Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
THORNE
Shrugging my jacket off after showing Simon to the guest room, I released a breath. My demands for Oren to pack a bag seemed redundant, considering we’d landed back at home. Shoving my jacket onto an empty hanger in our closet, I kicked my shoes off before stepping back into the bedroom.
I combed my fingers through my hair as I crossed the space, ignoring Oren’s presence on the bed.
I was far too high-strung for a conversation.
Every fucking time I tried to kindly ask for his cooperation, he went out of his way to oppose me.
He claimed he trusted me, but every goddamn action proved otherwise.
Sure, he wanted to ‘save face’ with Levander, but that meant tossing aside my sanity, my opinions, my feelings—me. And he did it without question, without so much as batting an eye.
Landing in front of my bedside table, I tugged the drawer open and grabbed my motorcycle key.
“What… Where are you going?” Sliding from the mattress, he stood, rubbing at his ring.
“On a ride. I’ll be back.”
“You… You’re leaving?”
“To clear my head. Yes. Yes, I am.”
He stepped in front of the door. “No. No, you’re not.”
My jaw popped. “Yes. The fuck I am. Now move.”
“No! What the fuck did I do this time? Why… Why can’t you just tell me?”
“BECAUSE YOU NEVER LISTEN!” I snapped, my nails digging into my palms. “Why the fuck should I keep wasting my time trying to tell you shit when it goes in one fucking ear and out the other?!”
Swallowing the hurt, he nodded. “O-Okay. What else?”
“Nothing else. Move, Oren.”
“No!” he shouted, pressing his palms against my chest. “No, I won’t let you leave until we’ve talked! Until… Until you express what’s going on. I’m sorry if I haven’t listened, but—”
“If?” Narrowing my brows, I shook my head as a laugh rolled forward. “God, do you ever own up to doing anything wrong?”
“No, sorry. I meant I didn’t. If… If you say I didn’t listen, then I didn’t. I’m addressing it now. I… I just want to know what’s going on.”
“I fucking told you the other night, Oren.”
“Yes, yes, you did. I know there’s a lot you’re going through, but—”
“But nothing.” I moved to step around him. “I am not going to keep disclosing shit to you just for you to spit in my fucking face again. I’m done.”
“But I’m still here!” Oren screamed, slapping his palm against his chest. “I’m not done, and you’re clearly hiding shit because of what I’ve done. I take full accountability!”
Every ounce of patience I had shattered, rage consuming my logic.
My fist collided with the wall beside his head, and he flinched, the sheetrock crumbling beneath my wrath.
“You go out of your fucking way to oppose me, as if it’s fucking hilarious to test my goddamn boundaries.
You let me confide in you about what’s bothering me, only to do the exact shit I begged you not to.
I shouldn’t have to fucking beg my goddamn fiancé to respect me.
“You fucking get off on humiliating me in front of everyone, and you did it again today! Happy to have Levander as another friend, right? But fuck me and my asks? Right? Right?” Nostrils flaring, I shook my head as a near-manic chuckle tumbled from me.
“All it’s been about since that fucking day is you.
All. About. Fucking. You. Oren goddamn Valens and how he nearly died.
Only once have you bothered to fucking ask me how I have processed that shit!
How I processed my supposed friends turning their backs on me without fucking question. Only. Once. Oren!”
Tears slipped, but he didn’t dare wipe them away. “That’s… That’s a lot for anyone.”
Ripping my hand free, I ignored the crimson coating my skin. “Go fucking figure. You start crying. It’s fucking whatever, Oren. I’m not doing this shit.”
Stifling his sob, he grabbed my wrist. “I need to bandage this. You’re hurt.”
“Yeah?” Ripping myself away from his touch, I snarled, “You going to work on my heart while you’re at it? No? Okay. I’m leaving.”
“Yes, I will! And you—”
“No!” Slamming two fingers into his sternum, striations danced across my jaw. “You won’t! Because you haven’t in over a year!”
Coughing, he grabbed hold of me again. “Baby… yes. I always will.”
“Don’t fucking call me that.” The words came faster than I could stop them.
His lip trembled, saltwater coating his cheeks, but he didn’t release a sob or a wail. Instead, he continued to cling to me. “I’m sorry you… you weren’t heard.”
“No, you’re not. Now go gossip about it with your best friend and every other goddamn person you put before me.”
“No! I don’t gossip, and you’re the most important person to me. If you’re hurting, I’m not fucking leaving!” Wrapping his arms around me, he planted a kiss against my chest, tears soaking through the fabric. “No! No, I won’t let you go, and I won’t let you be alone.”
“Because you can’t stand the idea of being alone, Oren. This is always about you!”
“No, because I know you! And there is nothing you fear more than being abandoned. That’s why it hurt when Matt didn’t show.
That’s why it hurt when Simon and Liam didn’t chase you.
That’s why it hurt when I got hit with the fucking bullet because you…
you can’t handle it! You can’t handle the thought of losing me! ”
Clenching my jaw to push back against the emotion, I fixated on my anger. “Wow, congratulations, you’ve remembered one thing about me.”
“I fucking know you, and you’re hurting. The only time you yell at me is when you’re in pain or when you want me to chase you. So, I’m not fucking leaving, and you’re not going either. You like it when someone sees past the cracks, the wall you put up, and I. fucking. do.”
“You mean the wall you’ve forced me to rebuild?
” Shoving him off me, I headed for the door.
“I’m the fucking outsider looking in here.
You don’t give enough shits about me, because you’d rather impress everyone else.
You, Liam, and Simon? Close fucking friends.
Me? The ex-commander. That’s my fucking title.
To all of you. And Matt…” I nipped at my cheek, turning my head away from him to blink back the tears.
