Chapter 19
NINETEEN
SAVANNAH
I push back against the tension gripping my muscles like a vice.
Of course Brodie wants to know about my mom. He’s a great journalist. He knows where the real story lies. And however much I don’t want to talk about it, I also know it’s where the real story lies. Maybe, for my own sake, it’s time to acknowledge that.
I take a breath. And another. Followed by a third. “When I was nine there was a fire in my house. It was late. Dad was away on business for the week and…” I bite down on the inside of my cheek, willing the rest of the words out. “And I was asleep in my room.”
Brodie gasps. “Jesus. I had no idea you were in the house as well.”
I blink hard, uncertain how much of my visceral memory is real and how much I’ve constructed from movies and books, imagining what it must have been like for me as a little girl with my house on fire around me.
“The first thing I remember is waking up coughing. I’m guessing it was the smoke.
I opened my door and although there were no flames, I think I heard them.
Like a roaring sound coming from Mom and Dad’s bedroom.
I went to open their door, but the handle was hot and the door wouldn’t budge.
I screamed and screamed for Mom, but she never came out.
” I swallow, my eyes stinging as if I’m back there now.
Smoke clouding around me. Unable to breathe.
“I didn’t know what to do. I was nine. And scared and confused.
When the fire trucks arrived they found me in my own room. Hiding under the bed.”
Brodie hesitates for a moment and then pockets his phone, sliding his way over to my end of the bench. He wraps his arm around me. “I’m so sorry, Sav.”
“I think now that it was a flashover, but I didn’t know that as a kid.
I just remember sitting in the ambulance, a plastic mask strapped to my face.
All of a sudden the entire house was on fire.
The remains of Mom’s body were recovered the next day.
Along with those of a firefighter who got caught in the blaze trying to rescue her. ” I look away, back rigid.
“Fuck.” His arms tighten around me.
I keep my head turned away. My thoughts dense and impenetrable. More words form on the tip of my tongue. Ugly words. Itching to be freed.
About how I gave up. Gave up and hid.
I should have tried harder.
As if he can sense my turmoil, Brodie’s hug tightens even more. Unrelenting and unconditional.
An involuntary shudder rolls through me and I turn it into a shrug. “Is that enough, or do you need more details?”
“We can stop, Sav. You don’t need to share anything else.”
“I’m fine. Just ask me your questions.”
He frowns and then shakes his head. “Okay. Can you maybe share more of your journey to becoming a firefighter? Was it always your goal?”
I steel myself with another breath. “Kind of. I wondered about it as I was growing up. I’d see fire trucks go by with their sirens and lights and I’d feel this pull.
But it was always a job for boys. And anyone who noticed thought it was me reacting to the memories of Mom.
By the time I got to college, it had dropped off as an option entirely.
I stopped thinking about anything else when I realized there was only one path for me. Dad’s.”
He stiffens ever so slightly. “But now you’re here. What changed?”
I focus on the slivers of sunlight eking their way between the blossoms. “Honestly, it all happened very recently. I was feeling out some ideas for my master’s thesis at the end of my first year, working on a piece with a group of seniors.
My aim was to explore the gap between who they were when they were young, who they are now, and how they’re seen by others.
Everyone I interviewed had regrets. Huge regrets that stayed with them their whole lives.
I got close to one of the ladies. Doris.
” I pause while my heart throbs so hard I feel it all the way to the soles of my feet.
“She died last summer. I found out when I received a note from her son, including a card Doris wrote to me. In it she said something that really hit home.”
I shimmy back on the bench and lift my blouse. Running along the white lace edge of my bra is a tattoo Brodie won’t have seen before. Tiny delicate letters spelling out a quote:
Live life like I matter.
He gasps, brushing his fingers over my skin.
I let out an involuntary shiver.
“Wow.” His voice catches. “It’s beautiful. And perfect. You do matter, Savannah.”
I drop my blouse, pressing my back against the bench. “Really?”
He frowns. “Of course.”
“But I didn’t matter enough to you.”
The implication is clear, screaming in the silence between us.
