Chapter 9 - Lila
As hard as I try to block it all out and remind myself this is only temporary, I can’t stop hearing the ring of Caleb’s words in my mind.
The bellowed declaration and the way he walked through the pack with his chin up, despite how they tried to reject me and his decision.
The way he wasn’t even remotely shaken by their initial animosity.
Instead, he remolded them. Reshaped their opinions just by showing he wasn’t going to back down. But even if they fell in line, I’m not na?ve enough to believe they genuinely want me as their Luna.
And now, the following night, smoke from the bonfire clings to my hair as I walk side by side with Caleb, moving through the throng of pack members as they stare at us. The moon is high, casting its light through the woods and throwing shadows across his sharp features.
He looks older now, reminiscent of his younger self, yet hardened by the years. The determination in his eyes only solidifies that fact.
At one time, I dreamed of this. Longed for it. But now, my stomach is full of knots, even if my inner wolf is still preening at the idea. It’s a silent battle that only I know about, and it makes my whole body ache.
My only saving grace is that Astrid is with Mom. At least she doesn’t have to be anywhere near this humiliation ritual.
That’s how it feels to me, anyway.
Varic stands at the far end of the group beneath the hawthorn tree that many pairs have been mated under, but to get there, we have to endure the eyes of every wolf in the pack, all bearing witness to not only our bonding but to Caleb’s claiming of the Alpha title.
Despite having Caleb by my side, it feels more like I’m walking on my own, thrown back to my past. Every nerve in my body seems to coil up, bracing for judgment and mockery.
Waiting for them to remind me again of how poor my status is.
That if it weren’t for my dad, I never would’ve been welcomed anywhere near the pack.
Even if they don’t say it out loud, I can feel their judgment. Their questioning gazes, surely wondering how someone like me managed to land herself in this position. They might not have fought against the idea as hard as they could’ve, but I know they have no love for me.
I wait for Caleb to turn to me and join them. To throw his own insults at me and shatter my heart all over again.
Surprisingly, he’s the only constant in this. He moves with deliberate, confident strides with me, never walking in front of or behind me. Next to me, almost like we’re on the same level. But I know that’s far from the truth.
Everything in me screams to run. To break away from their attention and get as far away as I physically can. But I don’t.
Despite the relief that settles over me the moment we reach Varic, grateful to have the others behind us, the next step comes with its own challenges. The reality of what’s happening hits me even harder.
The ceremony begins, but I feel more like a spectator than a participant.
The current Alpha acknowledges us before he speaks, then he begins his introduction, but the words hardly register.
It’s a blur of subtle movements and phrases I’ve heard before when exchanged by other couples, but it all seems to lose its meaning.
A blade is gently slid across my palm, then Caleb’s, but I barely feel it from how numb my whole body is.
Even as our hands clasp together in a claiming hold, the pain doesn’t come.
Then, he leans in, pulling in my scent before pressing his neck against mine in a caress that’s far too close, and far too intimate. It somehow feels sharper than the knife, and it sends a rush of warm sensations that jolt me back to the present, punching straight through my chest.
Caleb’s scent surrounds me at once, overwhelming my senses to the point of pulling the breath from my lungs. It hurts so badly, yet it’s almost euphoric.
This is everything I ever wanted, but here and now, it just feels wrong.
I’m not supposed to need him after everything that happened before, and yet, I’m being forced to accept him.
Despite all the heartache and despite all the time spent getting over him, my body does it anyway.
My very soul lets him in.
I’m faintly shaking as we repeat the vows Varic goes through with us, struggling with how disorienting it all is. How in this moment, I’m trapped in something I don’t know how to process.
Finally, I’m guided through the last step—the worst of all.
With a clenched jaw, I look up at Caleb and his neutral expression before slowly lowering my head in a bow of submission. An offering I don’t want to give. Forcing myself into that position grates on my nerves, making the motion somewhat jerky and strained.
My blood burns as I hold it before he takes my hand in acceptance and guides me to my full height again.
Only then does his face change, eyes flickering with something resembling awe. Tenderness, even. It lasts long enough for me to notice before he schools it again.
Then, it’s done.
In a haze of steps and customary jargon, we’re mated, and Caleb now leads the pack with me by his side.
Afterward, the clearing is a frenzy of motion as the others begin to shift. As more fur than skin appears, the wolves dart towards the trees with a ripple of energy, prepared for the excitement of the ceremony’s cap.
Caleb, still holding my hand where our now-healed palms press together, looks down at me with all the pride of a new Alpha in his dark eyes. “It’s time.”
When he lets go of my hand, he steps forward and begins to shift. It happens so naturally for him as his wolf takes over, dark, massive paws hitting the ground as the weight of his new title rests on his shoulders like it was meant to be there.
He’s the Alpha, and I’m his mate. His chosen.
It’s like salt in every wound he ever left, and I have no choice but to bear it.
Nerves ripple through me at first, well aware of how difficult it usually is for me to muster up the ability to shift. But it dissipates surprisingly quickly, and before I know it, my wolf stirs inside me.
Whether it’s the new bond or from sensing the pack’s movement, everything comes to the surface and syncs with their rhythm. For a moment, that part of me feels strong. Not completely whole, but less brittle than usual.
Feeling called by Caleb’s end of the bond, I swallow hard and give in.
