CHAPTER TEN | Ben
CHAPTER TEN
Ben
B en grabbed his water glass with shaky hands and drank, letting the cool liquid help him recover some of the calm that had been disrupted over the last few minutes. He had been prepared to do the tasting with Holly without his mom and Marvin as a buffer, thinking the two of them could get to know each other a little better. Ben had promised Henry he wouldn’t make a move until he was sure about his feelings, but that promise was getting harder and harder to keep in the face of just how drawn to her he was. How sure was sure enough? That was the question that had plagued Ben since the moment he stepped into the building and set eyes on Holly.
When the head chef had come out from the kitchen and pulled her into a tight embrace, Ben saw red. He wasn’t the type of person to get jealous, you’d have to form strong attachments to people for that to be the case, but he had definitely felt a rush of the unfamiliar emotion when he saw Holly in the arms of another man. Once it was revealed that Chef Mike was more of a father figure to Holly and happily married, Ben felt a surge of relief, though it vanished once again when Mike had insinuated that he and Holly were engaged. For someone who hadn’t really ever thought about a relationship, Ben was surprisingly okay with the idea of being tied to Holly in that way. What had made his stomach drop was the idea that his feelings were so obvious that even a total stranger could pick up on them, though his being so easily read did indicate that his feelings about Holly might be more certain than he was willing to admit.
Ben glanced across the table, Holly’s eyes studying him closely as her head rested gently on her hand. Had she picked up on his delight at the idea of them being together? How did that make her feel? Ben liked to think of himself as a bit of a closed book, the idea of her picking up on his emotions before he had a chance to process them was disconcerting. She was a romantic at heart, but even the most lovesick people could be scared off, and he didn’t want Holly to run from the intensity of emotions he was feeling. Fully hydrated and overthinking everything, Ben shifted in his seat, the nervous energy he always felt when socializing growing steadily.
Holly leaned back and flipped her dark waves over one shoulder, gazing at him with an inscrutable expression. “So, is it the idea of being engaged that had you looking a little green around the gills, or is it the idea of being engaged to me ?”
Ben sputtered, searching for a response, any response that would allow him to keep his feelings a secret for just a moment longer. “I-I’m not sure what you mean.”
Holly rolled her eyes, not accepting his ridiculous excuse for one second. “Oh, come on. Mike implied we were the happy couple, and you looked like you were about to lose your lunch.” A harsh breath escaped her lungs, stirring the hair that framed her face. “I’m a big girl, Ben. I won’t get offended if you don’t think of me like that.”
Ben sighed and looked into her eyes, her impassive expression an admirable attempt at looking tough, but there was a hint of vulnerability underneath. It was in the hopeful gleam in her eyes, barely noticeable unless you had been staring into them as often as Ben had, and the slight downturn of her mouth, one that should only ever be smiling. Even though he didn’t want to scare her off, he couldn’t bear to see her hurting either, even infinitesimally. Summoning the same bravery that he’d used to sign himself up for happy hour at work, he ran his fingers through his hair and watched as Holly’s eyes dimmed the longer he stayed silent. It was time to put his cards on the table.
“It’s neither actually, but I don’t exactly put myself out there a lot. You may have noticed I tend to be a little closed off.” Ben offered up a small smile, hoping his first foray into expressing feelings to a woman didn’t go horribly awry.
“I may have noticed a little of that, yes.” She rewarded his honesty with a smile, giving him the push he needed to keep going.
Nervous as hell but unable to stop himself, Ben reached over and grabbed one of her hands, meeting her gaze that held a multitude of questions. Here goes nothing . “Well, since I like to keep my feelings close to the chest, the thought of that guy picking up on what I feel for you so easily threw me off a bit.”
The fingers of her free hand played at the base of her neck as she swallowed thickly. “W-what do you feel?” she asked, her voice shaking like one of the leaves on the tree outside that had held on precariously all through winter.
Ben lifted a shoulder, still unable to put it into words because frankly, he hadn’t felt it before. “I don’t know exactly.” He huffed a breath, growing impatient with his own ineptitude. “I just know I like being around you.”
Holly opened her mouth to reply, but before she could start, Chef Mike reappeared with a tray full of food, startling the two of them into releasing their joined hands. “Alright, here we have the first course choices: shrimp and grits, deviled eggs, and fried oysters.” He gestured to each one as he described the bite sized versions of classic southern dishes that looked more elevated in presentation and ingredients. “Enjoy.” With a wink, he headed straight back into the kitchen.
“We should probably try these while they’re fresh.” She nabbed a bit of shrimp and grits for herself, stuffing it into her mouth before he even grabbed his fork. Holly moaned, the sound far too appealing and Ben had to try and adjust himself inconspicuously before taking his own bite, though his groans joined in with hers the second the food hit his tongue. The grits were smooth and buttery, and the shrimp was perfectly cooked and seasoned. When he looked up at Holly, she had a rapt expression on her face and her fork was dangling from her hand. “So...” she started, her voice husky. “I guess you like that one, too?”
