CHAPTER SEVENTEEN | Ben
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Ben
T he weather was perfect for their daytime outing and Ben had enjoyed the hike through Lighthouse Park, not just because of the beautiful trees and gardens along the footpaths, but because of the woman currently standing next to him. Holly stared up at the sandstone lighthouse in awe, shielding her eyes from the sun even though she was still wearing her Red Sox ball cap. Ben absolutely loved that she wore it. She looked adorable in it, but even more than that he liked that she wasn’t afraid to support her team knowing he was a fan of their rivals.
Now that baseball season was underway, it would be interesting to see how things played out when they went to a game. The fact that he was already planning day and weekend trips to Boston and New York for some ballgames would have scared him in the past since it was unusual for him to plan beyond the two hours he would normally spend with a woman, but Ben could see a lot more than baseball in his and Holly’s future, and for once, his anxiety was quiet.
Is this just the calm before the storm? Ben recalled one of his mom’s boyfriends, Rick, from when he was about seven. The man had been kind and attentive to Ben, acting like a surrogate dad at times and trying to get into video games with him even though he was a gearhead mechanic, and Ben really thought he was going to stick around, but he left just like the ones before and after him.
He still had a nagging feeling about his mom’s current fiancé, but after his little slip up at the cake tasting, he promised her he would stow his cynicism and be supportive, no matter the outcome. Besides, he was a big boy now, and if his mom could handle the whole thing going bust, he certainly could. What he didn’t think he could handle was if his relationship with Holly didn’t work out.
“This is so cool. Thank you for sharing this with me.” Her crisp voice, filled with wonder and delight at the tall lighthouse before them, broke into his thoughts. “It’s too bad we can’t go inside.”
“I know,” he lamented before tugging her hand and steering her toward a large pavilion. “I’ve got something better, though.”
“Oooh, do tell,” she said with a giggle. Ben loved every sweet sound that came out of her mouth. There were a few other sounds he wouldn’t mind hearing, but they were in a very public park and exhibitionism wasn’t his kink.
“This one is a surprise.” He winked at her and continued to stroll along toward what had been a favorite activity of his as a young child.
They entered the pavilion and bright, boisterous music filled the air as they turned the corner and came to a stop in front of a grand carousel, bright colors and wooden animals dancing before their eyes as it spun round and round. Ben peered over at Holly, feeling very pleased with himself when he saw her delighted face, her blue eyes shining brighter than the clear sky and her smile so big and brilliant it could light up even the darkest room.
“This. Is. Amazing!” Holly gripped his hand and pulled him toward the ticket booth, her excitement contagious as always. “I never would have pegged you as a carousel person.”
He chuckled and pulled out his wallet to purchase two tickets. “To be fair, it’s probably been at least fifteen years since I’ve been on one.”
They walked over to wait in line and watched as children of all ages bobbed up and down on the horses, tigers, and giraffes that were mounted on moving posts. “This is so great,” Holly gushed as she enthusiastically bounced on her toes, quickly kissing him on the lips. “What made you think of it?”
Ben rubbed the back of his neck, nerves suddenly making an appearance. “Um, well. When I was little, I was a bit of a loner. Shocker, I know.” He shrugged it off like his perpetual loneliness was nothing, but Holly’s nod of encouragement and warm hand tangled with his gave him the strength to go on. “There would sometimes be all of these father/son events at school or bring your son to work days. I didn’t have a dad, and I didn’t have friends with dads to tag along with, so I just wouldn’t go to those things.”
Holly squeezed his hand, her head leaning against his shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks.” He shifted so she was under his arm and pulled her closer as he tried to clear the throat that was suddenly thick with emotions he’d held onto for too long. “Anyway, my mom knew that it got me pretty down, so she would take me to this awesome carousel in Albany.” His mind sparked with all of the memories from the times they would go. It didn’t erase the bad feelings, but the fun they had made them a little more bearable. He smiled at one detail in particular and gazed off into the distance, the image in his mind’s eye super-imposed over his current view. “There was this dragon on the carousel. I always loved dragons, knights, and all that medieval stuff, and I’d always make sure I got to ride the dragon so I could pretend that I was this brave knight who had conquered the fierce beast.” He smiled, the old image fading as he tilted his head to look upon the face of the woman next to him. “Probably kind of silly.”