Everything around me crackles, limbs rearranging and snapping into place. The power pours over me, and when I blink, the forest sharpens. I feel more stable on my paws, and every sense kicks into high gear. The smells flood in, and the pack’s momentum rushes through me like a tidal wave.
Caleb’s scent encourages me forward, guiding me through the clearing and into the underbrush.
Pelts flash between the trees, paws thunder through the woods, and the distant calls send a shiver through my entire being.
It’s been so long since I shifted and felt the earth as I was meant to, and for the first time in my life, I almost feel like I belong. Almost.
My wolf keeps pace better than anticipated, but the strength that surged through me begins to flicker. The deeper we run, the more unstable it feels, almost like a glitching image that won’t fix itself.
Then, it’s like the rug has been pulled out from under me.
My legs tremble, my lungs burn, and from somewhere deep in my chest, I whine.
Not now… gods, not now.
The bond is supposed to make this easier. It’s supposed to give us both a surge of energy and power. But I wasn’t normal to begin with, and our bond was forced. Rushed. It hasn’t been nurtured by love and genuine care.
The strength leaves my limbs faster than I can try to recover it, and pain tears through my limbs, forcing me to stumble out of my wolf form. Everything spins, and the cold ground slams into my knees as my bones reknit themselves, and skin replaces the pelt I barely had any time to live in.
I’m heaving in shallow breaths before I can fully register that I’m naked on the ground, arms caging over my chest.
Before I can regain my bearings, a shape breaks away from the trees, large and approaching fast.
Caleb shifts mid-stride as if it’s as easy as breathing for him, and he’s at my side in a moment’s notice. He’s all tattoos, broad chest, and gently huffed breaths as he crouches with a thread of alarm stitched through his features.
“Lila,” he says, voice rougher than usual. “What happened?”
Gritting my teeth, feeling such an aggressive strike to my pride as I lay there in front of him, I avert my gaze. “Nothing…”
His skin is hot against mine as he slips an arm beneath my back, angling me toward him. “Don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not a soldier you can order around.”
“No, you’re not. You’re my mate,” Caleb says, lacking the distaste I have for the title. He carefully adjusts his hold on me like I’m something fragile, and it stirs something confusing in me. “And I want to know what happened.”
Silence settles like a heavy thing between us, laden with everything we haven’t addressed. Everything we lost, and everything we both pretended wasn’t there at one time or another.
I want to shake him off as I attempt to sit up, feeling every point of contact between us, but the other part of me wants to lean in, craving more of him. I don’t give in to either.
After a long moment, I let go of a breath and mutter the very words I don’t want to admit. “Ever since you rejected me before, my wolf has been weaker than usual…”
To my surprise, Caleb goes still. Deathly still.
The forest stirs around us to fill in that silence, broken up only by the distant howls of the pack while they continue.
He looks almost helpless for a blink, eyes softer than usual as he searches for the words. His voice reaches me, sounding raw. “You never told me. I had no idea.”
Despite my weakened state, I scoff. “I didn’t realise I needed to make a list of things to tell you after you disappeared.”
Caleb flinches at that.
Looking away, my chest aches at the memories. “In the time you’ve been away, I shifted only a handful of times, and every time, it felt wrong somehow. Like my wolf was afraid to come out again.”
His eyes soften. “Lila… if I had known—”
“You didn’t need to, and you didn’t want to,” I mutter, finally pushing him away as I stand on wobbly legs. “You made that very clear.”
Caleb opens his mouth to speak, but he closes it again, not denying it. Something like grief flickers within his eyes as he holds that crouched position a moment longer.
“Look… you got what you wanted. The ceremony is over, you’re the Alpha now, and everything is done. Can we just go to the cabin and finish this stupid tradition?”
Despite everything, his brows pull together, sounding vaguely offended. “It’s not stupid.”
“It feels stupid.”
The words don’t feel as mature as I’d like them to, but I’m too drained and raw to care. Far too aware of the way that irritating bond pulls in my chest just from being near him.
But standing there completely naked while he’s very much the same, my dignity is already out the window, and I find it hard to care.
I glare back at him. “And stop looking at me.”
At that, Caleb glances away like a scolded child, and he pushes himself up from the ground. “The cabin’s this way.”
Maintaining a respectable distance, we move in silence through the trees for a while. Caleb walks a half-step ahead, keeping his attention sharp as he continuously scans our surroundings.
Eventually, the trees thin out, and a small cabin tucked far enough away from any main paths comes into view. Warm, golden light from a fire already glows through one of the windows, and smoke curls from the chimney in low sweeps.
It’s been prepared already, it seems.
Caleb clears his throat as we approach the building. “They’ll be expecting a consummation.”
Against my will, my cheeks burn at the thought, and I furrow my brows at him, gaze sharp. “They can expect whatever they want. It’s not happening.”
He pauses and puts his hands up in response. “I didn’t say it was.”
My eyes narrow on him for a beat, then I huff out a breath and continue walking. “Let’s get this over with.”
Making my way to the cabin, I use whatever strength I have left to tamp down the flicker of excitement my wolf feels, reminding me and her that this means nothing.
Even as the bond tugs gently, and even as the temptation himself is in all of his naked glory already.
Despite clinging to my convictions as tightly as I can, I’m not as immune to Caleb as I want to be.