Flinching, he drops his head. “You did matter to me. You do matter. You were my whole world and I should have fought harder. I should never have…” He sighs, his voice trailing away.
I round on him, three years of hurt, and anger, and the most painful fucked-up confusion threatening to spill. “What, Brodie? You should never have what?”
He turns ashen and then rubs at his temples, messing up his hair. “Nothing. I’m just… Guess I have my own regrets. A lot of them.”
“Over what happened with me?”
“Fuck yeah, but my regrets begin way further back than that.” He fidgets, the bench creaking under us. “Growing up, I spent so long hearing my dad tell me I was a failure that I believed him. Which made it even easier to believe that I wasn’t good enough for you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You deserved better than me, Sav.” He stands. Sudden. Abrupt. Hovering on the spot like he’s caught between staying or going. “Maybe you still deserve better than me.”
I move to him, reaching out and grasping his hand.
The world quiets down around us. The buzz of traffic turns to a low hum. The chatter of people enjoying the blossoms disappears on the breeze.
He stares at our connection and then meets my gaze. “Savannah, I’m—”
“How do I know you won’t do it again?”
“Won’t do what?”
My hand trembles where I’m still holding him. “How do I know?”
Realization dawns in his eyes.
He turns to face me square on, taking my other hand and squeezing me tight.
“Savannah, walking away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
A day hasn’t gone by since without me thinking of you.
Without me regretting what happened. If there’s a chance you can forgive me…
” He blinks. “I will never hurt you again.”
I struggle to hold his gaze, feeling at risk of being torn in two. Desperately scrambling to work out if I’m strong enough to do this. If I’m really prepared to put myself right back into the mixer and let myself be hurt a second time.
He releases one of my hands, tracing his thumb over my jaw. “Savannah?”
All I can manage is the smallest of nods.
His eyes search my face. “If you want me here, with you, then I’m here. Now I’ve found you again… I will never make the same mistakes. I promise.”
I feel the tears before I can get a handle on them. It takes every ounce of self-control to not blink. To not let them fall.
“Shit. I didn’t mean to make you cry again.”
“I’m not crying.”
He moves his thumb to my cheek.
I lean into his contact, pressing against his thumb as it moves lower, teasing over my mouth. I part my lips and it nudges inside.
He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
I gaze up at him, a peace settling around my shoulders.
Silencing the questions. Cloaking the doubts.
What happened in the past doesn’t matter.
Not today. He’s here. I’m here. We found our way back to each other.
And even though the future remains uncertain, I know that right now, there’s only one possible answer I can give. “I’m sure.”
He pauses, for a whisper of a second, holding himself no more than an inch from me. His breath caresses my skin as he searches my face. I release the grip I still have on his hand and wind my arms around his waist.
Enough. No more waiting.
I lift to my tiptoes and press my mouth to his, parting his lips with my tongue and delving in. And like a dam breaking, he returns my kiss with a ferocity I have only ever known from him.
My hands claw at him, finding their way around his neck and threading into his hair. His delicious messy hair. I tug hard and he groans into my mouth.
He tastes cool and fresh, like he snuck a mint when I wasn’t looking, and his tongue entwines with mine as if he wants to eat me alive. Which he can. Right here. Right now. He can take everything he wants because I’m his. However much I’ve tried to fight it, I’ve always only been his.
Pulling him closer, I press my body against him, squeezing out every last millimeter of air between us. Floundering for purchase, a fire taking root, snaking between my legs and making me ache to feel him inside me again.
He returns my intensity. Hot. Hard. Wild. Moving us until my back hits the trunk of a cherry tree, the bark rough and scratching at my neck, blossoms falling around us like snow.
He stills at the impact, easing himself away. “I think we need to stop.”
“Why?”
“Because we’re in public.” He shrugs like it’s an apology, his hair even more disheveled and his breathing labored.
He adjusts himself in his dark jeans and my gaze catches on the bulge he’s packing.
Clearly I’m not the only one on fire.
