Chapter 32 Piercings, Tats, and Trauma
Chapter thirty-two
Piercings, Tats, and Trauma
Beau
“You know, we can put that on a plate and warm it up,” I say to Jo who is digging a fork into the now-cold ziti.
“I don’t need either of those things,” she replies while grabbing another forkful.
I take a look at her. She sits on my kitchen counter, wearing nothing but my t-shirt. Her hair is pulled into a messy bun, and she is quietly humming and dancing to whatever song is stuck in her head.
It’s like this is the best dream, and I never want to wake up. Never did I think I’d have any type of relationship with Jo, let alone seeing her wearing my t-shirt after we fucked.
How is this even real?
Jo notices me staring. “What? Do I have something on my face?”
“No,” I laugh. “I just like looking at you. You’re gorgeous.”
She looks almost as though the compliment makes her uncomfortable, but she smiles anyway. “You’re not so bad yourself.”
Before I can say anything else, she adds, “Now, shut up and grab a fork, Stephenson.”
I do and grab a bite of ziti.
After another bite of her own, “Damn, Beau. When you said you could cook, I kind of thought you were bullshitting me, but this is actually really good.”
“I’m glad you like it. I have to tell you, though, it’s way better heated up.”
“Eh, better to keep my expectations low to begin with,” she jokes. “I’m afraid that now that you’ve started feeding me, you’re going to have to keep doing it. I’m like a stray cat.”
I smile. “Challenge accepted.”
“Ten years later, and you’re still taking care of me.” There’s a hint of sadness behind her words.
“Hey.” I grab her chin and angle it until her eyes meet mine. “Jo Lawson has never needed anyone to take care of her. I know that hasn’t changed.”
Her eyes fall down to her hands again. “I just feel like I’ve wasted a lot of time.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing.” She readjusts her messy bun. “Forget it.”
I grab her hands. “Hey, talk to me. If it’s bothering you, I want to know about it.”
Her tongue swipes over her bottom lip as if she’s trying to decide whether or not to tell me. After a deep breath, she begins, “I left this town almost a decade ago. I come back, and everyone is so much further in life than me.”
“Jo, you can’t compare yourself to other people.”
“I can when I have a valid reason to. Look at you, Beau. You have a good job.”
I cock an eyebrow at her. “At the same place you work?”
“Let’s be serious. I’m working there because my brother-in-law owns it.
My mother asked a favor, and no one wants to tell that woman no.
You’re an actual mechanic. And you have a house and a dog and a real life.
Meanwhile, I have nothing. I told myself I was living while I was away, but all I have to show for it are a couple of dirty piercings, a slew of new tattoos, and a buttload of trauma. ”
I move closer to her, standing in between her legs. “Number one, I really like the tats and piercings. Those were a welcome surprise. As for the trauma, I’m always here to talk about that too if you want.”
“Not tonight.” Her lips pull into a weak smile. “It’s been too good of an evening to ruin.”
Although I’m curious to know what she’s referring to, I don’t dare push her. That’s an easy way to incur the wrath of Jo.
“I just feel like I wasted a lot of time.” She shrugs as if trying to act like it’s no big deal.
“Jo, just because the road you went on was different doesn’t mean it was bad. You’ve seen much more of the world than I have. I went to college, but I ended up right back here.”
“Yeah, I guess,” she mumbles. “What brought you back to town?”
It’s becoming clear that she doesn’t have any idea of what has gone on since she left. While this will probably be a mood killer, I figure she’s going to find out eventually.
“Jo, my dad and brother died.”
“What?”
I nod. “Brian went first in a car accident, and then, Dad died of a heart attack six months later. I came home to be with my mom and to grieve, and I didn’t want to leave again.”
Jo looks like she wants to cry, but I don’t want her to feel this burden.
“Jo,” I begin, but before I can say anything, she jumps into my arms and wraps her body completely around mine. She’s holding on so tightly that I probably could put my hands at my sides, and she wouldn’t budge.
“Beau, I’m so sorry."
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I should’ve been here.”
“I promise you. I’m okay.”
She just hugs me even tighter.
“Do you want me to put you down?” I ask.
“No.”
“Okay, come on,” I say while carrying her out of the kitchen, down the hallway, and into my bedroom. She doesn’t let go until she feels the mattress beneath her.
I tuck her under the covers before crawling in next to her.
We sit in silence for a few minutes before she whispers, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”
It’s crazy to me that for years, I thought that even if Jo apologized, it wouldn’t matter. I’ve envisioned hearing her say those words and me telling her to fuck off. It’s lived rent-free in my mind.
But now, having her actually utter the words doesn’t bring me any sort of satisfaction. Now, all of that is in the past.
I never thought I’d get here, but here we are.
“Jo, it’s in the past. You’re here now. That’s all I care about.”
“You’re too good to me.”
She lifts her head to look at me. “Are we really going to do this thing?”
“This thing?”
“Yeah, between us. This relationship thing. I mean, that’s what you want, right?”
I smile. “Yeah, I would like that. I’ve waited for that for longer than you know. But the real question is do you want it?”
She nods. “You know that thing you said the other night? That big thing?”
“About how I love you?”
“Yeah. That.”
“Yes, I remember.”
She works her bottom lip between her teeth.
“I don’t want to say it back. No! Wait! That’s not what I mean.
” She pauses a moment to gather her thoughts.
“I don’t want to say it back yet. Beau, I’ve said those three words a lot, but I’ve never meant them.
I’ve said them to please someone else or try to convince myself that something was real.
It’s always been an act. I don’t want to do that with you.
When I say it to you, I want it because I truly mean it.
I don’t want this to be fake. I’m not sure I know what love feels like, and I think I need to figure it out. ”
I’ve always known Jo had a softer side. Most people never got to see it because she wouldn’t let them, but I knew what was truly in her heart. Now, she seems to have softened more than ever before.
Pulling her close, I press my lips to hers. “Okay, beautiful. I’ll follow your lead.”
She puts her head back on my chest and gets comfortable. “Do you want me to stay the night?”
“If you think you’re leaving, you’re going to have a fight on your hands,” I joke.
“I have to warn you. I’ll probably be up in a few hours. I never sleep all night…or very rarely anyway.”
“If you wake up, I’ll wake up with you,” I say with a kiss on top of her head.
She mumbles a few more incoherent things before I feel her breathing even out.
And as I drift off right behind her, I can’t help feeling like the luckiest man in the world.