Ben smirked, pleased at the possibility that he affected her just as much as she did him. “It was delicious.” He could have been talking about the dish or the way she ate it, but as they seemed to still be dancing around what they wanted to be to one another, he merely gestured to the other two plates with his fork. “Should we try the others?”
“Sure.” Holly dove into the deviled eggs with gusto. If she needed more time to process his admission, he wanted to give it to her, especially knowing he would likely need the same grace from her. After finishing all three dishes, they discussed the pros and cons of each one and decided that the two seafood offerings were the best. Holly wiped her mouth with a napkin before placing it back in her lap. “Your mom mentioned that she likes seafood, so I think she’ll be happy with our choices.”
Ben nodded, not particularly interested in discussing his mom’s food preferences, but that was why they were there and from the corner of his eye, he spotted Chef Mike with three more plates. These had substantially more food on them and Ben hoped that meant he and Holly would have more time to revisit their earlier topic. The food was delicious, but Ben was anxious to hear what she thought without interruption. As the previous course was cleared and new plates were placed on the table, Chef Mike described the fried chicken, steak, and braised pork with mango before finally disappearing into the kitchen once again.
Holly gazed at the offerings before deferring to Ben. “What should we go with first?”
After a deep breath and quick summoning of courage, Ben responded with the truth. “How about we start with the pork while you tell me what you were going to say before we were interrupted?” An attractive shade of pink spread across Holly’s cheeks as she nodded and cut into the pork.
She took a small bite and chewed thoughtfully, obviously stalling, but Ben could be patient, sensing that for Holly, he could be anything. By the time she had finally swallowed her bite and washed it down with some water, Ben had already finished off a few bites himself. He’d tasted next to nothing, so focused on watching the woman in front of him that he could have been eating the sole of a shoe and not noticed.
“What I was going to say, is that I like being around you too, quite a bit actually.” She looked up at the ceiling and whispered something to herself, his heart buoying at both what she’d just told him and the fact that perhaps she gave herself the same small pep talks he often did. “The thing is though, I’ve put a lot of pressure on dating in the past, and it hasn’t really worked out in my favor, obviously. I guess I’m just a little afraid that the same thing will happen again, and I don’t want it to because I really like you.”
Ben really liked her too, but her fears were valid and he wanted to address them before they went any further. Reaching across the table, he held her hand again and offered her a warm smile. “I really like you too, and I understand this is scary, probably more than you realize.” He gripped her hand tighter as he spoke the next words, hoping to assuage both of their fears. “That being said, we seem like two reasonably intelligent adults. I think we can probably figure out a way to do this without screwing things up right away.”
The melodic sound of her laughter hit his ears like a song, one he wanted to hear over and over again. “You would think so,” she replied, but just as easily as she’d jested, her expression turned serious again. “What did you mean by understanding it more than I realize?”
“Oh, that?” He chuckled humorlessly, wondering if she would call him out on that, but not unhappy that she had. If they were going to make an attempt to explore their mutual attraction, she should know what a mess he was. He grabbed a fork with his free hand and gestured to the steak and chicken. “I’m going to need more food in my belly before I divulge all my issues.”
Holly nodded, her expression lightening as they ate a few bites off of each plate and he gathered his thoughts together. How do you tell the person you are interested in that you are an anxious mess who doesn’t quite know how to talk to others and thinks that every relationship is doomed to fail? Ben briefly considered just forgetting the whole thing and letting her go after someone with a lot less baggage, but as he looked across the table at her cheerful face and bright eyes, he knew he wouldn’t be doing the admirable thing.
Ben dropped his fork for a moment and squeezed her hand one last time before letting it go, the fidgetiness that always accompanied his anxiety rushing in. Where was Pac-Man when he was needed? Without his trusty stress ball, he opened and closed both hands into fists underneath the table and did his box breathing, looking over at Holly’s concerned face. He tried to smile reassuringly, but he wasn’t sure if he actually pulled it off.
Ben stalled for another moment before ripping off the bandage. “So, you mentioned putting a lot of pressure on dating. Well, I have kind of done the opposite. I don’t really date. I tried it once in college, and the girl I was with lasted about two weeks before she was sick of my anxiety and cynicism when it came to just about everything. It probably doesn’t help that my mom has had a revolving door of boyfriends since I was in kindergarten.” He sighed, the truth seeming uglier the longer he spoke it. Was he dooming himself? Maybe, but at least he was actually trying this time. “I just haven’t thought relationships are something that are built to last, no matter how much the two people involved want it.”
