33. Kris
33
KRIS
We roll into Birchwood and my skin is practically itching with how uncomfortable it is in this truck. The longest trip of my life today, and I’m such a dick for making it this way.
Kameron starts gathering her things at her feet, I’m sure she’ll jump out of the door to get away from me before I even turn into her driveway.
I purposely drive slower, taking my time at the turns, knowing this is probably the last time we’ll ever be in a situation like this.
Sure, I’ll see her at the Bazaar, but I’ll keep my distance and knowing her, she’ll still be so angry with me that she won’t care if I’m around her or not.
She’d probably prefer I not be near her.
Unfortunately, I arrive at her driveway and see her best friend step onto the porch as I shift into park. Kameron climbs out, not even sparing me another look so I follow her cue and grab her other bag and set it on the ground.
Kameron practically yanks it from my hand.
“Kam,” I plead, hating this entire situation.
But yet, you fucking caused it, moron.
“Don’t,” she snaps, but her voice is low as she glares at me. She’s only two feet away, but she might as well be a million at the distance I’ve forced between us today. “Don’t fucking speak to me, ever again.”
“Kameron.”
“I said, don’t,” she grits through her teeth at me. “Your silence today was loud enough.”
Her eyes start to water, and I feel my chest start to ache. I want to reach out to her, wrap her in my arms and apologize for being a jackass all day. I want to explain why I’m doing what I’m doing, because I don’t know how to do what I really want to do.
“I’ll give Cora your contact information, and she can give you any details you may need for the Bazaar.”
She turns on her heels, walking toward where Cora is waiting for her. Our eyes meet and I can feel the hatred radiating off her too.
Fuck.
I watch Cora wrap her arms around Kameron, and I see Kameron slowly break down in her best friend’s arms.
Shit, I’ve got to get out of here. I can’t sit here and watch her fall apart like this.
Pulling my eyes away from her, I suck a deep breath into my lungs and reverse out of her driveway, avoiding looking back the entire way until her house is out of view.
The drive to my place is practically a blur.
One minute I was pulling out of Kameron’s driveway, and the next I was pulling into mine.
It’s only been a few days that I’ve been gone, but looking up at my house now feels like I’ve been away for much longer than that. Four days with Kameron wasn’t nearly enough, but at the same time, it was too long and that’s why I ran for the hills.
The second I got the chance.
Just like in college.
When she said the words last night, about how she never wanted us in that moment to end… it might as well have been a bucket of cold water thrown in my face.
I was slammed right back into reality, and reminded why she and I could never work.
Things won’t change, and I’ll always be the one who hurts her if I don’t put distance between us.
So, in a weird way, I’m trying to save her from me.
Climbing out of my truck, I grab my bags, but instead of heading to the door, I make my way to the road to check my mail since I’ve been gone.
Only a few bills… sigh.
I walk up my driveway, and my mind drifts to Kameron. Her broken smile, and the sadness in her eyes. Damn, it guts me that I’m the one who caused that.
But, shit. How does she want any of that?
Knowing that it’ll all go up in flames eventually anyways?
I shake my head and unlock my door, hearing Titan’s large paws barrel through the house in my direction. When he comes around the corner, his bobbed tail begins wagging harder and his ears lower into what I like to call airplane mode.
“Hey, boy!” I drop my bags at the same time he jumps at me, his front paws stretching up my chest as his paws on the ground bounce back and forth with excitement. “I missed you, too.” I tell him as he licks my face.
“Let’s go outside.” I scratch between his ears that have now perked up at the mention of going outside.
He pushes away from me, causing me to take a step back slightly and I chuckle at his force. He’s only a year old, but he’s on the larger side for Dobermans and he still doesn’t realize how big he actually is.
I follow him through the house, glancing around as I head for the backdoor. Nothing has changed a bit since I’ve been gone. Nothing is out of place, the house is spotless.
I can thank Nina for that. She dog sits while I’m away, and often cleans up after me because I’m a slob at times. She gets her paycheck, and it helps keep her from having to have a regular eight to five job.
The cool breeze hits me as I step outside, chill bumps forming on my arms. It’s not nearly as cold as it was near the mountains, but it’s chilly enough for me today.
My mind immediately wanders to Kameron, and the way her skin would pebble when we were together at times. I smile, then immediately drop it.
Why the hell am I constantly thinking about her?
