35. Solomon #3
“When you said you wouldn’t play in the tournament because I got in trouble—”
“I shouldn’t have said that.” She pauses. “But I think I meant it.”
“I could tell that you did. And it sent me into a panic. Because how could I ask you to give something like that up for me? When I knew there was no way in hell I was worth that kind of sacrifice.”
“You are worth—”
I squeeze her hand. “Just let me get through this, okay?”
She nods, but I can tell she wants to argue. The pinched expression on her face makes me smile, and that blows my mind, that I could ever even think about smiling when talking about all this shit.
“When I told you about my crush—”
“You mean your yearning,” she says, and my chest loosens a little at her teasing.
“Yeah,” I say evenly. “There was definitely some yearning involved. But you told me that you wished I would have talked to you back then.” I shrug. “The truth was, I was terrified of you.”
She sighs. “All the boys say that.”
That makes me laugh out loud, and she smiles up at me, sliding down the bench until our sides are pressed together.
I shake my head, amazed at how much easier it is to talk about this with her. Way different than talking to the therapist, or Red, or even Jay and Em. I slip an arm around her, exhaling in relief when she doesn’t pull away.
“I was terrified because all I could see when I looked at you was light. You were so…open. So yourself. It was amazing to watch.” Her arm comes around my waist, bringing us even closer.
“But it scared me, Cecelia, because I spent my whole life trying to not be that way. To keep myself closed off so no one could see the things that had made my parents hate me so much.”
“Solomon.” Her voice sounds pained. All of a sudden, she’s moving, slipping out from under my arm.
Before I can worry that it’s too much, that she’s going to leave me out here, she throws her leg over mine and climbs up into my lap.
She sits facing me, her hands coming up to my cheeks the same way I held her at halftime earlier.
“The things your parents hated about you?” She shakes her head.
“Those are some of the things I love most.” I must make a face because her expression turns stern.
“I’m serious. I love how your brain works.
Maybe it’s not exactly the way mine works, but that just makes it more special.
” She brings her hands to my temples now.
“This brain is so smart. You have this ability to hone in on a problem and find out the solution. You’re so focused, so intent on figuring it out.
You can see things that other people miss because you’re ridiculously observant. ”
She moves her hand down to my chest, over my heart.
“And this heart of yours, Sol, this heart is so good. You’re loyal and you’re kind.
You’re the most understanding, empathetic person I’ve ever met.
How long did it take for you to figure out that I was terrified of playing at the beginning of the season?
Something no one else had ever even noticed. ”
I just stare at her in disbelief. No one’s ever said anything like this to me. No one has ever looked at all the little parts of me that I’d always assumed made me weak and claimed them as reasons to love me instead.
And the crazy part is that I can tell she means every word.
“I don’t mind that you need quiet sometimes,” she goes on.
“I like that about you. I like hiding away in your apartment, just the two of us, and watching soccer and arguing about how boring baseball is and getting lectured about my meal plan. I like spending hours on a LEGO set. I like the way I can tell it calms you down when I chatter away about something without expecting you to join in.”
She lifts her face to kiss my forehead. “You make me feel calm, Solomon, and you make calm feel like a good thing. So much of my life is the opposite of calm and I thought I never needed anything different until I met you. Until I understood how good it felt to shut off the noise in my brain and just be with someone.”
I kiss her then, because I’m pretty sure my heart will explode if she says one more thing.
It’s impossible for my brain to believe that she could actually feel all of this about me, but the organ beating in my chest knows that she’s telling me the truth.
She really does love me. The actual me, not the guy who tried so hard to hide so many things about himself.
“I love you, Cecelia,” I say against her mouth.
“I love you, too. So much.”
“I’m so sorry I didn’t let myself believe you when you said it the first time.”
She pulls back and grins at me and I find myself grinning back, because how could I not smile when this gorgeous woman is sitting here in my arms, loving me? “I think it’s silly to keep apologizing for things that happened when we could be making out by the fire instead.”
I laugh, feeling lighter than I have since before I saw my dad standing outside of my apartment that day. And then I do exactly what she suggested and make out with her by the fire.