Chapter 22
I’m jolted awake by the soft creak of the door.
“Hey… are you okay?” Olivia whispers, perching on the edge of my bed.
“No… but I will be,” I murmur, voice rough and tight.
She hesitates, then sits on Noah’s bed across the room. “He said you weren’t doing great…”
“No, I’m not,” I admit, blinking back tears. “I don’t think he actually loved me. I think he loved the version of me that existed in his head. The version he wanted. And when I told him I didn’t want a baby… he went and knocked up another girl? His logic doesn’t make any sense.”
I swallow hard, voice cracking. “From what I hear, Jessica… she’s kind of always been around. Maybe it was his way of… paying me back, or some twisted version of revenge for Sydney? I don’t know.”
My hands tremble as I hug my knees to my chest. “You know, Liv… I don’t think I’m grieving him. I think I’m grieving myself. The person I was before all of this, the person I trusted, the person I believed in. I lost her somewhere along the way.”
Olivia doesn’t say anything at first, she just reaches over and squeezes my shoulder. The silence is warm, grounding, and I let myself lean into it, even as the tears keep threatening to fall.
“What do you mean?”
“I gave him everything,” I say, my voice unraveling.
“Absolutely all of me – and it was still never enough. I was his punching bag. Every time something went wrong, I was the target. Little by little, he broke me down until I started defending his shitty behavior and questioning my own worth.” My chest tightens, tears spilling over.
“I’ve always known who I am… well who I was…
I was confident. I was kind, compassionate, a damn good person.
And now…” I shake my head, my voice breaking.
“Now I don’t even recognize myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. ”
I look at her, desperate and exhausted. “How did I get here, Liv?”
“I don’t know, honey,” Olivia says gently.
“But he seems… unhinged now. And I really think you’re better off without him.
If you hadn’t gotten out when you did, I honestly don’t know where…
or how… this would’ve ended. That terrifies me.
” She reaches for my hand, squeezing it.
“What I do know, is you are … and always have been…a damn good person. But he took something from you. You’re not the same girl you were before him, and that doesn’t mean you’re broken.
It just means you need to find what he stole.
” Her voice softens, almost hopeful. “And when you get that sparkle back? You’re going to shine brighter than ever. ”
She hesitates, then asks quietly, “So… what’s going to happen with you and Noah?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I know I don’t want to get back together with him.” I take a slow breath. “And I’m not na?ve to the fact that there’s still chemistry there. There always has been. But I don’t think I’m in the right mental space to even start figuring out what we are, or what we could be.”
My voice softens, heavy with truth. “He hurt me deeply, Liv. He lied to my face for months, over and over again. And with our history… that’s not something I can just move past. I don’t even know if I should.”
“Well, babes,” Olivia says softly, “I know he hurt you. Badly. And he knows he fucked up, we all do. But he owned it. He didn’t run.
He tried to make it right.” She pauses, choosing her words carefully.
“And even if you don’t end up dating again…
maybe don’t give up on the friendship just yet.
At the end of the day, do you really want to cut ties with your best friend since diapers?
” Her voice drops, gentler now. “He loves you, Bella. We all know he does. And I think… deep down, you know it too.”
She doesn’t push further, just lets the truth sit between us, heavy but honest.
“Yeah… I guess you’re right,” I say quietly. “But I can’t be in two places at once… emotionally or physically. My trust in men right now is about as low as it gets. I’d be constantly anxious, waiting for there to be another girl on the side, and I don’t think I can handle that.”
I take a breath, grounding myself. “I need to heal from this summer before I can even think about another relationship.”
I slide my legs off the bed and stand. “I’m going to go sit out back for a bit. Wanna join?”
“No, I’m good,” she says. “But take a blanket, it’s a little chilly out there. And I really don’t need Soph bitching me out because you caught a cold,” she adds with a wink as she heads into the kitchen with Brad.
For August, the wind coming off the water carries an unexpected chill.
I wrap myself in a light blanket and perch on the edge of a lounge chair, watching the colors bleed out of the sky and into the water.
I can’t believe I only have two weeks left with them.
I guess that’s what growing up does… it shortens everything you wish you could hold onto longer.
This summer wasn’t supposed to look like this.
The universe clearly had other plans. Instead of the carefree summer we’d talked about our whole lives, we were pulled in different directions, wrapped up in everything but each other.
Then came Brad’s accident. My illness. It all went up in smoke.
And somehow, through all of it, it brought us back together in the end.
The deck creaks softly behind me, and a moment later Noah steps out. “Oliver said he’ll be back tomorrow.”
He hesitates before settling down behind me, careful, deliberate. His arms wrap around me slowly, like he’s making sure I’m okay with it, and I lean back into him without even thinking. My muscles finally relax, tension easing in a way I didn’t realize I needed.
