Chapter 25
Ernie stood staring at the phone for several minutes after he hung up, hoping against hope that she would call and take it all back. His mind was like a skipping record, unable to progress. Mere minutes ago, everything had been fine. He had a job. He was in love. And now…
It was too much to take in. The growing pit in his stomach told him his body was starting to absorb the damage his mind refused. Acid churned, sending shots of pain. His airway tightened. He couldn’t breathe, no matter how much air he tried to gulp down.
He fell into a chair, gasping.
His father came in and did a double take.
“Ernie, what happened? Are you all right?”
Raising his eyes with difficulty, Ernie looked at his father. A lump rose in his throat, and he couldn’t speak.
“Son, what’s going on? I’ve never seen you like this.”
How did you tell your father you’d failed him? That you’d failed the entire family? That you risked everything for love and lost? No job. No Millie. He’d let his family down, and for what?
“I…” His voice shook as he tried to form words. He gasped for air.
“Pop, I…” he tried again.
“Yes?”
He had to say the words. They were burning a hole in him, but speaking them would make them real.
It would bring down ruin on his family. How could he rob them of their comfort and happiness?
And yet hadn’t he known this was the risk?
Hadn’t he pursued Millie anyway, consequences be damned? And now even she didn’t want him.
“I’ve been fired,” he said at last. “Mr. Dickson found out about Millie and me, and he’s let us both go.”
There. He’d said it. But instead of relief at confessing, he felt growing pressure, squeezing his lungs. It was real now. There was no taking it back.
His father’s face fell, and his eyes widened. He swallowed hard. “We’ll find a way to get through this, son,” he said, the quaver in his voice belying the reassuring words. “At least you still have Millie. It’s amazing how love can soften the hardest blows.”
“But I don’t,” Ernie said, staring at the floor. “She said the cost was too high, and we had to end things. Then she hung up on me. I sacrificed everything for nothing.”
He squeezed his hands into shaking fists, willing himself to hold it together. His family depended on him. They needed him. He had to figure out how to make this right, but his mind wouldn’t clear. Blood pounded in his head so loudly he could hardly hear his own thoughts.
I’ve let them down. All of them. And it was all for nothing.
His father crouched down in front of him and put a hand on his arm.
“Listen to me. We’re going to get through this.
We’ll find you another job, and I’m sure with time you’ll figure things out with Millie.
And if you don’t, then it wasn’t meant to be.
I’m sorry, son. I could tell how much she meant to you. ”
Ernie raised his eyes slowly to his father. “You’re not angry with me for risking our livelihood over her?”
His father sighed. “I’m not happy, but I know we’ve placed too heavy a burden on your shoulders. I don’t want you to think you have to sacrifice your happiness for our sakes. I know it feels devastating now, but it was only a job. You can always find another.”
“Not one that pays so well.” What would happen to his sisters? Would Constance have to quit secretarial school? She was so close to finishing.
“No, probably not. But that’s all right. We’ll figure it out. We’re a family of six. You shouldn’t be the only one carrying the load. Together we’ll get through this.”
Ernie took a deep breath, air reaching his lungs at last. His father’s words comforted him. He was lucky to have such a loving family. It wouldn’t do any good for him to panic. He had to find a way forward.
Without Millie.
The thought stung. He wasn’t ready to think about her yet. He’d risked everything and ended up with only heartbreak to show for it.
“I really did love her, Pop. I still do.”
“I know, son.” His father squeezed his shoulder. “God works in mysterious ways. Maybe there’s hope yet.”
He didn’t want hope. It would only cause him further pain, but some part of him couldn’t let go.
“I’d like to go up to my room for a bit.” Comforting as his father was, he needed some time alone.
“Of course. When you’re ready, come find me, and we’ll figure out how to get you a new job. Plenty of folks in my congregation need good workers. I’m sure we’ll find you something.”
He headed upstairs and picked up his sketch pad. His first impulse was to draw Millie, but he stifled it, instead drawing a portrait of his father with slow, deliberate strokes. The flow soothed him and helped him compose himself.
What an idiot he’d been. How could he have let this happen? Every step along the way he knew this was a possibility, and he kept going anyway. He kept coming back to her, risking everything.
He thought she was in this with him, that she shared his feelings. Hadn’t she said so when she came for dinner? The sacrifice might have been worth it if she’d stayed by his side, if they’d faced this together. But he’d been a fool.
