Chapter 17 #2
I chuckled to keep the tears that immediately sprang to my eyes at bay.
Besides Noah, this was the only man to ever hold me while I cried.
Most recently in the last two days when he came out onto the back porch to find me in the midst of a breakdown.
“I’m just getting a ride home,” I told him, trying to keep things light.
“I’ll see you later, or in the morning if you’re asleep when I get in. ”
He cut his gaze over to Noah. “Yeah, okay.” His eyes found mine again. “Remember what I told you.”
I nodded. “I will.”
“Did you get your order, Noah?” Arnell asked, reminding me that she was still standing there.
“No,” he replied. “I didn’t order anything. Just came to pick up Serra.”
Stepping away from Pop Pop, I caught the raise of Arnell’s brow as she tilted her head to stare at me. “Oh really?”
Her question was for Noah, but all her attention was on me. I couldn’t tell if things were about to be tense between us or if she was about to give me a thumbs-up according to the way she’d been praising Noah’s fineness just moments ago.
I didn’t bother responding to her, but gave Noah a small smile as I said, “Let’s go.”
The last time I sat in the passenger seat of Noah’s truck, I was thinking about how good it was going to feel to finally have him inside of me again.
Honestly, when he texted to see if I was still hiding out at the lake house and I told him I was at the restaurant instead, he wasted no time asking when I’d be finished so he could come and get me, and I’d been giddy.
It felt just like when we were in college and he’d meet me outside of the building of one of my classes or showed up at my dorm room to take me to his place.
There were more than just normal butterflies in my stomach.
My entire body vibrated with the need to be near him, the anticipation of his kiss, the aching to hear his voice, or touch his skin. Shit, I had it bad for him.
Things had changed so quickly back then and now.
We’d spent these last weeks denying what we both wanted in an effort to not blur the lines that had been drawn between us years ago.
Or at least I had. To be fair we hadn’t even discussed what would happen if we fell into bed together again.
I didn’t want to speak the words because while our ages had changed and I no longer cowered to my family’s whims, Noah and I had a whole new set of barriers this time around.
The most obvious being that I lived in New York and he lived here.
The one I’d rather keep to myself was the fear that I was making yet another mistake.
As for Noah, I had no clue what he was thinking.
From that moment on the elevator there was no doubt he was still attracted to me.
In retrospect, I should’ve known there would be no resisting the tug that was always between us.
But the physical had always been the easy part for us.
Communicating and working through the sticky stuff, not so much.
And while I didn’t know what we were doing this time around, I did know that whatever ultimately happened between us, I wasn’t going to let lack of communication be a problem.
“I never loved Adrian.” My voice broke through the silence just as he turned off the main road. We weren’t going in the direction of his place, nor were we heading to the lake house. I hadn’t bothered to ask where we were going, as long as we were together.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered if I was a glutton for punishment, if leaning into my need to be near him was only going to lead to a repeat of those lonely tear-filled nights I’d experienced after college.
Still, I continued, “I didn’t date much in law school.
Just focused on getting good grades and finishing before I changed my mind.
” A wry chuckle escaped, and I continued looking straight ahead.
“It was easier to focus on school than to think about anything else. Like what I really needed. So, I didn’t.
At least not until my last semester. That’s when I had my ‘come to Jesus’ moment, so to speak. ”
He was listening, I knew, and he would let me get it all out. Noah was a great listener and an excellent motivator. I forgot how much I missed him cheering me on and encouraging me to go all in on what made me feel good.
“I decided that I wasn’t going to be a lawyer.
I finished school and mailed my father the degree.
Then, I took the bar and passed without telling anyone.
I’d given my father all the satisfaction I planned to.
My roommate’s cousin, Freddie, was a sports agent.
She and her line sister had just opened their own agency that would cover music, entertainment, and sports.
I grew up in a house full of guys, so sports was a big thing…
for them at least. My father was insistent that it could only be a hobby for my brothers, though.
Law was their career. For me, he allowed sports just as a way of exercise.
” The memory made my chest tight, but I forced my lips to tilt into a small smile.
“My face was too chubby, and I loved chocolate a little too much. But I couldn’t get too big, that was unacceptable. ” I sighed.
“It seemed so natural to work at the agency, to be engrossed in something I knew a lot about but wasn’t meant to be a part of. After I signed my first client and negotiated a multi-million-dollar basketball deal, plus a phenomenal endorsement deal with Gucci, I knew I was in the right place.”
He pulled the truck into a clearing that I remembered fondly. I’d come here twice since that first night and sat right on one of the huge boulders at the base of the mountain just to think. The illumination from the headlights shone right up against those rocks before he switched off the engine.
My hands shook and I ran them over my thighs.
“That’s when I started dating again. When I was steady enough on my own, when I felt like I was finally heading in the right direction.
Adrian was the first serious relationship since…
us. I met him last year at the All-Star games.
I wasn’t even supposed to be there, but Lucas, from our office, his daughter, had chicken pox.
Two months later, after I’d been sufficiently swept off my feet, I bought Lucas some ridiculously expensive video game as a thank you for putting me in the right place at the right time. Or so I thought.”
“Why didn’t you love him?”
It was the first time he’d spoken, and he didn’t even look at me when he asked the question.
Because he wasn’t you was on the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed the words and took a slow breath.
“I wanted to.” I shrugged. “I had my dream job and was feeling great about myself. For me, that was half the battle. The rich and famous boyfriend wasn’t on my to-do list, but I was excited and I wanted it to be real.
I wanted… My father liked him. My brothers, especially Senon—you know, since basketball was his thing—loved him. ”
Silence hung heavily between us. I was certain he knew what I was too afraid to say.
He knew exactly how I felt when it came to my family and he always told me, similar to what Pop Pop had said a little while ago, to do what was best for me.
That I didn’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but myself.
I sucked in another breath and released it slowly.
“It was almost everything my family wanted for me. Sure, they hated that I’d chosen to become a sports agent even though I was basically still negotiating contracts the way I would’ve done if I’d gone into corporate law.
” I hurriedly swiped at the stupid tears.
“I’d finally made them happy. So what if he didn’t make me laugh and hated that I’d rather stay at home, watch a movie and eat homemade cheeseburgers and fries over going from one club to another or sailing the Mediterranean on a yacht in the off season. ”
“You were willing to sacrifice your happiness for them?”
There was nothing accusatory about his tone, and yet I still felt reprimanded. Like the ‘I told you so’ was floating somewhere in the near distance.
“At the time, I believed it was the right thing to do. He checked off all the boxes.” I thought about those last words and shook my head.
“All of somebody else’s boxes for me.” I wasn’t wearing any make-up and that was a good thing since my hands were up and scrubbing over my face as if I could somehow wipe away how foolish those words sounded.
How foolish I’d been to believe that would be enough for a marriage, for happiness.
“You’re not the only one who made mistakes.”