Chapter 38
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
LIAM
Stepping out onto the patio, the gentle breeze tousled my hair but did nothing to expel my nausea. Hands trembling, I struggled to hold on to my crutches, my clammy palms evidence of my internal turmoil.
I inhaled shakily, struggling to fight off the emotional wave that threatened to swallow me whole. Mind slipping, dissociation took over as Oren’s admittance replayed in the back of my mind, memories of my past overlapping with his words.
“Liam?”
Blinking once, I turned to look at Simon. “Hm?”
He took a step forward and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me tightly against his chest. “It’s okay if you’re not okay. There’s nothing you have to hide from me.”
The lump in my throat grew as I nuzzled into his neck, his pepper and cardamom scent swallowing me whole. Tears uncontrollably slipped, and a fractured sob followed. “I-I’m sorry… I’m trying…”
“Shhh, you’re doing amazing.”
“But I’m… I’m not…” Whimpering, I shook my head. “I-I’m too fucking broken, and I’m out here… making this shit about me and my trauma when Oren—”
Simon stroked my back, hand shifting to cradle the back of my head.
“You are hurting, sunshine. You are not making this about you because you went through the same things he did. You are not expected to sit there and listen. And you sure as hell are not expected to plaster a smile on your face to hide your emotions. Liam, I know you feel broken, but I will mend you back one conversation, one kiss, one hug at a time.”
“I-I’m taking away from Oren by not being there… I can’t even fucking listen…” Tears rolled down my cheeks as I clung to him, a tremor rolling through me. “I can’t be there… for… for our friend…”
“Yes, you can, and you have. You’re there for him in the capacity you can be, and we can always go back in when you’re ready. There’s no rush, because Oren understands. We all do. I know it’s difficult. I know you feel bad because that’s how you are. You care about Oren a lot.”
“But I’m not, Simon.” Gasping for air, I struggled to ground myself amidst my building panic. “I can’t be there… I can’t be there for him. I’m failing.”
Simon pulled back slightly, pressing two fingers under my chin to lift my gaze to his. “You are not failing; you are human. You’ve endured more—”
“No, I haven’t! I am no more important than Oren!” I screamed, shoving him away from me. Tripping over my own feet, a spike of pain ripped through me as I caught myself on my bad leg. “Ah, shit!”
“Liam!” Immediately bouncing back as if I hadn’t pushed him, Simon’s arm cradled me, lifting my injured leg from its weight. “Sunshine, don’t do that!”
The screen door slapped open, Oren’s voice flooding out. “Liam, are you okay? We heard you—”
“Oren, not right now,” Simon shouted. “Go inside. He’s alright, just give us some space.”
“Okay—”
“You’re being a fucking asshole,” I spat, agony leading my frustration before I glanced over my shoulder. “I-I’m okay, Oren. Just… moved wrong.”
“There are chairs to the left if you need them. But I’ll… give you some privacy,” he said before stepping back inside.
Continuing to hold me, Simon exhaled. “I’m not… trying to be an asshole. You scared me.”
“Oren just confided in us about horrific shit. Shit I’ve witnessed first hand, and you want to treat him like he’s a hindrance after that?”
“No! I just… just wanted to make sure you were alright, and I didn’t think having him out here would help you calm down. I didn’t mean to make it seem like he was a hindrance, because he’s not.”
Wincing, I shifted away from him, another bout of pain slithering beneath my skin. “I-It doesn’t matter. I’m fine. Let’s just go inside.”
“No, you’re not! And we aren’t going inside until you talk to me. We promised we wouldn’t hide our emotions anymore—”
“You already know!” I shouted, my jaw feathering.
“Everything about that man… Stefan… Is fucking horrific. What I witnessed and endured is something I would never want anyone else to go through, and now fucking Oren… God, fucking Oren shares that trauma with me. And the goddamn guilt that has grown after finding that out? It’s eating me alive! ”
“Yeah? And that’s okay! You’re okay to struggle with it, to not be okay with what happened. It’s a lot!” he yelled, stepping back to me and wrapping his arms around my shaking frame. “You’re not okay, and you might not be for a while, but you’re safe—”
“I will never be safe, Simon. Not until Stefan is dead.”
Simon swallowed, and the realization in his eyes made me know he finally understood. “You’re not… not really until he’s dead. And knowing he’s out there somewhere? I can’t imagine… imagine what you’re feeling.”
“I’m fucking exhausted, Simon. I’m sick of looking over my shoulder and wondering if he will show up again, if he will touch me again, if he will… take me again…” Swallowing the nausea, I loosened the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. “I… I’m fucking scared.”
