7. Blair #2
I check my appearance in the hall mirror, swiping under my eyes to clean my ruined mascara as I wait. I don’t care if we’re late anymore. Hell, we probably will be, but who gives a shit? I’d rather Niko get ready on his own time.
Eventually they join me and Niko wordlessly puts on his shoes. I buckle him into his car seat and give Andrei a grateful smile. The ride to the church is silent. No radio. No talking. Just a quiet drive that makes my stomach roll with nausea.
Sooner than I’m prepared for, Andrei’s parking the car, and the church is looming over us, stark against the gray fall sky. My hands are shaking as I reach for the door handle, but before I open it, Andrei lays a hand on my shoulder.
“I’ll be here the whole time. I’m not going to let anyone mess with you, alright?” His hand is warm and comforting, a steady weight after weeks of feeling like I’m being tossed around in the wind.
I nod, though I’m not sure I believe him. Andrei’s loyalty isn’t to me, and the effort is nice, but I’m not going to delude myself. There’s virtually no chance that I’ll make it through today unscathed.
As I open my mouth to reply, Niko gasps and presses his face against the window.
“Baba Mila!” he shrieks, shifting in his seat as his hands fiddle with the buckles, trying to free himself.
A quick glance confirms that Mila’s spotted us.
She’s storming toward the car, no doubt determined to make sure Niko spends the day glued to her side.
I want to fight her over it, but at least they’re finding comfort in each other.
As soon as I have him out of his car seat, he’s out and sprinting toward her, leaving me standing alone with Andrei. She watches me like a hawk until Niko’s in her arms.
The cool breeze stings my cheeks, and I take a moment just to feel it before Andrei rests his hand against the base of my spine. He isn’t pushing me forwards or holding me back. Just… making sure I know that he’s there .
“You’re going to be alright,” he says quietly, but firmly. Almost as if it’s an order.
I shake my head, unable to look at him. It doesn’t feel like I will. It feels like I’m going to be forced to endure until something comes along to eventually break me beyond repair.
“You will. You’re too strong not to be.” He presses against my back, urging me toward the waiting pit of vipers dressed in their best suits.
***
I skirt along the edges of the room, and for the most part, I’m being ignored. It’s a welcome reprieve from the worst-case scenario I was dreading.
I look at the atrium, picking at my cuticles. For the first time since we got here, there’s no one else there.
If I’m going to have a moment with Daniil, I need to do it alone. Try as I might, I’m sure I’m going to end up crying. And the weight of other people’s expectations is too much to deal with. I need privacy if I’m going to fall apart.
Part of me doesn’t want to say goodbye at all. But I need to. I owe it to Daniil, even if I don’t know how to start. And even though he can’t express it, I don’t want to disappoint him. It’s the least I can do.
Gathering myself, I head toward the atrium.
I’m so focused on putting one foot in front of the other that I nearly run face-first into someone.
I look up, the apology on the tip of my tongue dying when I meet Maksim’s ruthless glare.
I take an involuntary step backward, trying to put as much distance between us as possible without offending him.
“Hello, Blair.”
I stay as still as I can, refusing to let him see the shiver that wants to creep down my spine whenever he turns his focus to me. He tilts his head, eyes narrowing like he can see it anyway.
“Maksim.” My smile is as pleasant as it is forced. “Thank you for coming. I’m sure Daniil would have appreciated it.” He shakes his head, and I feel the knot in my shoulders winding so tight I worry it’ll snap. I take a deep breath and force them to relax.
“What are you doing here?” he asks tersely.
I can’t keep the surprise off my face, but I school it as quickly as I can. “What do you mean? Why shouldn’t I be here?”
“The traditional wedding vows are ‘until death do us part,’ yes?” I nod, even as my stomach drops like a brick. Surely he’s not going to do this here. He won’t make a scene or hurt me yet, right? He’ll wait until I’m away from Niko. He won’t make him watch.
I want to look around, but it’d be suicidal to take my eyes off the biggest predator in the room.
Where the hell is Andrei? Didn’t he say he’d fend everyone off? Or was that yet another pretty lie?
“Well, my dear, death has come and gone. Daniil no longer holds any obligation to you, and, by extension, neither do I.”
A rush of heat fills my face as I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from giving into the instinct to scream obscenities at him.
I am sick and tired of having to live under the umbrella of worry over what Maksim cares about. He’s nothing but an overgrown bully, and the fact that he’s pushing back against my presence at my own husband’s wake is depraved, even for him.
“Perhaps not, but I would appreciate it immensely if you would allow me a few minutes to say goodbye.” I take a step to the side, but he mirrors the movement, his body blocking the doorway.
Slowly, he shakes his head. My eyes burn as I look down, twisting my wedding ring around my finger. The movement doesn’t escape his notice. He smiles, face full of a cloying false pity.
I am all too aware that he could decide I no longer serve his interests and have me killed at any time he wants, but, god, I’m not sure I can keep going when his cruelty is going to ruin any tender part of my life that remains.
“You should go home. You’ve done enough, don’t you think?”
A firm hand lands on my shoulder, pinning me in place. I brace myself to be pulled away.
“Let her through, Maksim. What harm could she possibly cause?” I look up, and Andrei’s standing next to me, standing toe-to-toe with his pakhan.
Maksim scoffs, a derisive sound that has me looking back at my feet.
