42. Chapter 42
Jake
“So when are you going to tell that girl?” Siobhan asked.
“Tell her what?”
She pinned me with a look I was familiar with, because I’d seen her give it to Connor when he bullshitted her. Who was I kidding? She’d given that look to me a hundred times too.
The back of my neck felt hot, my eyes unable to hold contact with hers. “Siobhan, you know you’re the only woman for me.”
It was a deflection, and a bad one, and her face didn’t move an inch. Her stare burned straight through me.
There weren’t enough words to figure out how I was feeling about Seren in this moment, not with my chest doing that stupid tightening thing every time I looked at her.
Then I saw Cai too. This morning had been everything I needed after the uncertainty of Derek moving here, but I couldn’t lie and say I was learning how to adjust and act in this world of hers without overstepping.
I wondered if this was what it was supposed to feel like. To feel something so strongly it might kill me to have it taken away.
“Son,” Siobhan said, voice softening in that way that always hit harder than when she was cross, “let me tell you something I don’t believe you’ve heard enough.”
She waited for me to look at her, and when I finally turned, the corners of her eyes crinkled like she already knew the part of me I was trying to hide.
“You are so much easier to love than you think.”
I didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know how to hold the weight of that truth without dropping it.
This must be that mother’s instinct. The thing that always drew me to Connor’s family was their warmth and kindness, and here was the woman I admired, telling me I was worthy of the one thing I wasn’t sure of.
Siobhan patted my cheek once, brisk and warm. “So stop pretending you don’t feel what you feel. It’s written all over you, love.”
She hugged me and wandered off, letting me sit in my own feelings.
I wasn’t sure how I’d be showing anything when I’d never felt anything close to it romantically before now.
I was flawed, and one single misstep could cause a rift not only in my team, my friends, but possibly hurt her son.
He was a factor in this I didn’t stop thinking about.
Yet here I was, trying to step into a role I’d never seen done right.
I didn’t grow up with a man who showed up, so the idea of being that for Cai felt huge.
How could I build something from scraps I never had?
Part of me wanted to be the man Cai could look up to, to be the man I’d needed when I was his age.
But I didn’t have a blueprint; I was making it up as I went, hoping I wouldn’t fall short.
Wanting Seren was the easy part. Needing to be the steady person in both of their lives was the part that scared me.
Being near them felt like standing in the doorway of a home I’d never had, and wanting it scared me more than anything.
But I knew what it was like to not have a family, and I’d never wish that on Cai.
My eyes roamed the space around, searching, finding Lola and Teddy, and then Seren and Derek mingling together. The perfect family unit that I was interrupting.
Seeing them side by side pinged that ugly streak of jealousy I rarely acknowledged, something miserable and restless that had no place in the life I’d built.
I watched Derek’s gaze linger on Seren. I watched him brush his arm against hers, standing close on purpose.
I was feeling irrational and confused. This morning, we were all together, and now Derek was here, and I was an imposter. My head had a hard time with that.
It didn’t matter that she wasn’t smiling the way she did for me; I still needed to drag her closer to me somehow.
My legs felt coiled, like I was half a second from rushing over there, from closing the distance just to feel her look at me again.
Even my hands wouldn’t stay still, flexing, unclenching, searching for something to hold on to so I didn’t give myself away.
I had to remind myself that I’d had her, that I knew her body, her reactions, her mind and soul, but none of that helped.
Because right now, I needed her attention back on me.
“Don’t do it, dude.” Nate appeared next to me like a silent ninja, hands in his pockets, voice quiet. Jesus, was everyone just watching me today, waiting for me to implode?
I didn’t look at him. “Do what?”
“Storm over there like a territorial goose.” He angled his head toward Seren and Derek who was plucking something out of Seren’s hair. “It’s not a good look on you.”
My jaw flexed. “I’m not storming, and I’m no goose.”
“You’re absolutely storming,” he said, calm as ever. “I could feel the weather shift from across the field.”
I dragged in a breath, but it didn’t settle anything. Not when Derek leaned in to say something to her. My fingers flexed at my side again, but I didn’t move closer.
Nate sighed. “Jake. She’s fine. You’re fine. Nobody’s stealing her.”
My mind ruffled at that. I couldn’t see past the fact that I had a feeling that he was trying to steal Seren back. But how did I navigate that shit?
He shifted, arms folding. “Look, man…he’s her kid’s dad. He’s gonna be around. That’s just the reality.”
