Chapter 25
JAMISON
My soul is shattered as I cry in Dori’s arms. The agony of everything I’ve lost attacks me like a million wasp stings. My parents. My son. Our baby. And now this.
She doesn’t want kids.
She doesn’t want what I want.
More waves of tears flow. “Why can’t we get it right?”
“Get what right?” She strokes the back of my head.
“Us.” The word hangs thick in the air.
Dori hugs me tighter—like she’ll lose me if she doesn’t.
I wish I could hold in my emotions, but she broke the dam when she told me to let it out. I need her comfort more than anything.
Admitting that isn’t the most masculine thing, but it doesn’t matter. If we can’t make our relationship work, I’m not sure I’ll make it out in one piece.
“I don’t want to lose you too,” I whisper into her ear.
“You won’t. I’m not going anywhere.”
Trust her, Jamison.
I’m asking her to trust me, so I have to give her the same courtesy. She holds me until I step away.
Her wary eyes scan my face. “I’m here for you, Jami. Just like you’ve been telling me. You need to lean on me when something is upsetting you. I need that from you.”
“I know you do.” A rogue tear falls off my lashes and onto my cheek.
She wipes it away. “You’re not going to lose me unless you push me away. Nothing you tell me will make me leave you.”
“Not even?—”
“Nothing. I told you I made a deal with God, and that’s one entity I’m not willing to betray.”
“If I didn’t think you were serious, I’d be laughing.”
She places her hand over my heart. “I’m dead serious. When I thought you were going to die, I prayed for one more chance with you. I know it’s the last one I’ll get, so I’m not fucking around. Not this time and not ever again.”
I run my hands down my face to wipe away my tears. “In that case, can you text Melanie to see if she can give us time to finish our conversation? I don’t want you leaving here with questions running wild in my head. I’m not in the right frame of mind to deal with them alone.”
“Of course.” She takes my hand and leads me out of the nursery. “I want to talk about this too. It’s important, and Melanie will understand. She kinda likes you.”
“Well, the feelings are mutual.”
We take the stairs down, and Dori enters the kitchen to grab her phone from her purse.
She sends a message, then gestures to the stools. “Sit down and let’s talk.”
“Do you want to talk here or in the living room?”
“Where will you be more comfortable?”
I check in with my pain level. Interestingly, I’ve been in less physical pain than I have been emotional. It gives me hope I’m on the upswing of my recovery.
“I’m good wherever you want to be. ”
She nods and bends over, resting on the counter. “Then let’s stay in here. I like looking into your eyes when we talk.”
Warmth fills me to the core. “Who knew you were such a romantic?”
She smiles. “I have many surprises. Give me a chance and I’ll show them to you.”
I sit on the stool and face the woman I adore. I suck in a breath of courage. “Where do we start?”
“How about with you trusting me?”
“That’s a loaded one. Are you sure that’s where you want to begin?”
“Jami,” she warns. “Don’t dismiss your feelings. Tell me how you feel and don’t hide it from me.”
I don’t answer. This topic is harder to talk about than I thought.
She shakes her head. “You know, some might say you need to work on your communication skills.”
My laugh rolls out. “Says the woman who runs and locks herself away anytime I piss her off a little.”
She joins in with the laughter. It’s good. We need to lift some of the heaviness and bring in some joy.
When we’re doing great, that’s what we have. Even when we’ve only been friends, our lives together have been full of happiness.
I sigh. “In all seriousness, I want to do better by trusting you with my emotions. I’ve never had to talk about things. I’m an only child who had parents who catered to my every wish. If I needed something, it was there.”
“I know. You’re one of the lucky ones.” She smiles with longing in her eyes. “I miss your parents.”
Scalding heat surges through me. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“They’d still be here if...”
She rounds the counter and rushes to me. “Don’t do that to yourself. It was an accident. ”
I turn to face her and pull her between my legs. “I know, but they’d still be here if I had been responsible.”
She cups my face. “You have to quit blaming yourself.”
“Some days are better than others. It’s probably just the mood I’m in.”
“Please, talk to me when you’re feeling down.”
“I’ll try, but I’m not used to doing that. It’s a foreign concept to me.”
She twists and pulls out the other stool to sit next to me. She situates herself so our knees are touching.
