43
Despite it being my decision to end things, I sink into a depression after that call. I play the conversation with Ben over and over in my mind and, when I wake up the next morning, my new reality hits me like an eighteen-tonne truck. It’s over. There won’t be any more conversations with Ben.
I hardly leave my room for three whole days while I question whether I’ve done the right thing. Should I have held on a little while longer before walking away from the man who might just have been the love of my life? But much as I might want to, I can’t escape the fact that it wasn’t working.
On top of that, I start fretting about the fact that I’m twenty-four, not earning an income and still living at home with my dad. I know he’s told me not to worry while we’re still in the throes of establishing Crawford United, but I can’t do this forever so I need to start working out what kind of job I want and how to fit Crawford around it.
Assuming there still is a Crawford United by the end of the season. My financial projections are optimistic if I base them on the ticket sales of our first three fixtures. But unless the rain stops and we start winning some games, there will likely be some downward adjustments as all the fair-weather fans lose interest.
Not for the first time, I wonder if Dad, Cassie and I need to switch up the team, swapping in more of the reserves. Caspian will be standing in for Aaron for at least the next three weeks and is blending in pretty seamlessly. Do we bench Bailey as well, till he’s back to his best? Craig, to see if Billy Holt should have been our number-one striker after all? But when I bring it up at training on Tuesday evening, Cassie is adamant we already have the strongest players in our starting line-up and that they just need a bit more time.
I’ve told her and Dad about Ben, so I don’t need to explain my red, puffy eyes to them, or why I look like I haven’t slept. But it doesn’t escape Bailey’s notice, perhaps because he’s the only other one on the team who doesn’t think I broke up with Ben a few weeks ago.
‘Don’t take this the wrong way but you look terrible,’ he says when I call him over while the players are having a drinks break, to check how he’s getting on with quitting the vaping. ‘And there I was thinking Ben wasn’t handling this well,’ he adds.
‘Is he not?’ I can’t help asking.
‘He’s devastated,’ Bailey admits. ‘Are you sure the two of you can’t fix this? It seems so stupid when you clearly both still want to be together.’
‘That’s not going to happen as long as Georgina’s around. But don’t worry, we’ll both find a way to make our peace with it.’
He offers a sympathetic smile then turns back to where Cassie is resuming her training drills, without me even having had the chance to ask about his vaping. But at the end of the session he asks for a moment of everyone’s time, announcing there’s something he wants to share with us all. His addiction, I think, based on the way he glances at me. And he’s probably going to ask for their help in beating it. Good for him.
‘Let’s hear it,’ Dad encourages.
‘So, er, I like to think we’ve all got to know each other fairly well since we first met a few months ago. For instance, we all know Elliot still hasn’t passed his driving test after three attempts and that Scott watches Love Island by choice, not just because his girlfriend makes him.’
This gets a laugh. ‘Yeah, you big girl’s blouse,’ Thomas teases.
‘But there’s something I want to tell you about me, now a certain situation has come to a head.’ He rubs the back of his neck as he looks from one team mate to another, and I realise he’s nervous. ‘The thing is...’ he takes a big breath. ‘Okay, I’m just going to say it. The thing is, I’m gay.’
‘Oh thank God,’ Jamie exclaims, clutching Elliot’s arm as if he’d been about to collapse. ‘I thought you were going to say you were leaving us to play for the Rovers.’
Bailey snorts. ‘Please! Give me some credit. I’m not disloyal; I just like men. Not you lot, though, before you start freaking out because you think I might have been checking out your dicks in the showers. My type is skinny and nerdy, not beefy and stupid, which you’ll see when you meet my new boyfriend.’
‘Can he play football?’ Craig asks. And now I’ve recovered from my surprise, I love that this is anyone’s first question.
‘Absolutely not. He’s a bona fide exercise hater. But he’s incredibly funny and he means the world to me, which is why I no longer want to hide him away. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been agonising over whether to say anything– not because I’m ashamed, but because there’s still such a stigma about gay men in football.’
‘Not in this club,’ Dad assures him, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt prouder of our team as they all vocalise their agreement.
‘Thank you,’ Bailey says, one hand placed over his heart. ‘You have no idea how good it feels to be able to stand here and be proud of being me.’
‘I can’t believe you think we’re all stupid though,’ Aaron says, grinning to show he’s not really upset about it.
‘But beefy,’ Craig reminds him, which kicks off a round of competitive bicep flexing that gets everybody laughing.
‘Are we allowed to make jokes about playing for the opposition?’ Scott asks, now the mood has got lighter.