Surveying the mess I’m in, I straighten the creases in my blouse. My mouth feels deliciously bruised, and looking at Brodie, his is the same.
I capture my lip between my teeth, wishing he was the one biting me, and try to formulate something to say. It’s a struggle. My brain seems to have forgotten even the most basic words. “Uh… what… so…”
He chuckles, a wicked smile tweaking at his mouth.
All I can think about is kissing it away.
Like he can read my thoughts, he steps back. “Maybe I should walk you home.”
“What?” I don’t want to go home. I want to keep kissing. And licking. And sucking. And be pinned underneath him as he strips me bare. Actually, maybe going back to my apartment is the perfect—
“We shouldn’t rush this.”
Oh. “Why not?”
“I want you to be sure, Sav. Give you time to think.”
“I don’t need to think.”
“We’ve talked about a lot of stuff today. Emotional stuff. This isn’t a race.”
“Look at you, all grown up and making sensible decisions.”
“Just don’t want to mess this up.” He kicks at a tuft of grass covered in blossom snow. “Plus, we need to come up with a plan.”
“A plan for what? How to have hot horny sex?” Yep. My hormones are clearly in the driving seat.
It’s his turn to blush. “Based on what just happened, we don’t need a plan for that.”
“Exactly.” I throw my hands in the air.
“But we do need to work out how I’m finishing the feature without anyone knowing we’re having hot horny sex. Especially the cap.”
“So, we are going to have hot horny sex?” I bat my eyelashes at him. I can tell he’s a little taken aback. Hell, I’m a little taken aback by how forward I’m being. Guess that kiss has unleashed a whole lot of pent-up desire and there’s no shutting it down now.
He holds out his hand and pulls me into a hug, his mouth pressing against my ear. “You do realize, the longer we hold off on the hot horny sex, the hotter and hornier it will be.”
A shiver ripples through me and my voice comes out breathless and needy. “But I don’t think I’ll be able to handle anything hotter or hornier.”
“Oh, you’ll be able to handle it. I’ll make sure of that.”
Fucking hell. I squeeze my legs together.
His hand lands on my lower back and guides us back to the sidewalk.
I’m still all kinds of fired up. “You know, the easiest plan for making sure no one knows we’re having hot horny sex is simply avoiding said hot horny sex in the fire hall.”
His eyes flare like he’s had the same X-rated fantasies as me about getting down and dirty on the dryer, in the locker room, pinned against the fire truck, and splayed out on the table of the rec room.
I swallow as the images flash through my head like one of those books where you flip through the pages to create an animated cartoon.
He gives a nervous laugh. “I don’t even want to know what you’re thinking.”
“Yeah, probably wise.” I also laugh, leaning into the moment. “Come on, walk me home and I promise I won’t jump you when we get there. Taking our time sounds perfect.”
We choose Nelson to scale the hill, this time at a far steadier pace than on the way down.
And despite my oh so sensible declarations to not jump him, my body isn’t ready to let him go just yet. I tuck myself in close. My feelings shouting loud and clear in the way my fingers entwine with his. And how my head rests against his shoulder. And how our steps land in sync.
Until all too soon, we reach my apartment building. Tulips blooming on my neighbor’s balcony. The front door’s sunshine motif gleaming. “This is me.”
“You’re kidding?”
“Nope, why?”
“I run right past here at least twice a week.”
I shake my head. “How have we never bumped into each other?”
He shrugs. “Maybe it’s all been fate. Made sure we only found each other again when the time was right.”
“And that’s now?”
“Damn right.” Ever so gently, he takes my face in his hands again, dropping a light kiss to my forehead, my nose, and then my lips.
I press against him.
Our mouths instantly lock, fiery with the prospect of so much more. But just as I’m about to rescind my promise not to jump him and beg him to come inside, he ducks away.
I playfully roll my eyes. “I know. We’re not in a race.”
A smile ghosts across his face as he brushes his fingers over his mouth. “When are you back on shift?”
“Wednesday.”
He nods, all cute and criminally sexy. “Perfect. Guess that’s our next date.”