“Jami, we have a long way to go. Off the top of my head, we have at least five things we need to face together. They won’t be easy obstacles to overcome, but I’m going to fight to make it work with you. Just like you’ve said, it’s what’s meant to be.”
Loving warmth takes hold of my heart and encapsulates me. “How did I get so lucky to have you in my life?”
She raises her eyebrows. “You call it luck?”
“Yes, I do.” I reach behind her neck and pull her into a kiss. We draw apart, and I settle back. “We’ve covered the communication issue, so the next one I think we should discuss is what you just told me upstairs.”
“If I had remembered what today was, I?—”
“Nope. Don’t change the subject. Tell me how you see this playing out.”
She glances down. “I don’t think I can go through it again, Jami. Every time I think about having a baby, I feel like I’m going to die.”
I rub her knee. “What part makes you feel like that?”
“Getting pregnant.” She lifts her head. “You deserve to have a child of your own, and I don’t think I can give you that.”
My chest aches. “Okay, but if you don’t want that, why are we not using condoms? You’ve gotten pregnant twice while you were on the pill. It could happen again. ”
“I have an IUD. They’re ninety-nine percent effective. And let’s face it, the pill didn’t work because I screwed it up. No pun intended.”
She’s always found the strangest times to pull out her wit.
“Noted.” I scoot back to give us space. “What if there were other ways to have kids? I only ask because you were willing to help Hunter, so I’ve got to believe there’s a way for us if that situation ever were to present itself.”
In a flash, she spins off the stool with a fierce energy coming off her.
Fuck.
I knew she’d react this way. I want to hit myself in the head.
Why do I always fuck up with her?
She marches to the other side of the island and glares at me. “Are you planning on fucking someone else?”
Her question ignites a fire in my belly. “You know I wouldn’t do that to you. I was talking about surrogacy or something along those lines. I should’ve phrased it better.”
“Ya think?”
“Dori, calm down. This is the knee-jerk reaction you’ve been telling me you’re working to control.”
She turns to the refrigerator and pulls it open. “Sorry.”
“There are cans of iced tea on the bottom shelf.”
“Thanks.” She grabs a couple and brings one to me. “I’ve never considered surrogacy. How does that work?”
“I don’t have to sleep with the woman, if that’s what you’re asking.”
She rolls her eyes. “I know that, but is it my egg and your sperm?”
“From what I understand, I think that’s the idea.”
“Hmm.” She pops the top of her can, drinks some of her tea, and places it down on the counter. “Is that something you would be okay with?”
I shrug, trying to hide my disappointment. “Sure. I won’t lie. I’d miss seeing you with a baby bump, but I’m not going to torture you and require you to carry my child.”
She paces on the other side of the kitchen with her hands on her hips and her gaze on the floor before her. I keep my mouth shut because I think she’s actually considering this.
I breathe lighter as relief floods my bloodstream. For a minute there, I thought we might be at an impasse.
She stops and peers over at me. “Don’t you find it weird we’re talking about this and we just started dating?”
“I’ve thought about having this type of conversation with you for years. I don’t find it strange. If anything, I find it frustrating that it took us so long.”
Her expression melts, and love streams my way. She comes back to me, works herself between my legs again, and throws her arms around my neck.
“Keep saying things like that, and I won’t hesitate to give you everything you want.”
My heart explodes, and my lips are on hers in seconds. Our tongues twist and roll together in a fit of passion.
I love her so much.
I hope she doesn’t break me.
Anxious waves take over the pleasure of our kiss. I pull away and calm my breathing, knowing we still have a lot to work through. I’m well aware this is the honeymoon stage.
I gesture to my bedroom. “Before I drag you back to bed and you miss saying goodbye to Melanie, let’s get back on track.”
She rests her hands on my shoulders. “You’re right, but this communication thing seems to be working.”
“Just think of how far we’d be if we had started this way.” I slide my palms under her shirt and run them over her velvety waist. “So, what do you think about having kids?”
“I want to talk to Samantha before I say anything, but for the first time since...” She lowers her head. “That day almost killed me, Jami. ”
I pull her into me and hold her, giving her a minute to face the pain of losing our baby. Tears jump into the corners of my eyes, and I blink them away.
This moment is for her, not me. She strokes the back of my head.
