26. Player
PLAYER
I wanted something different, and that's exactly what we got tonight. This break we spent together in the empty, dark stadium, with only shooting stars as witnesses, was unique.
You're caught like a rat, buddy!
My internal voice speaks up, and it doesn't pull any punches with me. I could almost believe Emery is telling it what to say to me. My best friend hasn't let up these past few weeks, but I haven't cracked, the relationship I have with Dixie is a secret I don't intend to spread around.
When we get back, the dorm is completely silent. I'm holding Dixie's hand in mine, and she's the one who breaks the contact. She places a light kiss on my lips before pulling away, but I hold her back and pull her against my body.
Her eyes widen in surprise. "Someone might see us!" she whispers.
There was never any talk about us being a real couple, but I never demanded we hide either.
You don't know what you want!
It's clear that my intentions are murky at best, even to myself .
I turn my attention back to Dixie and lean in to capture her lips. Our kiss quickly becomes more intense, yet tender too, and she's the one who finally breaks it off. She rests her forehead against mine, eyes closed, her voice just a whisper when she asks, "What do you expect from me?"
I swallow, my mind in disarray. I don't expect anything from her, but is she ready to hear that?
What's suddenly gotten into me that I'm worrying about her feelings? This relationship is drifting toward a minefield I don't want to cross, yet I'm unable to pull away from her. Her scent envelops me and I feel good.
Yes, Dixie has that effect on me. When I'm with her, I feel understood.
She opens her eyes and meets mine. I'd swear she's trying to read my thoughts, but I'm not clear on them myself, so what could she possibly understand?
Dixie finally steps away from me, and I let her, too lost in my personal turmoil. I often feel like everything inside me calms down when I'm with Dixie, but not tonight. Right now, I'm caught in a whirlwind threatening to overwhelm me.
Damn! This is exactly what I refused to feel!
"Good night," she finally says.
She turns on her heel and heads towards her room. The simple fact that she could leave me alone crushes my chest.
"Sleep with me."
My words hang in the air, and Dixie freezes without turning around.
"All night," I add.
I don't know where this request came from, but I really don't want to be alone. Dixie doesn't answer, doesn't turn to face me, and I approach her before placing my hands on her shoulders. I can't add anything more, but I can use the assets I have to make her accept .
I brush her hair away from her neck before leaning toward her and placing my lips below her ear. I suck on her skin, breathe in her scent while my hands take possession of her hips. I feel her shiver when I nibble her earlobe, and I can't hold back a victorious smile.
Slowly, I turn her to face me. Her eyes dive into mine.
"Are you sure?" she asks me. "I don't want you to kick me out like..."
She doesn't finish her sentence, but I know she's talking about our first time. A wave of guilt washes over me as I think about my behavior that night, but I quickly push it away. The past is the past; there's nothing I can do to change things.
"I want you to spend the whole night with me, Dixie."
She stares at me for another moment, and I see doubt hovering over her beautiful face, but I don't argue further. As much as I want her to accept, I'm not in the habit of begging for favors from my conquests, nor sleeping with them, for that matter.
Is that what she is to you, just another conquest?
I push the question away. Alabama and I, it's just physical. There's nothing more to say about it.
"Okay," she finally breathes. Without adding anything, I take her hand and lead her toward my bedroom. I lock the door behind us.
I take off my clothes, keeping only my boxer briefs, before lying down in my bed. Dixie imitates me, but she's still wearing her bra. I have a half-smile thinking she won't need it, but I keep quiet.
She joins me and positions herself next to me. Propped up on my elbow, I look at her for a moment. Something stirs inside my chest, a new sensation that isn't unpleasant, but that surprises me .
Dixie's eyes widen a bit and I say the first thing that comes to mind. "I hope you don't snore..."
She frowns and jabs me in the belly. "And I hope you don't hog the bed!"
I turn off the lamp, plunging the room into darkness. My arm rests on Dixie's stomach. I feel her hair tickling my face, but I don't move. Her breathing is a bit fast, and her skin breaks out in goosebumps when I brush it with my fingertips.
The desire I feel at her touch reawakens, and I wonder for the thousandth time what it is about her that I find so appealing, making me stand at attention at the slightest opportunity.
No other woman has ever had this effect on me before. It's unprecedented, pleasant, and... dangerous. I'm aware that something new is happening inside me, but I try not to think about it.
I gently caress the skin of her arm, then her shoulder, attentive to what I'm stirring in Dixie. Her breath mingles with mine when she turns her head toward me to kiss me. I let her. Her kiss is soft, welcoming, more tender than any we've shared until now.
