Chapter 19
CHAPTER 19
JAMISON
I rise from Chuck’s kitchen table when Lauren enters, praying she doesn’t hit me. “Merry Christmas, Lauren.”
“Merry Christmas, Jamison.” She stands off to the side, more subdued than usual. “Chuck, thanks for having me.”
“You’re always welcome here.” Chuck hugs her. “Make yourself comfortable. Jamison and I have everything taken care of.”
“Thanks.” She steps toward me. We have an awkward hesitation, but then I give her a hug.
“I’m surprised you wanted to spend today with me.” She moves out of my arms.
“No one should be alone today, and you especially.” I pull out a chair for her while trying to keep myself in one piece.
Today is going to be difficult. My insides hollow out just thinking about it.
She sits. “Do you really believe that, or are you just saying that because Chuck can hear you?”
I give myself a second and take a breath, trying not to get triggered. “I believe it. Today’s going to be hard, and I didn’t want you to deal with it on your own.”
“Neither of you should deal with it alone.” Chuck steps toward the patio. “I’m going to go check on the meat. Lauren, I hope you like your turkey smoked because Jamison got me a smoker for Christmas. He wouldn’t let me cook it any other way.”
“I’ve never tried it, but I see it in the deli for lunch meat. It should be fine.” Once Chuck is outside, she gets up and goes to the fridge. “Does he have any soda?”
“He should.” I check the potatoes to see if they’re ready to be mashed. “Are you going to see your parents sometime this week?”
She leans against the counter next to me while twisting off the lid of her soda. “I saw my mom last night. My dad’s running around somewhere in the Virgin Islands. I guess he has a new girlfriend.”
“He’s dating already?” I place the top back on the pot and face her.
“Yeah. Men seem to move on faster. You should know that from your own experience.” She raises her eyebrows.
I hold back from saying anything that could start an argument. When I told Chuck it was okay to invite her, I promised myself I would be better for her.
She knows how to trigger me, so this day is about showing her I can be supportive if she’ll be decent with her words and fists.
“Lauren, let’s not talk about that today.”
“Why? Isn’t that why you had Chuck invite me? So he can convince me to leave you alone so you can move on.”
I purposely relax my stance. “No. I had Chuck invite you so we could support each other. Today was supposed to be Aricin’s first Christmas. I didn’t want you to spend it alone.”
That’s all it takes. Her eyes swell with tears, and she’s in my arms in seconds.
“Thank you for realizing that.” She cries through her words. “I didn’t know it would hurt so much.”
I swallow my pain and hug her tighter. “Me either. Even though I was considering how we would deal with it, I didn’t expect it to feel so raw.”
Her face is pressed into my chest, making her words muffled. “He would’ve been six months old. Can you imagine how cute he would’ve been?”
I picture him. Chubby cheeks and a slobbery, toothless smile, dressed in some type of Christmas onesie. The image is both heart-wrenching and heart-warming.
He was way too small when he was stillborn at twenty-two and a half weeks, so my visual is made up of dreams of what he might have looked like.
I smile through breaking tears. “He would’ve been the best-looking baby in the world.”
“I think so.” She coughs out a cry disguised as a laugh.
We hold each other and let the loss of our son be honored the only way we know how. They hand out resources on how to deal with this kind of thing when you leave the hospital without your child, but neither Lauren nor I have done much to move past it.
For me, it’s been too difficult to even think about. For her, she’s been angry and resentful. Then Dori got pregnant and I thought I was getting a second chance at having a child, only for it to be ripped away.
Those two losses were too hard to face. And they just keep adding up. I’m about to break.
Chuck comes in a few minutes later and joins us in our embrace. It’s a surprise, but it’s more comforting than I would’ve expected.
We break apart, wiping away tears, and settle in for our Christmas dinner.
Our conversation flows relatively well with Chuck’s help. And after dinner, Lauren insists on cleaning up while Chuck and I relax in the other room. It’s unlike her, so I keep waiting for her motive to become clear, convinced she wants something .
Chuck reorganizes the gifts under the tree. There are only a few of them, so I’m not sure why he has the need.
“Any word from Dori?” he asks.
I glance toward the kitchen to make sure Lauren can’t hear. The water’s running and pans bang together, so I’m good to answer.
“No, but I wasn’t expecting her to reach out.”
“Why do you say that?”
“After I realized she’s been staying with Hunter, I gave up hope.”
“How did you find that out?” Chuck tries to push off the floor to stand, so I lend him my hand.
He gets to his feet and we take a seat on the couch. My throat constricts as my chest heats, remembering that night of the ball.
“I ran into them at the Christmas ball and they were together.”