I breathe into our connection. “I got you. Just be with it.”
“It hurts so much. I want it to go away.”
“Me too.”
We might have a mountain to climb, but I know we can make it if we lean on each other like we are right now. For the first time since I started entertaining a future with her, I think we can make it out together.
That’s if…
She leans back with red-rimmed eyes. “I hope one day I don’t carry all this sadness. It’s consuming me.”
“We can talk about this every day until you feel better if that’s what you need.”
“What about you? Don’t you need to talk about it?”
“I don’t want to, but I probably need to.” My soul wraps around hers.
Our love blankets us with the knowledge that we’re finally getting it right. This is what we’ve needed all along. And with how we’re speaking to each other, I know she feels it too.
She takes a deep breath. “Can I ask you a question?”
“You don’t have to ask.”
Her cheeks turn pink. “All this talking made me think of something.”
“What’s that?” I run my hands over her ass and squeeze.
“I should’ve asked before we had sex, but have you been with anyone since we were together? We didn’t use a condom, and I need to know if I have something to be worried about.”
“You don’t have to explain or worry. I haven’t been with anyone since you. I’m clean.”
“But what about the dating app you were on? ”
I puff out a fake laugh. “Leave it to Hunter to put that thought in your mind.”
Her face bunches together. “Why would you say that?”
“Isn’t it obvious? He told you I was on a dating app, didn’t he?”
“No. Melanie told me. I didn’t know he knew that about you.” She steps back and shakes her head.
“Well, he did.”
Her breathing kicks up. “He fucking knew, and that’s one of the things he was holding over you. Am I right?”
I raise my brows. “Yeah. I thought you said he told you everything.”
“I thought he did, but all he said was he dug up dirt on you.” She laughs like she can’t believe she didn’t realize something. “Come to think of it, all I thought he had over you was Lauren and your son.”
“Yeah, no. He had a laundry list of things.”
“Like what?” Her tone suggests I better not surprise her with something else I’ve kept from her.
I take the warning seriously and square my shoulders.
Time to man up.
“He had Lauren and Aricin, and he knew I had gone on a couple of dates?—”
“A couple? I thought there was only Julie.”
Shit.
“There was another woman. I don’t even remember her name.” My stomach flips. “Maybe we should step back and take this one issue at a time.”
Dori’s eyes stay hooked with mine. “I’m not upset that you went out with anyone. Jealous as fuck, but not mad. I know why you did it, but I’m furious he knew and didn’t tell me.
“Instead, he threatened you so you’d stay away from me. Then you went after him. I feel like a pawn. It hits a little too close to home.”
“I understand, but that’s not what I was doing when I went after him. When I started playing his game, all I did was tell him to back off and let you make your own decision.
“The exact rule was not to pursue you, but if you came to one of us, that was fine. I didn’t want to manipulate you, and I didn’t want him to either.”
“Okay, that’s good information to have.” Her stance relaxes. “What else did he have on you?”
“He helped fuel the rumors about me and Melanie being an item.”
“No. He wouldn’t do that to me.”
“Um, yeah, he would. He did.”
She looks off to the side. “Why would he want to hurt me like that?”
“He wanted you to believe I was moving on with your best friend.”
Her eyes fill with disbelief. “Wow. I feel like I barely know that side of him.”
I shrug. “You didn’t because he didn’t want you to see it.”
“Is there anything else he had on you?”
“He was threatening to let Aiden know about us.”
She shakes her head. “Just how did Hunter know that would bother Aiden? Did you tell him?”
“No. I don’t know how Hunter figured that out, but he’s resourceful, so I’m not surprised.”
“This is hard to believe. I had no idea he was being so ruthless.”
I raise my brows. “You told me he could be ruthless. Why would you think he wouldn’t be that way with me?”
“I just thought he was different when it came to me. He never showed that side of himself when I was around. Sure, he got upset, and we would fight, but...”
“No. If anything, he was worse.” I consider telling her about his threat to Chuck.
My phone vibrates with a call. “I have to take this. Mateo was going to call me back. ”
“That’s fine. I’ll wait.”
I reach into the front pouch of my sweatshirt and pull out my phone. I glance at the screen, and my blood drains into the abyss.
Fucking great.
As if this time with Dori couldn’t get any worse.