“You’re forgetting your place, boy.” There’s a lethal edge to his voice, but Andrei doesn’t even blink.
He maneuvers us so he’s standing in front of me.
“If you don’t want Nikolai to resent you, Pakhan, it might be wise to treat his mother fairly.
” Maksim’s eyes cut across the room, and I follow his gaze.
Niko sits next to Mila, watching us under his lashes even as he traces the lines on the back of her hand, nodding along to whatever she’s saying.
“He’s still young, but he’s clever enough to see what you’re doing and remember it. A small gesture now may well go far.”
Andrei looks down at me, his expression as impenetrable as always. “I’ll stay with her, if it would make you more comfortable.” The near silence of the already somber room starts to soak in past the nerves as I take a bracing breath.
It’s too much to hope that this little standoff has gone unnoticed. I’m sure they’re all foaming at the mouth over this, practically champing at the bit to gossip.
“Fine,” Maksim eventually bites out. “But if you think we won’t be having a conversation about this little” —he makes a vague gesture— “performance, then you’re even more stupid than I thought.
” Maksim doesn’t wait for an answer. He simply steps aside, leaving me clinging to the back of Andrei’s jacket like it’ll keep me from being caught up in his storm.
Andrei’s voice is gentle, losing all the ice and indifference it had a moment ago when he says, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have allowed that to happen.”
“Are you going to be in trouble?” I whisper, even as he ushers me toward the atrium, acting as a door to keep anyone else from coming in after us.
“Maybe.” He shrugs. “But I’ll deal with that when the time comes. This is more important.” I open my mouth to thank him, but he shakes his head, gesturing for me to go further into the room.
My breath catches as I look at the polished wood coffin, gleaming under the lights.
The clicking of my heels echoes against the tall walls and stained glass, making the room feel even bigger.
I blow out a slow breath and immediately choke on it when I see how pale Daniil looks, how he’s so unlike the warm, lively man that I knew.
As I reach out to brush back a stray hair, I flinch when my fingers graze against his freezing cold skin.
His suit is perfect, not a single wrinkle or speck of dust. His tie is straight, tied exactly the way he liked, the knot tight at the base of his throat.
Daniil looks perfectly put together, just like he did when he left the house for the last time.
If it wasn’t for how still he is, I’d almost think he was sleeping.
God, I wish he was sleeping.
“I’m beyond pissed at you. I hope you know that,” I whisper.
The drone of quiet conversation has picked up from the lobby, leaving a comfortable background noise that keeps my words from feeling like a shout in the otherwise silent room.
“You promised me you were keeping yourself safe, so what happened?”
I swallow the ache in my chest, laying my hand on top of his as I gently smooth over the back of his bare ring finger.
I fought about it with Mila every day, but she put her foot down.
She said he wouldn’t be buried with his ring and threatened to keep me from attending the funeral at all if I insisted.
Unfortunately for her, I don’t really give a shit about what Mila wants. I slip my hand into my purse, pulling Daniil’s wedding band out. I give it a kiss and tuck it into the front pocket of his suit. If she won’t let him wear it, then I’ll make sure he can have it with him.
She doesn’t get to pretend I meant nothing to him .
“I wish I could hate you for lying to me. Instead, I’m stuck loving you, and you’re not even here.”
Andrei’s voice as he speaks quietly pulls my focus back to him. He’s crouched in front of Niko, a hand on his shoulder while he tries to squirm away. Andrei looks over his shoulder, and when I catch his eye, I nod. Without a word, he lets Niko go, watching as he darts to my side.
I appreciate that he let me have my moment, but I want to make sure that Niko can have his, too.
There is confusion on his face when he looks at me, and I smile to cover up the way my heart hurts, looking down at this boy who is a mirror image of his dad. He stands on his tiptoes, trying to see inside the coffin, looking frustrated.
“Would you like me to pick you up?” I ask him.
He huffs, but nods. I prop him on my hip, wanting to ask him why he isn’t with Mila, but not wanting to do anything to interrupt him. The confusion on his face doesn’t clear as he looks at Daniil. If anything, he just looks even more frustrated.
“Why isn’t he moving?”
“He’s…” Shit, when is this going to get easier? “It’s like he’s sleeping, baby. He’s sleeping, but he can’t wake up.”
“Why not?”
“Because he’s not here anymore. If he could, he would, but…” I trail off, shaking my head even as Niko nods.
“That’s what Andrei said.”
“Well, Andrei’s pretty smart, huh?”
He’s quiet for a long moment before he leans forward, and I adjust my hold around him while he puts his hand on Daniil’s. Eventually he settles back against me, a thoughtful look on his face. “Is it okay if I still love him?”
“Of course it is. He still loves you, and that’s not going to change.” My voice is fierce, and Nikolai rests his head against my shoulder. “I still love him. And I love you, too.” He nods, wrapping his arms around my neck and squeezing tight.
Our quiet peace is broken by a commotion in the other room, and shortly afterward, Andrei steps up to my side. His grim expression tells me that our time is running out, but I’m not sure how I’ll be able to walk away.
I press a kiss to Daniil’s forehead. “I love you. I promise I’ll take care of Niko for as long as I can.” I carefully wipe away any lipstick and force myself to smile. “Do you want to say goodbye?” I ask my son.
Niko shakes his head against my neck, his tears soaking into the collar of my dress.