18. Chapter 18
Seren
I didn’t remember closing my eyes.
One second, I was watching trucks on TV, trying to stay present, trying to ignore the thumping in my head, and the next—
My body jerked before my brain had even caught up, my head snapping upright, heart kicking hard against my ribs. Cai. I should’ve been watching him, should’ve been the one holding him, the one making sure he was okay.
“Hey.” Jake’s voice was rough and deep. I turned to him, seeing Cai was in his arms, curled into his chest, his little face turned inward, lashes resting against cheeks that looked less angry now.
His breathing was even, his body relaxed in a way it hadn’t been all afternoon.
“Don’t panic. I set an alarm for four hours to give Cai more medicine. That’s probably what woke you.”
Four hours? I slept for that long? Oh my god.
My tongue dragged against the roof of my mouth as I tried and failed to swallow. “Shit. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
I blinked at him, still trying to drag myself fully awake, which only made me feel more guilty because I’ve never slept when Cai needed me. In fact, I’d stayed awake through every nightmare, sickness, new tooth coming in. I’d trained myself to stay awake. And tonight, I hadn’t been.
“It’s okay. I made sure to stay awake. It’s not that late, around eleven.”
Guilt crawled hot and ugly through me anyway.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, because I didn’t know what else to say first. “You shouldn’t have had to do this.”
His brow pinched, like he hated the idea of me apologizing to him. “Seren.”
“No, I mean it.” I pushed myself up more, dragging a hand over my face, trying to wake up enough to get my bearings. “You’ve already done more than enough, and then I just—passed out.”
“You were exhausted. How do you feel now?”
My head throbbed, my body aching, but it was hard to tell what was from training and what could’ve been illness. But I was also mentally ready to beat myself up some more. “I mean, I’ll be okay.”
He pinned me with a look that told me he didn’t believe any of that. Suddenly holding his gaze felt too exposing, so I focused on Cai instead, his tiny hand fisted in the front of Jake’s shirt.
“I called Nate. He’s coming over here soon.”
I knew my brother had plans tonight, which is why I hadn’t called him earlier. I also knew he’d drop those plans for me in an instant, yet another reason I didn’t call. “Was he mad I hadn’t called today?” Today now being nighttime, of course.
Jake shrugged. “I told him there was no need to rush. You were both sleeping, and I…sent him hourly pictures so he wouldn’t freak out.”
“He asked you to do that?”
“No, I wanted to make sure he knew I was taking care of you both.”
Well, damn. My nose tingled with emotion at the fact that this sweet man cared so much. He showed up and stayed without even being asked.
“We need to check his temperature to see if he needs more medicine. That’s what the timer was for,” Jake said.
The “we” made me pause, because there had never really been any kind of “we” with me and Cai; it was always just the two of us.
Even with my parents, I never asked for too much because Cai was my responsibility, and I never wanted to seem like I couldn’t handle being his mom.
Right now, it did feel like a joint moment, because even when I was sleeping, Jake handled this, and I knew deep in my bones that if he was worried at all, he would’ve woken me up.
“Uh, right.” I stood, slightly wobbling but moved to the kitchen to get the thermometer.
Cai was still tucked into Jake when I returned, his little body fitting against his like it belonged there, like this wasn’t new or strange or something we’d never done before.
Jake’s hand rested at the back of his head, fingers spread protectively, his thumb brushing slow, absent circles just under his ear.
I swallowed hard and stepped closer, holding the thermometer to his head, pressing and waiting for the beep. It lit up green instead of red, showing that his fever had broken four hours after meds. I sighed in relief, collapsing to sit near them. “That’s a good sign.”
Cai stirred, his face turning slightly into Jake’s chest before his eyes blinked open, glassy and confused. “Mama,” he mumbled, voice thick and small.
“I’m here, baby.” I brushed his hair back, my fingers lingering a second longer than necessary, like I needed to ground myself in him. “Do you wanna sleep in your bed?”
He made a weak noise of protest, his hand tightening in Jake’s shirt.
“I know I’m the best sleeping buddy. Your mom thinks so too.”
Cai smiled sleepily, patting Jake’s chest.
“Jakey best.”
My heart seized.
“No, Cai is the best.”
This was so adorable, I could hardly cope.
I didn’t know how to tell him how much it meant that he’d stayed when I fell apart earlier today.
That not even Cai’s dad had been around when he’d been sick before.
That I had no words to explain the fear and adrenaline still spiking my nervous system.
That I felt raw right now, and it was because of him, but also because of me.
A tear slipped free and snuck under my chin. Jake reached out, his thumb catching the tear before it could fall any farther, brushing it away like it didn’t belong there, like it had no place on me.
“I can stay as long as you need tonight.”
I was grateful beyond words for Jake staying when I fell asleep, but I didn’t expect him to stay longer.
“It’s okay,” I said, my voice still a little rough. “If Nate’s coming, we’ll be okay. I really appreciate you staying.”
He didn’t move his gaze from my face, and I knew deep in my bones that I was safe in this moment with him, that there wasn’t judgement or fear of failure.
Anything that I battled with daily while raising my son most of the time alone, even needing help.