“I know.” And I did…in the rational part of my brain, the part that wasn’t currently hijacked by hormones.
But the part of me I hated admitting existed, had never quite learned what to do when something good was in front of me. The part that didn’t trust it to stay.
“I just…” I swallowed. “I don’t know what to do with this.”
“With what?”
“This pull,” I muttered, tapping my chest. “Like I need her next to me. Right now.”
He exhaled a laugh. “Next thing you know, you’ll be dragging her off by the ankle.”
I groaned, rubbing a hand over my face. “Shut up.”
“Hey, I’m not judging,” he added, shrugging. “Just saying, maybe try using your words before you go full Neanderthal.”
“I’m trying to use my words.”
Nate went quiet beside me. He dragged in a slow breath.
“I’ve spent years looking out for my little sister, seeing her make herself smaller around what others needed from her.
I’ve watched her grow into an incredible mother to Cai before she’s even finished figuring herself out.
I’ve held her when she cried after sleepless nights.
I’ve been there for her, her whole life. ”
My throat tightened.
“Seren is the strongest person I know, but she forgets that she’s also living this life for the first time.” Nate glanced at me then, and the sincerity on his face took me back. “But around you, she lights up.”
I pressed my tongue to the inside of my cheek because my heart was burning behind my ribs. “So if you’re feeling this pull, if it’s something new for you, then good. Maybe important things should scare you a little.”
Emotion surged in me, deep and sure. I was scared.
I didn’t want to mess this up. I let my focus drift back to Seren with ease.
Her light blonde hair shone in the sun, as did her smile that had been beaming for most of the day.
Her hands animatedly flew around her as she talked to Lola and Teddy.
Sure, Derek was there, but if I squinted, he’d disappear.
“Thank you, man,” I said to Nate. “I appreciate everything you just said.”
“Of course.” He slapped my shoulder. “Maybe you can stop scowling at Derek now…”
We laughed, and then Derek reached for Seren’s arm to get her attention for the hundredth time during this conversation, clearly trying to catch her hand in his own. She pulled away with certainty, and Nate barked a laugh.
“Actually, you know what? You do you. He’s pissing me off now. Go get your girl.”
Something in me snapped, my feet already moving. I really was going to drag her ass away.
I watched Seren’s shoulders shift, her head turning slightly like her body knew I was approaching. And then her eyes found mine.
“Hey,” she said, light, breezy, with a hint of heat that shot down my spine. I wasn’t sure how one greeting from her could do that, but here we were.
“Hey,” Derek said, overly friendly. “Ledger, good to see you.”
I wasn’t about to create a scene, or much of one other than taking Seren away from him. I was willing to be subtle, but I didn’t think he felt the same.
“Derek,” I said with a flash of a smile. “Lola, Teddy.” I greeted them, but they quickly excused themselves when Connor called Teddy over.
“Seren and I were just talking about plans with Cai.”
“Great,” I said calmly.
“It’s a family thing, you know,” he said pointedly, as though he knew I had no say in that.
“Derek,” Seren scolded, but I stopped her with two squeezes to her hand. “Of course.” I swallowed. “Cai comes first.”
Derek’s eyebrows lifted. “Good. Glad we agree.”
“We do.” I looked back at Seren, making sure she heard me too. “Whatever makes things easier for him and Seren.”
Seren’s lips bloomed into a smile that was all for me, and I beamed back.
Derek probably wanted to bait me, hoping I’d make myself look like exactly the kind of idiot he wanted me to be. I wasn’t that guy. But I was this guy…
“Come with me a sec?” I said, cutting in, my voice tight with something I wasn’t bothering to hide. It was borderline rude, but I was a comet headed for Earth.
Her eyes dragged over my face, searching, like she could see something there I hadn’t said out loud.
Then she nodded, slipping her hand into mine even as she turned to face the opposite way.
“I’ll be back. Do you have eyes on Cai?” I was aware she wasn’t talking to me, but I couldn’t even look at Derek.
“Evie has him, remember? They’re around front, getting ice cream,” Derek stuttered, but I was already moving, already pulling her with me, not giving myself space to think better of it.
I needed distance. Space. Her. Annoyingly, Nate was right. I was going into caveman mode.
As soon as we were inside, the noise of everything else dulled behind us, replaced by the quiet that made my heartbeat louder. It pounded in my ears, heavy and insistent, matching the way my grip tightened on her hand.