31. Emma
EMMA
The pile of essays sat ominously in the corner of my desk, as if daring me to tackle them.
I had in fact already battled through seven that morning, my red pen bleeding all over the margins like it was trying out for a crime scene.
But the one in front of me… God help me.
I rubbed my temples, while staring at the page as if it might suddenly make sense.
“Why are you hiding in here?”
I looked up. Simon stood in the doorway with his tie loose and disbelief on his face.
“Marking,” I said, waving at the carnage on my desk. “And this one is a disaster. The ideas are fine, but the sentences… Simon. They’re a mess. At first I thought that maybe English wasn’t his first language, but no, it is. And it’s appalling. I feel like I’ve aged five years since this morning.”
He walked in and looked down at the essay as if it might bite him. “Wow. You’ve managed to combine teaching with self-punishment. That’s a rare talent.”
I leaned back and snorted. “I keep telling myself I’m shaping the next generation of literature. And then I read this.”
“Well,” Simon said as he sat down in the chair across from me, “not everyone’s destined to be Woolf or Atwood. Some will always just be… Kevin from second year.”
That made me laugh, which helped my shoulders relax. He always knew how to cut through my irritation.
“I know I should be less harsh,” I said, fiddling with my pen, “but this one’s brutal. Every sentence feels like it’s out to get me.”
“Pour yourself a large gin when you’re done. Or better yet, make Finn read it out loud in his hockey voice. It might even sound exciting then.”
The mention of Max’s nickname stirred something inside me, and before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “I had my first date with him.”
Simon’s eyebrows shot up. “And?”
“It was… wonderful,” I admitted, letting out a sigh as if the word itself was too heavy. “Dinner, then the aquarium. It was fun and romantic. I haven’t felt like that in a long time.”
Simon tilted his head and said, “And yet, you’re looking at me like you just confessed to a felony.”
“Because if I let this go any further, I could end up breaking his heart. But I also want to see if it could be something real. But then… what happens when I leave?”
“When you leave or if you leave?”
The distinction hit me harder than I expected. “I don’t know.”
He leaned back, crossing his arms. “Emma, you act like every city is just a stopover. But it doesn’t have to be that way forever. You get to choose when it’s ‘if,’ not ‘when.’”
“My whole rhythm is built on starting over.”
“And is it working for you?” he asked gently.
I chuckled a little. “Not all the time.”
He let the silence hang in the air. “You know, Max looks at you like the rest of us aren’t even in the room. Have you noticed?”
I blinked, caught off guard. “He does not.”
“Oh, he does,” Simon’s smile was sly but kind. “When you’re talking, he’s not just listening. He’s… tuned in. Like the whole world could fall apart and he’d still be there, locked on you. Emma, it’s not casual. Not for him.”
“Simon…”
“I’m not saying that to scare you,” he added quickly. “I’m saying it because it’s rare. Most people never have someone see them like that – really see them. And he already does.”
My throat tightened. “If I move, it will ruin him.”
“Or,” Simon said in a calm and sure voice, “you’ll be honest, and he’ll know what he’s choosing. You don’t have to protect him from something that hasn’t happened yet. You just need to tell him the truth.”
I took a deep breath. “And what if the truth is that I really want this, but I’m terrified?”
He put his hand on top of mine across the desk. “Then tell him that too. Trust me, he’d rather have your fear than your silence.”
I nodded, small but certain. “Thank you.”
Simon smiled and squeezed my hand once. “Always. Now, shall we return to Kevin’s magnum opus?”
I groaned. “Don’t remind me.”
“Balance, darling,” he teased, standing up. “It’s the universe’s way of keeping you grounded after a first-date glow.”
I threw my pen at him. He ducked and laughed, and despite myself, I laughed too.
* * *
When Max found me, the arena still smelled a little bit like popcorn and disappointment. They had lost, but the second he saw me, his smile said he couldn’t care less.
“Hey, baby,” he said, pulling me into his arms.
“Hey yourself,” I teased, my voice muffled against his chest. He was still damp from the shower, his hair messy. He looked exhausted but handsome.
“You up for a drink?” he asked, as he laced his fingers with mine. “After that game, I could use something stronger than water.”
I nodded. “Yes. One drink.”
* * *
The bar was warm and loud, filled with the chatter of voices and the clinking of pint glasses.
A bunch of Max’s teammates were crowded around the pool table, being loud enough to drown out the music.