Being his everything was my biggest achievement in life, but it was also my biggest responsibility.
I think somehow Jake understood that. I didn’t know much about him or his family, but I knew he was a good person.
“I’ll just get Cai into bed. I’ll be back.” I stood, taking him from Jake, his body still heavy with sleep.
When I returned with the baby monitor, the room felt smaller with just Jake and me in it. Had I really just been pressed up against him on that tiny couch?
“Thank you for letting me stay and help,” he said, rubbing his hands together.
I moved closer to him, my body feeling pulled to his. “You’re really good with him. Do you have siblings? I feel like I should know that about you.”
A shadow passed over his eyes, and he blinked, but it remained. “I…uh, I actually don’t.”
“Oh, well, your parents did a great job raising you.”
He avoided my eyes as soon as the words left my mouth, and an awkwardness settled over the conversation, thick and suffocating.
“I should probably tell you.” He cleared his throat, and my heart held its beat as I waited. “I don’t, uh, I don’t have parents.”
My heart resumed beating but dropped deep into my stomach. “Oh god, I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
Laughing an empty sound, he rubbed his hand over his face, his palm dragging down roughly, like he was trying to buy himself a second to pull himself back together. When his hand dropped, his fingers didn’t quite settle, flexing once.
“It’s—” he started, then stopped, his jaw shifting. His gaze flicked past me, landing somewhere over my shoulder. “It’s fine.”
But it wasn’t.
I swallowed the bubble of guilt lodged in my throat. “I didn’t mean to bring that up. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“No, I didn’t mean to make it weird either. It’s not a sob story.” Inhaling sharply, he looked at the ceiling, breathing deeply. “I grew up in the system, ‘a kid on a doorstep of a junkie who didn’t want me’ situation.” One shoulder raised in dismissal. “And I wasn’t ever adopted.”
All the words I could say emptied from my mind.
I’d clearly unearthed something that he might’ve kept under wraps until he was ready.
Trust my big mouth for forcing him to tell me.
My face heated, but it was hard to deny it only piqued my curiosity about him.
The man I knew was well-rounded and kind, giving and funny.
So funny. And suddenly, these layers had been added.
In so many ways tonight, he’d showed up for us, but did anyone show up for him?
“Does Nate know?” I asked tentatively.
“He does,” he said, gaze pinched. “I know he can be a lot for you, but his heart is in the right place. He’s always been there for me over the years we’ve known one another.
” He wrung his fingers together, but a smile snuck out at something that crossed his mind.
“And Connor, his family practically took me in at one of their Sunday dinners and that was that. I’ve been lucky as an adult. ”
I exhaled quickly, relief filling me. “I’m glad.”
I didn’t want to push him into something he didn’t want to talk more about, so I grabbed his hand and squeezed twice.
He homed in on our connection, squeezing twice back. That small automatic return of pressure settled some of the worry inside me.
“Seeing you with Cai…” he trailed off, his thumb brushing once over my knuckles before he seemed to catch himself.
His hand stilled, but he didn’t pull away.
“The way you are with him. How sure he is of you.” He exhaled heavily, and his guard slipped a little more. “That’s what I missed growing up.”
There was no bitterness in it, and that somehow made it worse, as though he’d resigned to not expect it his whole life.
“I almost got adopted a couple of times, but according to my files, I was a really fussy baby, which made me hard to place.”
My heart ached so badly, I had to look away, not wanting him to see every emotion that moved across my face.
But my mind was a mess. What kind of world looked at a baby and decided he was too much before he’d even had the chance to become anything at all?
I was mad at the system for allowing him to believe he was never enough, and as my anger grew, I thought about Cai and how he was sick today.
There was no way I could ever imagine walking away from him because he cried too much, because he needed more, because he didn’t know how to be anything other than a baby who wanted comfort. A baby who wanted to be loved.
My throat thickened as the realization imprinted into my mind. Jake had been that small once. That helpless. That dependent on someone showing up for him without question. And someone had looked at that version of him and decided he was too difficult to keep.
I swallowed hard, throat burning, my fingers tightening slightly around his. Some part of me needed to feel the man standing in front of me instead of the child I couldn’t stop picturing.
“Your files were wrong,” I said shakily. “I’m sorry you had to think that your whole life. The man you are today is so incredibly good, Jake.”
I knew that my words wouldn’t undo the years of believing he wasn’t good enough, wasn’t deserving. But words were all I had.
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “I’m…not exactly easy, though.
I can be a bit much.” A small shrug followed, like it didn’t matter.
I’d have to lean on his shoulder if he kept being so nonchalant about this.
“Took me a while to figure out most people don’t really want that type of friend; they want a funny guy who’s easy to be around. A good time.”
That explained the armor he wore. But it did nothing to soothe the ache I’d formed for him.
“You don’t have to do that with me,” I said. “The whole act.”
His eyes flicked to mine.
“And…thank you,” I added, swallowing the emotion that I hid. “For telling me that.”
A knock at my door told me our time was up, but it didn’t pull me away from him. If anything, it only made it clearer that this wasn’t something I wanted to leave where it was.
Jake Ledger had captured some part of me tonight, and he wasn’t giving it back.