Holly raised a brow, her smile empathetic and kind. “Is it any sillier than me going to an arcade and drinking a milkshake?” They shifted into an embrace, Ben’s hands slipping down to her waist as he held on tight. “We all have things that help us deal with the bad stuff, and I think pretending you fought and conquered a dragon is a pretty cool one. Not to mention, you kind of turned that whole knights and dragon’s thing into a pretty awesome career. Now you create games so other people can use the same scenario you did to enjoy themselves, too.”
Ben peered down at her with awe. It seemed as though Holly was seeing a lot more of him than he’d previously thought possible. He had taken his love of knights and dragons, the thing that had helped him through the hardest times in his life, and turned it into something he could do forever. His mom had stopped taking him to the carousel after one of her boyfriends had left and Ben said he was too grown up for it, but in reality, he had just decided to close the door on trying to feel better or deal with the emotions.
That door must have been left ajar just enough for him to turn his career into a type of pseudo therapy for himself, and while that door was cracked open, Holly Baker had slipped inside and fought her way into his heart. Ben was in love with her, and that was such an amazing, exhilarating, frightening thing.
Should I tell her? Does she feel the same way? Now that he had acknowledged these big emotions, they seemed to keep growing and growing until they felt like they’d burst through his chest and make themselves known regardless of what he wanted. This was all unfamiliar territory for him and he hadn’t had any great examples growing up to draw from. What do I do?
“All aboard,” the carousel conductor called out.
“Oh, that’s us.” Holly moved them up the line and hopped onto the carousel, completely unaware of the life-altering epiphany he’d just had. She weaved through the different animals for a moment before finally coming to a stop and slapping her hands down on the head of a unicorn. “Well, it’s no dragon, but it is a magical creature.”
“Are you sure you don’t want that one? You kind of seem like the unicorn type.”
She flipped her long braid over her shoulder. “Oh, I am totally a unicorn person, but this is about you.” Slinging her leg over the animal to their left, she gave the wooden creature a small hug. “Besides, this goat has grand champion written all over him, and we are totally going to leave you and your one horned friend in the dust.”
“You do realize that these things don’t actually race, right?” Smiling, he climbed up onto the brightly painted creature, the same feelings of comfort from his childhood retuning, strengthened by Holly’s good cheer.
“Psh. Don’t bother me with silly things like reality, handsome. For as long as this carousel is moving, I’m living in my imagination,” she quipped, tapping the side of her head.
“I think I’ll join you.” As the ride began to move, Ben reached over and intertwined their fingers together because he couldn’t not be touching her when he felt so much love flowing through his body.
Blue eyes flicked to their joined hands before meeting his, and she smiled warmly at him. “Hey, thanks for sharing your past with me and bringing me here. I know it can be difficult to talk about painful things like that.”
It was hard to share the pain of his past, but he also felt so much lighter now that he had. Some of the pressure that constantly seemed to press down on his chest was gone, and even if it was just for the next few moments, it had been worth it to feel as he did now.
Ben glanced at Holly, hoping that his eyes could communicate just how grateful he was to have her in his life. “It’s not so painful anymore, sunshine.”
A blush spread across her cheeks and Ben wished there was less distance between them so he could kiss her, public displays be damned. It would have to wait, though. “Good,” she replied, her eyes filled with affection. “Now, first one to the finish gets to buy me a churro from the cart I spied over there.”
Ben barked a laugh. “Deal.” He would buy her a million churros if it meant she kept looking at him like that, like he was something incredible and worthy, and even though they were currently spinning in circles, Ben could tell they were actually moving forward toward a very bright future.
***
T he afternoon sun dipped lower in the sky, evening approaching as Ben drove back toward Holly’s apartment. He had enjoyed their date immensely and felt lighter than air after having shared a difficult part of his past with the woman he loved. Now all he had to do was tell her how he felt. On the first date? Are you sure that’s wise? The voice of his anxiety rang in his head, and even though they had spent weeks getting to know one another and hanging out, Ben didn’t want to rock the boat when things were so perfect between them.
