Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
KASS
"You hungry?"
"Not really."
"Okay, well, hopefully you have enough room in your tummy for dinner because I'm making your favorite."
"Homemade pizza!?" She's practically buzzing in her seat.
"You betcha."
"Piiiiizzaaaaaa!" She shakes her fists in the air while she screams her battle cry, and I can't help but laugh.
I love this kid.
"I'm glad you're excited about that. I thought maybe we could invite your Auntie Jade over to have pizza with us."
Her ears perk up, and she looks over at me with big eyes. "Really?"
After my chat with Blake this morning, I did some serious reflecting. In the end, I decided that Blake may be right; maybe Clover needs time with Jade to heal. She's been having more episodes recently where she bursts into tears at the littlest reminders of her mother. It's worth a shot.
"Would you like that?"
"Yeah!"
"Okay. I'll text her and see if she's free."
"Yay! I'm going to clean my room so I can show it to her."
"Works for me."
She runs off, and I'm left sitting on the couch with my own thoughts.
Blake's words ring in my head. Have I been depriving Clover of something she needed to help her heal from the loss of her mom?
Would Daisy be pissed at me if she knew I wasn't allowing her best friend to see her daughter?
Every decision I've made on Clover's behalf for the last two years runs through my head on a conveyor belt as I assess them one by one.
I keep score of how shitty a parent I am for making each of them.
I run my hands through my hair and pull on it.
Have I been fucking this whole thing up?
I get out my phone and call the only other single parent I know, hoping for some answers.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Raina. Are you and Winnie free tonight?"
"Ummm, we're currently at the mall, but we don't have anything planned after."
"Would you guys want to come over for pizza later?"
"Sure. Any particular reason?"
"Umm..." Fuck, how does she know me so well?
"I only ask because you sound a little stressed."
"Oh, you know, I'm just questioning everything I do as a parent and wondering if I'm ruining Clover's life."
"Wow, that sounds very dramatic. We'll be there, and I'll bring some beers. Sounds like you need one."
That's an understatement. "Got anything stronger?"
"Of course I do."
"Hey, Raina... There's one more thing."
"What's up?"
"Jade is going to be here."
"Jade? As in the person we swore to loathe for all eternity, Jade?"
"That's the one."
"May I ask why?"
"I think Clover misses her, and I don't feel right keeping them apart anymore."
"And you want me there as a buffer so you don't accidentally do something you'll regret?"
"No. I'm not worried about that. I could just use some support. That's all."
"What made you change your mind?"
I sigh loud enough so that she can hear me. "That's a whole other story I have to tell you."
"Oooooo. I can't wait to hear all the tea! That's what the kids these days say, right, Winnie?"
"Moooooom." I can hear Winnie groaning in the background. Teenagers get so easily embarrassed. I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to Clover getting there. At least for right now, she still thinks I'm the coolest person ever.
Raina laughs, and I can picture her side hugging Winnie as they walk through the mall and kissing her on the head, only embarrassing her more.
"Alright, anything else you want us to bring?"
"Nope, we should be all set."
"Great. See you tonight."
Raina came over an hour earlier than when I told Jade to be here, and I filled her in on everything that's happened in the last 48 hours. We went through a full array of emotions, from excitement about Blake to sadness over Daisy to anger over Jade to nerves about how tonight is going to go.
Now, the five of us are sitting around the table with four homemade pizzas in front of us. The girls are giggling about something funny on Winnie's phone, and Jade is desperately trying to bond with Clover, like she's trying to make up for the last two years.
Clover was excited to see her, but you know kids; if there's nothing to keep their attention, they lose interest. To be honest, Jade doesn't really know Clover that much anymore.
She was six the last time she saw her. Clover doesn't like the same things she did back then.
Kids change fast, and Jade can see that now.
I'm sure it's disheartening for her, but I can't take back the last two years and make things better for her.
If she wants a relationship with Clover, she's going to have to figure that out for herself.
All I can do is try to stay out of her way as much as I can.
"So, Lovie, what are you learning in school right now?" Jade asks.
"I don't know."
"Come on, they've got to be teaching you something."
"Nobody calls me Lovie anymore, by the way."
"Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. I heard your dad call you that earlier, so I didn't realize."
She shrugs, likely not wanting to explain to Jade that I'm not on the same level as her, something she should understand.
"Do you know how you got that nickname?"
"Ummm. I don't know." Clover shrugs again, not even taking her eyes off Winnie's phone this time.
"Well, when you were little and learning to write your name, you realized that the middle letters of your name spelled 'love'. You got so excited and asked your mom if she named you that on purpose because she loved you so much."
At the mention of her mother, Clover turns all her attention to Jade with a curious look on her face.
"She told you yes, of course, because she didn't want to ruin it by telling you that she named you after a flower like her name, and also that she was so lucky to be your mommy, like a lucky four-leafed clover. You asked her to call you Love instead of Clover, which eventually turned into Lovie."
"I don't remember that."
"Well, it's something I'll never forget." Jade reaches out and grabs Clover's hand. Clover doesn't pull away, just continues to look at Jade, as if silently begging to hear more about her mother.
It breaks my heart.
"I'll be right back." I clear my throat and get up from the table, walking down the hall to my room. As soon as I get the door shut behind me, I break down. I'm not sure if it's due to exhaustion from not sleeping much this weekend or what, but my emotions are getting the best of me.
Raina reassured me that I'm not a bad dad and that I was only doing what I thought was best for Clover.
She doesn't know the full story about what Jade did, but she knows I have a good reason not to trust her.
Has Jade really changed? God, I hope so; otherwise, I'll never be able to forgive myself.
And if she has, then there's someone I really need to thank.
Kass
As much as it pains me, I need to thank you.
Blake
Of course you do.
What for?
Kass
The advice you gave me about Jade.
I'm going to let her spend some time with Clover.
Blake
Anything else you want to thank me for while you're at it?
Kass
Haha. No, seriously. Thank you.
Our talk really made me think.
Blake
Glad I could help.
Kass
When do I get to see you next?
Blake
Not sure.
Kass
Let me guess, you'll be traveling for work a lot?
Blake
I actually am.
Kass
Where are you going?
Blake
New York
Kass
Well, I'll miss you.
Text me when you're back, and we can hang.
Blake
Okay.
Kass
And if you need someone to help you get off while you're bored in the hotel room at night, you know who to call. ;)
Blake
Haha. We'll see.
Something seems off, but I can't quite place it. Everything went fine at the farmer's market today. We had a good time, or so I thought. Toward the end, I was pretty distracted by my contemplation over letting Jade see Clover. Did I miss something that happened then?
Shit. Maybe she wants to see other people while in New York. We never talked about being exclusive. I didn't want to scare her off. How would I feel if she hooked up with someone else on her trip?
A wave of nausea rushes over me, and I have to sit on my bed before I lose my balance.
It's not the thought of her sleeping with someone else that bothers me.
It's the thought of her sleeping with someone else and never coming back to me.
What if she's done with me? What if she got what she wanted this weekend, and now she's ready to go off on another work trip and do what she always does—ghost and move on.
Absolutely not. She's too far under my skin and in my bones for this to be over.
I'm not going to let her run away from this.