Chapter 7 Shannen
Shannen
The second I see Lianna’s face, I exhale. I widen my eyes and give her a look, tapping my ear and gesturing upward toward the ceiling—a silent he can hear you warning, but she just rolls her eyes like I’m the one being dramatic.
“Like I give a shit what that limp-dicked psycho hears.”
Not limp. Ever. But yeah, not the point right now.
Lianna strolls in, kicks off her heels the way she always does, and throws herself down on the couch.
“I ordered Chinese,” I mutter, falling beside her.
“Did you get chicken fried rice?”
“Don’t ask stupid questions.”
“Thank God, I’m craving it so bad right now.”
“Are you pregnant?”
“Hell no. Gross. Could you imagine me with a baby?” Lianna scrunches her nose and makes a gagging sound.
I bark out a laugh because she’s not wrong. Maternal instinct skipped right over us, and we both know it.
Two… So they’ll never be alone the way we were, and it’s not too many that I lose even a second of you when I need you most.
Phoenix and I having kids is laughable—yet it still makes me ache somewhere deep inside because I used to replay those fantasies obsessively in my head.
I was so sure I had an entire future with him.
A beautiful house tucked away from the rest of the world, surrounded by trees that swayed in the breeze, soft grass under bare feet, and star-filled skies we would lie under for hours.
I’d imagine Phoenix in the kitchen with me, sleeves rolled up to his elbows.
We’d be terrible at cooking—we’d burn food, mess up measurements, and learn how to be adults the hard way, laughing too loud at our mistakes because we finally had a home that was ours—a place where no one could hurt us and where the past no longer existed.
And somewhere in that space, running through those rooms, there’d be a kid with his black hair and that same infuriating, devastating smile.
It was dumb kid shit I’d cling to when I needed to escape the cruel hell I was living in. But those fantasies were my lifeline once, and now here I am, with no dreams for that future at all.
“So… he’s really listening in?”
“I expect so.”
“And you’re actually ignoring him like I told you to?” I nod, and she just glares at me, nailing her eyes right through me like she’s trying to find the lie. “How’s that working out?”
“Yeah, you know… fine.”
“You dirty little liar,” she snaps, already grinning like the devil. “Tell me everything.”
Before I can say a word, she throws her head back dramatically, her long dark hair spilling down the back of my couch.
“Alexa, play something loud enough to piss off God.”
Evanescence explodes through the speakers, the volume so high it rattles the floor beneath my feet. Lianna just smirks and slides closer until her breath is hot against my ear.
“Have you taken his virginity yet?”
“No, and I won’t be.”
“Boo. You fucking should. Take it, wreck him, then toss him out.”
“I’m not doing that.”
“So what did you do? Fingers? Mouth?”
“Neither. I mean—kind of. Not really.”
“Okay, literally nothing you just said made any sense.”
“He dry-humped me.”
“In clothes?”
“No.”
“Wait—like, bare?” At my nod, she shrieks.
“So he just—raw dick to clit, grinding away? Jesus, that’s so hot.
Did he tap it? Like that little tap-tap thing right before a guy really tries to own it?
Fuck, I love that. That’s a straight-up this pussy belongs to me move. Was it good? Did he get you off?”
I rub a hand over my face. “After he came all over me and used himself as lube, yes.”
“I’m dead. I’m jealous. I kind of wish I could watch.”
“Considering he has cameras in here that I still can’t fucking find, I could probably get him to send you the footage.”
“Maybe I’ll go knock on his door and ask him.”
“What am I doing, Lianna?” It’s barely a whisper, but it feels like I’m confessing that I’m already too far gone here.
“Well, you’re fighting two halves of yourself, that’s for sure.”
“I need you to help me dig myself out of this before I lose myself in him again.”
She leans in slowly, all humor fading, lowering her voice so no one else in the world could hear what she’s about to say.
“I think the fact that you haven’t let him go after all this time… that you haven’t called the cops or kicked him out and are letting him touch you says everything. The part of you that’s just as obsessed with him as he is with you? Yeah, babe, she’s winning.”
I pull back, just slightly, but she follows, her green eyes soft now. She’s not judging. She never would.
“I’m not saying you should forgive him, but I think you need to ask yourself if you could, because it’s okay if the answer is yes.
It doesn’t make you weak or stupid or broken.
” She pauses, then adds, “What you need to do is give yourself permission to draw your own lines, whatever they look like. If those lines mean you feel safe with him, and you want his version of love, no matter how fucked up it might be, then stop punishing yourself for it.”
“His version of love scares me,” I whisper back.
“Because he’s hurt people?” Lianna’s eyes search mine, but I shake my head. “Because you think he’d hurt you?”
I shake it again, harder this time, more certain than I’ve ever been about anything in my life, because Phoenix would rip himself apart and break his own bones before he’d bruise mine.
“If I let myself have him and then lose him, I don’t think I’d survive. And I don’t want to be that stupid woman who lets a murderer into her life and pretends it’s normal. I know he has a darkness, Lianna. A deep, violent, beautiful kind of darkness…”
“But haven’t you always known that? You said he was like that when you were kids.”
“Yeah.”
“And yet you loved him anyway…” She tilts her head, watching me too closely. “Maybe think about that.”
A knock at the door comes seconds later, and thank fuck for the interruption because I don’t want to peel back that layer.
“That’ll be the food,” I mutter, halfway to standing when her hand closes around my arm.
“I’ll get it. You go open the wine. I have a feeling we’re going to need it.”