Chapter 34 #2
Her heart swelled at his admission. She’d been right. She could hear it in his voice, see that his eyes were a bit glassy. He needed someone in his corner. And she could do that. She owed him her friendship and loyalty at the very least.
“Would you sit down, please?” he gestured to the chair. Then he smiled again, his eyes twinkling. “You’re making me nervous with all that…” he waved his hand, “…fidgeting.”
Teasing. That had to be a good sign. She took him up on his offer.
“Of course, I came. I’d do almost anything for you, Teddy. And again, I’m so sorry about the podcast. I know I said it in my email, but I would never, ever do something to purposefully hurt you, no matter how embarrassed I’d been, or how hurt I felt.”
Avery’s heart sank as his gorgeous, playful smile faded into a straight line. She looked down, ready to absorb his anger. She deserved it.
“Wait, you were embarrassed? When? Why?” Teddy asked. He sounded pained, surprised, but she didn’t hear any anger or disdain behind the questions.
She looked back up at him and he straightened up as much as possible within the confines of the hospital bed, his eyes pleading with her for an answer.
Wasn’t it obvious? “In Mexico… When you flat out rejected me. When I fled. I was really hurt, but also completely mortified,” she admitted.
“I thought we were beginning a real relationship, and I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I was imagining a future, and then you basically told me I was no one to you, just another heart-eyed fan happy to be in your orbit, to be able to post a picture with you to my social media. ”
Are we actually having this conversation?
She couldn’t believe how quickly they’d cut to the chase.
But there was something about the scenario, Teddy near horizontal, the ambient noise of hospital machines beeping, the slow dripping sounds of fluids hanging in the pouches on his IV pole.
She’d been so close to losing him forever today, it seemed pointless to skirt around her feelings.
Plus, she’d been on a streak lately. First her parents, now Teddy.
Radical candor had kind of been working for her.
Avery felt him looking at her anew, as if maybe he were replaying the scene from the beach in his head. She raised her eyebrows at him and pursed her lips. The ball was in his court. It was his turn to share.
He sighed. “That’s definitely not how I felt then and it’s not how I feel now. You’re not no one to me, not by any stretch of the imagination. You mean a great deal to me. And I’m the one who should be sorry, if I failed to make you feel important. When we were together.”
Were we ever together, though? “It didn’t feel like I was important to you at the end.
It felt like you were using me. I know we had an arrangement, but when we hooked-up in Austin and then spent all week together in Mexico,” Avery felt her cheeks turn pink, and other parts of her start to come to life at the memory.
“I didn’t think that it happened because of sheer convenience.
I thought we had something real, and then I felt really dumb being so wrong. ”
“It wasn’t like that. I promise. I have real feelings for you too. Come on, you were there, you felt it. I felt it.”
Have? Teddy used the word have, as in present tense. She couldn’t, wouldn’t get her hopes up, it would hurt too much to go down that path again.
He ran his hand through his hair. “I know I’m immature, and said all the wrong things on the beach that day. But, you didn’t really think I’m such an ass that I was using you for sex, did you?”
Yes. No. “I don’t know?” Avery shrugged her shoulders. “I thought I was getting to know the real you, this warm, kind, and generous Teddy. That you don’t let anyone see: the you who would always, always do right by the people he loves.”
She swallowed the lump in her throat and whispered, “I wanted to think you were an ass because I was hurt when it became clear that you didn’t count me among the people you truly—” the word love sat on the tip of her tongue, “—care about.”
Teddy looked crestfallen. “Come here,” he sat up straighter in his bed, and held out his hand.
She leaned forward and looked at her hand, as if it had the answer to whether she should take his. Would touching reignite something she wouldn’t be able to control?
But rationality couldn’t stop her overeager body, which got up from her chair and made it to Teddy’s bedside in two steps.
She grabbed his outstretched hand, and gave it a warm squeeze, hoping it would feel like a burst of electricity between them, the way their inadvertent touch all those months ago at the hotel bar had.
“Avery, bella, you’re squeezing the IV, that rather hurts,” Teddy said sheepishly.
“Sorry,” she said, dropping it as quickly as she had grabbed it.
He offered his other hand, the one free from any medical stuff, and she took it, cautiously this time.
She sat on the edge of the bed, one leg tucked under her, the other dangling over the side.
She wanted to rub her thumb over his palm so badly, reacquaint herself with this small piece of his all-too familiar body, but she refrained.
Instead, she looked down at where their fingers were intertwined.
What does this all mean to him? She knew that she genuinely loved him, the crash had proved that the mere thought of losing him was unbearable.
And yet, before today, she’d finally felt like she was really getting somewhere on her own, and was perhaps starting to get over him.
“There. That’s better,” Teddy gave her a squeeze this time, and her breath caught in her throat.
“I was, and still am, immature. I didn’t know how to handle what I was feeling for you, and I certainly didn’t use the right words on the beach that day.
I was scared. I can’t afford to let anything distract me, or at least that’s how I felt before the crash,” Teddy’s voice caught.
“The intensity of my feelings for you is something I’ve never experienced before, and I didn’t know what to do with those feelings.
But today I saw my life flash before my eyes.
And all day as I sat here being poked and prodded, I realized how quickly my whole racing career could come to an end, or even worse, my life. ”
Avery felt dizzy, like she was the one who had been flipped upside down on the racetrack.
She had never seen him like this, even in their most vulnerable conversations.
Teddy was always the picture of strength, of stoicism, but she could see that, like her, he’d experienced a light-bulb moment when his car went careening into that wall.
And now he was here, voice trembling, opening up to her.
