Chapter 5
CHAPTER 5
DORI
Jami squeezes my hand, hurting me. I glance his way so I can figure out what is going on with him.
The nurse peeks up from her chart. “Have you had any spotting with the pain?”
“No.” My eyes stay on Jami.
He’s smiling and is still about to sever my hand in two. Confusion swarms around me as I try to get him to ease his grip. The nurse keeps me focused with more questions.
“Tell me about the pain.” She studies me as she waits for me to respond.
My nerves jump up a notch as Jami relaxes his hand and dials in on how I answer the question.
“It comes and goes.” I think about it more. “Actually, it’s always there. But it’s achy like I’m having terrible cramps. My lower back hurts. The shooting pain is more random. It’s sharp and jarring, making me lose my breath at times.”
Jami shifts, so I glance at him. His expression is tight and pulled together. He’s more than concerned with something I just said. My eyebrows draw down.
Should I be scared?
I was already fearful something was wrong with me, but now the fright is being doused over me like kerosene. I hope nobody lights a match or I might go up in flames.
Right as I’m about to pass out from my sudden terror, my gynecologist steps into the room. “Good afternoon, Dori.”
“Hi, Dr. Ring. How are you?” I ask.
My doctor trades places with the nurse. As they do, my doctor nods to the nurse. She walks over to an ultrasound machine and pulls it closer to me. Jami squeezes my hand again when he realizes what it is.
Dr. Ring’s relaxed stance puts me at ease. My heart starts to pitter-patter, but I hold my breath and wait.
“I’m well, thank you. And who might you be?” Dr. Ring places her hand out to Jami.
“I’m the boyfriend, Jamison Stone.” He holds out his hand and shakes hers.
“It’s nice to have you join us.” She sits on a rolling stool before me. “Do I have your permission to speak openly while your partner’s in the room?”
I’m still processing the boyfriend comment, but I nod anyway. “It helps to have him here.”
She smiles warmly. “Of course it does. Since you’re probably anxiously waiting, your test came out positive. You are pregnant.”
Unexpected joy takes over. I start to turn to Jami, but he’s up and hugging me before I can. I laugh into his chest and can’t believe I’m happy about this. It’s a less-than-ideal situation.
I half expected them to tell me I was making the symptoms up in my head. I should be crying and panicking, but I’m not. Instantly, I’m settled. All my worries about work and Hunter fall to the side.
Jami pulls away and excitement bursts from his eyes. He kisses me over and over with little pecks all over my face.
“I see this is good news,” Dr. Ring interrupts our celebration. “I want to discuss a few things before we do the initial ultrasound to ensure everything is progressing normally.”
Jami sits beaming proudly, and I can’t help but bask in it all. Oliver yelled at me for days when I told him I was pregnant, so this reaction from Jami has my heart blowing up into a gigantic love balloon.
“About the pains you’re having. There are several reasons why that could be happening. Your uterus growing is one of those. The other is you have a significant UTI, which may be the source of the pain.
“There’s blood in your urine. You need to start an antibiotic today. The infection could also be causing you to feel run-down.” She pauses for me to respond.
Jami cuts in before I can say anything. “What does that mean for the baby?”
“It means we’ll treat her with an antibiotic that’s safe for the baby and watch her for further complications.” She addresses me. “Since we’re aware you have one, I’ll be on high alert, looking for any signs of it returning.”
I nod, but Jami isn’t satisfied with her response. “And if it returns, what then?”
I didn’t think he’d be this nervous, but he’s pale and tense. I’m trying to figure out why, then it hits me. He has no family left. He must be terrified of losing anything he loves. His parents’ deaths must have him about to jump out of his skin with anxiety.
“We’ll be monitoring her closely. The worst thing that could happen is it could turn into a kidney infection. That could cause early labor and low birth weight, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” She gives him a stern look. “We’ll make sure she’s progressing as expected if that becomes a concern.”
“It’s already a concern.” He stands and faces me with panic and agony dripping from his eyes. “An early labor is bad?—”
“Jami, sit down. You’re making me nervous, and that’s not good for anyone.” I gently smile and dip my head to show him his seat.
He hesitates, purposely changes his expression, and sits. “I apologize, Dr. Ring. I just worry about her. Sorry, Dori. I’m not trying to hijack your appointment. I’ll try to stay quiet.”
“It’s fine, but there’s a lot more to get through.” I address Dr. Ring. “Go on. We’ll do our best not to interrupt anymore.”
“His concern is understandable, but you’re correct. There’s a lot more to cover.” She nods. “I’m aware you had a late-term miscarriage approximately five years ago, but that shouldn’t have any effect on your current situation.”
