27. Kiley
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
KILEY
Ileave Jax’s condo feeling so confused that I need to vent, and the only person who will give me sound advice is Audrey. As soon as I get into my car and head towards my parents’ house, I call her and tell her everything, starting from our intimate evening together to what just transpired.
“Hmm, interesting,” is what she responds with after I finish with my verbal diarrhea.
“Interesting? What the heck does that mean?”
“I understand you’re frustrated with him and this might be the last thing you want to hear in your current state of irritation, but it’s kind of sweet that he was checking on your feelings after having sex.”
“Fuck him being sweet.”
Audrey snorts and starts to hysterically laugh. I smile when I hear it. I was not trying to be funny. Him being so sweet just adds to my turmoil of trying to understand the lines that are being crossed in this relationship.
She finally calms down and takes some deep breaths. “You don’t curse often, but when you do, the comedic timing of it is spot on.”
“Glad I can entertain you, but can we get back to analyzing why he had me come over to ask how I’m feeling?”
“Okay, let’s get our investigative caps on since you think there are ulterior motives behind it.”
“It just makes no sense to me why he’s asking this a week later.”
“Did you guys talk when he was in Canada?” she asks.
“Yeah, he called me every night, and never once did the subject come up.”
“Did you talk while he was in Las Vegas?”
“We did, but only via text since he was around the guys most of the time and was out late.”
“I know you confronted him about hooking up with other women in Las Vegas, but do you believe him when he said he didn’t?”
I swallow and am trusting my gut on this one, praying it’s not steering me wrong.
“I believe him. I really do trust Jax. I don’t think he would’ve cheated.
” I roll my eyes at myself and bark out a sarcastic laugh.
“Not that it’s even cheating. He’s not my boyfriend.
He technically can hook up with anyone he wants, even though we agreed to not be intimate with other people. ”
“Kiley,” she warns. “Do you have feelings for him now that you’ve had sex?”
I sigh. “Let’s be honest. I caught feelings way before his penis was inside me.”
She chuckles. “About time you finally admitted it.”
“We’re not talking about me and my stupid feelings,” I tell her, changing the subject because I don’t want to talk about me right now.
“I don’t know, Ki. I can only come up with two conclusions. One, he really was just being sweet and wanted to give you some time to see if you wanted to continue on when he returned home. Or two, he’s developed feelings but is too scared to admit it and wanted to see where you stood on things.”
“What do you think he would’ve done if I told him I had developed stronger feelings for him?”
“My guess? He would’ve either admitted he had as well or ended the physical arrangement.”
“But I gave him the opportunity to end it, and he didn’t take it, nor did he admit to having feelings for me.”
“As I said earlier, it could just be that he was being thoughtful and concerned.”
“Well, he can stop that,” I mutter.
“It’s better than the alternative.”
“Is it though? Maybe him being a complete douche would be better and make me want to end our arrangement.”
“Do you want to end it?”
“Absolutely not. I’m not ready to give up the best sex I’ve ever had in my life.”
“Oh, Ki…” I hear the pity in her voice, and tears spring to my eyes.
“Listen, none of this is his fault. He warned me. He told me he could offer me nothing more than sex. I think he just sends mixed signals sometimes with his actions, or I read into every nice thing he does.”
“Yeah, what he did for you on Saturday night sounded like a date,” she agrees. “He’s always making sure you and Zander are happy.”
“I think that’s just him. He’s just a nice, respectful guy,” I sigh. “That’s what makes all of this even harder. Why can’t he be an asshole?” I whine.
“You know, the more we’re talking about this, the more I think he’s falling for you, and it freaks him out so much that he refuses to admit it.”
“Well, I’m not going to be the one to admit it,” I say stubbornly. “I’ll go to the grave with my secret… unless he says something first.”
“What if he does admit it? What then? Doesn’t he plan on going back to Canada when his contract is up?”
“That’s his goal or sign with a team closer to Kelowna,” I confirm.
“Right, so if he tells you he’s fallen in love with you and wants to be together, what would you do?”
“I don’t know what I would do,” I admit because I haven’t thought about what my life would look like if he wanted to go public and be my boyfriend. “I do believe if you really love someone, you make things work, so either do long distance or move to wherever he is.”
“Would you really leave Chicago?” She asks in shock. “Your whole family is here, your job, your friends.”
I shrug even though she can’t see it. “If I felt I couldn’t live my life without him, then yes. Look at my dad. He gave up everything for my mother. Sure, he missed his family back in Ireland, but he built a new life here.”
“Wow…” she says in disbelief.
“When you meet that special someone, you have to compromise. So yeah, I would totally move Zander and I to wherever Jax was if I knew he was one hundred percent committed to me. But listen, this is all hypothetical.” I don’t want to get ahead of myself and think about decisions that may never need to be made.
“What if this really is just sex for him?”
“That’s a possibility,” Audrey agrees.
“Absolutely, it is. This isn’t the first time he’s had friends with benefits. I’m not special compared to the other girls.”
“That’s not true. You’re an amazing human. You’re loyal, smart, gorgeous and you’re an incredible mother. Don’t sell yourself short.”
Her kind words threaten to make my eyes leak. “You have to say those things, you’re my best friend, but thank you regardless.”
“I’m not just saying this, Kiley. You’re incredible and I think you’re Supermom. I don’t know how you handle all that you take on and do it without a partner. I would die without Luke.”
“Audrey, I can’t cry right now, so stop with your sweet nothings. I’m pulling into my parents’ driveway to get Zander, and my dad will be able to tell right away if I’ve been crying. Gotta keep it together because Papa O’Shea does not need to know what’s happening.”
“Do you think he suspects something?”
“Yes, I do.” I park the car, inhale deeply and let out a ragged breath. “Alright, I’m here. How much do I owe you for the therapy session?”
She laughs. “You can’t afford me,” she teases. “Seriously, Ki, I want you to remember you’re the one in control. If you want to stop being physical with him, then do it. Sure, it might be the best sex of your life, but if you know it’s going to break you when it’s all said and done, then stop now.”
“Even if we did stop, it’s not going to change my feelings for him. We’re beyond that point, but you know what? I think I rather have the heartbreak with the incredible memories it came with than to not have them at all.
She sighs. “Men suck.”
I laugh. “Yes, they do, but it’s okay. When he finally kicks me to the curb and I go back to my spinster life, I can look back when I’m old and alone and say my claim to fame was having the hottest sex with a famous, hot hockey player.”
“You’re not going to be alone. We just need to find the right man for you that has a more stable job and isn’t so messed up from past relationships.”
“From your mouth to God’s ears, please.”
“I love you big, lady.”
“Right back at you.” I thank her again for listening, and we finally hang up.
I pull down my visor and check my appearance in the mirror. I managed to not shed any tears, so my father should not be suspicious that anything is wrong.
“Pull yourself together, Kiley,” I mutter to myself.
I decide at this moment I need to toughen up and develop an indifference switch when I’m around Jax. When we’re together and having sex, he’ll get all of me physically, but I’ve got to guard what’s left of my heart before I let myself fall irrevocably in love with him.