‘Or coming from the offside position.’ This is from Nico and gets a round of sniggers, but Bailey takes it with the good humour that’s intended.
‘You can even joke about who’s got the worst tackle,’ he says. Then he puts a finger across his lips in a hush sign and whispers, ‘It’s Aaron,’ which makes everyone laugh again.
‘Whatever.’ Aaron rolls his eyes, but we all know he’s just pretending to be offended.
‘Shall we go and get a pint then?’ Bailey suggests. ‘I think I could use one after that.’
I tell them I’ll cough up for the first round. It beats another night of moping about Ben.
The team all give Bailey supportive slaps on the back as we turn towards the exit, and because The Fox isn’t busy and raucous like on match days, we’re all able to sit round one big table together. As we discuss everything from childhood misdemeanours to relationship disasters, I really get that sense of being one big family Dad and I always hoped to achieve, so it ends up being one of my favourite nights at The Fox ever.
I even manage to push Ben out of my mind for a few hours, giving me some much-needed headspace. But it’s only a temporary reprieve– he comes crashing back into my life just two days later.
I flounder for a moment when an incoming call from him pops up on my phone screen, because although I miss him like crazy, I do think having no contact will help us heal. It would be lovely if we could find our way to being friends at some point in the future, but right now I’d just spend all my time secretly wanting more from him. And if he got into a real relationship with someone else, especially if that person were Georgina, it would hurt too much to hear about it.
But his call is hard to ignore. If what Bailey said is true and he’s struggling with the split as much I have been, I don’t want to leave him hanging. So I take a deep breath and click ‘connect’, my heart rate spiking even though, as it’s early in the morning, I’m still lying in bed.
His voice sets off a familiar flutter in my stomach as he opens with, ‘I didn’t wake you, did I?’
‘No. Is everything okay?’
‘I’m worried about Bailey. I can’t get hold of him. I take it you haven’t looked at this morning’s headlines yet? He’s only gone and spoken to a reporter. It’s getting picked up everywhere.’
I sit up straighter and reach for my laptop on the bedside table, quickly bringing the screen to life. A search for Bailey’s name brings up stories ranging from ‘Ben Pryce’s fight for LGBTQ+ rights’ to ‘I did it for my brother’.
‘I’m scanning,’ I tell him, skim-reading to get the gist of the story.
Bailey says he wants to ‘set the record straight’ about when Ben lashed out at that fan, saying it’s high time his brother’s reputation stopped getting dragged through the mud. He describes how the fan, an old classmate of Bailey’s who had spotted him holding hands with his new partner, was spouting such homophobic poison about him that Ben felt compelled to step in.
It continues, I know a lot of people will still say he should have ignored it, but it’s hard not to see red when someone’s badmouthing your family. And if you ask me, he was right to call that person out for the disgusting things he was saying. No one should have to listen to that kind of hate.
He goes into more detail about how his brother couldn’t be more caring or supportive, even willing to let his own career suffer so as not to have to out Bailey, who at that point hadn’t felt ready to talk about it openly.
But things have changed now and I want people to stop blaming my brother because he’s never been the real villain of this story.
‘Is that true?’ I ask Ben.
‘Yes, and I’m sorry I didn’t explain it to you, but Bailey has always kept his private life to himself before, so I didn’t feel like it was for me to share. I was trying to be the protective big brother as usual, even though I know he’s perfectly capable of looking after himself. I have no idea why he’s suddenly decided to talk about it so publicly now.’
I tell him Bailey announced it to the team on Tuesday and seemed relieved to have done so. ‘I think he just wants to be able to bring his boyfriend to The Fox and before this maybe he felt like he couldn’t.’
‘How did the others react when he told them?’
‘They just cracked a few jokes then got on with it.’
‘Well that’s one less thing to worry about. But I’m concerned he might be under siege by the press. Our parents are on holiday this week and he’s not answering his phone. And I can’t go round and check on him when I’m so far away.’
There’s an unspoken question there and I offer to pop over, to put his mind at rest.
‘It feels cheeky asking you under the circumstances, but I’d be eternally grateful. And if you could drop me a message afterwards, or get him to call me, that would be amazing.’
‘Consider it done,’ I tell him, already reaching for the joggers and T-shirt on the top of my yet-to-be-put-away laundry pile as an image of Bailey cowering behind a curtain to hide from a pack of nosy journalists flashes into my head.
But despite Ben’s fears, there’s not a single reporter camped outside his parents’ place. I ring the doorbell anyway. Now I’m here I might as well check everything else is okay.