“Okay.” My chest grows tight.
She tilts her head and flashes me a warm expression. “The pains you’re experiencing could also be caused by endometriosis. As I’m doing your pelvic exam, I’ll do my best to feel for any signs. The ultrasound will be able to detect if you do, and that will give us better information.”
Shit.
Something is wrong with me.
It’s my turn to panic. “And if I have endometriosis, how does that affect the pregnancy?”
Dr. Ring softens her posture. “You’re already high risk since you had the late-term miscarriage. Endometriosis can complicate a pregnancy, but it’s not a definite deterrent.
“Many women with this diagnosis go on to have healthy pregnancies with no complications. If you have it, that’ll be something we watch closely as well.”
My gaze travels to my stomach. Jami’s hand slides to my lap. “She said they’ll watch it. She’s the professional, so we can trust her.”
My eyes connect with his. His support overflows and my soul falls in love with him that much more.
I swallow the fear in my throat. He stands and leans over to hug me. We take a minute to sink into the weight of it all .
“I’m so glad you’re here with me.” I wrap my arms around his shoulders.
“Me too,” he whispers into my ear. He kisses my neck and pulls away.
We face Dr. Ring and the nurse. They smile as the nurse turns on the monitor and sets up the ultrasound machine.
“Let’s take a look.” Dr. Ring pulls the table and stirrups out. “Time to lie back and I’ll do a quick pelvic exam. After that, we’ll go right into the ultrasound to make sure you’re progressing well.”
I scoot down and get adjusted as I lie back. Jami stands and moves the pillow under my head.
“Are you comfortable?” He lovingly runs the back of his fingers over my cheek.
I laugh quietly. “Not particularly, but I’m perfectly fine.”
He smirks and shrugs. “I’m a guy. I’m allowed to say dumb things in a situation like this.”
With that, Dr. Ring does her exam. As she presses and feels around, painful breaths slip from my lips. Each time it happens, Jami peers down at me with his brow furrowed.
I try to control my breathing, but he sees right through me. She presses on my left side and pushes up from the inside. Pain shoots like a lightning strike and I gasp.
He pins me with a concerned stare. That heave has him more than worried. He holds my hand, then peeks over and studies Dr. Ring. She completes the exam and prepares for the ultrasound.
“I suspect you have endometriosis. I felt a couple of areas of concern, but let’s double-check with an internal scan. This is a transvaginal ultrasound, just so you’re prepared.” She nods to the nurse, who flips the screen on and pushes some buttons.
Dr. Ring prepares the wand and begins the exam. The screen fills with black-and-white fuzz.
I know what to expect since I’ve done this before. When the doctor keeps adjusting the ultrasound tool to show different views of my womb, I get confused.
She pauses for a minute and glances at their notes. She returns to the machine, types letters in code, and takes pictures of areas in my uterus.
The nurse takes the notes and reads them. “She’s six weeks along. Almost seven.”
The doctor goes back to working through my insides with the wand, and the pressure goes higher. She studies one side and then moves to the next.
Jami holds my hand while his other hand runs over his beard repeatedly. His eyes are stuck to the screen. He's clearly disturbed and barely breathing.
“I can confirm you have endometriosis. Let’s talk about this pain you’re having. Is it all over, or can you pinpoint it?” Dr. Ring continues to press the instrument higher.
“It usually starts on the left, but it makes its way down.” My heart pumps faster as I get a sinking feeling in my gut.
“And you’ve had no spotting or bleeding?” She takes another sweep higher on the left side.
“No,” I whisper.
Right as I say it, she stops moving. She examines something, types a few letters, and makes a line across a specific area. She takes a few still pictures of it.
My gaze flits to Jami’s. He’s still staring at the screen, but he senses my eyes on him. He swallows and peers down at me, forcing a smile.
My love balloon pops and my chest heats as tears race their way into my eyes. One slips out and trickles off the side of my face and into my hair.
He wipes it away with his thumb and shakes his head. His eyes gloss over and he glances away to hide his reaction.
Dr. Ring does a few more things as I wait for her to find the embryonic sac. There isn’t one in my uterus. I just don’t know why. She told me I was pregnant, so my brain is seeking something that makes sense.
She pulls the wand out of me and wipes away the lubrication. The nurse shuts down the machine and moves it away while keeping her head down.
“Let me help you up.” Dr. Ring holds out her hand and pulls me to a seated position.
My body empties as my world comes crashing down. Jami sits next to me in the chair with his head hung low. I already know what’s coming, so I try to go somewhere out of my body.
If only I could bolt out of this room and out of the building before I have to endure my heart being ripped out of my chest, I might survive. I need to be numb for this conversation.
