5. Ivy
CHAPTER 5
Ivy
T he Present
If I do this, the possibility of success is likely to be fifty-fifty.
But then again, they say ignorance is bliss. If I embrace ignorance, then I’ll be stress-free, worry-free, anxiety-free, and I can go on living my life.
But then again, do I have a life?
If being an expert pretender means having a life, then I think mine is fairly successful.
Nothing screams excitement better than a two-faced life, right?
But then again, I don’t want that. I’ve never wanted that.
Even in the moments I’ve wanted to die, begged the earth to open up and swallow me, there was still a spark of hope somewhere in me, longing for life.
A life where I no longer disappoint the people I’ve hurt.
A life where I’m truly confident, happy and loved, not whatever it is that I am now.
A ragged sigh escapes my lips.
I can’t be ignorant. In fact, ignorance will be the death of me.
I can’t proudly adopt something that will only make me an even bigger burden.
A failure.
A big pile of wasted energy and attention.
“Well?” The phone crackles with an exasperated voice. “Have you done it yet?”
I stare at my computer screen. At this point, I can’t even make out the words.
Everything is just blurry and out of shape. Hell, I’d even forgotten that I’m still on the phone.
“No.”
“Jesus, Ivy, are you being for real right now?”
I can hear the annoyance in my brother’s voice. My stomach tightens with anxiety.
A few years ago, I had a habit of biting my nails in these situations. It took three specialists and counselors to help me break that vicious habit.
But right now with the flood of nervous energy in my stomach, I almost revert to that shy, insecure girl.
“You texted me that it’s done over an hour ago. I called you right at that second. I’ve been on the phone with you since…but you still haven’t done it?” Samuel says in a low, clipped tone.
I can tell he’s trying to stay calm but is doing a shoddy job of it.
“It’s not the code. I’m done with that and sent you back the program,” I grumble. “The security should be upgraded two hundred times by now.”
“Oh you did?” Samuel’s voice changes. “Brilliant. That’s brilliant.”
“What are you even using that code for anyway?” I ask, feeling weird. “You’ve asked me to work on it for the past few years.”
“You don’t have to worry about that,” he responds, waving me off like he always does.
“But–”
“Have you opened your results yet?”
And just when I thought I had effectively changed the topic, we’re back to this.
“Samuel…” I start in a small voice. There’s a sheen of sweat covering my brow.
I’ve been bouncing my knee for over an hour, which is ridiculous since I’ve been here before.
This isn’t new to me. At this point, I’m pretty sure the test graders know my name and credentials by heart, but still, that doesn’t stop the nervous breakdown about to take over my entire soul and body.
“Dude, what’s the hold up?” Samuel demands seriously.
“I’m nervous, okay!”
Samuel sighs over the line, as if defeated.
Pinpricks of tears sting my eyes.
I’ve disappointed and hurt my brother once before.
After that, I swore I’d never do it again.
But years later, here I am, disappointing him and Grammy all over again because I’m an dumb.
I can’t do anything right.
I fail at simple things.
And I’m a liar.
“Ivy, sweetheart,” Samuel starts, ready to give me yet another pep talk. “This isn’t a big deal at all, okay? No matter what’s on the other side of those results, you’re still a brilliant, intelligent, amazing young lady who will do incredible things in the world. Those results don’t define you…”
I try my best to hang on to the familiar words my brother has recited to me three times before…when I failed the MCATs each time.
My throat begins to burn. A clammy feeling takes root in my chest.
I know I’m going to cry.
Who fails the MCATs all three times in a single testing year? Me, that’s who.
An individual can only take the MCATs seven times in their lifetime, and here I am sitting on three down, severely hesitating to find out the results of the fourth try.
My brother has been at the top of all his classes…WITHOUT STUDYING AT ALL!
My grandfather was rumored to be at the top of his med school class at Johns Hopkins. In fact, he was personally handpicked by several schools that wanted him.
Grammy aces everything. She doesn’t need a calculator to do complex math.
I’m the only pariah in the family.
Stupid, pathetic and cursed.
“Ivy!” Samuel snaps, bringing me back to reality.
“Huh?”
“Are you zoned out again?”
I fall silent.
The thing about me? I’m almost always get stuck in my head. And my brother knows it.
“No!”
Samuel sighs again. “You know what, I’m kinda busy. How about you let me know when you’re ready to pull some courage?”
Oh God.
As he says that, I get simultaneous texts from my friends, Astraea and Kim, both asking how I did.
A familiar feeling strikes my heart.
I clutch my chest, feeling the burn as I read the texts.
“I passed,” I choke out.
The two seemingly innocent words fly out of my mouth before I can stop them.
“What?” Samuel’s voice crackles over the line, but I remain silent, my heart thundering, body trembling with so much guilt.
I’m a liar.
“Did you just say what I think you said?” Samuel asks, a burst of excitement in his voice. “You passed the MCATs, right?”
Oh my God, what have I done?
Why did I say that?
“Uh…” I start but he cuts me off.
“Hey, everyone! My sis is about to be a badass doctor, y’all! She just passed the MCATs!” he shouts.
“Jesus, Samuel, who are you talking to?”
“Who else? It’s my entire office!” Samuel says with so much pride and joy that I’ve never heard from him before. Well, I have, but I was never the source of that happiness.
