31. Dixie
DIXIE
My eye is throbbing, and I’m popping Tylenol and rubbing numbing gel on my skin just to bear it. My cheekbone has swollen up, with a huge purplish bruise spreading underneath my skin.
"The bright side is you don't need makeup for the party," Keri points out as we're getting ready.
The Halloween party is just a few hours away, and I can't help thinking about Bradley. When we were little, we loved dressing up before going door-to-door throughout the neighborhood. Our candy hauls are legendary in the family.
My eyes sting with tears. Misinterpreting my reaction, Keri stands next to me in front of the mirror.
"You're beautiful, Dixie. Black eye or not." I shake my head, and she adds, "I swear you are. I'd sleep with you, just for the sex of course, if you were bi too."
Her comment at least succeeds in making me burst out laughing.
"Thanks for reassuring me about my sex appeal," I finally respond when I regain my composure. "But that's not what I'm worried about."
Keri turns to me, eyebrows furrowed. "No? "
I shake my head. "No."
The least you could say is that my roommate sometimes lacks empathy, and it's often necessary to explain my thoughts to her.
"I was thinking about my brother, and wondering how we ended up like this."
Keri stares at me for a moment before speaking again.
"I'm the oldest in my family. My mother thought it was a good idea to pop out more kids after me.
Last I heard, I have three sisters and four brothers.
Don't even try to figure out who their fathers are—they're all different men.
" She pauses, then adds,"The one thing they have in common is that they all screwed her on nights when she was too high to tell the difference between a pool cue and a dick. "
Her confession surprises me on many levels. For one, Keri isn't the type to share details about her life, and I never imagined she came from such a precarious background. And I can hear the disgust and contempt she feels for her mother, which breaks my heart for her.
"All I'm saying is, if you're lucky enough to have a brother who loves you enough to drive all the way up the coast to see you when he only had a short leave, and then beats the crap out of the guy who's screwing you, you should do everything you can to make up with him."
Keri's words, as brutal as they are, make me think. I love Bradley, even if what he did yesterday was incredibly stupid. I don't know where he spent the night or if he's still around. For all I know, he probably headed back down south during the night.
"If I were you," Keri continues, "I'd go find him and talk things out. Guys will come and go from your bed, Dixie, but your brother—he'll be there your whole life."
I study my reflection in the mirror, thinking. There's truth in what she's saying. All I need to do is get past my ego and resentment, find Bradley, and clear the air with him.
Keri puts the finishing touches on her makeup before leaving the room.
She has this incredibly direct way of speaking that surprises everyone, but there's no malice in what she says.
Keri sometimes gives me the impression of being a child, with the frankness and naivety that comes with that stage of life.
I finally pick up my phone to send Bradley a message.
DIXIE
Are you still around?
I wait for his answer with some anxiety. What's his state of mind today? Did he go back to base? If he's still here, will he agree to see me?
My doubts disappear when I get his response.
brADLEY
I got a room at the motel off the highway.
I breathe a sigh of relief. I hadn't even realized I was holding my breath.
Another message appears on my screen.
brADLEY
Want to meet in town?
He gives me directions to find him, and I leave my room after finishing getting ready.
It takes me almost thirty minutes to reach downtown, and when I enter the coffee shop where my brother asked to meet, I'm afraid he might have bailed. But I find him sitting at a table by the window. He takes a sip of coffee while looking me over.
I sit down on the bench across from his.
"You look like hell," I comment.
His right eye is barely in better shape than mine, a huge bruise spreads along the edge of his eyelid. My gaze moves to his hands, where the knuckles are scraped up.
"You don't look any better than me, Dixie." I hear the concern in his voice. I look up and his gaze meets mine. "I'm sorry, little sister."
Tears fill my eyes before I can stop them. Bradley places his hand on mine.
"It'll be okay," he says reassuringly.
My throat is so tight I can't respond. A waitress approaches us and he orders for me, "A mint green tea and a slice of lemon pie, please."
Through my tears, I smile. He's still as thoughtful as ever, and he knows me inside and out. A silence falls between us during which I try to decipher his enigmatic expression. I have the feeling that as time has passed, Bradley’s become more secretive.