“I know you are… have been scared, and I’m so sorry I can’t provide you any more comfort.” His head rested on mine, and he played with the ends of my hair. “But I will be here for you… for whatever I can do.”
“I just want it to end…” I whispered. “I just want to live.”
“I want us to live too. I want you to live. I want… I want a future with you where you won’t be frightened, and I believe we will get that with their help. I trust them, and whatever Oren can give us, it’ll push us one step closer to finally ending this nightmare.”
“That’s all I want…” Lifting my chin, I glanced up at him. “I just want our future, honey. I just want… I want to start a family with you.”
“Me too. I want that more than anything. I want… want kids. I want a home filled with laughter and love. Something you were never given, Liam. That’s what I want, and I’ll fight for that dream to come true.”
I sniffled, nodding. “I want to become a dad with you…”
His lip trembled, and glossiness coated his hazel irises. “Me too, Liam. Only with you.” Cradling my cheek, he leaned closer. “I want to kiss you, but I don’t… don’t want to push you.”
“Please…” My tongue trailed over my lips as I fought back another round of sorrow. “P-Please… I thought that you… didn’t want me anymore because of what happened… because… because I was tainted by him again.”
“Never, sunshine. Never.” Hovering an inch above me, he continued. “You’re not tainted, not in my eyes. You’re still perfectly mine.”
“Then why haven’t you…” Biting the inside of my cheek, I looked down. “No… It’s okay. I get it…”
Curling his pointer finger beneath my chin, he tilted it upward until his lips met mine.
Tongue darting out, he groaned softly, tangling one hand in my hair, the other still providing support for my leg.
Leveraging his touch, I pressed myself closer and opened wider for him as I settled my palms on his hips.
Waves of pleasure rolled through me as I mirrored his actions, desperate for him to have me again.
Swiping against my molars, he became more feral with each motion, hauling me flush against him. Moaning, he nipped at my bottom lip, rolling it between his teeth before pulling back. He was panting heavily as his forehead touched mine.
“Fuck, Liam… I’ve missed you, missed that.”
Cock tenting my sweats, I glanced down before looking up at him, a soft laugh following. “I-I, uh… I need you.”
Brow raising, that familiar glint of lust dilated his pupils. “I see that… Are… Are you sure you’ll be okay? I mean, I want to, very fucking much, but we can take it slow, and if I do anything that you don’t like, you let me know, and I’ll immediately stop.”
Nodding, I brushed my hips against his. “I want this. I want you. Hell, I’ve fucking… I’ve missed it. You make me feel safe, Sai.”
“So do you, Liam.” Kissing my temple, that lazy grin returned. “We should probably go inside and let them know we’re leaving. Maybe… Maybe we say there was a phone call we needed to take, or the pipes burst in our home? I don’t fucking know…”
“Or we can just… tell them we want to fuck?” My face heated with the words as I bit my bottom lip. “I’m sure they would understand.”
“Alright. With your permission, I’ll tell them.” After situating me against one of the wooden beams outside, he gathered my crutches and handed them to me. “And don’t scare me again like that. You’re still healing. Got it?”
“I got it.” Shoving his head away from me playfully, I smiled. “Go.”
Chuckling, he headed over to the door and opened it. Waiting until I crossed through the threshold to step in and close the door, he walked around me toward the kitchen after it slammed behind us.
Before he even took two strides, Oren was already stepping around the corner from the dining area. His eyes were red, nose irritated as if he’d been crying while we were gone.
“I-I’m sorry if I said something that triggered you both. I didn’t mean to hurt either of you, and I didn’t mean to impose outside. I know… know what I’ve done is bad, and I’m sorry for causing any more harm, especially to you, Liam, as I never wanted to… to hurt you.”
“Oren… You have nothing to apologize for. I’m sorry for yelling at you when I didn’t mean to. Liam stepped wrong, and it freaked me out. I didn’t mean to take my anger out on you, and there’s nothing wrong with what you’ve done. You did it to survive, just like Liam did.”
Oren sniffled, rubbing his arms. “I’m still sorry for… for even playing a role in it. I should’ve… should’ve asked for help, or refused, or done something—”
“No, please don’t apologize, Oren.” Every ounce of me wanted to reach out and touch him, to place my hand over his shoulder to provide some semblance of comfort, but I couldn’t.
Not with my body relying on my crutches to keep me upright.
“I’m sorry for taking away from what you shared with us.
It was brave. And… And I’m really sorry that I couldn’t stay and listen to all of it. ”