“Let me get this straight. She was out in public on a date with her boss?”
“I’m not sure. Her best friend was with his brother. They all left together, so I’m not sure how it was presented. All I know is she got in his car and refused to talk to me. I called, and she hung up on me.
“When I got home, I went to his floor to speak to her, but he’s got security guards lining the walls. She’s made it clear where she stands, and I don’t stand a chance with Hunter in the picture.”
My chest grows heavy. Even though this is my fuck up, losing Dori is just another loss my soul has to bear. I suck in a stabilizing breath, wishing I could rewind time.
Chuck shifts to get comfortable. “Do you think her love for you will waver since she’s with him?”
“Unfortunately, I do. Right before she found out about Aricin, she told me she still has deep feelings for Hunter. She’s leaning on him to get through this. He’ll do anything to get her back, so she’ll do what she always does and move on with the other guy.”
Chuck looks me over. “Jamison, I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I’m going to give you some advice.”
I raise a brow. “And if I don’t want it right now?”
“You need to hear it anyway. You’re blaming Dori for going off with the ‘other guy’ when all this could’ve been avoided by telling her in the first place. You’ve talked to her about her miscarriages but didn’t tell her about your son. Can you understand how she must feel?”
I want to roll my eyes, but Chuck’s right. This lands on me. I push off the couch and peek into the kitchen. Lauren has her earbuds in and is doing the dishes. I go over to the tree and take the ornament off that has Aricin’s name on it.
I fist it in my hand. “How was I supposed to tell Dori something I can barely face? I can’t even get myself to clean out his room, let alone explain it to someone.”
He glances at the ornament. “You’ll heal in time.”
“I don’t know if I will.” I take another look at it. “He deserves to be remembered.”
“I never said you would forget him. I said you’ll heal.”
Something behind me catches his attention, so I glance back.
Lauren stands in the opening of the room. “How do we do that?”
She ambles in to join us, her eyes glued to Chuck. He rises to his feet and moves over to the tree. He picks up the gift for her from me, hands it to me, and takes the ornament from my hand.
“Start here and go from there. I’ll give you two some time to talk while I whip the cream for the pie.” He brushes by me and leaves the room.
I step to her and guide her to the couch. “Let’s sit over here so you can open this. ”
She narrows her eyes. “You got me a present after all the?—”
“Just sit and open it. I’ll explain it when you do.”
I hope this goes well.
Part of me thinks she might just deck me for getting her pregnant because none of this would be happening if it weren’t for me.
Chuck said he thinks she might be moving on from that stage of grief. He’s talked with her daily since the run-in with Dori, so maybe he’s right.
Lauren takes the gift from me and gets comfortable on the sofa where I sit beside her. She glances at me and then opens it.
“Jami, it’s just like the tattoo on your chest.” She runs her fingers around the edge of the heart-shaped picture frame I carved out of wood as she stares at the image of us peering down at our son. He’s wrapped in a tiny blue blanket and lays in her hands. “For just a moment, he was perfect.”
“He was.” I lean over to steal a peek. “He’ll always be perfect.”
She curls into me and cries. “Why did we lose him? Why, Jamison? Why did he get taken from us?”
She shakes in my arms as I do everything to stop myself from breaking down. This time is for her and I promised myself I’d let her mourn with my help as long as she’s not being abusive.
“I don’t know, Lauren. I just don’t know.”
We sit for a good five minutes while she lets her tears fall. She asks questions I have no answer to, but for once, she doesn’t hit me for it.
She stays balled up in my arms, letting me console her. I think her anger has finally moved on and overwhelming sadness now stands in its place.
“I always pictured him to be smart like me and a social butterfly like you.” The words have a hard time coming out of my mouth.
“Don’t forget built like you. I’m too small to have our boy take after me.” She peels herself away from me.
My shirt is wet from her tears, making my skin cold when her warm body disappears from my arms. It doesn’t matter, though, because this is what she needs.
She forces a smile and stares back at the photo. “But he’s tiny here, so maybe he would’ve been small.”
I turn the frame so I can see the image better. “Nah, he was bigger than he should’ve been, so I think you’re right.”
“We can assume he would’ve been all those things. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be able to picture him that way.” She sucks in a breath to catch her cry.
“Then that’s what I think we should do. When we think of him, we’ll see him strong, smart, outgoing, and all our good qualities, wrapped up into our perfect son.”
She nods, and we share a moment of silence before she speaks again.
“I’m thinking about going back to school.” She shifts to face me. “I want to be a designer.”
I release the picture frame. “You did great with Aricin’s room, so you might be onto something.”
“Thanks.” Her eyes cast down. “If I do, I’ll be moving out of state.”