He continued, “And I realized I want more. I want love and adventure and travel for pleasure, the whole kit and caboodle. And I have you to thank for that. You showed me that a life outside of Formula One is possible for me. That someone could love me for the person I am underneath, not only because I’m a race car driver. ”
Avery was floored. She looked up at the drab tiled gray ceiling, keeping the tears that had welled-up in her eyes to match his from spilling before she spoke.
“You deserve it all, Teddy, and I’m so glad you are starting to see that.
But you don’t need to thank me, I’d do it all again,” she whispered.
She had thought Teddy hated her, but instead, he’d admitted that she’d helped him see the type of full life he could have.
She hadn’t realized that their time together had meant so much to him.
It was a relief. Not like in the I’m going to lean in and kiss him right now type of relief, although part of me certainly still wants that.
It was more the relief that she hadn’t been delusional, that she hadn’t imagined their connection, that it hadn’t only been special for her.
And the way he was looking at her, his lips parted, it looked like he might also want to lean over and kiss her.
But he hadn’t actually suggested anything about the future. Sure, he had admitted he had feelings for her, but that didn’t mean he wanted to act on it.
“I’m not saying it to be nice, Avery. I mean it. You changed me, my life, even if it took a near-death experience for me to realize it. What do you say, should we give it another shot? Pick up where we left off, keep it casual and then someday see if it becomes more?”
He rubbed his thumb over her palm, but she barely registered the touch. His words were like ice water dousing the heat that her body always felt next to his.
Casual? After everything he just admitted? Everything we’ve been through and he wants to keep it casual?!
“I can’t make any promises about the future, but I forgive you for the whole podcast thing. And I think in time I can learn to trust you again,” he nodded.
Whoa, this is like emotional whiplash. I changed his life, but he wants to casually date and maybe learn to trust me? Are you kidding me?
Avery gave him a long, pointed look, and shifted off her perch on the hospital bed, creating physical distance between Teddy and herself.
Over the last couple of months, she had proved to herself that she was, in fact, a capable adult and worthy of deep love.
She’d solved every gala related crisis that had been thrown at her and still had managed to bring in record-breaking sponsorship dollars.
And she’d done it with the support of people who really, truly believed in her and loved her for exactly who she was.
She didn’t need Teddy anymore. She might decide she wanted him, but she didn’t need him to feel important and she certainly didn’t need his fame and clout to make the gala a success.
She had so much else going for her: she was finally feeling capable and confident in her career, she’d never felt closer to her parents, and had a team of real friends and family behind her.
She was no longer interested in being Teddy’s groupy, following him race-to-race, if he wasn’t going to commit to supporting her in the same way.
“You think you forgive me and will be able to trust me?” Avery asked, shaking her head, her heart breaking all over again. “I’m sorry, but that’s not good enough for me. I’m not going to hang around and be your pseudo-girlfriend until you make up your mind about our future.”
She started to walk toward the door, but stopped. She turned back around; she didn’t want to run away from him, like she’d done the last time.
This was her chance to write a different story.
She took a deep breath. “I’m truly glad you’re okay.
I was so worried when I saw the crash. I thought the worst was happening, and I would never forgive myself if we didn’t clear the air.
I really wasn’t expecting all of this,” she waved her hand in front of her face.
“I want to say yes…” So do it, her body screamed at her, “…But, I deserve more. I need a partner who is all in.”
Teddy hung his head over his slumped shoulders.
“I understand, bella. You deserve someone who can be fully committed to you, who would drop everything at a moment’s notice and hop on a plane to make sure you’re okay.
I wish I could be that for you, and maybe someday I can, but I don’t expect you to wait for me. ”
“Teddy…” Why was standing up for herself so damn sad? She should feel triumphant, proud, but mostly she just felt heavy.
“Can we at least be friends?” he asked, his voice breaking.
Avery turned his offer over in her mind, shifting her weight back and forth as she considered. Friends? They’d gone from acquaintances to fake lovers to lovers to ex-lovers so fast that they’d never really seen what it was like to be friends.
“Yes, I think I can be your friend. We really did have fun together, didn’t we?”
“We did. We really did,” Teddy affirmed.
So, now what?… A new friend didn’t nurse you back to health. “So what’s next? I know you are getting out of here tomorrow…” her voice trailed off.
“Honestly, I’ll probably head straight to Brazil. I can’t possibly miss another race, especially the last of the season. You don’t need to stick around, I’ll be okay, I promise.”
“Well, I do have a lot to do back in LA,” she added, exhaustion hitting her like a ton of bricks.
It had been a long day. A long season. And the plane was still sitting on the tarmac.
If she left now, they could make it home in time for her to crash for a few hours before she had to be back at the office.
“Go on, of course you do. Please, don’t let me keep you from it, but I’m sure glad you came.”
“Yeah, me too,” she agreed. “So, we’re good?”
“Yes, Avery, we are good.” He sounded sincere and gave her half a smile. But his eyes looked dull. There was no sign of his usual golden-green sparkle.
She walked over to his bedside to give him a whisper of a peck on the cheek, right above an angry red mark that would soon turn to purple, reminding herself, and hopefully reminding him too, why she had come in the first place.
She let her lips lie on his face a moment longer than the typical friend would, enjoying the prickle of his rough stubble.
One last nuzzle, one last time to breathe in his scent.
Friends. It was worth a shot, but she had to go, before she changed her mind and slid her mouth over to his soft lips the way her body was begging her to.
She stood up straight and made her way to the door for the second time.
This time she could walk out with her head held high.
She wasn’t running away, she wasn’t begging for forgiveness.
She was leaving on good terms, on her terms. So why does my chest feel so tight?