Chapter 12
This situation would be a lot easier if Nolan was a jerk.
Terri
I pace my living room as I wait for Nolan to arrive. This is a bad idea. There’s nothing to discuss.
So, I’m having his baby. Big whoop. He doesn’t have to be involved. My biological dad was never involved in my life. I don’t even know who he is. Mom never told me. She refused to discuss it. And she’s not around now to answer questions.
It would be safer if he wasn’t involved. Getting involved leads to emotions, which could lead to depression and falling apart. Giving up completely. No, thanks.
Besides, Nolan has his career. The Seals are determined to win the Super Bowl this season. I’m not standing in their way. In his way.
Especially not with his shoulder. Who knows how many more seasons he can play? If this is his last season, he needs to concentrate on the game. Not on me and the little mermaid or pirate I’m carrying.
A girl. I’d love a little girl. A girl to teach how to swim. A girl I could raise to be a strong woman.
But a boy wouldn’t be bad either. A little boy who resembles Nolan. He’d break all the hearts at school.
What am I thinking? I shouldn’t be having a child at all. What if it goes wrong? What if I lose the baby the way Mom did?
My heart races and my palms begin to sweat. I can’t do it. I can’t go through what Mom did. What if I end up the way she did? Broken and inconsolable. Unwilling to continue a life without my baby.
I place a hand on my stomach as if I can protect the little mermaid.
The doorbell sounds and I gulp. Nolan’s here. My stomach dips, and my pulse hastens. I can’t control my body when the quarterback’s around. Another reason to not get involved.
I inhale a deep breath and order my body to knock it off before walking to the door and opening it.
Nolan smiles. “Hi, sweetheart.” He kisses my cheek before making his way into the house.
“I brought dinner from Wok the Plank. Don’t worry. I checked it’s okay for pregnant women before I ordered. I got you broccoli and beef, but if you don’t want it, I have other selections.”
“You didn’t need to bring dinner.”
“Someone has to take care of you.”
I bristle. “I can take care of myself.”
He lifts an eyebrow. “You were working until ten last night.”
“Working hard doesn’t mean I’m not taking care of myself,” I say, but I’m not certain. Maybe I should work less. Maybe I should cut down on my hours. Maybe working too hard is dangerous for the baby.
“I know but I also know how tiring the first trimester can be.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “You know, do you? Knocked up a lot of women, have you?”
“Nope. But I remember when my mom was pregnant with Ruth. She was tired all the time.”
“Do you have a big family?”
He jiggles the bags of food. “I’ll tell you all about them while we eat.” His stomach growls. “Sorry, I’m hungry.”
“Wouldn’t want you to starve,” I mutter as I motion to the dining area.
While he empties the bags on the table, I make my way to the kitchen for plates and silverware. Nolan nudges me out of the way.
“I’ve got it. Go sit down. Rest your feet.”
I purse my lips. “I’m not an invalid.”
He kisses my nose. “Nope. You’re carrying my baby, and I want to spoil you.”
My body warms at his words and attentiveness. It doesn’t mean anything, I remind myself. It doesn’t mean he’ll stay. It doesn’t mean he won’t disappear when the season starts.
“But you don’t know where anything is.”
“Good thing my eyes still work.” He herds me toward the table.
“Fine. I give up.”
He doesn’t have any issues finding the plates and silverware. He sets them on the table before returning to the kitchen for two glasses of water.
“I have three brothers and one sister,” he says once we’re digging into our food.
“Big family.”
“I’m the oldest. Adam is next. Then, Hugo and Isaac. And, finally, Ruth. The baby girl.”
“I’m not surprised you’re the oldest.”
He grins. “Because I’m a natural born leader?”
“Because you’re bossy.”
He barks out a laugh. “That too. How about you? Any siblings?”
“I have two brothers and a sister.”
“Do they live on the island?”
“Nope. I’m the only one left.”
“Ever think of leaving?”
“I’m not leaving as long as Dad is alive. No matter what he thinks. He needs my help. Besides, this is my home.”
The only place I’ve ever felt is home. Even before when Mom was alive, we never lived in one place very long. Never created a home.