Shaking my head, I bend to grab one of Titan’s tennis balls. His gaze immediately zeros in on my hand, like his spidey sense alerted him the ball was now activated for throw.
“You ready, boy?” I smile at him, and that knub of a tail takes off wiggling. “Go get it.” I grunt as the ball launches into the air and some grass kicks up around Titan’s take off.
He rushes through the yard, trying to meet the ball before it hits the ground, but he comes up short just as the ball hits and bounces high into the air. He follows with what I like to call a tail kick before he snags the ball out of the air and comes running back toward me.
“Good, boy.” I run a hand along his back, taking the ball from him with my other.
The doorbell rings, just as I launch the ball for the second time. I frown to myself, before heading inside to see who it is.
Sliding the door shut behind me, Titan doesn’t even notice I’ve left him alone. He’s too focused on slinging the ball himself. What’s he need me for? I chuckle, moving through the house.
My bags are still sitting by the front door, so I slide them out of the way using my foot and yank the door open. Thank goodness my feet are plants, or I’d probably fall over not expecting to see who is on my front porch.
I know who I wish it could be, but that’ll never happen.
“Mom?” I look behind her, but all I see is a car parked behind my truck with no one else inside. “What are you doing here?”
She must have left the brunch with my brother and drove straight here. Where’s her man?
“I came alone,” she tells me. “Something has been bothering me since our talk last night, and I wanted to see you.” She looks behind me, taking in the house she’s never been to.
She’s asked to visit, but I’ve always said no. I just never saw the point in her coming over, I put the distance between us for a reason.
“I’m tired from my long drive, and the weekend. You should have called first.”
“Kristopher, enough!” Her voice raises an octave and I feel like I’m being scolded as a child again.
I’m not sure if it’s the look on her face, or the weekend I’ve just had, or the fact that I’m already feeling like the biggest piece of shit that walked the Earth… but I move to the side, holding the door open for my mother to come into my home.
She exhales a deep breath, stepping into the foyer and out of the way so I can swing the door shut behind her. I walk further into the house, wanting to check on Titan. I don’t normally leave him outside for long by himself.
“Your place is nice.” She smiles, her eyes glancing around the rooms we move through before she stops next to me staring at my backyard. “That’s a big backyard.”
It is. It’s one of the reasons I chose the house. I wanted somewhere that wouldn’t require me to have to leash Titan to walk him daily, some days it’s just too hard and being able to stand out here and throw a ball with him handles that obstacle for me.
My days at work during baseball season at the college are long and grueling, and walking a dog around the neighborhood after dark isn’t that appealing to me.
“This must be Titan.”
My head snaps her direction, and I’m met with a playful smile.
“Your brother keeps me up to date on your life, sweetheart. You may be closed off, but he isn’t.”
Shit. I should have known.
“Which is why I’m here.” She moves away from the door, heading for my couch and I feel like I have no choice but to follow. “I’m sick of this, son. I want to be a part of your life, I want to talk everything out, and move on from it and be better. I know we talked at the wedding, but I don’t feel like anything was really resolved.”
I shake my head, because it wasn’t. Our conversation only stirred up old emotions. Getting some of it off my chest did feel good, but that’s a lot of baggage I’ve been carrying around for years.
A five minute conversation during a wedding isn’t going to resolve everything right away.
And I’m not even sure that’s what I want. I don’t know how to not be angry with her.
“Talk to me, Kris. Please,” she begs.
I’m not sure what about it makes me start talking. Maybe it’s the look in her eyes, or the urgency in her body language.
“You fucked me up, Mom. I’ve spent what feels like my entire life, doing the job that was meant to be yours. I’ve missed out on so much in my life because I had to make sure Kaleb was taken care of. I have sat back and watched you and Dad go for each other’s throats multiple times, I watched you turn into a shell of the person, of the mother, that you used to be. I’ve watched Dad prance around different women, stand us up, and practically drop off the Earth at times. And I don’t want any part of that life anymore.” It’s like the word vomit won’t stop, it just keeps coming up, and with it comes all the emotions I buried deep inside me years ago.
Her eyes begin to water, and I look away, my eyes connecting with Titan at the back door so I stand. The nervousness radiating off of my mother as she thinks I’m about to leave the room, end this conversation, and get nowhere in our relationship… but I’m just letting Titan in.
Her shoulders relax when she realizes what I’m doing.
I slide the door open, letting Titan in before I slide it back shut and flick the lock back into place. If I don’t stay in the habit of doing that, every door in this house will be unlocked at all hours of the day and night.