Holly frowned and bowed her head slightly, but not enough to hide the dejected look on her face. “Oh,” she whispered. Ben could see the wheels turning in her head and he wanted to reassure her before she decided he wasn’t worth wasting her time.
Leaning over, he touched her arm lightly to get her attention. “I’m trying to change, though.” He wouldn’t get into his job and how he was trying to be more personable with his team, at least not yet anyway. Ben wanted tonight to be about the two of them.
Holly was silent for another moment and each second that ticked by seemed to last an eternity. She was probably trying to find the words to let him down gently, and all Ben could do was wait for the axe to drop. It wouldn’t surprise him, but it would hurt. Before he could spiral any further, she took the hand that was on her arm and grabbed it with her own, threading their fingers together. Ben looked from their joined hands up to her face and saw a hopeful smile there, erasing his worries, even if only for a moment.
“I think that if we take things slowly, one day at a time, then maybe we’ll have a better chance of this lasting long enough to see if we really have something.” She bit her bottom lip nervously and he wanted to sink his teeth in it right alongside hers, but one look at her innocent face told him she wasn’t teasing or playing coy, so he stowed away his desires for another time. “What do you think?”
Ben smiled and he watched as her eyes lit up with joy. “I think that’s a great idea.” He lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed the back of it, having seen the gesture in enough romance movies to think it was a good idea. By the returning blush on Holly’s cheeks, it had been. “Since you have felt pressured in the past, and I have next to no experience dating, we could stick to getting together for these wedding planning sessions at first. I think we’ll both feel more comfortable if we’re getting to know one another without it being labeled a date.”
Holly grinned. “I like that idea.” Big blue eyes peered up at him through her dark lashes. “Can we text and chat, too?”
“Of course.” Ben was already well versed in texting, and the knowledge that he would be in his comfort zone as he got to know her better had him grinning like a fool. “I would really like that.”
“Me, too.” With the big question of the day answered, their conversation refocused on the food as they finished the main course options and the cheese plate Chef Mike had brought out in lieu of a dessert. Holly’s sister was going to set up a tasting for a wedding cake, so the caterers were off the hook for that.
After finishing up the tasting and putting his mom’s food order in, Ben helped Holly into her coat, letting his fingers linger on her shoulders just a shade longer than necessary. They stood in the entryway to the building and stared at one another before glancing out the window. A light snow had continued to fall while they dined, and it looked even colder outside than it had been just ninety minutes prior. Holly reached into her purse and pulled out her keys, the innocuous move setting off a lightbulb over his head.
Ben may not have much experience with the type of romance she was used to, but he knew how to be helpful and could do things for her. “Give me your keys.”
Holly looked up at him like he was a crazy person and brought her keys to her chest protectively. “Did you not bring your own car? Because I only have the one and I might be okay sharing food but my little sedan is all mine.”
“No, smarty-pants. I’m going to warm up your car for you.” He held out his hand to her. “Now, may I please have your keys?”
“Oh, okay.” Smiling shyly, Holly passed over her keys and Ben jogged out of the building and over to her car. Luckily, she had parked right near the front, so Ben didn’t have to spend more than a minute in the biting cold before he had her car on and the heat going. When he stepped back into the building and brushed his hands together to warm them up, Holly beamed up at him, her eyes shining with emotion as if he’d just performed a miracle and not done the most obvious thing in the world. “Thanks, Ben.”
“You’re welcome.” He reached over and tucked a stray hair behind her ear, the strands like silk beneath his fingertips. “It should be warm enough in another minute or two.” Despite just coming in from the cold, Ben was already feeling the heat from both how beautiful she looked and how badly he wanted to hold her against him.
“Sounds good.” They stood there for a moment, Holly biting her lower lip again and shuffling on her feet as Ben wondered what it would be like to kiss her. Slow, remember? “So, I guess I’ll see you at your tuxedo fitting next week?”
“I’m looking forward to it.” Ben wasn’t looking forward to the fitting itself, but he was absolutely looking forward to spending more time with her. He glanced at his watch and noticed the time, getting home to sleep and staying with Holly as long as possible battling for dominance in the decision-making center of his brain. He had a long day of work and reviewing Kelly’s game files ahead of him, and as much as he enjoyed Holly’s company, he needed to go. “Your car is probably warm now. How about I walk you?”
Ben offered his hand, delighted beyond measure when she took it, and led her out in to the cold wind. Ben tried to block as much of it from her as he could, but it was pretty brutal. They scurried to her driver’s side door and she turned around to say goodnight. “I’ll see you, soon.” He leaned down to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, but as he turned to brush his lips against her skin, Holly turned her head and their lips met in a chaste kiss. It was nice, her lips soft, supple, and warm in spite of the cold, but it took him by surprise. That must have registered in his expression because when Holly pulled back her eyes were wide with horror.
“Oh, god. You were going for my cheek, weren’t you?” She rested her head against his chest, grumbling something about screwing it up already .