One of them caught Max’s eye and gave him a chin lift, but Max just raised his glass back in salute and didn’t move an inch from our booth.
We had squeezed into a corner seat, half in the dark, which was the perfect place to feel a bit more secluded.
Max’s thigh was firmly pressed against mine under the table, and his arm was draped over the back of the booth like he was claiming it.
He had that easy, carefree smile that made my stomach flutter in ways I hated to admit.
I fiddled with the straw in my gin and tonic, taking a sip that lasted a little too long.
Finally I said, “I was talking to Simon earlier.”
Max turned his head to me, his eyes warm and focused. “Yeah?”
“I told him that I want to see where this goes. With us.”
That stupidly handsome boyish grin of his grew wider, and for a second I almost stopped there. But that wouldn’t be fair to him. So I kept going. “But I also told him that I might leave. Eventually. And the last thing I want to do is break your heart.”
His smile went away like I had turned off a light, but he didn’t look away. He never did.
“I know,” he said quietly. His hand tightened into a fist on the table for half a beat before he reached for me. “I’ve always known. But, Em?” His voice got rougher, as if he had to drag the words out of him. “I’m not stopping.”
“Max…”
He leaned in and crossed the small space between us at the table, wrapping his big hand around mine. His thumb slowly brushed over my knuckles.
“You don’t have to protect me from this,” he said. “From us. I’m all in. But if you… if you do leave, I need you to tell me. Don’t just disappear on me.”
I looked at him – really looked – at those serious eyes, that reckless determination, and nodded. “Just be careful with your feelings, okay? Promise me that much.”
His lips twitched, but it wasn’t a smile; it was more like affection laced with defiance. “You know I won’t.”
Max gave my hand a quick squeeze and then slid out of the booth to pay at the bar. His shoulders were broad under his jacket, and when the barman clapped him on the back and said, “Hell of a game anyway, mate,” Max tilted his head back easily. He just smiled and said thanks.
We were silent for a moment when he sat down again, brushing his thumb over my hand, absent-mindedly.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said, and I meant it. “You?”
“More than okay.” His fingers moved slowly across my skin in a pattern that wasn’t entirely coincidental. I could feel it all the way up my arm. When he looked at me, the dim light from the bar caught the curve of his mouth, and it was absurd how simple it was to forget what we had just discussed.
I whispered, “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?” Even though his voice was quiet, there was something in it that caused my heart to race.
“Like you already know what you’re doing.”
He gave a faint smile. “Maybe I do.” He pulled back first, but his hand stayed in mine as we stood up to leave.
The air outside was so chilly that it hurt my ears, so I pulled down my woollen hat a little lower. Cars hissed over wet pavement, a taxi honked, and someone laughed too loudly further up as the city went on around us. Max took my hand again on the sidewalk, and our fingers fit together perfectly.
He hit my shoulder with his. “You know what I’ve been thinking about?”
“Oh God, do I really want to know?”
He smiled wickedly. “That thing you said about your biggest turn-on.”
I pretended to be thinking. “I’ve said a lot.”
He squeezed my hand. “About being pinned against a wall.”
“Why? Do you want to give it a try?”
He stopped in his tracks, his eyes locking onto mine with a mix of surprise and challenge, as if daring me to follow through on my suggestion. “Do I– Em.”
But I was already pulling him off the main road, past a closed flower shop and down a narrow side street where the lights above a back door washed the pavement in a soft haze. The alley was quiet and sheltered from the wind, and I leaned back against a brick wall.
Max laughed, incredulous. “You’re going to be the end of me.”
“Promises, promises,” I said, my breath fogging up in the cold.
He stepped in so close that I could feel his breath on my cheek. His hands were around my waist. “Last chance to back out.”
“Don’t be daft.” I slid my hands up his chest and added, “Pin me, Max.”
Something in his face went hungry. He took off his gloves and put one hand on my hip, the other braced against the wall next to my head.
Of course, his mouth went to my throat first – open, warm, and maddening.
He pulled down my scarf a bit and found the spot just below my ear and stayed there, his teeth lightly grazing it.
What came out of my mouth wasn’t fit for public consumption.
He whispered against my skin, “Sounded a lot like a yes.” The words made my whole body vibrate.
I pulled him up by his collar and kissed him, no patience for teasing. He responded with the same ferocity – tongue slick and kiss so deep that it took my breath away and made me want more.
He broke away a little bit. “We’re in public.”
“Don’t back out on me now.”