Bailey doesn’t answer on the first two rings, but the door finally flies open just as I’m about to leave. He has a towel knotted round his waist and his hair is sticking up all over the place. ‘Lily? What brings you here?’
‘Your brother. He’s been trying to call you since he saw your story in the papers.’
‘Ah,’ he says, looking sheepish. ‘I probably should have warned him. But I didn’t want him to try and talk me out of it. I wanted to get it out there.’
‘Who is it?’ a voice calls from down the corridor. Deep. Booming. Male.
My cheeks redden instantly. ‘You’ve got company? I’m sorry.’
‘It’s not a problem. I won’t invite you in though, if that’s okay. It’s the first time I’ve seen my boyfriend as an openly gay man, and Mum and Dad are away so we’ve been celebrating rather heavily.’
‘You can spare me the details. Just send Ben a text, will you? He thought you might have stopped answering calls because you were being hounded by the press.’
‘We’ve just been a bit busy, that’s all, but I promise I’ll call him back later.’
I think he’s about to head back inside, but then he pauses and says, ‘I did it for you as well, you know.’
A frown creases my brow. ‘What do you mean?’
‘All this stuff with Georgina, it’s my fault it had to happen. But Ben won’t need to keep it up now everyone can see him for who he really is.’
‘Oh, Bailey. You didn’t have to do that.’
‘Didn’t have to, but I wanted to. Seeing how miserable you both were got me thinking about how I’d feel if I were in either of your shoes. It would break my heart if I was forced apart from Jasper. He makes me happy every single day. He’s shown me how amazing it feels to be in love. I want you and Ben to be able to have that again.’
I look down, too choked up to speak.
‘Just talk to him, will you?’ he says. ‘If you’ve got even the slightest chance at happiness, it would be such a shame to waste it.’
I tell him I’ll give it some thought as I turn away.
His words don’t stop swirling round my head on the drive back to Dad’s. Could I get past the hurt of the last few weeks and start over with Ben if he was no longer with Georgina? Or are we too detached now? Is it simply too late? What I conclude is that while I do want to speak to Ben to let him know his brother is fine– because I’d be willing to bet Bailey will be too distracted to do it himself for a while yet– I need more time to work out exactly how I feel about the prospect of a reconciliation before I’m ready for a more emotional conversation.
Ben appears to have other ideas, though. ‘I’ve finished with Georgie,’ he blurts out straight after thanking me for looking in on Bailey.
It sends a shiver right through me. ‘Already?’ It’s like he could read his brother’s mind.
‘I didn’t want to mislead her for another minute,’ he says. ‘You know how much I hated the dishonesty.’
‘Did she take it okay?’ I don’t know why I feel the need to check.
‘She was just a bit worried about how it would make her look. But I told her she can frame it however she likes. I’m not concerned if people think it was her who ended it.’
I listen as he takes a deep breath, then he asks the one question I think I’m craving and dreading in equal measure. ‘So do you think there’s any chance you and I could get back together?’ When I don’t answer immediately, he adds, ‘I know some crappy things have happened, but I miss you, Lily. I miss our banter. I don’t want us to not be in each other’s lives.’
But still I hesitate, because as much as it’s killed me, I’ve spent days trying to convince myself I’m better off out of this. And while I might once have wished things could be different, can I honestly say being with Ben would make me happy now I have a clearer picture of what our future would look like? Occasional days snatched together when our schedules align, a few weeks of quality time in the summer, but having to survive with just video calls the rest of the time. Would that ever feel like enough?
‘Is that a no?’ he asks when I’ve been silent for too long.
I close my eyes and sigh. ‘You are, hands down, the most amazing guy I’ve ever met, Ben. Your sense of humour, your kindness...’ I laugh softly before I add, ‘Your body. But we can’t get away from the one thing that’s always going to stop this from being perfect– the distance. So we’ve got to be realistic, no matter how much it hurts. If you were here, it would be a different story, but I just don’t know that it could ever work while you’re up in Millford.’
‘I don’t think we should write it off before we’ve properly tried,’ he says. ‘We were so determined to keep it going before Georgina became an issue. I still believe we can make a go of it, especially now we won’t have to hide it.’
The reminder of how optimistic we both were before he left brings a tear to my eye. It seems impossible that we could get so quickly from there to here, but I’m still not sure there’s anything he can say that will change my mind.
‘Can we at least keep the conversation open?’ he asks. ‘Maybe talk about it again when everything’s had a chance to settle down?’
And I agree that’s the best way to leave things for now, because it wouldn’t be so hard to let him go if a small part of me didn’t still wish things could be like they were before.