Titan trots across the room, jumps on the couch next to my mom, and collapses beside her. I’m sure her hip is hurting by the brute force of having him fall against her, but she doesn’t seem to care. She smiles down at my dog, running her hand along his side.
“He’s sweet.” She smiles over at me before she turns serious. “I know I’ve screwed up, I told you that much last night, but son, I’m tired of it. I really do want to fix that. I’d be naive to think that we could have a conversation and things become magically perfect overnight. I know I have things to prove, and I know I have a lot of apologies to say to you. And I will. Because I love you so much. You and Kaleb were my only reasons for living when your father walked out on us. The only reasons I’m still on this Earth.” She sucks in a breath and wipes the tear that breaks free, rolling down her cheek. “But son, the only thing I’m focused on right now is making sure that you don’t make the mistake I know you’re about to make.”
I frown at her, what the hell is she talking about?
Is she drunk?
“Are you drunk?” I ask, blinking at her.
“Boy,” she rolls her eyes, “I’m talking about Kameron.”
I start to speak but she holds her hand up silencing me.
“Stop. I can see it all over your face, Kris. You love her. She is the one for you, and you’re using what happened with me and your father because you’re too scared of love to make that commitment. And it’s hurting her, I know it is. And it’s killing you.”
Well, fuck.
“I can tell by the look on your face, that you have already walked away.”
I stare at her.
“And you know who else always walked away instead of handling the things that scared him?”
My stomach bottoms out at the realization. Anger spreads throughout my body before she even says the name.
“Your father.”
“That’s not fucking fair.”
She doesn’t even wince at my outburst. “It’s true. You’ve tried so hard to not be like either of us, to block everyone from your life, and look at you. You turned out like us anyways.” She shakes her head, and I force air into my lungs. “You’re in love with that girl, and you two could have the most amazing life together, but you’re holding back because you think marriage is a fraud.”
“Because it is. Look at you. Look at Dad. Everything is great in the beginning, and then it falls apart. People get hurt, kids get damaged, and then what?” I snap.
“No, not everything falls apart, Kris. Not every marriage is destined for divorce. Not if you communicate, and show each other your love every day. You have to work at marriage, you have to treat it like it’s sacred, and you have to learn to talk to your partner. That’s where your father and I failed.” She wipes a few more tears and I want to scream.
My chest is tight, and I’m hot. I fucking hate shit like this.
“We weren’t always unhappy, and truthfully, we’d still probably be together if we could have just learned to talk through our emotions. But we didn’t. A dish in the sink, or socks by the dirty clothes grew into bigger arguments that never should have happened. All I had to do was tell him I was exhausted from working full time, that I needed his help to put socks in the hamper. And maybe, just maybe,” she pauses for dramatic effect, “he would have understood where I was coming from and maybe our next little argument wouldn’t have been so detrimental.”
I don’t say anything, I just stare at her.
“What I’m trying to say is, our marriage wouldn’t have ended had we learned to communicate and focused on our marriage more. Not every marriage is doomed from the start. I think Kaleb and Ruby will have a wonderful life together, because they talk through things instead of running.” She stares at me, her gaze intensifying. “Not running from something real, Kris. You’re running scared because you don’t want to be hurt. You’re afraid you’ll end up like me and your father, and I’m telling you son, you won’t. Not with Kameron. I saw the love in her eyes just as much as I saw it in yours.”
She stands, Titan cranes his neck, wondering why she’s getting up. She takes the short distance between us, placing her hand on my shoulder.
“I’ll let myself out, but we are going to work through this. I love you more than anything in this life, my boy. And I need to start communicating that better.” She bends, kissing my cheek. “We’ll have dinner next week, and it will be something we work on together. Okay?”
I look up at her, and for the first time in twenty years, I see my mom. The mom I grew up with before all the hatred set in. The mom who wasn’t depressed because my father bailed on us, and buried her with bills and two kids.
“Okay,” I say the word, feeling the weight suddenly lift from my body.
That baggage I had been carrying my entire life, nearly all gone with that simple word.
“I love you.” Her hand tightens on my shoulder. “Now go show Kameron that you love her.”
She walks away, heading for the door, and I sit in silence.
I love her. I’ve always loved her, even when we weren’t together, it’s always been her.
And I’ve got to figure out how to overcome this shit hole that I’ve dug myself into.
I just hope like hell I’m not too late.