“Fair enough.”
This is it. I couldn’t ask for a better segway. “Which means you won’t be around for the baby. I’m not complaining. I’m fine with it. You can send child support. You don’t need to rearrange your whole life for us.”
He scowls and a muscle in his jaw ticks. “I will be involved in this child’s life.”
I appreciate his words, but he’s not being realistic.
“How will that work? You live in Steel City. I live here. You travel to games during the season. I can’t travel around. I have a job.”
“You could give up your job. I earn enough money for all of us.”
My nostrils flare. “I am not giving up my job.”
I know better than to rearrange my life for a man. Mom was always changing her life for a man. And yet no man ever stayed. Nolan won’t stay either. His life isn’t here on Smuggler’s Hideaway.
He raises his hands in the air. “I was merely putting it out there.”
“Yeah, well. Put it back wherever it came from. I’m not quitting a job I’ve worked my mermaid tail off for.”
He taps his fork on his plate. “I won’t ask you to quit your job again. I guess I can stay here during the off-season.”
“Here?” I motion to the house.
I don’t want him here. Liar. No, seriously, I don’t. I can’t keep my walls up if he’s here all the time.
“As much as I’d love to stay in this house with you – preferably in your bed – I promised I wouldn’t pressure you anymore. I’ll find a place to stay on the island. I can always stay at the resort.”
“The resort?” I scrunch my nose. “It would cost a fortune.”
“I’ll figure it out. I’m not letting you raise this baby alone.”
“It would be easier if you did.”
“I haven’t taken the easy way in life thus far. I don’t plan to start now.”
His blue eyes are filled with determination. Too bad his determination isn’t about me. But it’s not. He’s not interested in me. He’s only here because I’m having his baby.
“Have you seen the doctor?
I nod. “I saw Dr. Allens to confirm the pregnancy.”
I bet she wished she never insisted I come in after I ended up bawling my eyes out for an hour in her arms. I only quit when she threatened to force me to stay the night in the hospital.
“Let me know when the next appointment is and I’ll be there.”
I drop my fork. “You can’t do this.”
“Do what? Be a part of my child’s life?” He growls. “You can’t keep me away. I have a right to be there.”
I hold up a hand. “I didn’t say you don’t.”
“Explain what you meant.”
How do I explain this? How do I explain how I don’t want to rely on him when I don’t know if he’ll stay? How do I admit I’m scared to be dependent on him? Scared of the backlash when he leaves? Scared of being pregnant? Scared of losing the baby?
A chair falls to the floor and my eyes fly open. I didn’t even realize I’d closed them.
Nolan kneels next to my chair and grasps my hands. “We’ll figure this out. Together.”
The together part is what’s scaring me.
He squeezes my hands. “Trust me, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere.”
I don’t believe him.
“Until training camp’s over.”
The muscle in his jaw ticks. “We have over a month until then. We have plenty of time to get to know each other. And figure out what’s best for the baby.”
I place a hand on my stomach. “I don’t want our little mermaid to get caught up in any disagreements between us.”
His eyes light up. “Little mermaid? It’s a girl?”
“I don’t know. It’s too early to tell. I barely know I’m pregnant.”
“I don’t care if the baby’s a girl or a boy. As long as the baby’s healthy.”
“Me too.” I hope this baby will be healthy. I hope I can carry her to term. I hope I don’t end up the way my mom did – drowning in grief. Refusing to grab hold of the person who needed her.
He grins. “But I’d love a little girl. Someone I can spoil the way we spoiled Ruth.”
Ruth? His sister? I gasp. “You can’t tell your family. It’s too early. I don’t know…”
He places a finger on my lips to quiet me. “It’s okay. I understand. We won’t make any announcements until the second trimester.”
“I was thinking more the third trimester,” I mutter.
He kisses my cheek before standing and walking around to sit across from me. “We’ll figure it out.”
He makes it sound easy. As if we’ll wake up in the morning with all the decisions made. If only.
If only I could believe him. If only he’d stay. If only I can carry this baby to term. If only… If only…