Not that he was ever very open or eager to confide the smallest details of his life to me, but lately, it's gotten worse.
"What's happening with you?"
The question left my lips without thinking. Bradley turns his attention back to me, looking thoughtful.
"Life," he finally answers cryptically.
I frown and prepare to reply when the waitress sets my order in front of me before offering to refill my brother's coffee cup. He accepts with a nod and the waitress quickly returns. Once he's been served and she's walked away, I turn my attention back to him.
"The Marines have turned you into a philosopher," I tease gently.
His lips twitch, but his smile never fully forms. This is something that's really changed about him. When we were younger, he was always smiling.
He drinks his coffee while I take a bite of lemon pie. The lemon curd melts on my tongue in a sweet and tangy blend .
"Do you love him?"
His question cuts short my moment of indulgence and I freeze, my spoon halfway between my plate and my mouth. My brother's gaze is locked on mine, his expression very serious.
"That's a personal question," I evade before taking another bite of the pie, this time mostly crust.
He shakes his head and I don't know what that means. When did he become so unreadable? I can't follow or understand him.
"Love isn't a valid reason to accept everything, Dixie." He seems so serious, and he appears to be speaking from experience. I frown as he continues, "Some people have a gift for making you believe you matter to them as much as you'd like, but it's not always sincere."
I think about Player and our relationship before smiling bitterly. "You're wrong about Player. I assure you he's never tried to present himself as anything other than what he shows the rest of the world. In fact, he's the first to say he's a huge jerk, he doesn't hide it."
Now it's my brother's turn to frown. Lifting an eyebrow, he asks, "So it's his bad boy side that you like?"
I shrug. "Does it really matter?"
"Maybe not, or maybe it does. I don't want him taking advantage of you."
"What if I told you we're taking advantage of each other?"
He doesn't answer and his gaze drifts toward the window through which you can see the main street. Vehicles pass by, people walk on the sidewalks. Outside, life goes on.
"I'm sorry I insulted you," he finally says.
His words make me feel better. Not because he's admitting his wrongs, but because I'm getting my brother back, the Bradley who would never do anything to hurt me.
When he turns his attention back to me, I can read sincerity on his face.
"Sorry I lost control. I should never have provoked him, much less hit him. "
My spoon falls back onto the plate with a metallic clang.
"You started it?"
"I thought you knew..."
He looks even more guilty now.
"Why? What came over you?"
Bradley takes a deep breath before answering, "I wish I knew."
That makes two of us! I'm shocked that my brother is responsible for this altercation.
"He got kicked out of college because of you!"
My brother's mask of indifference crumbles before my eyes, and he rubs his cheek, sighing. "I didn't want that. I wasn't thinking, it was stronger than me. He said he was screwing you, and I lost it."
"You provoked him, what did you expect? That he'd just take it without reacting?"
Bradley shakes his head. Even if he's sincerely sorry, the one who loses the most in this situation is Player. My heart tightens. After all this, I'm certain he won't want anything to do with me.
Damn! Where has my dignity gone? I'm degrading myself, ready to beg for his attention when I've never been anything more than a hookup to him. A conquest he didn't even want to add to his list of trophies in the first place.
I'm pathetic.
Tears fill my eyes again. I feel worthless, like nothing.
Maybe there was some truth when Bradley called me a slut?
What woman would let herself get dragged into Player's bullshit without protesting?
I dove in headfirst, but worse than that, I want more.
Because I'm not sure I would have the strength to resist Player if he came back to me .
Thankfully he won't.
He was very clear about what I meant to him: nothing more than a challenge he won. I was entertainment for him, now it's all over.
I should feel relieved to be rid of this toxic relationship, but that's not the case. I just feel alone, empty, humiliated too.
And even though Bradley and I have reconciled, something has changed between us.
"I didn't need you to defend my honor."
"I know, Dixie Dix. You're the stronger one of us two."
I can see his sincerity in his eyes, but it doesn't lift my spirits.
When I return to campus, I feel like my life has spiraled out of control and it will take time to get it back on the right track.