As much as Ben enjoyed her head resting near the heart that was starting to beat for her more and more, he couldn’t let her spiral unnecessarily and tucked his finger under her chin, lifting her gaze up to his. “I was going for your cheek, but I didn’t mind getting a little taste of your lips.” He leaned down to whisper near her ear, his breathing shaky, and not from the cold. “I’d ask for another, but we agreed to take things slow.”
Holly’s body shivered and when he saw her face again, it was wide with wonder. “So, you still want to do this?”
He nodded, not a single doubt in his mind about her or continuing to pursue what had already been one of the best things to happen to him lately. “Absolutely.”
“Good.” She opened her car door and started to climb in, shooting a shy smile over her shoulder. “I’m going to go before I make things awkward again.” She chuckled at herself and got into her vehicle. She drove her car out into the night with Ben standing in the thick blanket of snow, his feet rooted to the ground until she was out of sight.
Ben chuckled to himself as he made his way over to his own car, liking Holly’s particular brand of awkwardness. The fact that she acknowledged it so freely and with little embarrassment made him feel better about his own gracelessness. Everything in his gut was screaming at Ben that it wouldn’t last and that she would get sick of him sooner or later, but when Ben thought about Holly, taking the time to truly consider what a wonderful person she was, his stomach stopped churning with worry and he felt a little calmer.
Holly Baker was a good influence on him, and as much as he would have liked more time with her and definitely more kisses, Ben was glad they had agreed to take it slow. He was already heavily invested in making this work, now all he had to do was make sure he didn’t give into his more cynical nature and push her away. It was easier said than done, but for Holly, Ben would try just about anything.
***
H olly: So, is texting you the second I get home still considered taking things slow?
Ben beamed at the phone in his hand, a giddiness bubbling up in his chest that was very reminiscent of the time he’d found a box of old PC games at the thrift store. Thirty games for five dollars had been the deal of a lifetime, and yet somehow that now paled in comparison to the simple text he was currently staring at. They’d agreed to take things slowly for both their sakes, but it seemed his Holly was slightly more impatient than she’d admitted. Ben didn’t mind, liking that she was taking the lead when he felt like he was walking a tightrope when it came to this. Fingers trembling, Ben took a deep breath and typed out his reply.
Ben: I don’t think it would qualify, no, but honestly, I don’t really mind.
After staring at the words for all of two seconds, Ben made a quick amendment to his previous statement, stepping closer to the edge of vulnerability, hoping his bravery would pay off.
Ben: I like that you couldn’t wait to talk to me again.
Three little dots danced on his screen, each jump they made mimicking his heart that beat rapidly with nerves and excitement. How could one person make you feel this way? If this was what his mom felt with each of her previous boyfriends, it was no wonder she never went without one.
Holly: Good, though I promise not to make it a regular thing, unless of course you wouldn’t mind that either. ;)
Ben chuckled at the cheeky text, the knot in his stomach that always accompanied his anxiety loosening.
Ben: You can text me anytime, Holly. Day, night, weekends, holidays. Whenever you want to talk, I’ll be here for you.
Holly: That’s a pretty bold promise. Are you sure you want me to hold you to it?
The promise was fairly heavy for someone who had never made it before, but Ben actually felt confident in his ability to keep it. Holly was a lot of what he wasn’t, but that was what made being around her so wonderful. She was the light to his dark, and the more time he spent with her, the less burdened he felt by the reality of who he was. He would probably never be as optimist as she seemed to be, but when Holly was around, things didn’t seem so bad.
Ben: Hold me to that and anything else you want to.
Ben felt his dick stir at the thought of Holly holding him against her, and as much as he wanted to leap down a rabbit hole filled with that and more sexy images, he was keeping a promise.
Holly: I will. Now, I’m going to let you go before I push things a little too far, but I wanted to let you know that I had a great time tonight and am really looking forward to seeing you again.
As his eyes traveled across the screen, Ben’s breath caught in his throat, his eyes welling up slightly. No one had ever said anything like that to him, for all he knew, no one had ever even thought that about him. That she saw something in him that no one else had, that he never had was frightening, but it was also wonderful. What else did she see? What else was he capable of?
Holly: Was that too much?
Ben blinked away the moisture in his eyes and rewarded her bravery with a little of his own.
Ben: It was the perfect amount, and I feel the same way.
By no means did Ben think he was as eloquent as Holly or that his words would affect her nearly as much as it had him, but the fact that he’d been so completely honest meant a lot, and he had the feeling Holly already knew that.
Holly: Thank you for that. Goodnight, Ben.
Ben: Sweet dreams, Holly.
The phone stayed in his hand like a comfort item as he scrolled up and down, reading their conversation repeatedly until his eyes began to droop and he finally fell off into a series of very sweet dreams of his own.