“You told your colleagues, S-Samuel!” I stutter as my heart kicks into overdrive.
This time, a shudder goes through my spine. Sweat starts dripping down from my forehead as I hear what sounds like thunderous applause and cheers from Samuel’s side.
“Ey! On behalf of my sister, I’m treating all you asshats to a drink at happy hour as you all celebrate my sister!”
An even more ruckus cheer sounds… meanwhile, it’s all based on a lie.
“Samuel…”
“Ah shit, Ivy, I knew you could do it! I knew you would make Grammy and Gramps proud! You’re following in our grandftaher’s steps the way they wanted! Damn, call Grammy! She’s going to burst in tears.”
Oh no… Grammy.
If she finds out I lied…
“Hey, send me a screenshot of your results and let me post them to brag!”
Oh shit!
It gets even worse.
Just tell him it was a joke…
But how do I do that?
“Send it as soon as you can, okay? I just texted Grammy that you got good news for her, as well as those med school acceptances coming your way now, huh?” Samuel starts laughing in excitement. “Fuck! This is great! You’ve worked so hard! Have you told your friends yet?”
What have I done?
I’m going to have a stroke and die.
“I gotta go, but I just sent a text to King and the boys! I bet they will be excited for you as well.”
“What?” I croak. “You’ve already told them?”
Jesus, Samuel’s stellar ability to multitask is ridiculous sometimes.
“Well, of course, sis!” He laughs. “Why wouldn’t we share the news that Doctor Ivy Marie Irving is about to take over the medical scene by storm? Christina Yang’s got nothing on my sister!”
“She’s a fictional character,” I mumble as I start to feel faint, but how apt. I have more in common with a fictional character than I have with reality.
Oh God…please open up the earth to swallow me. This time I mean it.
“You’re still coming down, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Hey, why is your voice down?” Samuel questions with concern. No one detects psychological patterns better than my brother.
“Uhh, I’m just still in shock.”
“Oh, right, that’s normal but Ivy, this is now a reality! You passed! You’re going to be the next doctor in the Irving family line! Something our mother couldn’t do! You are about to scale and leap above her!”
His words make me freeze.
Our mother… the lady that abandoned us after I was born and never looked back.
The lady I spent my childhood crying for, begging for, even willing to run away to find, up until that very act of stupidity took my grandfather away…
“This has nothing to do with that lady,” I say in a clipped tone.
Samuel falls silent. Then he sighs. “Damn right. This has nothing to do with her!”
We both fall silent this time until Samuel tells me he has to go and hangs up.
Mother?
I don’t have a mother.
And I don’t have my grandfather either…
What I have, however, is a pathetic, sad, depressing life full of lies.
Now what am I going to do?
My phone lights up and buzzes with texts from my friends.
Astraea : OMG!!!! Just heard! CONGRATULATIONS BEAUTIFUL!!! Can’t wait to see you!
Kim : Look at you, Dr. Ivy!!!!! Congrats babe! Can’t wait to party! P.S. I miss you sm!
Noah: I knew it! I bet a solid grid on you! LET’S FKNG GO!!!!!!
Alex: Spider told us. Congratulations, Doc! See you soon. Just a warning, my wife will go overboard. Again.
I’m sick to my stomach.
These texts are genuine. I know my friends are all happy and excited for me for real.
But what happens when they find out the truth?
What will happen to Grammy?
Obviously, she’ll be even more disappointed in me. It took years for her to even look at me without hatred and now…
Oh God, what have done?
My phone pings again with a text. For some insane reason, I expect the text to be from someone specific but instead it’s Grammy.
Gran : At work, but I knew it! Well done, baby girl. I’m so incredibly proud of you! Can’t wait to celebrate next week when you’re back!
Gran : P.S. All the nurses and doctors in the E.R said congratulations. When it’s time, pick our hospital!
Oh fuck!
As my heart thunders to a dangerous point, I stare up at my computer screen at a loss.
I’m still on the login page. I haven’t even typed in my username.
Hell, I don’t think I even remember my password and yet, just from one outright lie, everyone in my life now thinks I passed.
Was it the pressure of how pathetic everyone thinks I am?
Maybe it’s the repeated cycle of failure even though I’ve literally hung my entire life around books, test papers, study guides, tutorials, extra classes…anything to help me, trust and believe, I’ve pursued it.
And I still failed. Three times.
A single hot trail of tears falls down from my left eye, down my cheek to my chin.
I can feel the saltiness of the tears, feeling itchy on my skin, but that has nothing on the panic about to break out.
I can’t survive a lie…but I can’t tell the truth either.
Before I can think clearly, I start typing with lightning speed on my laptop.
I pull up a program I’ve resisted to touch for the past few weeks, but subconsciously, I had already started building the code…right after the second rejection.
In a blind haze, I type, configure, and build the code, the firewalls, the dupes and misdirects, and then build it some more from paranoia.
By the time I’m done, not only is my back covered by a fine sheen of sweat, but it's already dark out and my phone has fifteen missed calls and fifty unread texts from my friends.
I don’t open them, however. I just stare at my laptop screen and what I’ve just done.
There, in front of me, is a near-perfect score, now displayed for all the schools I applied to, for their consideration.
What have I done?
I just broke several federal and criminal laws…
But then again, I’d been doing that for the past three years…and so far, no one has been the wiser.
If only that were true.