After parking the car, there was a definite bounce in his step as he moved over to the passenger door to help Holly out. When she put her hand in his as he pulled her up, his arm tingled with excitement, the feeling spreading to the rest of his body as he laced their fingers together and walked them toward her apartment.
Ben wanted to tell her how he felt so badly. Love, love, love. The words repeated in his mind, but they felt trapped, Ben unable to give voice to them, so when they finally got to the door of her place, Ben decided that showing her how he felt was the best he could do for now.
Ben pulled Holly closer to him and used his free hand to cup her cheek. It fit perfectly in his palm and he smoothed his thumb over the warm, smooth skin. Holly smiled shyly as he focused on the feel of her skin and not how disappointed he was in himself. “I had a really great time today.”
Ben untangled their hands and raised his to cup her other cheek. “Me, too.”
His voice was barely above a whisper as he leaned in for a kiss, and mercifully, when their lips met his worries went silent. Holly gripped his forearms as they kissed, her soft supple lips tasting of cinnamon and sugar from the treat they enjoyed at the park. Ben groaned, licking the sweetness off her lips, and when she parted them for him on a small gasp, he moved his tongue in to taste her fully.
Kissing Holly was unlike anything he had ever experienced before. She was pliant beneath him, willing to let him take the lead, but every now and then she would take charge, and those were the moments he lived for. Like when she slowly moved her hands from his forearms and traced the planes of his torso, wrapping them around him and pulling him closer until it felt like their bodies were merged into one. Ben followed her direction, moving his own hands into her hair to tilt her head, deepening the kiss by devouring as much of her as she would let him.
When Holly moaned, Ben thought he would lose control completely. His dick was already painfully pressing against his zipper, begging to break free and plunge into her wet heat. He pulled back to both catch his breath and to calm his arousal, inhaling slowly as he looked at Holly. She looked just as turned on as he did, few strands of hair coming loose from her braid, cheeks and neck flushed, and eyes a color of blue he’d never seen before. They looked like twilight, her pupils twin moons of black. It was quite the juxtaposition from their normally bright color, but she was just as radiant, maybe even more so because her guard was completely down. Ben made it his new mission in life to make her look like this as often as possible.
Holly licked her lips and gazed deeply into his eyes. “Would you...” she glanced at the door behind her, her voice laced with desire. “Would you like to come up?”
The hallelujah chorus broke out in his mind at her query . “I think you already know the answer to that, sunshine.” If he looked half as gone as she did, then there should be no doubt he was a sure thing. Ben’s need for more of Holly was nearing a frenzy, and an upstairs invite was just what he needed.
Despite the brazen way they’d been kissing, Holly’s smile was shy as she led him into the stairwell, taking his hand and leading him upward before stopping at the small landing just outside, turning to him with another bashful smile and opening the door. Ben gazed around the still, quiet apartment and sent up a silent prayer of thanks that Henry wasn’t home. The last thing he wanted was to get caught with his pants down in front of his best friend. Holly tossed her keys, purse, and ball cap on an entry table before moving them over to the couch, lightly pushing him to sit down before she removed the button down she wore over her t-shirt. If this was a strip tease, Ben was here for it, but Holly stopped after the one article of clothing, so Ben tucked the idea away for later.
Looking slightly unsure of herself for a moment, Holly eventually moved to straddle him, her long legs bracketing his as he leaned back on the couch. “Is this, okay?” she asked nervously, taking his arms and wrapping them around her waist.
It was better than okay, it was fucking fantastic, and Ben loved the boldness that was starting to come out of her. Gripping her waist, he shifted her so she was directly on top of his rock hard cock. “It’s a lot more than okay, sunshine.”
Holly shuddered a breath before moving in closer to kiss him. It was more urgent than the one they had shared downstairs, the gentle way they’d explored one another morphing into something far more ravenous. Ben had been starving for her, and now that he was getting more than a small taste, he’d become greedy. Relishing every second, he tightened his grip on her waist and instinctively ground her down on his erection as he bucked up into her, Holly’s answering whimper all he needed to keep repeating the action until his cock was leaking at the tip.