Dr. Ring’s voice floats with sympathy. “You have an ectopic pregnancy. It won’t survive and it’s life-threatening if we leave it untreated.”
I nod and stare down at my hands. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t think it would be this. Tears fall, but I cry in silence. Jami bends over his legs and rubs his face.
“We'll need to administer a shot that stops the pregnancy from progressing. We’ll monitor you and your hormone levels closely to ensure it’s effective and that you’re out of harm's way.” She pauses and glances between us. “I’m sorry for the bad news. Do you have any questions?”
“Will she be safe through all this? She’s not going to hemorrhage or anything that could—” He chokes on his words and can’t finish talking.
“We’ll be monitoring her closely. For now, we need to set up the administration of the medication and get her hormone levels recorded. I’ll leave you two for a minute while I get that set up. Administering the medication needs to be done immediately.” She stands and leaves the room.
My pain mixes with Jami’s, creating a pool of unbearable anguish. It takes all but three seconds before he has me buried in his chest, holding me tighter than ever before. We don’t say a word.
Agony rips into us and draws out our cries. I cling to his shirt as his shoulders shake. We weep into each other until we’re both covered and wet with the other’s tears.
Unspoken dreams of what we could’ve had get stripped away with no reprieve. Grief reaches through the dirt and pulls us into a suffering that asphyxiates us with its filth.
We take turns clamoring for desperate air, but the oxygen it takes to live is thin and limited. Neither one of us is getting enough to fill our lungs.
The doctor comes back a while later and explains the procedure while we try to put our broken pieces back together. Jami gets all the follow-up information, warning signs, and a list of things I’m not allowed to eat, drink, or do.
At this point, it doesn’t matter. I just want to go home and sleep for the next three months. I’ve been through this before and that’s about the time it took me to be able to breathe again.
Jami takes a pillow off my bed and brings it to me, where I’m lying on the couch. “Aiden thinks we’re working late. That gives us a few hours before he’ll start wondering where I am.”
I take the pillow from him and place it behind my head. “Aiden sent me a text a minute ago. He said he was going out for a while but didn’t say what he was doing.
“Melanie sent me a message right after and asked if I cared if she went out with him. I told her to take her time and keep him out late. ”
My heart is broken. I’m lost, swimming in a moldy marsh of despair that’s thick and holds me down.
Jami tries to keep it together and be strong, but his blue eyes are glossy with tears sitting right beneath the surface. He’s barely been able to make eye contact with me.
He sits next to me on the sofa, so I shift closer to the back cushion to give him more space. He moves my hair away from my face and tucks it behind my ear. His hand slides down my body and gently rests on my stomach.
“I’d like to stay with you tonight if you’ll let me.” His eyes radiate with care as he stares down at me.
I place my hand on his, grateful he’s here with me. “That’s unnecessary, and Aiden would wonder why you aren’t there. There’s no way he wouldn’t come over here looking for you.”
“You need me and I’ll deal with Aiden.”
“You’re willing to lose him now? What for Jami? You gain nothing. If anything, it’ll make everything worse.” I shake my head against the pillow. “I can’t deal with that on top of this. He’ll lose control and it’ll be a disaster.”
Jami glances at my abdomen, and agony smears across his face. My chest collapses as guilt and shame blanket me.
I didn’t think about it until this very second, but now I realize I’m hurting Jami just by being near him. Just looking at me is a reminder of one more thing that has been taken from him.
How could he not be upset with me? I’ve hurt him every day since the night we shared with each other. And now this. I’ve torn his heart out of his chest.
He might always hate me for this, even if he never admits it to me. The pain in his eyes is enough to tell me everything I need to know.
My phone vibrates on my stomach. It slides off my belly and falls between the back of the couch and my hip. I reach for it and bring it before my eyes.
Hunter’s number illuminates my screen. I close my eyes and bring my lips between my teeth. Knowing him, he won’t stop trying to reach me until he does. My cell continues vibrating, so I press the answer button.
“Hi, Hunter.”
Jami’s head lowers. He takes the hint, getting up and giving me space so Hunter and I can talk. I roll to my side and face the back of the couch.
Hunter's voice croons. “Hey, beauty. I’m calling to check on you. How did your doctor’s appointment go?”
I outline the stitching of my couch cushion with my fingernail as I block my emotions. “It could have gone better. I’m resting on my couch because I’m tired and not feeling well.”
“Then you’ll be pleased to know I’m getting ready to turn onto your street. I’ll be up in a few minutes to take care of you for the rest of the night.”
Shit!
And I thought this day couldn’t get any worse.