6. Blair #2
When I step out of the shower, I wrap myself in my comfiest sweats, letting my wet hair drip down my back. I step out into the hall, freezing when I smell food cooking.
Who the hell is in my kitchen ?
I rub my hands over my arms, trying to convince myself that it’s fine, and the bogeyman isn’t waiting around the corner, biding their time until I wander into their trap.
A deep male voice rumbles, and I practically sprint toward it. The only person I trust around Niko right now is Andrei. I don’t want anyone else near my son.
I turn the corner, nearly tripping over my own feet when I skid to a stop.
It isn’t a bogeyman at all. It really is Andrei, his back to me as he flips pancakes on the stove. The adrenaline coursing through my veins washes away like sand. I sigh, relieved while the hollow emptiness leaves me feeling exhausted all over again.
At least I know that he’d never do anything to hurt Niko.
Niko turns toward me with a wide smile, a piece of half-chewed food stuck to his cheek with the sticky sheen of half-dried syrup.
“Morning, Mama!” he blurts, and I cringe at how full his mouth is.
He’s standing on his step stool by the counter, apparently unwilling to carry his food to the table before he digs in.
“Finish chewing before you try to talk, kid,” Andrei says without turning around.
Niko’s still in his pajamas and Andrei looks like he hasn’t slept a wink, but they look comfortable. Brushing it aside, I pull Niko against me, pressing a kiss to the top of his hair, needing him way more than he needs me right now.
“Morning, baby.” He looks happy, and I’m not sure how much longer it’ll last, so I’m going to savor it while I can.
He twists against me, trying to pull free, and I reluctantly let him.
“Did Andrei make these for you?” He swallows his food and smiles, nodding enthusiastically.
I swallow thickly. “That was nice of him, huh?”
“Uh huh! Thanks, Andrei.”
Andrei finally looks over his shoulder at us and flicks off the stove, a stack of pancakes piled on a plate next to him. He wordlessly pushes them in my direction, nodding at Niko.
“No problem. Hey, why don’t you go get washed up and play in your room for a while? I need to talk to your mom for a bit.” Niko, the little traitor, nods and hops off his stool before darting around me toward his room.
God, it’s going to be a nightmare to clean all his sticky handprints, but it’ll be a welcome distraction.
Once he’s gone, leaving me without the flimsy barrier his presence brought me, Andrei’s focus is unflinchingly on me, his eyes piercing and looking through to the very fibers of my soul.
He’s always been able to pin me in place with just a look, and I shift under his gaze now.
I’m not sure what he’s looking for, but I doubt he’s going to find it.
“How’re you feeling?” He catches me off guard with the sincerity in his voice. I open my mouth to tell him I’m fine out of reflex before I stop myself.
I’m not fine. I’m so far from fine it’d be funny under different circumstances. For a moment I want to tell him exactly that, but what’s the point? It’s not like he actually cares. He’s just asking to be polite.
Andrei isn’t the type of man who’s safe to open up to.
He’s just as likely to weaponize my feelings as he is to ignore them.
He’s being kind right now, but I can’t let myself forget who he is.
If he’s willing to hold me at gunpoint to get his way, I don’t want to know what he’d do if he knew all my inner thoughts and needed something from me.
Instead of answering, I ask the questions that have been screaming in the back of my head since I woke up.
“Has anyone talked to his mom yet? I don’t think she’d appreciate hearing the news from me. It would be better to hear it from someone she cares for.”
There’s a conflicted look on his face before he eventually nods. “Maksim talked to her last night. Before I got here.” He clears his throat, turning away as he moves to start cleaning up the dishes. “We both did.”
I look at the untouched plate in front of me, nodding to myself. I should have expected that. I know he makes a point of talking to the families of his men after they’re killed.
There’s a lump in my throat just thinking about it.
I’m glad he didn’t come over here. At least I didn’t have to deal with his hostility on top of everything else.
“You should eat,” Andrei prompts, pushing a glass of water in front of me.
I don’t know how to tell him I’m not hungry, that I’m not sure when I’ll be able to stomach the thought of food, but it sure as hell isn’t going to be today, so I take a sip from the glass, trying not to choke around my rickety emotions.
“Does Emiliya know?” I ask when it feels like I can breathe again.
I can’t bring myself to look at him, staring blankly at the slightly burnt pancakes in front of me instead.
She deserves to know. I’m not sure if she has any genuine feelings for Daniil, but she doesn’t deserve to find out through the gossip mill .
“Blair—”
“I don’t think I can be the one to tell her. I can’t put on a polite face with my dead husband’s mistress.” My throat is thick, the words choked off and quiet.
Andrei moves to stand in front of me, hands braced on the marble counter.
“Do you know where his body is? Who should I talk to about funeral arrangements?” I force myself to stop and catch my breath.
My heart’s pounding, like a dam is breaking inside my chest. “And what am I supposed to tell Niko? He practically worships Daniil, Andrei.” He takes my chin in his hand, forcing me to look up at him. “What the hell am I supposed to do?”
He moves slowly, like I’m a wild animal, as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. Immediately, his hands fall away sharply as if he’s been burned, and he takes a decisive step back.
“Emiliya knows. Maksim told her last night, too.” I have to close my eyes against the unexpected wave of betrayal.
Am I the last one to find out?
I choke on a sob, but he continues on, giving me only enough time to absorb his words.
“It was… a mess. There was no way to avoid cops getting involved. Daniil’s at the morgue.
You and Mila can work together on the funeral arrangements, but he probably had something organized in his will, so you won’t have to work from scratch.
They’ll release his body when they’re done with their investigation. ”
“How long will that take?”
He shrugs. “Depends. They’ll probably try to drag it out because of who he worked with, but they can’t keep him forever. And I’ll do what I can to grease their wheels and hurry things along.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, twisting my wedding ring around my finger.
“You only have to worry about taking care of you and Niko, alright? You’ll tell him what happened.
And, yeah, it’s gonna suck. A lot. But you’ll get through it.
” A muscle in his jaw ticks before he starts washing the dishes, turning the tap to boiling hot, steam rising around him.
“You’re strong, and you’ll both be alright. It just might take a while.”
Even though his back is to me, I shake my head. I don’t believe that, and I doubt he does, either. If I had to guess, he’s just saying anything he can think of to stop me from falling apart at the seams.
He did more than enough trying to look after me last night.
I won’t saddle him with more responsibility.
I’ll wait until I’m alone again to have my break-down.
I can’t afford to sit around and feel sorry for myself.
In this world, my grief will become a weakness that will make me, and by extension Niko, vulnerable.
“Thank you for looking after Niko this morning.” I gather my plate, regretfully scraping it into the trash.
I appreciate that he tried, but the effort was wasted.
“I’m sure you have plenty of things to do, and I appreciate you taking the time to make breakfast for us.
” I stand next to him, hoping he’ll step out of the way so I can take over, but he’s like a brick wall as he glares at my empty plate.
“Stop being stubborn and let me help you,” he grunts, taking the plate away from me as he steps away from the sink. Without another word, he opens the microwave and pulls out another plate of pancakes, shoving it toward me. “Sit down and eat.”
My shoulders slump, and the look in his eyes has some of my newfound fight fleeing without protest.
“I can take care of myself.”
“I know.” He nods. “But it won’t hurt to have some help, will it?”
I don’t want his help. I don’t want anyone’s help. I don’t want to risk learning to rely on anyone, because then I’ll be in an even worse position when they leave me high and dry.
But I’m not going to win this fight. Not today, anyway. So, I take the food and sit down, forcing myself to eat even if it tastes like ash.