Chapter 29
JAMISON
The door to my office bangs open. Dori steps in with a wild look of shock and betrayal seeping into her eyes.
I shrink into myself.
Shit.
I didn’t want her to find me like this.
Ever.
“Would you care to explain what’s going on?” Her tempered gaze slides from me to the woman standing in my office.
What Dori’s witnessing has got to be killing her. Her pained expression screams at me for being so stupid.
My insides wrench. I didn’t think Dori would come here, so I figured this would be the perfect place to meet this beautiful girl in my arms.
“Um… Dori, this is Avery.” I take another longing peek at the girl I’m holding. I raise my arm to give Dori a better look, knowing I can’t hide what I’m feeling right now. “Isn’t she perfect?”
Dori glances around and sees Danny, my new chief of operations, standing next to his wife, Tera. She’s staring at Dori like she doesn’t know what to do .
My heart aches. Dori seeing a newborn in my arms has to be gut-wrenching. I never meant to hurt her this way.
Trying to soften the blow, I lift the baby to give her back to her mother. Tera reaches for her, but Dori interjects.
“Can I hold her?” She reaches out her arms as she ambles into the room.
Tera nods at me to give Avery to Dori. “Of course. Jamison has been fussing over her long enough.”
I hand Avery over to Dori, studying her reaction.
Please don’t let her break.
She cradles the baby, and tears fall. “She’s absolutely flawless.”
I relax at the softness in her tone. I thought she may run out of here after seeing me staring adoringly at the beautiful creation Tera and Danny made.
Dori rocks from side to side, not taking her eyes off of Avery. I glance at her parents. They’re locked in a side hug, smiling proudly at their daughter.
Dori’s voice changes to a warm, motherly tone. “Why didn’t they tell me you were going to be here today? Huh? Don’t they know I’d want to meet you?”
Tera quietly laughs. “Jamison didn’t tell me you were so taken by babies.”
Dori pauses for a second, then forces her gaze off of Avery, and peers over at Tera. “That’s because we lost one of our own. It’s been…hard on us. I’m sure he was just trying to protect my feelings.”
My head explodes with Dori’s honesty.
Here I haven’t been talking to her about how I’m feeling, how I’m dreaming of having babies of our own because I was afraid of how she would take it. And she bravely shares one of the most painful experiences she’s had to face with people she’s met only once before this.
She’s the strongest woman I know. Pride for her erupts and flows through my veins like a volcano. Powerful, forceful, but gracefully spilling the contents of its insides out for the world to witness the beauty it encompasses.
Just as Dori did when she spoke her truth without running or hiding from the pain of it all. She continually makes me fall more in love with her with every second that passes.
At the same time, I can’t help the disappointment I have for myself for not recognizing her strength. I need to do better for her.
Tera places her hand over her heart. “I’m sorry to hear that. Danny and I have lost three pregnancies, so I honor how you must be feeling right now.”
Dori peeks down at Avery. “So this perfect, sweet girl is your…”
“She’s our miracle baby.” Tera leans into Danny.
He hugs her and looks on with a gleam in his eye that only a father can have.
I join Dori at her side and run my palm across her back. “They did a good job with this little one. Wouldn’t you agree?”
She glances at me and nods, quickly taking her gaze back to Avery. “You’re an angel. A true angel in human form.”
A lump of a hundred raw emotions forms in my throat, ranging from adoration to grief over our loss. I’m well aware Dori would be around eight or nine months pregnant right now if she didn’t miscarry. That thought is enough to make my eyes sting.
As if Avery can sense my building emotions, she squirms and starts to fuss. Dori bounces her a few times to calm her, but she cries louder.
Tera approaches Dori and gently takes her daughter in her arms. “She’s probably getting hungry.”
Danny grabs the diaper bag off the floor. “Or she needs to be changed.”
“Either way, we should get going. We’re a few minutes from home, and I don’t want to deal with a meltdown here.” Tera pats Avery on the back, trying to calm her down.