Holly’s hands moved to his chest and she gripped his shirt, twisting the thin material with her fingers as she moved her mouth off of his and kissed a path along his jaw. When she made it to his ear, she sucked the lobe into her mouth and grazed it with her teeth as her fingers wound their way under his shirt. The combined sensation of her wet mouth and warm hands was incredible, and he thrust harder, her hips meeting his at every turn. Their breathing was coming in short and fast, Holly’s fanning across his neck before she licked a stripe up the long column, nibbling at his jaw.
“More,” she panted against his skin.
Ben nodded, his hands slipping from her waist into her shirt where he cupped her breast, the lace of her bra scratching his palm. Needing more himself, he pulled the material away to expose her taut nipple. He couldn’t wait to suck the hard bud into his mouth, but until then, he settled for rubbing his thumb against it, memorizing the erotic sounds coming from Holly’s mouth as he did. Time stopped as they moved against one another, hands exploring, mouths crashing, and hips colliding.
Fuck. He was embarrassingly close to coming, and he was going to slow things down when he felt Holly’s body tightening like a coil beneath his hands before she snapped. Breaking the kiss, she opened her mouth in a silent scream, her eyes never leaving his as her body found release. Suddenly finding her voice, Holly’s cries of ecstasy filled the room, and watching her face find bliss a second time as she continued to grind against him was enough to send him over with her. Ben spilled into his boxers like a teenager as the goddess in his arms finally came down from her high.
“Jesus,” Ben grunted, thrusting his hips repeatedly as he continued to spill into his pants. Holly’s body trembled with aftershocks.
He couldn’t remember the last time he had come so hard and long, or so quickly, and he wasn’t even inside her yet. Holly sighed happily, her hands running up and down his chest causing a shudder to rack his body. The sensation was overwhelming and he pulled her into his chest to simply hold her as they both settled after something so intense.
Holly’s head rested on his shoulder as she snuggled impossibly closer, and Ben could swear he could feel her heart beating against his own. “Wow,” she whispered.
Ben chuckled at the understatement, his chest shaking as he wound his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. “You can say that again.” They stayed that way for a long while before she shifted her legs and sat next to him on the couch, leaning her head on his shoulder. Her expression was thoughtful, and Ben wondered what she could possibly be thinking about so intently when the only thing on his mind was how soon they could move things into the bedroom. He reached a finger over to tilt her head up to look at him. “What are you thinking about so hard over there?”
Holly blinked and she shook her head, her already flushed cheeks darkening. “Oh, it was nothing really.”
Ben’s brow furrowed, and he turned to look at her directly. Did she regret what they just did? The thought that she hadn’t wanted what just happened between them twisted his stomach into a tight knot. “Hey. If that was too much...” Holly cut him off by pressing a finger to his lips.
“It wasn’t too much,” she assured him before pecking his lips. “It was perfect. It’s just that...” She bit her lower lip and looked up at him apprehensively.
“It’s okay, Holly. You can tell me anything. Promise.” He’d forgone the use of her nickname because he wanted her to know how serious he was, wanting her to tell him whatever was on her mind, no matter the topic. Ben wanted to be there for her in every way possible.
She nodded and exhaled slowly. “It’s just that...” Holly looked up at the ceiling briefly before returning her gaze to his, so nervous that it was starting to make Ben even more anxious. “God, this is hard to admit. I’ve never had an orgasm with someone else before and it was so much better than I imagined it would be.”
Ben sighed in relief. That was it? There was no shame in never having gotten there with another person. In fact, Ben liked that he had been able to succeed where others had failed. Clearly, she had dated some duds in the past. “That’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Not everyone gets off with their partners.” He shook his head, disappointed on her behalf. “If anything, I’m sorry you’ve had such horrible experiences in the past.”
She shook her head at him, her expression pained. “No, Ben. You don’t understand. I’ve never had an orgasm with another person because I’ve never been with another person before.” Holly’s eyes never left her lap as she toyed with the hem of her t-shirt. “I’m a virgin.”
Ben sat back on the couch, definitely not expecting that confession, but the longer he sat, scratching his head and trying to figure out what to say, the more it made sense. He’d always just assumed her wanting to take things one small step at a time was for the same reason he did. As far as he’d come with his social skills, clearly he could still be better about asking more questions.
