10. Malcolm
Just stay with me.
If it were possible for Kate’s words to hit me like a truck, it would be those.
The words replay in my head like a damn symphony as I make my way back down to the lobby. I just need to breathe for a second. The effect this woman has on me is downright ridiculous, and four little words have rendered me a stuttering idiot in the hallway. And the fact that we’re sharing a room now has my blood pressure almost at a stroke level. This place is pretty much a resort, so I should be relaxed. I should be as relaxed as the guy in the Hawaiian shirt sitting at the bar sipping his drink with a little umbrella in it. But nope. I am feeling the most on edge I’ve felt in months. Maybe even years. I knew getting out of the friend zone wasn’t going to be easy, but I didn’t expect the universe to throw us in the same room on day one.
“Hello, Mr. Geer! How can I help you?” Benny’s voice comes from the other line after one ring. He’s clearly still at the school or he wouldn’t sound so professional.
“We have a problem.” I pace back and forth in the hotel lobby, working through the breathing exercises my therapist gave me.
I hear movement on the other line, then my phone jingles with his incoming FaceTime. I click it on and see Benny’s and Ellie’s faces fighting for room on my screen.
Watching their faces practically melt together does something to my heart. Most days, I’d rather get run over by a train than watch them act like a couple. Some call it adorable. I call it nauseating. It makes me want to burn down an entire Christmas tree farm. But on the rare occasion I don’t get annoyed by their sickening infatuation with each other, I actually do feel happy for them.
“What happened?” Ellie asks, her face full of worry.
One last breath out and I feel better. My instincts have me checking over my shoulder before speaking. This isn’t a war zone, Geer. Just chill out. I smooth out my beard and say under my breath, “We’re sharing a room.”
“WHAT?!” the squished heads yell at the same time.
“What happened to the reservation?” Benny’s face is calculating. He’s clearly thinking of all the scenarios that could happen if two of his faculty members share a room. I don’t blame him. After what happened last term with him almost losing his job, he’s been a headache about school policies.
“Bill messed it up.”
“Freaking Bill,” Benny mumbles. “Will you—”
“I will be professional,” I interject, already aware of his concerns. “No funny business, Ben.”
“I know, I know. I just mean—”
“It’ll be fine,” Ellie reassures him. “There are no policies about faculty members engaging in…things”—she waves her hand at the screen—“with each other anymore. They’re free to do as they please.” She gives me a supportive smirk.
“They’re at camp! A camp we sent them to and paid for.” Benny’s grumble is almost comparable to mine.
“Nothing will happen. You know me, and you know Kate,” I reassure him.
“Yes, I do. Alright.” He attempts a steadying breath. “Well, then, what’s the issue? You know, if you’re not gonna…” He trails off, wincing at where his mind was going. I’m sure the thought of his cousin, who is practically his sister, doing anything but holding hands with another person is enough to send Benny to Crazy Town.
“The issue, honey,” Ellie speaks through her teeth, “is Malcolm’s entire plan is ruined. How can he woo her if they’ll be together literally every second? The mystery and tension of romance is out the freaking window now!” Ellie seems more upset about all of this than me.
“Exactly. So what now?” I rub the back of my neck and roll it out. The plane and bus ride killed my back, and the stress of this “plan” has become an added physical pain.
“We just come up with a new plan!” Ellie answers before Benny can get a word out. “Yes. You can still do a few things, but the other things, like lingering hugs goodnight or walking away backward, gazing at her, will have to be thrown out.” Ellie waves her hands around and reaches for a notebook—the infamous notebook full of doodles and secrets. She starts scribbling away like a maniac, Benny and I both watching.
“Great, you just let me know what you come up with,” I murmur under my breath. Including them in these plans hasn’t been very enjoyable, but I hate to admit that it’s probably necessary. According to them, just asking Kate to dinner wasn’t strong enough to pull me out of the friend zone.
A group of kids races through the lobby with beach towels and a speaker blaring some nonsense about big energy. I glance over, clocking each face and making sure none of them are from my group.
“Where are you at?” Benny asks, eyeing the commotion that passed behind me.
“The lobby. I told Kate I forgot toothpaste.”
“Did you?”
“Of course I didn’t forget toothpaste. I just needed to calm down,” I snip. Benny’s eyebrows furrow as he watches me. Ellie stops writing and eyes me too.
“Are you alright?” Her voice is therapist-y.
I take a slow inhale, looking away from their pity eyes, and watch Hawaiian Shirt order another drink.
“Are you still having nightmares?” Ellie whispers.
Nightmares.
“I haven’t had any in a month,” I whisper.
“Good, good.” Benny nods.
“What if I—”
“Just try to stay calm and manage your stress the best you can,” Ellie interrupts my question before I can let it consume me. “You won’t let the plan be ruined because of freaking Bill. Use the forced proximity to your advantage, alright?” She does a good job at reverting back to the conversation in an attempt to not let me dwell on my issues.
Over the years, I’ve been able to push the memories aside, suppressing them with every ounce of energy I have. But then I get comfortable, thinking they aren’t a problem anymore. And then it creeps in again when I least expect it. It could be from lack of sleep or a familiar sound.
Hell, I had to call my therapist in a panic because the bird that flew over my house one morning reminded me of a helicopter.
But for years, I didn’t have a therapist. I refused to talk to anyone about it. Detaching myself from the past seemed like the best option, until the nightmares were happening every night, and I realized it was getting me nowhere.
I’ve made progress.
But I can’t shake the anxiety gnawing at my insides at the real possibility of having a nightmare around Kate. It’s one thing to know about the nightmares—which she does—but actually seeing them is a different thing entirely. And that terrifies me.
What if it scares her away? What if she pities me? What if the fact that I cry like a baby at night over watching my friend die is too much for her to handle?
“It’s going to be fine, Malcolm.” Benny pulls me back to the conversation, reassuring me.
I just nod. The tiny amount of confidence I had in winning Kate over is just about gone now.