Danny lifts the child seat. “Here. Let me help.”
“No, I’ve got it.” Tera waits for him to put the carrier down then gets the baby strapped in. “There you go, honey. We’ll be home soon.”
The baby’s still fussing, so they rush to leave.
Dori stops Tera on the way out. “If you ever need help with anything, please call.”
“Thank you. I just might take you up on the offer.” Tera smiles warmly at her.
We say goodbye as I try to decipher what’s running through Dori’s head. I can’t read her, which hasn’t been good for me in the past. I’ve misread how she felt and made her feel like I didn’t care, so I’m at a loss right now.
She stares down the hallway as they leave.
I slide up behind her and run my hands up and down her arms. “Dori, I’m sorry you had to walk in on that.”
She turns to face me. “Why would you be sorry?”
I step beside her and close the door. “Walking in here and seeing me holding a newborn couldn’t have been easy. I’m aware of the timing of it all. It’s a little too close to home.”
“The timing…?”
The second my words register, her face pales, and she lowers her head. I reach out for her, but she flinches.
“Dori, let me be here for you.”
Her gaze darts around my face. “You must think I’m a terrible person.”
“Why would I think that?”
“I didn’t make that correlation. What does that say about me?”
I soften my tone. “Nothing. You just haven’t thought about your miscarriage.”
“But you did. It’s right there in the front of your mind.” She backs away from me as if she’s about to run for her life .
I stay where I am so she won’t flee. “I only thought about it because I knew they were bringing their baby in to show her off. There’s nothing about today that makes you a bad person.”
“How can you say that? It was your child, and I forgot. That can’t feel good to know.” She fakes a sorrow-filled laugh. “If you did this to me, I don’t think I’d forgive you.”
“Dori, it’s not like that. And I don’t think anything negative about today. If anything, I want to help you through this.”
“Why? It’s not like I’ve put your feelings first.”
“My feelings aren’t?—”
“They count just as much as mine.” She raises her eyebrows to challenge me.
“Okay, they matter, but that’s not the issue right now.”
“Right, because you always put me first. Today must have brought up painful emotions for you too, but you’re just going to skirt right over those.”
“Dori…”
She shakes her head to stop me from saying anything. We stare at each other in silence. Only the hum of the air conditioner fills the space.
I tilt my head and take down my defenses. “How can I make this better for you?”
“You can’t.” Her eyes well with tears.
Before I have a chance to respond, she spins, whips the door open, and disappears from my sight.
My heart breaks. I knew her seeing a baby would stir up a reaction in her, but pushing me away is the last thing that will help. She needs me.
I grab my keys off my desk and chase her down. When I reach her, she’s climbing into her car, shaking, with tears streaming down her cheeks.
I place my hand on the top of her car door so she can’t shut it and drive away. She hangs her head, so I crouch to find her gaze.
“Don’t run from this, Dori. You know it doesn’t work when you do. This issue is not going away, and being alone won’t help. We’re partners, so let me be here for you.”
“I know. I don’t want to run away from you, but how can you look at me?” She wipes tears away with her fingertips. “Jami, how could I forget?”
I take her chin in my grip and ease her head so we’re eye to eye. “Do you really think you forgot about what happened?”
“I did. Not once while I was holding her did I think about it.”
“So you’re telling me you haven’t thought about your loss once? All these months have passed, and you haven’t thought about it at all?”
“No. It’s always in the back of my mind.”
At this moment, I remember something. “You told Tera about your loss while you were cradling Avery, so you did think about it.”
“But I forgot that I would be getting ready to have our baby right about now. I didn’t think about that until you mentioned the timing of it all.”
I cup her cheek in my palm. “You didn’t think about it when you saw Avery because you were enthralled with her. There’s nothing more to it than that.”
Dori considers that for a moment then peeks up at me. “She’s perfect. Isn’t she?”