“…it doesn’t fucking matter anymore. I need to clear my head before I punch another goddamn hole in the wall or down another fifth of whiskey, Oren. ”
“They all love you just as much as they love me. And Matt… Matt meant it at the party when he said he would be there for you. We are all here for you—”
“Yet not one of you has caught this in the past year? The only reason you did is that I allowed my anger to slip. If I hadn’t, you would’ve had no fucking clue.”
“I knew this whole time! And I didn’t push harder. I’m sorry you weren’t heard in the capacity you needed, but look at me and tell me you’re not aching inside. Turn around and look at me!”
Spinning toward him, I glared down my nose. “For what fucking reason, Oren?! When you never listen!”
“Because you’re trying not to cry, and it’s okay to let go! You can scream, yell, or stay silent with me, and I will never fucking leave you! And I’m here for you, always for you. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you when you needed me.”
Chest hitching, I attempted to take a step back. “I am fine, Oren.”
Matching my movement, he followed. “No, you’re not. Baby, it’s… It’s okay. I’ve got you. You don’t have to be—”
My knees buckled, slamming against the floor as a broken sob tumbled from my lips.
Shaking my head, I tried to muffle it as I brought the crook of my arm to my face.
But each shuddered breath continued, containing a flood of tears as my walls completely collapsed, all the weight I’d been carrying threatening to suffocate me.
Pulling at my wrist gently, Oren lowered it enough to plant his palms on my cheeks. Brushing his thumbs over the evidence of my sorrows, his fractured exhale followed.
“I’ve got you. Always… I’m so sorry. So sorry.”
I crumbled into his touch, resting my head in his hands as I stifled my next cry. “I-I… I… I’m… sorry…”
“Shhh.” Tucking me against his chest, his fingers threaded through my hair.
“You don’t have to apologize for the way you feel, ever.
I love you, and I’m sorry you haven’t felt heard.
I focused on my own needs and didn't address the pain you’ve been dealing with.
And I’ve made everything about me. You deserve so much, and I’m sorry your needs weren’t met. ”
Burying my face into him, I inhaled his citrusy scent.
With my head settled where I could listen to his heart, its heavy, rhythmic pattern served as a metronome.
The two sensations combined worked to ground me, and I found myself slipping further into his hold as my body slowly began to relax, stuttering whimpers escaping with each exhale.
“I’ve got you,” he whispered. “I’ve got you, forever and always. Keep breathing just like that, okay?”
“What if… What if I can’t… save Liam…? What if I fucking fail…?” My bottom lip quivered as I nuzzled into his neck, seeking his comforting warmth. “Simon… will loathe me… And fuck… I miss Matt…”
“I know. You’ve got so much on your shoulders, don’t you?” He rubbed soothing circles across my back, slowing with each pass. “I know you miss him…”
A gasped cry filled the brief silence, and I fisted his shirt, pulling him even closer to me. “I’m scared, Oren… I’m so fucking scared…”
“I know you are. You’re safe with me… You… You—”
“They almost fucking killed you, Oren. Again. Fucking again…” I rasped, flashbacks of that night pouring into the forefront of my mind. “I can’t… I can’t…”
His swallow was audible, but his caresses never stopped. “I know… and… and I can’t lose you either, Thorne. I can’t.”
“But you… haven’t even… You haven’t…” My shoulders curled forward with my sob, tremors assaulting my frame. “I’ve… I’ve watched… I’ve seen it almost fucking… happen…”
“You… You did, and I don’t know exactly what it feels like… the pain and fear you must hold on to because of that moment. It’s… It’s frightening, isn’t it?”
My only reply was the bob of my head as I nodded.
“Awfully scary, and no doubt lonely to harbor all that agony inside. And I’m sure it just piles on.”
“Yes… and I’m so… so fucking tired.”
It was true. The mounting stress from everything had worn me thin.
It created a whirlwind inside my head, my ability to think straight too tangled with the simplicity of the day-to-day.
It was like I was trying to swim but had two bricks shackled to my ankles, encouraging my frantic pace as I struggled to keep myself above water.
“I can’t blame you. You carry the weight of everyone’s burdens without relinquishing any to others. You… You are my fiancé, Thorne, but you are also a man who struggles to take care of himself. Even if you can’t say it directly, I know what goes on inside your mind. I know you.”
Sucking in another breath, I began tracing various shapes on his arm. With the task devouring my attentive focus, I hadn’t realized how far I had drifted when I returned to look at him.
Smiling, he took my palm, splaying it open against his.
“You’re safe.” Tracing the outline of my thumb, he continued.
“You’re very much loved.” Pointer. “You’re kind.
” Middle. “You’re resilient.” Ring. “You’re handsome.
” Pinky. “And you’re the man I will always choose, Thorne Graves.
Even when you think you’re broken, even when you yell, even when that darkness consumes you, even when the weight pressing against your chest becomes unbearable, I will always remain. ”
My bottom lip quivered as I stared into his cerulean eyes. “I-I don’t… I don’t… deserve you…”
“Yes, you do. Just as equally I do you.” Interlocking his fingers with mine, the creases of his mouth lifted, a solemn happiness building in his gaze. “And I hate when you say that, because it’s the furthest thing from the truth.”
Leaning back against his chest, I curled inward on myself, breathing him in while clinging to his words. There was nothing more I wanted than to believe him, to trust that I deserved to have him regardless of all my flaws and every mistake I’d made in the past.
I knew, without a doubt in my mind, that I wanted him for the rest of our lives, but doubt festered in the back of my mind.
My existence had been polluted, convoluted by decisions that were never fully my own for years, and the last thing I wanted to do was stain someone as beautifully innocent as Oren.
But, as he cradled me, reassuring me of the worth he believed I held, I couldn’t help but realize that I already had.