I pull back in shock. “Where?”
She raises her gaze. “There’s a great school in St. Louis I’m looking into. It’s too late to get in for this semester, but I could take some online courses to prepare for it.”
“St. Louis is pretty far away. Are you sure you want to pack up and leave all your friends and family?”
“I want a fresh start, so yeah, I think I’m up for it.” She places the picture back in the box and moves it to the side. Then she takes my hand. “It’s hard for me knowing you’re here and everything we were building is gone. ”
My chest tightens because this is another topic that usually sets her off. “Lauren, I’m sorry our relationship didn’t work out. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t see how we can go back. Too much has happened.”
“I know. That’s not what I’m saying.” She takes a cleansing breath. “My mom approached me after you dropped me off at her place the night I lost it on you and your friend. She thinks I have postpartum depression.”
I nod as I move my arm to the top of the couch, giving Lauren my full attention. “That would make sense.”
“It would, but I believe it’s deeper than that.”
“What do you mean?”
She gazes into my eyes. “After I got pregnant, I felt off. I would rage one day and be flying high the next. I didn’t know how to stop it. People kept telling me mood swings were normal.
“I’d never hit anyone before then, so I thought it was that. It was confusing and scary for me. It sometimes still feels like I’m not the one doing it.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling that way? I would’ve gotten you help.”
She shakes her head. “I couldn’t see through it. It’s hard to explain. Anyway, that’s not my point. The point is my mom wants me to get help. I’m going to do it because I still don’t feel like me. Even sitting here, I don’t feel all the way myself.”
I sit and wait for her to speak. This isn’t what I expected and I’m lost on how to deal with her realizations. They make sense, though, so she may have the answers she’s been looking for.
Tears stream down her face, but they’re different from earlier. She’s more stable.
“I’m always going to love you, Jamison. The life we were going to share and our son—I’m always going to love. My heart still breaks every day, but I don’t feel like killing you anymore.” She laughs through another cry. “Today’s a good day and I want to end on this note.”
“Okay. We can end the day here.” I squeeze her hand and release it, pushing myself up off the couch.
She grabs my forearm. “One more thing before we go have some pie. Well, actually two, so will you sit back down?”
“Sure.” I sit and give her my attention.
She stares at her hands. After a moment, she slides my mom’s ring off her finger and holds it out for me. “I don’t want to do this, but I’m feeling nice today. Here, take this back.”
A wave of relief floods my veins as I take the ring. “Thank you. Like I said, I’ll get you one to replace this, but it won’t have the same meaning.”
“I know, and that’s why I don’t want another one. You’re lucky it’s Christmas.” She forces a smile that doesn’t line up with her sad mood. “But there’s one last thing I want from you.”
I brace myself because I knew this was going too well. “What’s that?”
“When we leave here tonight, do you mind if I come by and get some of Aricin’s things?”
My first instinct is to say no. I don’t want to give anything of his away. Somehow, that’s like I’m saying I’m moving on. My heart collapses. I glance at the ring in my hand and my decision is made.
I swallow my selfishness. “Sure, that will be fine. But I’d like to be with you when you do, so I know what you’re taking.”
“Of course, but the only thing I really want is the blanket your friend had. Maybe a few of the stuffed animals, but I’ll decide when I’m there.”
“Yeah, that should be fine.” I stand and adjust my clothes, trying to ignore the agony that fills my soul. “Let’s go eat some pie. ”
We find Chuck and spend the rest of our time discussing our plans for the future. With Lauren moving and getting the help she needs, I have a good feeling she’ll be okay.
As for me, I’m a feather in the wind. Disconnected from anything solid and floating aimlessly around.
I don’t know if I’ll stay here after the app launches. Starting fresh sounds like a nice plan.
Everything depends on what happens with Dori when she finally opens the lines of communication. But luck has never been on our side, so I don’t have much hope.
Lauren and I say goodbye to Chuck and return to my apartment complex. We’re waiting for the elevator and preparing for a tough time going through our son’s belongings. Lauren snuggles into my chest and cries, so I hold her in my arms and kiss the top of her head.
Melanie and Jonah round the corner, hand in hand, just as it takes place. I freeze and wait for Dori and Hunter, but Melanie interrupts my wish of running into Dori.
“Well, well, well. I see you’re having a Merry Christmas.” Melanie drops Jonah’s hand and folds her arms.
She raises her brows, and her gaze falls to my chest. It hits me, Lauren’s still clinging to me, and I’ve got my arms wrapped around her. This is the worst thing that could’ve happened.
There’s no chance that Melanie won’t tell Dori about this. And because of that, any hope of salvaging my relationship with Dori just went straight to hell.