Holly shuffled uncomfortably on the couch, the rubbing of her denim jeans finally breaking the silence. “Does that...does that change your mind about me?”
Her delicate voice was laced with distress, and Ben mentally slapped himself to get it together. God, he was an asshole. Holly had just made herself vulnerable, confessed something incredibly personal, and he just sat silently while she spiraled, thinking he was trying to figure out a way to break things off with her.
Grabbing both of her hands, he brought them up to his mouth to kiss them and drew her body back toward his. “Of course it doesn’t, Holly.” Ben rubbed his fingers over her knuckles in a soothing motion, and that movement along with his statement seemed to calm her. The corner of his mouth raised and he shook his head, wondering how she could think anything would ever change his mind about her. “I was just trying to figure out how someone as beautiful and amazingly cheery as yourself was still a virgin. You must have had guys lining up around the block to take you out.”
Holly laughed lightly, but there was no humor in it. “Well, I told you I’d been on a lot of first and second dates, but things just never progressed past a goodnight kiss.” She swallowed thickly, her eyes shining slightly. “There were opportunities for it to go further, but I just didn’t want to do that with someone I didn’t lo—um, care about.”
Ben smiled at her nervous almost confession. Holly was going to say love, and the fact that she had gone pretty far with him was a decent indication that she had fallen as hard for him as he had for her. Smirking, he waggled his eyebrows, hoping to lighten the mood. “And you care about me?”
She put her hand on his chest and shoved him lightly. “I don’t care for the cockiness, but yes. I care about you, Ben.”
He held her hand on his chest and leaned closer to her. “I care about you too, Holly. Very much.” Kissing her lips briefly, Ben tightened his hands over hers, the words he wanted to say resting on the tip of his tongue, yet still unable to tumble out. “Thank you for sharing that with me.”
“The virgin thing or the orgasms on the couch thing.”
He raised her hand to his lips to kiss it. “Both.”
If her teasing meant he’d accomplished his mission of making her comfortable, he would take it every time. She snuggled into his side once more and they cuddled on the couch for a few minutes in silence, Ben feeling deeply honored that she cared enough about him to share both the physical affection and the verbal confession with him. If he wasn’t already in love with her, the trust she showed in him would have tipped him over the edge. Ben shifted, and now that his focus wasn’t entirely on Holly, he felt the stickiness in his jeans.
Gross. “I should probably go,” he said before leaning over to kiss her head.
“Oh, okay.” Ben pulled her to her feet and she followed him to the door, and when he turned to face her, her eyes were on her shoes, the nervous expression back on her face.
Ben tilted her head up so she could meet his gaze. “Hey.” He brushed his lips against hers, meaning for it to just be a reassuring kiss, but with her in his arms again they spent a good five minutes making out in her entryway. Leaning back just enough to rest their foreheads together, Ben smiled as reassuringly as possible. “I want to see you again, sunshine. As often and for as long as I can. I’m just a little uncomfortable after the fun we had on the couch and would like to leave before we have any unexpected company.”
Her eyes widened as she took in the stain that had spread across the front of his jeans. “Oh, right.” A shy smile replaced the apprehension on her face. She pulled back and opened the door for him before giving him one final kiss. “Thanks again for today.”
“Good first date?” he asked, knowing what her answer would probably be but needing to hear it anyway.
“Best first date ever.” With one last kiss to his cheek, she slapped his ass to move him out the door.
Ben chuckled as he walked out onto the landing. “I’ll call you later, sunshine.”
“Looking forward to it.” Ben looked back to see her leaning against the door with a bright smile on her face, and he marveled once more at the fact that he was the one who had put it there.
Shifting his flannel to cover the front of his pants, he descended the stairs and moved out into the alley, smiling the whole time and on the drive home as he thought about Holly, what they had done together, and what she had told him. The enormity of the love and trust she had shown him wasn’t lost on Ben, but his anxiety was surprisingly quiet. It would always be there in a way, simmering beneath the surface, but it was more manageable now than it ever had been. Love, love, love. The words repeated again, and Ben knew that next time, he’d make sure they made their way to Holly.