25. Blair #2
I ruffle his hair, and he turns back, bouncing on his feet as he waits for Andrei to open the door for him. Instead, Andrei walks over to me and kisses me, lips moving against mine in a rhythm that makes my knees weak.
I lean into him just as Niko makes a disgusted scoff. Andrei pulls back, lips brushing against mine as he chuckles. It’s enough to make me feel dizzy before he rests his forehead against mine, corners of his eyes curling up in a smile.
“Have a good day, Blair . I love you. ”
Before I can utter a response, they’re both out the door, like he didn’t just knock my world off its axis.
Again.
Warmth still sparks along my nerves from where Andrei was touching me, lingering even in his absence.
I don’t know what to do with his open affection. Or what to make of Niko’s casual acceptance of it. Or what to do now that I’m alone.
Without the two of them here, the house feels empty.
Since Niko was born, my time alone has been limited.
Before he knew how to talk, Daniil would take him to the office on occasion, but that stopped over the past year and a half or so.
And after Andrei moved in, there’s always been a background level of noise from him moving around or making phone calls.
But now, there’s no cartoons playing on the television. No pretend dinosaurs roaring. No clipped words coming from a makeshift office. I’m the only one here to fill the sudden silence, and I don’t even know where to begin.
I pull out an old book, one that I know like the back of my hand, determined to lose myself in the comforting words.
In the time I’ve known Andrei, he’s never been one to do anything without a reason. Either he wants to spend a day with Niko, or he wants me to have the space to work through how I’m feeling after last night. I should appreciate the sentiment, but instead I feel a vague resentment.
I don’t want to think about what he said. I don’t want to try to pin down my feelings for him. I don’t want to make anything seem more real or serious than it is right now .
Things are good. We were having fun and getting along. Why did he have to make things more complicated than they have to be?
Ironically, I wish he were here to give me an outside perspective. Talking with Nadya might help, but talking to Andrei is what always makes me feel settled. If I could just talk to him about what I’m feeling, he’d be able to help me sort through everything.
I like him , I realize with a start. It’s not just that I miss his presence, or that I want him around because he makes me feel safe: It’s because I actually like him. Somehow, he’s managed to become my friend, and he’s made my life better just by being a part of it.
I blink down at my book, realizing I haven’t absorbed a single thing I’ve read. A glance at my phone tells me that I’ve been pretending to read for the better part of an hour.
Giving up, I head outside and sit on the porch, wrapping my hands around my knees as I wait for Andrei and Niko to get home like a needy dog. The wind whips through the fabric of my sweater, but I’ll be damned before I admit that I need a jacket to anyone, including myself.
Fortunately, I spot them walking down the sidewalk only a few minutes later, hand in hand as Niko grins without a care in the world.
The way Andrei looks at him, like what he’s saying has the same weight as anything I would say, chases away the chill and brings back the warmth that his kiss instilled in me.
I can tell the moment Niko sees me, pulling on Andrei’s hand as he tries to drag him down the sidewalk even faster. I laugh at how his short legs shuffle as quickly as possible while Andrei takes small steps, exaggerating how quickly he’s being ushered along.
“Did you two have fun?” I ask when they’re close enough.
“Yep!” Niko doesn’t hesitate, just keeps marching along with single-minded focus. Andrei grins at me, pausing to kiss me before he opens the door, much to Niko’s chagrin. “Now it’s later, and it’s time for cookies.”
He looks at Andrei as he makes a show of pulling his step stool back out, pointing at the cupboard.
“Can you please get the book?” Niko does his best impression of a puppy. “I’m still too little.”
“I told you you’ll get bigger eventually.”
“But I want to be tall now!” He pouts.
Andrei laughs, a full sound that rings through the kitchen, hitting me like a sack of bricks.
I’m in love with him.
The realization slams into me so suddenly I have to take a moment before I remember how to breathe.
I have no clue how or when it happened, but I do. I expect a wave of panic, but instead it’s like the tension I didn’t know I was carrying around is just… gone.
I allow myself to bask in the feeling as Andrei pulls down a recipe book, putting it on the counter for Niko to look through.
“You know what you’re looking for?”
“No,” Niko mutters, flipping through several pages before he looks at me. “Mama, I can’t read.”
I help him find the right page and get out the ingredients, happy to spend an afternoon baking with these two, even if they do spend more time sneaking bites of the dough than they do helping.
While Niko’s distracted pressing out shapes with the cookie cutters, I wrap my arms around Andrei’s waist. He pulls me against him, smiling softly at me.
Has he always looked at me like that?
How have I missed it?
“I love you,” I breathe, and the smile on his face erases any doubts that might have lingered.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“I love you too, zolotse .”
***
The house is quiet as I stand in front of my vanity, running my fingers over the chain Daniil’s rings are on. It’s the first time I haven’t worn them in some capacity since he slid them on my finger. The diamonds glitter under my thumb.
I’ve loved and hated these rings in equal measure for years.
I loved them for my little family and all the happy moments Daniil and I had together.
I hated them for every night I cried myself to sleep, not knowing if he was going to come home, or if he was planning on staying with his mistress all night.
Looking back, I should have seen the engagement ring as a red flag.
It’s bold, flashy and not my taste at all.
If he’d asked me about it, I would have told Daniil I prefer understated jewelry.
I would have preferred something more unique, something that didn’t scream how expensive it was for everyone to see at a glance.
Something more like Andrei’s ring.
Andrei’s never said a word about me keeping Daniil’s rings. He’s noticed them, watching me with a stoic expression when he’s caught me fiddling with them, but he never expressed any disapproval or disappointment in me for keeping them close.
Andrei’s in love with me, but he let me hold onto these without complaint. And, god, I love him for that, too.
Andrei lets me mourn and heal without making demands, content to be there and let me lean against him when things get hard.
I slip the rings off the chain, turning them over in my hand.
Realistically, they’re nothing but precious gems and polished metal.
They don’t hold the emotional weight I’ve given them.
These rings have done nothing to hurt me. They’re not the ones who left me. And if I don’t wear them anymore, no one will be upset.
I repeat that to myself over and over before I put them in my jewelry box, shutting them away. For some reason, I expected it to feel more final, more like a decision, but nothing happens.
The sky doesn’t fall, no one yells, and I have no more closure than I had this morning.
Still, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
When I finally tear my eyes away from my jewelry box, Andrei is leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed, watching me. There’s no sign of judgement, no hint as to what he’s thinking .
“Did Niko fall asleep?” I ask him, blinking away an unexpected wave of emotions.
“Yeah. He was beat after running around all day.”
“That’s good.”
All I did was put the rings away, but I feel like I’ve been wrung out and tossed around.
“How long have you been standing there?” I ask, pretending my eyes aren’t burning.
Andrei doesn’t answer as he crosses the room, wrapping his arms around me. I lean into his embrace, smiling as he searches my face. He moves one hand, silently stroking the bare skin of my neck.
“How are you, zolotse ?”
With one question, he breaks the dam inside me, and all my feelings rush to the surface. All my lingering hurt, my doubt, my insecurity, my love for Andrei. I hide my tears in his chest, finding strength in his warm embrace.
“I’m okay,” I tell him, proud that my voice doesn’t shake. “Better with you here.”