“Is it okay if I sit here?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I say softly. “I can’t really lounge yet, and you being here actually gives my muscles a break. Thank you for asking, though.”
When Noah touches me, I feel safe. Grounded. Like I’ve come home. He’s always felt like that, long before we ever dated, long before things got complicated.
“Can I tell you something, Bella?” he whispers near my ear, his breath sending a shiver straight through me.
“You can tell me anything, Noah,” I say without hesitation. “You know that.”
He exhales slowly, his arms tightening just a fraction.
“When I was in the ED… when it was just me and your parents,” he starts, voice low and unsteady, “I kind of broke down. I kept thinking that if anything happened to you, if I lost you, I wouldn’t survive it.
And that scared the hell out of me.” He pauses, resting his forehead against the back of my head.
“I don’t know what that means. I’m not asking for anything. I just… needed you to know.”
I close my eyes, listening to the waves, to his heartbeat behind me. Whatever comes next, whatever we are or aren’t, I know one thing for sure.
I’m not alone.
He goes quiet for a long moment, arms still around me, like he’s steadying himself.
“When I thought I was going to lose you,” Noah says finally, voice rough, “everything else stopped mattering. All the shit I thought I wanted, all the noise in my head, it just went silent. And all I could think was – please don’t take her from me.
” I feel his grip tighten slightly, protective but careful.
“I’ve loved you for a long time, Isabel,” he admits.
“Before we ever dated. After we broke up. Even when I tried to convince myself I didn’t.
Loving you has never been the hard part. ”
My chest aches.
“I know I hurt you,” he continues, words tumbling now.
“I know I broke your trust, and I don’t expect anything from you.
I’m not asking you to forgive me, or choose me, or even understand me right now.
” He swallows. “I just couldn’t sit here with you and not tell you the truth anymore.
” He rests his forehead against my shoulder.
“I love you. Not the idea of you. Not the version that fits into my life. You. As you are. And I’ll love you even if all I ever get to be is the person who sits beside you when things fall apart. ”
I don’t turn around. I don’t say anything right away. I just let his words settle, heavy and real, as the ocean hums in front of us.
And for the first time in a long time, love doesn’t feel like a burden.
It feels like something I get to choose.
“I love you too, Noah,” I say quietly. “But I’m not in love with you anymore.”
I take a breath before continuing. “Let’s just see how the rest of the summer goes. I leave in two weeks, and I want to spend as much time as I can with you three before we all go our separate ways.” I hesitate, then ask softly, “But… are you going to be okay when we leave?”
He doesn’t answer right away. Then he gives a small, steady smile.
“I’m always going to be okay,” Noah says. “You’re only a short drive away, and the other two are just a few hours out. This isn’t goodbye… it’s just a new version of us.”
His words settle warmly between us, and for the first time in a while, the future doesn’t feel so terrifying.
I turn back around, watching the last hints of pink dissolve into deep, dark blue.
I’m just here, soaking in the moment with Noah, listening to the waves, and for once this summer, I’m not worrying about the next shoe dropping.
I’m just… here. Present. Eventually, the stars come out, and I fall asleep beside him, the steady rhythm of the ocean and his presence lulling me into calm.
I stir awake to the soft shake of my shoulder.
“Bella… hey, wake up,” Noah whispers, his voice low and careful.
My eyes flutter open, disoriented. “Huh… what time is it?” I murmur, still half in the haze of sleep.
“Two a.m.,” he says quietly. “Come on, it’s freezing out here. Let’s go inside before you catch a cold.”
I groan, pulling the blanket tighter around me, but allow him to help me up. My muscles protest, but the warmth of his presence makes the motion easier. We slowly make our way back into the house, the sound of the waves fading behind us, and settle inside where it’s warm and safe.
Noah wraps the blanket around both of us as we sink onto the couch. “Better?” he murmurs.
“Much,” I reply, curling against him.
A sigh of contentment escapes me, soft and unguarded.
“You okay, Isabel?” Noah whispers in my ear, nuzzling into my neck. The warmth of him sends shivers over my whole body.
I press a hand to his arm, feeling the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.
“No… but I will be,” I murmur, letting the words carry both promise and truth.
He tightens his hold ever so slightly, as if reassuring me without needing to say a word.
For the first time in a long while, it feels like everything might actually be okay.
I lay there for a long while, just listening to his steady breathing, feeling the beat of his heart pressed against my back. I had missed this… missed him. And yet, the hole that still lingered in my chest throbbed a little sharper.
Somehow, I felt more whole with Liam finally out of my life than I ever had when he was in it.