’s trying to coordinate all of it. And it’s what I meant when I said talking to Audra would be helpful.
Not to try to convince her to come home, but to ask her for advice about Cash’s move, and see if there was anything she could do to help. ”
“I applied for a job at this café that Bev’s old friend owns, and I was waiting to see if I got approved for a room to rent nearby.
I was hoping to hear before the holiday so I wouldn’t be left hanging while the world shuts down for two weeks.
Because as you have observed, the whole thing makes me a little anxious… ”
“I… I…” I am completely stunned, but my brain goes into fix-it mode, because this has to be the worst solution possible. “Cash, no way. You can live with Naomi and me. You can have Michelle’s room!”
He shakes his head. “I love you, B, and I appreciate that. But I’m ready to go,” he says. “Ripton never really felt like home to me. I mean, you guys are my home, but you’ll be in New York next year too. It’s just a little time apart.”
I look at Izaac and Diya for support, but they’re silent. “Guys? How can you be okay with this?”
“I mean, I don’t love it,” Izaac says. “You think I haven’t come up with a thousand other plans, including the one you just said? But it’s not what Cash wants. Audra is going to watch out for him, and I’ll visit plenty. I’ll be happy to get out of Dodge anyway.”
An incredulous look takes up residence on my face. I don’t know what to say, so I look at Diya, who is still silent. “And… you knew about this?”
She nods.
“And do they know your plans?”
Diya hesitates. Have I blown up her spot too? But then she says, “Yes. But I only told them last night, while you were with Eve.”