22. Chapter 22
Jake
“You’ve been weird tonight,” Connor said as we drove back to my place.
“I’m always a little weird.” I shrugged.
“You barely flirted with my mam tonight, which isn’t like you.”
Flirting with Siobhan was my favorite pastime. Especially when she fed me amazing dinners, like tonight.
“I’m sure I did flirt a little.” Liar, I was a liar.
I hadn’t flirted with anyone in weeks, except Seren.
Hadn’t wanted to either. Ramirez was bitching to me the other day, asking me to go to Pour Decisions to be his wingman, but I’d already planned out the bus thing and, truthfully, I didn’t want to go to the bar.
“You normally ask her to leave my dad and start a new life with you, but tonight, you hardly peeped.”
He might’ve been right. Even when Siobhan offered me thirds at dinner, I turned her down, and I never do that. I ran my hand through my hair, tugging a little.
“Do you think I’m a ladies’ man?”
Connor’s head tilted slightly as he glanced over at me. “I think you like to keep relationships casual, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Why are you worried about that?”
“Seren’s ex, the guy who turned up at training yesterday, said that he knew of me because of my antics with women.”
“Oh yeah, I forgot about that guy.”
My head dropped back against the seat. “Yeah, and I dunno…” I said, picking at my nails. “I didn’t like it.”
Connor pulled up to my building, turning off the engine. “Are you upset because of what he thinks or what Seren thinks?”
He was perceptive, I’d give him that. “What do you think?”
“You like her.”
My eyes flicked to his for a second, then away. “I shot myself in the foot by telling her I’d be her friend because that’s all she has time for right now.”
Connor chuckled. “You really wanna know what I think?”
“As long as it’s not going to hurt my feelings. I’m fragile tonight.”
“I think,” he said, leaning back in his seat, “you did the right thing by giving her space. By still wanting to be her friend, it shows you respect her.”
“I do.” I had so much respect for her.
“It also shows that you’re not some player who can’t keep it in his pants. When was the last time you even messed around with a girl?”
I shrugged.
“I’ve known you for years, mate, and you’re not that guy.”
I played with a loose thread on my jeans. “I guess I didn’t want Seren to see me the way he did.”
Connor didn’t say anything, just listened.
“She doesn’t owe me anything, I know that,” I said.
“I’m not saying she should pick me because I made her laugh a few times, but I like being near her.
I’ll be whatever she has room for. I just…
” I exhaled, staring out the window. “I hated that Derek looked at me like I could never be more than a one-night kinda guy.”
Had I spent too much of my life making sure people saw the easy version of me first? The flirt, the one-night stand, the comic relief, all in the hope they’d keep me around. Now, I wanted to be serious about someone, and I didn’t know how to make that as real as it felt for me.
“Seren’s smart, and perceptive,” Connor said, breaking my inner thoughts. “Chances are, she sees you for everything you can give to someone anyway. And that’s because you’re a good guy. Who cares what that other guy says? He’s an asshole for coming at you like that.”
I nodded. He was an ass. The other issue was that I didn’t know what Derek wanted.
I didn’t know what Seren wanted either. Sure, we had chemistry but that didn’t mean ours was better than with the guy she created a whole human with.
What if they’d spent the evening together remembering all the reasons they loved each other? The thought made me feel vaguely homicidal, which wasn’t great.
“Trust your gut, mate.” Connor continued. “If you like her, tell her that.”
“I hate not knowing where I stand.” It was something I tried to work on but the fear of someone leaving haunted me regularly with all relationships, friends included.
“I know.” His hand clamped on my shoulder. Connor was as steady a friend as I could ever hope for. “I get that you’re scared, but that just means it’s important to you. Show up for her, call her, just don’t go in there and sit in whatever mood this is.”
I nodded, knowing I couldn’t deny that calling her was appealing. “Thanks, dude.”
“Anytime.” He smiled. “Now get out of my car. I need to get home to my girl and fuck her senseless.”
Okay, I take it back, maybe he could be a little more sensitive.
“Wow,” I drawled, unbuckling my seatbelt. “Way to rub your sex life in my face. You don’t care about me at all.”
Connor barked a laugh. “Nah, not at all. In fact, I hope you go upstairs and cry into your pillow.”
“Heartless bastard.”
“Jealous bastard,” he countered, pointing to me as I opened my door. “Which is why you’re going to call her.”
I stepped out, saluting him. “Drive safe, Cap.”
He grinned, rolling the window down as I shut the door. “See ya, mate.”
The car pulled away, taillights glowing, I stood there shoving my hands into my pockets as I watched him disappear.
Upstairs, my keys clanked on the surface, and I was alone in my apartment, which wasn’t an unusual occurrence, but my mind wasn’t enjoying the silence tonight.
I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Derek already had Seren in ways I never would, how was I supposed to compete with that?
The painful answer sat sour in my stomach, but I wouldn’t entertain that yet. I needed to hear her voice again, just to check she wasn’t kidnapped or whatever baby daddies do these days.
Pulling my phone out, I opened my call log, and without thinking on it too much, I pressed the green button. I didn’t expect her to answer, but I sure as shit didn’t expect a guy to answer either.
“Hello?” The deep voice rattled in my brain in all the wrong ways.
“Uh.” I pulled the phone away from my ear to make sure I didn’t accidentally dial someone else, but no, that was hopeful thinking. “Hey, I thought I was calling Seren.”
“She’s in the shower right now.”
Well, fuck my life.
It’d be easier if someone just stabbed me right in the chest and let me bleed out than to jump to the conclusions I was already jumping to.