Suddenly, I want to make love to her. I don't want to just fuck her to satisfy the hunger that gnaws at me every time I'm near her, no, I want more .
I return her kiss, taking the time to caress her lips with the tip of my tongue.
Without realizing it, I've shifted slightly to position myself above her.
I leave her mouth to explore the tender skin of her neck.
I can feel her heartbeat and sense that mine pulses in unison, as if our bodies are vibrating at the same frequency.
Her chest is still covered by her light bra, and I slide the straps down her shoulders to free her breasts. Dixie arches just enough for my fingers to unhook the clasp, and shrugging it off. The next moment, I retrieve the lace and make it disappear off the bed.
In the darkness, I can't see her body or read her beautiful eyes, but my other senses are on alert, detecting her slightest sigh, the smallest shiver on her skin.
While kissing her again, I position myself on top of her.
Her thighs wrap around my waist to pull me even closer.
Tonight, I won't just fuck her. I want more, even if I don't know exactly what that means and I'm unable to analyze it.
I do what I know how to do, give her pleasure until she can't take anymore.
The sky is blue today. Too bad, I won't be playing with mom, guessing animal shapes in the clouds. I love when she spends time with me, just the two of us.
The cool air sweeps away the autumn-colored dead leaves. I should collect some for Teacher Lucie. She's always happy when I bring her little gifts.
I run around the garden imagining Ridley is with me. Ridley is my big brother. Dad hates when I talk about him, he says I imagine too many things and that I need to grow up, that I don't have a brother and that will never change.
But I can play with Ridley whenever I want, and he's also the one who protects me when the big kids bother me at school. I often wonder what he would do in my place.
"There you are, sweetheart!"
I turn around to see Mom coming down the steps that lead to the back of our house. Her brown hair blows across her face because of the wind, she pushes it back before smiling at me. My mom is the most beautiful woman in the world, even Teacher Lucie isn't as pretty .
My mother approaches me before lifting me up in the air, and I laugh. My heart beats fast. I wish Mom would take care of Ridley too, but she doesn't see him, I'm the only one who knows he's with us.
"Do you want to go to the carnival today?" she asks me.
I glance in Ridley's direction, and he smiles at me.
He loves the rides, he has the courage to get on the biggest roller coasters, but not me.
He often tells me to follow him, that nothing can happen to me as long as he's near me.
I prefer to stay below to watch the cars racing down the metal tracks.
Mom holds my hand and we walk through the carnival rows, looking at everything. The air smells of sugar and vanilla, just like Mom's perfume.
Ridley is beside us, sometimes I look up at him and he smiles kindly. Everything is easier when he's with me.
Suddenly, black clouds appear in the sky. Lightning reflects in the waters below. The pier where the carnival is threatens to be swamped by waves that have gotten huge without our noticing.
"We need to leave," Mom shouts.
The wind blows harder and harder to the point of pushing me backwards. I stumble and fall. I try to grab onto my mother, but my hands meet only emptiness. I look for Ridley, but he's no longer there. I'm alone!
My heart pounds; I jump when lightning strikes the end of the pier, setting the wood on fire. The flames spread very quickly, eating everything in their path. I watch, hypnotized, their well-orchestrated ballet.
Then the sweet smell is replaced by a salty taste in my mouth. I cough, I spit. I search for air, and when I breathe, I feel like flames are entering my body. It hurts so much!
The pain is everywhere, inside, in my lungs, and outside, on my skin. I'm terribly hot. The scenery becomes blurry, and when I open my eyes again, I'm in my bedroom. Curled up in a corner of the room, I protect my head with my arms, then I hear him. Him... his voice terrifies me:
"You wandered off, you did it on purpose!"
I hear the familiar click that sends a surge of terror through me, and I scream, "No!"
My scream echoes through my room, and I hope Ridley will come save me, but he doesn't arrive, and the metal bites into my skin. Mom isn't here either.
I scream louder, again and again, until I feel the burning in my throat and can no longer make a sound.
"It's all your fault, you worthless piece of trash. You shouldn't even be here!"
He bellows, rage making his evil gaze gleam as he stares at me. I can't run away, all I can do is escape into my head, to a world where he doesn't exist.
I wake with a start, my body drenched in sweat and my heart beating as quickly as if I were in the middle of wind sprints. I need a few seconds to understand that I'm in my bedroom, but not the one from my childhood, not the one that sheltered all those horrors.
A wave of nausea twists my gut and I leave my bed where Dixie is still sleeping, glad I’m on the outside and able to roll away without waking her. I can't look at her. I need to get out. I grab my clothes and my phone before leaving the apartment.