Chapter 11 Phoenix #2
I reach up and push a strand of her red hair behind her ear, my fingers lingering against her skin longer than they should, tracing the curve where her jaw meets her neck.
“I’ve been living half a life without you.
I’ve been walking around like half a man, but I’m almost whole, Shannen.
I’m so close. And I know you love me. I know you do.
” She shakes her head, her lips parting like she’s about to argue and deny our history, but I cut her off before she can get a single word out.
“I’m fine with you not realizing it yet or pretending you don’t. But don’t stand there and tell me you don’t recognize the boy who carried you out of that trailer the day your mom threw up all over your only pair of shoes, and you wouldn’t move because the floor was covered in needles.”
“Or how I ran six blocks with you in my arms because you wanted to stay out and feel the rain on your skin, and I was terrified you were going to freeze to death on me. You were laughing so hard you could barely breathe, and I looked at you and thought, If I can just keep her like this… If I can keep her laughing like this, nothing else would matter.”
Her breath hitches, and I feel the exact moment her body remembers what her mouth won’t say. Her shoulders drop, and her eyes shift—not away from me, but straight back into us. And not just the memory, but what we were before I picked up a bat and smashed everything to hell.
“I’m still him, baby.” My thumb traces her cheekbone, catching the tear that spills over. “He never left. I just buried him under all the shit I became.”
“It’s not about what happened anymore, Phoenix. I believe you. I believe what you told me about that day. But I can’t—” She swallows, her eyes hardening as she tries to shut the door I’m desperate to kick back open. “I won’t be that girl.”
“What girl?”
“The one who forgives you for all the bad,” she snaps, a bitter laugh escaping before she bites it back. “You’re a fucking killer, Phoenix. Jesus, why am I even—why am I still standing here having this conversation?”
“You’re not scared of me.”
“I am scared of you, but not for the reasons I should be. So what does that say about me?”
“It says that you know me, really know me. I’m not some psychotic monster who throws women in dumpsters and calls it a night. You know that.”
“I know…”
“No, you want to paint me as the villain because it’s easier that way. Because it fits this little story you’ve built in your head, where I’m dangerous and you’re smart enough to stay away.”
“This is ridiculous.”
“Don’t. I’m serious, Shannen—don’t do that. Don’t roll your eyes and laugh your way out of this.”
“I don’t want to give myself to you, and you know what? Fuck it. Yes—yes, I’m sexually attracted to you, Phoenix. Obviously. I’m not even going to pretend, but it ends there.”
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not. You can touch me, you can kiss me—hell, you can even fu—”
“I won’t fuck you until the day you look at me and call me yours. I’m not giving you that if I don’t get your name attached to it.”
“Fine,” she breathes out, almost laughing. “But let me tell you—you’re missing out because sex… sex is—”
“I suggest you don’t finish that fucking sentence,” I hiss, my teeth gritted, every word shaking with restraint I no longer have. “Not when you’re thinking about men who aren’t me.”
“My experience is only with men who aren’t you, so what exactly do you expect from me here?”
“Fuck!” I roar, the word tearing out of me.
My lungs burn, and my pulse is a hammer in my skull as every face of every man I’ve ever watched touch her flashes behind my eyes like a reel I can’t shut off.
“I can’t hear that from you anymore. I can’t fucking think—” I jab my fingers against my temple like I could dig the memories out if I press hard enough.
I push even harder until the pain gives me something else to focus on besides the image of her with someone else.
“You don’t get it. You’ll never get it. I know I did it to myself.
I know, but that doesn’t make it easier.
” I drag my hands over my face, then turn away from her, because if I look at her right now, I’ll break.
“It went beyond jealousy. I wanted to rip those fuckers from you. I wanted to drag you somewhere no one else could ever fucking touch you.”
“Then why the hell didn’t you?” she fires back. “You could’ve, Phoenix. You could’ve shown yourself. Why didn’t you?”
“The letters,” I choke out, spinning back to face her.
“The fucking letters. You never stopped hurting, and I never stopped punishing myself for that. I was bad to you. God, I was so fucking bad to you, but I swear to you, baby, just let me back in. Let me be good for you… to you. I can be. I will be.” I collapse to my knees at her feet, pressing my forehead into her stomach, rubbing it back and forth over her skirt.
My arms wrap around her waist, trembling as I hold her to me.
“What can I do? Tell me, Shannen. I’ll do anything. Just don’t send me away.”