“Oh, great, that’s awesome she’s keeping…clean.” Jesus this was straight out of a horror movie. Shit, I was gonna crash out.
“Yeah, it’s pretty late too. I think we’re going to bed after.”
Amazing news. That was exactly what I wanted to hear. This guy knew exactly how to sweet talk me. “Right, yeah, awesome.” My jaw clamped shut. I stopped myself from asking if they were going to bed together. “I’ll call her another time.”
“Have a good night, man.”
Then he hung up without a clue, or a care, that I was losing my head. I stared at my phone like it had betrayed me, like if I looked hard enough it might become some kind of time machine that could rewind the last thirty seconds of my life and give me literally any other outcome.
She’s in the shower.
We’re going to bed after.
We. The plural form of two people spending time together, which was to be expected of parents, I guess.
I scrubbed a hand down my face, letting out an endless sigh. My body was buzzing like I’d just had fifteen energy drinks. But I knew if I sat, if I stopped, my brain would go to a place I wasn’t willing to visit tonight.
An unhinged sound left my throat, as image after image of the two of them plagued me. But what the fuck was I supposed to do, go over there? Well…no, that really was next-level crazy. I wasn’t that guy. Yet.
“He’s literally Cai’s dad. What the fuck did you expect?” I said to myself.
My feet paced the length of my apartment and back again. It didn’t stop the way my stomach turned over on itself, slow and sick as I tried and failed to think about anything else.
It was my fault for calling in the first place.
“They share a life. History. Responsibilities. You’re…what? The guy who makes her laugh at training and buys her coffee?”
It sounded small when I put it like that. But Seren never made me feel small.
She made me feel like I could conquer the world, especially when she smiled at me.
Now she was smiling at him, I had no doubt, and that fucking stung. I wanted all her smiles. All her laughs too. And while I was already making myself sound like the world’s most emotionally unstable possessive dickhead, I wanted her to not be wanted by someone else who wasn’t me.
I was unhinged and ridiculous.
“I should just go to bed, rest, be ready for work tomorrow.” I stretched my body out, feeling my shoulders click as I did. “Yeah, I’ll go to sleep. Smart decision.”
Because if my eyes were closed, I couldn’t imagine any more horrors…
Right?
Yeah, no. That was a lie I told myself with zero conviction, because the second I even entertained the idea of sleep, my thoughts grew louder, meaner, more creative.
I dropped back onto the edge of my bed, elbows on my knees, phone hanging loose between my fingers. My foot bounced against the floor, fast and restless, and I reconsidered just showing up at her place. But where the fuck would that get me?
Showing up unannounced like some jealous asshole when I had absolutely no claim to her was a sure-fire way of putting out whatever flame was flickering between us.
No, I was going to go to bed.
Like a responsible adult.
***
My eyes burned with the ten minutes of sleep I’d managed to get last night. I was wired and insane. But also, was I? I didn’t think so, others might have, though.
3 a.m. Jake came up with a solid plan to march over there and throw her over my shoulder. A totally normal thing for a grown man to do to a girl he liked.
3:30 a.m. Jake realized that I was certifiably insane by doing that and would probably get arrested for kidnapping. But would it be worth it if I had her?
4:15 a.m. Jake spent at least forty-five minutes pouting, arguing with myself in circles because, apparently, I’d reached a point in our friendship where I couldn’t be trusted to have a single coherent thought about her.
5 a.m. Jake wanted to call her again to plead my case that I wasn’t the ladies’ man I’d been painted to be yesterday. Connor had at least convinced me of that much.
I also knew I hadn’t gained enough redeeming qualities to my plan and should probably give up.
But it was currently six a.m., and giving up was never my M.O.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, my heart thumped erratically. I’d need to check in with the team doctor if this shit continued. My hand gripped my phone so tightly, I was sure it’d break, which would be best for everyone at this point.
My plan was to make breakfast and take my time, be a leisurely gentleman. I didn’t need to be anywhere so today would be my bitch.
As I padded out into my kitchen, my mind had other ideas yet again. Traitorous bastard it was.
What if I called again and she answered all cute and sleepy like she was that time I was at her place when Cai was sick?
What if she didn’t answer and he did?
What if he answered right as they were fucking?
Oh no, I was crashing out.
The restless feeling picked at my skin as I dropped the phone on my counter with a groan. “Fucking hell.”
I should probably do what any man would do and hop into the shower, fuck my fist to memories of her, and get on with my day after an orgasm…but I couldn’t fucking do that.
Seren wasn’t even in the wrong here. If she wanted to be with her baby daddy, then she should. She could do whatever she wanted, and I understood that.
I wasn’t her keeper, and I’d strictly said friends.
I didn’t mean it, but I wanted to be around her, and if that was it, then I was willing.
I’d planned on earning smiles, making her comfortable around me, and even though that makes it sound like I had a game plan, I really didn’t. I just liked being around her.
A lot of people expected something from me, including versions of myself that fit their own narrative.
But Seren never did that. She showed up with her heart on her sleeve, and it quickly coaxed mine out too.
There was something so right about being with her and Cai that I wasn’t willing to give up on.
I stared at the contents of my fridge, relishing the cool air soothing my heated body. Stress was giving me the munchies but also twisting my stomach. What are the fucking chances.
I needed to get out of these four walls.
“I’ll go to the gym,” I announced to the many irrational versions of myself.
Grabbing my gym kit, I left my place, and as soon as I got into my car, I saw something that gave me a reason to go to her place.
This version of crazy was going to win this morning.