She didn’t love him. If she did, she never could have done this.
Everything was so neat and orderly before she came along.
How could he have let her upset his equilibrium?
The women he dated were safe. With them, there was no risk.
If he’d only resisted Millie, none of this would have happened. He was happy before he met her.
Wasn’t he?
And yet he couldn’t imagine going back to that life. The thought of casual liaisons with no ties made him shiver. He wanted the inferno, not the pallid flickering flame of surface attraction. Even if it wrecked him.
And it had wrecked him. Quite thoroughly.
His father might have been understanding, but what were his sisters going to say?
He’d ruined their prospects with his recklessness.
Those were the women he should have been worrying about, not Millie Aldrich.
His sisters loved him unconditionally and entrusted him with their futures, and he’d let them down.
Pursuing Millie had been selfish. If only he had been affected, he wouldn’t feel so awful. But his family was going to pay the price for his inability to keep away from her.
How was he ever going to make this right?
Putting down his pencil, he headed downstairs. A part of him hoped his sisters and mother would be furious. It would be easier to take their anger than their understanding and forgiveness. He deserved to be berated. He’d done them wrong.
When he arrived in the sitting room, the whole family was gathered. They were silent as he entered. When had his sisters ever been silent?
Constance looked up at him with far too much compassion. It made him want to run back upstairs and hide. The twins stared into their laps and chewed their lips. Mom furrowed her brow and looked up at him with sorrowful eyes.
Pop stood beside them, a hand on Mom’s shoulder.
“Oh, Ernie, I’m so sorry,” Constance said, breaking the heavy silence.
“Don’t be sorry. I brought this on myself, on all of you. Please don’t try to make me feel better.”
Instead of answering, Constance got up and folded him in a hug.
It was too much. He shuddered with the effort of keeping back his tears. His throat closed again, and his lungs squeezed tight.
Prudence and Verity sprung up from the blue chintz sofa and circled their arms around him too.
Oh, God.
His parents looked at each other then joined the girls.
Pop raised one hand.
“Heavenly Father,” he intoned, “watch over my son. He’s suffering and he needs Your grace.
And, Lord, please watch over this family.
Hard times are ahead, but we know You would not send us burdens we could not bear.
Give us strength in these difficult times.
We humbly submit ourselves to Your will, and we trust that You will guide us through this.
In the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, amen. ”
“Amen,” murmured the rest of the family, squeezing Ernie tight, then releasing him.
Unable to hold back anymore, a tear streaked down his cheek. And then another. And then a torrent as he sobbed uncontrollably.
His father took him in his arms and patted his back. “It’s all right, son. It’s all right. Let it out. You’ll feel better afterwards, and we can plan for what’s ahead.”
For several minutes, he stood there with his father, beyond thought, carried away by the flood of pain that had been threatening to break through his control ever since the phone call. He was broken open, raw. Lost.
At last, the tide abated, and he could fill his lungs with air again.
“That’s right, son. Breathe. We’re here with you. The Lord is watching over you. You aren’t in this alone.”
Pop guided him to the well-worn leather wingback chair where he typically sat.
“I made a call to Mr. Alderson,” Pop said, standing beside him, a hand on his shoulder. “He’s always looking for an extra hand on his construction crews. You can start tomorrow. It won’t pay what the Postal Service did, but we’ll be able to get by.”
Ernie nodded. He didn’t care what kind of work he did so long as he could bring in a regular paycheck and try to make this right for his family.
“Constance graduates next month, and then she can get a job and help out. We have some savings, thank heavens, and I think we can squeak by until she’s working.”
Her job was supposed to give her independence, not tie her down to the family. But what could he do? It was the only solution, and he knew it. He nodded.
“I don’t mind, Ernie. Really, I don’t,” said Constance. “I know you hoped I would strike out on my own, but to be honest, I’m happy here at home. I want to help support the family.”
He felt sharp stabs of guilt at her words, but what could he say? “Thank you,” was all he managed.
“And you don’t have to give us pin money,” Verity added. “We’re just fine with what we have.”
Prudence nodded in agreement.
His heart broke a little more. He winced.
“We love you,” Prudence said, reaching out and taking his hand.
“I love you too, all of you,” he said in a shaky voice.
And he did. This was the love that mattered. He would never let them down again.