Chapter 10
Ten
RHOADS
It feels a bit ridiculous to make a snow globe for my best friend.
But I need to do something with my hands to channel all this pent-up energy. Soccer helps some, at least, with getting out the aggression and more destructive emotions. When I’m sitting here with just my supplies and my memories, I can slow down. Feel the other stuff.
I dump out the bag I got from Stuff ‘n’ Things this morning before work. It all rolls across my workshop table, and I gather it back into a pile.
I pick up a few of the Legos first and turn them over in my hands. A faint smile appears on my face as I remember the time Jenson and I stayed up all night building with the tiny colored bricks. And I mean literally all night.
We were probably eight or so at the time, and it was summer. Our first sleepover.
My mom came to check on us at seven in the morning, and neither of us had slept a wink. We’d almost finished a giant castle and were both laughing hysterically over the fact that the tiny Lego knight’s helmet kept falling off. Jenson was pretending the dragon was eating it.
It shouldn’t have been funny, except it totally was, in the way that the dumbest of things are when you’re exhausted.
My mom was a little mad at first that we hadn’t slept, but I assume she could see our friendship bond forming and decided to let it go. She made us pancakes and bacon, and after we’d had our fill, we went back to my room, and we both fell fast asleep for hours until almost dinner time.
It’s memories like this that make life right now so much harder. Jenson and I have been friends for our entire lives. We’ve been through a lot together, and we’ve always had each other’s backs.
But now there’s nothing I can do to help him. So instead, I’m making this dumb globe in the hopes that it will make him smile. I don’t know if something this small will matter at all, but I have to do something, and this is what my brain and therapist have come up with.
While I work, I try to push out the guilt of the sparks of joy I felt at Stuff ‘n’ Things. Running into Chloe was so unexpected and absolutely the best part of my day.
I love how she teased me about the stuff in my cart, though I wasn’t quite ready to share what the supplies were for.
The lighthearted banter and seeing her smile were enough to lift my spirits all day. But is it selfish of me to feel this way when Jenson’s lying in a hospital bed healing broken bones and internal organs?
Shouldn’t I suffer with him?
I spend all evening surrounded by the smell of wood, working and turning over my conflicting thoughts.
When I glue the base on the globe and set it out to dry, I finally breathe.
It will be dry by the next time I visit him.
Candace, his sister, said they moved him into the long-term care unit, and that gives me a little comfort. Better than the ICU.
If he could see me all in my feelings like this, he’d tell me to shut up and live my life. He’d be disappointed that I’m caught up in guilt on his behalf. I’ve hidden it all behind a smile and bad jokes every time I’ve walked into that sterile room that knocks the wind out of me.
But he’s probably right. Little pieces of light in the darkness help us get through. It’s why we carry flashlights into the woods at night.
The doctors did say something about positive energy being good for Jenson. If I go there in Eeyore-mode, it’s not going to help anyone heal.
I run my hand through my hair and stave off the thoughts swirling around that maybe he’ll never be back to normal. Maybe we won’t get to do the same things we used to do together. And the worst part of all is that I don’t know whether he blames me or not. I’m too scared to ask.
Even though my mom and Candace and the doctors and my therapist all assure me it’s not my fault, I still blame myself. They tell me there’s nothing I could have done. But then, if that’s true, why do I feel like I’ve betrayed my best friend?
I rub my stinging eyes. Is it even fair to try to date Chloe while all of this is going on? Spending time with her brightens my outlook, but is it possible to get close to her without dragging her down with me?
She’s worked hard all summer to get over Graham and get her game in top shape. Would being with me negate all that hard work?
And is it selfish of me to ask for her attention when I know all she’s been through over the past few months?
Even if the answer is yes, I don’t know if I’m a good enough person to stay away.