“Yeah, she is.” I lean in and kiss Dori’s pouty lips.
She lingers for a second and then sighs. “Thanks, babe. I’ll let you get back to work.”
“Nope. What you’re going to do is let me drive you home and take care of you. Work will be here in the morning, and you need me now. ”
“Why don’t you meet me at home? That way, we’re not leaving a car here.”
“Are you okay to drive?”
“Yeah. I already feel better.” She smiles at me. “I’m truly fine.”
I nod and stand. “Okay, I’m right behind you. I’m going to grab the rest of my stuff, and I’ll leave right after that.”
“I’ll be expecting you soon.” She reaches for the door.
I step aside and close it for her. This unfortunate incident caused Dori undue pain, and that has shredded my insides.
Somehow, I fuck things up with her no matter what I do. I turn and amble away as she drives out of the parking lot.
How can I make her feel better?
Ideas swirl in my head as I gather my belongings and leave for the day. Nothing sufficient comes to mind. Maybe all she needs is for me to listen and hold her. Sometimes that kind of support is better than trying to fix it.
Once I’m home, I find her standing on our balcony, staring out at the waves breaking as they roll in. The gentle breeze blows strands of her hair around. Her arms are wrapped around her waist like she’s hugging herself.
I step out and join her by her side. “What are you thinking about?”
“How much my life has changed in a year.” Her melancholy tone makes my chest squeeze. “I never thought I’d be where I am today.”
“You’ve gone through a lot. I can only imagine how that feels for you.”
“You can’t because I don’t even know how to put it into words.”
I hold on to the railing to brace myself for what comes next. She’s still dealing with a lot.
She’s still working on her trauma around her abduction, she can’t find a job, she and Aiden aren’t in the best place, and I made her pick up her life and move to a city where she knows only a handful of people.
I force down my selfish desire and ask her a question. Her answer has the ability to break me in half.
I rake my teeth over my bottom lip. “Do you want to go back?”
She twists to me. “No. Not at all. Why would you ask me that?”
“Your life changed because of me. If I can’t make you happy?—”
“Don’t you dare say it. You make me happier than I’ve ever been. If I seem low, it’s only because I want to give you everything you deserve, and I feel like I’m letting you down.”
“Sweetness, you’re doing no such thing. I’ve never been happier in my life.”
“Is that the truth?”
“Yes. Living with you and being here is a dream come true.”
“There’s nothing you would change?”
What is she getting at?
I shake my head. “Nothing that comes to mind.”
She tilts her head and studies me. “If there was anything I could give you that would make you feel even better than you do, would you tell me?”
“Of course I would. You know that.”
“No, I don’t. Just like my old pattern showed up earlier where I wanted to run and hide, you have patterns you’re still doing.”
What are these patterns of mine?
I turn my head, trying to figure out what she’s getting at.
“You’re doing it right now, Jami.”
I raise my brows as I look her way and hold my hands out, at a loss. “What am I doing? I don’t know what you’re talking about. ”
“You’re looking for an escape route out of this conversation.” She points to the opening of our place.
“I am not. I only looked over there to give myself a minute to figure out what you meant.”
She runs a suspicious eye over me. “That might be true, but you’re still using other patterns to protect yourself.”
I have no idea what she’s talking about, so we stare at each other for a moment. I give up trying to figure it out and break the silence.
“Dori, why don’t you help me out because I’m not following. Just say what you mean.”
“You’re keeping things from me.” She pokes her finger into my chest. “You promised me you would communicate with me about everything.”
“I have. I do.” Reaching up, I grab her wrist so her finger isn’t digging into me. “If I’m missing something, I need you to tell me because I’m confused.”
“I’m talking about how you want a baby. Why haven’t you talked to me about how you feel?”
Yeah. She’s got me there.
I release her arm, and my shoulders fall. “Because I’m terrified if I do, you’ll tell me something I don’t want to hear.”