Chapter 35
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
MATTHEW
Running my fingers over the cushion, Liam was slowly starting to doze off to my right. I needed him to fall asleep faster so I could head upstairs, but the man kept talking in between bouts of near unconsciousness.
“Mhm,” I said for the hundredth time, not even looking at him at this point. If I provided minimal attention, would those pain meds finally knock him out?
As if he unknowingly wished to answer my thought, a gentle snore filled the room, the exhaustion he’d been battling finally sweeping him under.
He needed the rest, and I twisted him to lie down before tossing the blanket over his frame.
Liam was still healing, evident in the bags under his eyes, but the soft smile tugging at the corners of his lips told me everything I needed to know.
It was all because of Simon that he even made that expression again, and I hoped pleasant dreams found him.
Glancing over at the art room, a few bouts of laughter rolled from the space, but it wasn’t enough to hide all the noise from me. Sliding forward on my sock, I felt fucking stupid, but the floorboards didn’t creak as I did it again.
Tiptoeing like a banished child, I took my time until my hand wrapped around the banister. Gripping it tightly, I hauled myself onto the first step, grateful for the carpet beneath the soles of my feet. It made it much easier to walk quietly as I guided myself up the steps.
I crossed the hallway to Thorne and Oren’s room and took a breath before nudging the door open. “Thorne?”
A high-pitched bark answered, growing louder as I walked through the threshold. Prince bounded over, weaving through my legs as I chuckled. “Good to see you too, buddy. You wouldn’t know where Thorne—”
“Prince, for fuck’s sake,” Thorne grumbled, his timbre audible from the opposite side of the room. “Come here.”
Prince turned around, tail wagging as he released another yelp. Was the dog… defying him?
“I will take you back to that damn shelter if you don’t get your ass over here,” Thorne quipped, and while I knew he wasn’t serious, I wasn’t certain if Prince was as confident.
The corgi whined, sulking as he walked over. His tail was less enthusiastic, and I bit my lip to keep from laughing. He was definitely Oren’s dog; that was for sure. Running my hand through my hair, I followed him.
“Sorry, he was riled up because of me,” I said as I entered the main space.
Thorne’s head snapped in my direction, his brows immediately furrowing. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“I came to apologize,” I said, keeping my distance from him. I didn’t want to cross that barrier without his approval, but I moved closer as I sat on the edge of the bed. “A long, overdue apology.”
“Get the fuck out.”
“No,” I breathed, fabric curling beneath my palms. “I’m not leaving. Not when I specifically came to see you, to talk, to listen, to do whatever I can for you.”
“You’ve done enough, Matthew,” he hissed, pushing himself into a more upright position from where he’d been resting with Mercy. “You’ve left enough goddamn damage in your wake.”
It stung, but it wasn’t a lie. I’d hurt him on multiple occasions with the excuse of my trauma, of hiding it from him for so long. “I know I have—”
“Have what? The real question is, what haven’t you done?
You were the one who decided to keep me out of the decision that led to that fucking mission.
You let me walk out of the hospital that day while knowing where I was mentally, regardless of Oren waking up.
They’d asked me to decide when to pull that plug, and there was a level of expectation there, a level of responsibility, and you fucking knew, you knew how much I was hurting, and you let me fucking leave!
“You didn’t speak to me for over a fucking year after, and then as soon as we fucking mend our friendship, you accept an offer to stay in the States from some fucking child you barely know?
After all the opportunities I offered? After every fucking time I begged you?
I’m fucking over it. You say one thing one day and the next it’s another. ”
“Because it’s my fault!” I snapped, the weight I carried falling to the floor.
Heaving, I twisted the comforter. “It was my fucking fault Oren got hurt. My fault that he almost died. My fault for making the call to keep you out of the plan. My fucking fault that I didn’t go after you when you needed a hand, more than that.
God, Oren took a fucking bullet because of my mistake, and I couldn’t face you after I did that.
“So I took a few months to focus on my mental health, but it continued to decline without structure, without you. But what kind of loser begs for someone they hurt repeatedly, when they need them more than the person needs them? I couldn’t live with that fact, so I attempted to fix the problem another way. ”
Curling my arms around myself, I blinked back the welling tears. “I didn’t take a year to hide. I took a year because I tried to kill myself, Thorne. I was forced into help I didn’t want, and part of me wishes I had succeeded—”
“W-What…?” His chest rose, but the shudder was evident, a deep-seated guilt building in his honey irises.
“I’m not trying to make an excuse, but—”
He shook his head, a flash of pain coating his expression. “Why didn’t you… Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I nearly killed your fiancé!” A cry tumbled from my lips, but I tried to push it down.
“I-I deserved everything that happened. I know I secluded myself, but I just didn’t want to bring you more pain.
I never do, but nothing I do helps. I’m just hurting you over and over and fucking over.
So I keep shoving you away to see if it helps, but then I miss you too much, and I come crawling back like a pathetic bitch.
You’re… You’re my best friend, but what kind of friend am I if I keep disappearing after each mistake? ”
Thorne nipped at the inside of his cheek, staring at the comforter before he elected to look back up at me again. Bottom lip quivering, a single tear slipped down his cheek. “H-How?”
“How?” I repeated, meeting those honeyed irises.
“How did you…” He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing with intention. “...try?”
Attempting to clear the lump in my throat, it didn’t even budge. “I tried… tried to use my gun, but no matter how long I held it against my temple, I couldn’t… couldn’t pull the trigger.”
“God, Matt.” Thorne dropped his head in his hands, a sob racking his body.
Inhaling, all that followed was a pitiful cry. “But I was a coward even with my death, so I took… took pills. A whole bottle’s worth and locked the door at base.”
A guttural wail left him, Mercy quickly getting up at the sound. Moving toward him, she brushed her nose against his cheek with determination, attempting to get to his face… attempting to check on him.
“And I-I wasn’t… I wasn’t fucking there…” Thorne whimpered, the brokenness in his voice already confirming the guilt I knew he’d carry. “I couldn’t… I-I didn’t… I didn’t… fucking stop you… I wasn’t there to hold you…”
“I didn’t deserve to be held,” I whispered.
He quickly lifted his head, reddened eyes meeting mine as he placed a gentle hand on Mercy’s head to calm her.
“Don’t… Don’t you fucking dare. You were there for me…
for every attempt. I-If you blame yourself, if you sit here and say that you deserved to be alone because you did it, then that applies to me and every goddamn time I took a blade to my skin.
Every fucking time I swallowed mouthfuls of pills and liquor. ”
My lip quivered, and my arm covered my eyes. “I know, but I can’t… can’t stop the thoughts—”
“Please…” Thorne breathed, extending an arm in my direction. “Please, come here.”
I shook my head. “I don’t deserve it. Thorne…”
“Matt, get over here. I will not ask again.”
Tears spilled down my cheeks as I nearly launched myself into his embrace. “Thorne, fuck, I’m s-so sorry. I am. I’m so sorry. Everything. I’m sorry for everything,” I wailed, unable to keep it contained.
Curling himself around me, he brought me into his chest. Hand settling on the back of my head, he cradled me in his arms, my face burrowing into that place in his neck where I’d cried in the past. He loosened a shaky exhale, each syllable he uttered shattering more than the last.
“You… You call me if that happens. Do you understand me?” He sniffled, nuzzling into the crown of my head as another sob fell from him. “You fucking call me.”
“Okay,” I cried. “I-I will, Thorne. But I need you to know… know I’m so sorry—”
“No,” Thorne whispered, planting a gentle kiss where his nose had been resting against my scalp.
“I held a fucking grudge, and you were drowning, begging for someone to listen, and I… I had my head shoved too far up my ass to realize it. I was selfish… and I’m so fucking sorry you had to go through all of that alone… ”
Nodding, I clung to him as I had in the past. “I’m sorry for hiding it.
Not telling you everything after Iraq when…
when I had to go alone. I struggled with that, and then it kept piling and piling until I didn’t even know I was drowning.
I don’t… don’t want to do it again. Hurt myself.
Hurt you. But… But I don’t trust myself. Not yet.”
Fingers tracing softly over my arm, he pressed his face into my hair again. “We work through it together… No more secrets. No more hiding. And if you ever get a thought or a tendency to self-harm… a single suicidal ideation… You call me. And I… I will do the same.”
“Please… I just want… want my best friend back.”
The utterance left me, and a new wave of grief followed like a crashing wave.
I missed him. I had missed him for so long.
We used to do everything together, but now?
Now I was lucky to see him once or twice every couple of months.
I knew it was my fault for staying in the ranks after everything that happened, for avoiding him because I didn’t want to confess everything I was dealing with, but it didn’t lessen the ache in my heart.
We were brothers, and there wasn’t anyone who would ever compare to him.
Not even Lev could take that spot.
“I-I’m right here…” he breathed, his hold tightening. “I’m right here, Matt.”
“Don’t let me leave… I won’t… won’t let you go either anymore. I can’t… I just fucking can’t.”
Moving, he slipped his face beside mine, our cheeks brushing. “I-I’m not leaving ever again. I can’t do this life without you, so please… Please stay. Starting today… Don’t go home. Just stay the night…”
Dipping my chin, I settled against him, my shattered inhales leveling with each reassurance. “I’ll stay.” Eyelids growing heavy, I repeated it. “I’ll stay…”
He shifted beneath me, and just as I went to move because I assumed he wanted me off him, he tugged me upward.
Settling against the headboard, he brought me to rest against his chest, his legs tangling with mine.
The soft lines he traced on my skin grew in length, starting at my wrist before traveling all the way up to my shoulder.
“I’ve got you… I’ve always got you… No matter what happens.”
“Always got you, too…” I mumbled, falling further into that abyss.
The last thing I felt was Mercy nuzzling her way between us, her heavy head landing on my sternum as she tucked herself against me. The chime of a collar was my send-off, and just before I dipped into the darkness, I felt Prince curl up beside my feet.
Home.
I am home.