30. Ivy #3
“You know I’m putting my life on the line for you, right? That bastard’s strategy for war is unmatched,” George says after we leave. “If he comes after me, I’m toast.”
“Yeah, well, this isn’t a game, Georgie. I turned in all my useless weapons.”
“Stop calling me that,” he grumbles.
“Yes, Georgie,” I chuckle. I used to call him that when were kids.
“Are you sure you won’t regret it?” he asks after a while, but I don’t answer.
There’s no answer to that.
“Just tell me when he signs the papers and the marriage is nullified.”
It’s not until I’m back in Westbrook Blues, after squeezing Grammy tightly, sharing a meal together and then dancing in the living room, do I fall apart in my room.
In the dead of night, I sob until my sheets are drenched like an ocean.
I cry myself silly, until a migraine pounds behind my temples and I pass out.
Grammy is sitting at my bedside, when I wake, soothing me.
“What happened, baby?” she asks urgently. “Even in your sleep you were still sobbing.”
I don’t have the words. I just weakly hang onto her and cry my heart out.
Before I know it, I’m numb again.
When my stream of consciousness trickles back like raindrops, my eyes flutter open.
My throat is so dry and sore, I can’t breathe without feeling the pain.
My eyes feel like someone placed stones over them and I feel numb all over.
Then I hear the slow, rhythmic beeping around me and realize I’m in a hospital.
When did that happen? Wasn’t I in my room?
The memories suddenly flood back in like a tidal wave.
Before I know it, I curl up into myself on the hospital bed as the tears come back afresh, and I fall apart.
It feels like someone tore my chest apart, savagely yanked out my insides, and stuffed dynamites in me, so I implode.
I clutch my chest and cry, that I pass out again.
When I come to, I hear a sweet, familiar but worried voice speaking close to me.
“She has a history of severe panic attacks, yes, but the last time it happened was years ago when she was fifteen.”
“Marie, your granddaughter’s chart has been kept sealed for years by someone. Even you don’t know everything, but I’ll tell you now. Ivy was admitted a couple of years ago for insomnia, anxiety, and depression.”
“What?”
“She came in after…”
“After what?”
“After she made an attempt.”
“No!”
Granny’s heartbreak and shock are clear, but there are things I have also kept from those around me. How can I explain that my heartbreak was too much after that Christmas vacation that I sunk to a very low place?
But this time, I don’t know if I’ll survive.
“My baby attempted to kill herself?” Grammy cries. “How?”
“I’m sorry, Marie,” the lady says gently. “I thought after she went back to school and focused on her goals, she’d be fine. She was doing well too.”
I keep my eyes closed, remembering the past.
I thought I had completely buried that but apparently not.
The one who caused me to spiral out of control was also the one who had a way of reeling me back in, demanding my surrender and yet all this time, I was just a means to an end for him.
I fall asleep again and surrender to the weightlessness…
Nothing can touch you when you shed your burdens and become numb. And so, I choose that state of existence over grief and reality.
So why did I do it when it looked like I had it all?
Because I want to be loved and I never want to be pathetic for love ever again.
Genuine love, even if it’s short-lived, has to be reciprocated and sincere. Not keeping one under bondage.
I don’t know how long I stay in that mindless state, but I’m strangely aware that my room is huge, sunny, and full of flowers.
I’m aware that pregnant Kimmy and Astraea come and stay with me in shifts.
Kim takes the night shifts. She cuddles me and strokes my hair, humming a silly song I’ll never remember.
Astraea spends most of the afternoon sitting in the garden with me in silence, not speaking unless she’s sharing news about my nephew, Knight.
They don’t ask. I don’t tell.
They also don’t tell me it’s all going to be all right. But they do fight, though.
The other day, Kimmy almost knocked out the doctor that tried to have me committed to a mental institution, arguing that I had mentally checked out and needed help.
“Help through drugs?” Kim snapped.
It took Noah and Alex to pull her back. Pregnant and all, she was ready to go.
“Who the hell do you think you are? You think textbooks tell you everything about her? She’s still herself! She just needs a moment, now fuck off!”
An argument ensued after that, but I looked away.
The next thing I know, I’m moved to another wing of the hospital.
Kimmy goes on and on about restricted access as she curses someone out. “He better fuck all the way off and go die somewhere!”
“Butterfly, maybe let’s?—”
“If you’re going to defend him, I don’t want to hear it. And if you still want us in your life, you should get on board! We’re in Ivy’s corner all the way through! She has done nothing but love that asshole openly and honestly! Fuck him!”
Sometimes when I look up, I see scary-looking men standing just outside the door. It reminds me of him, so I look away.
Grammy also comes in and sits with me, praying and crying silently.
Then Samuel showed up.
He took one look at me. I stared back, and then he left without a word. He hasn’t been back since.
One day, I ask Alex and Astraea about it.
They glance at each other with complicated looks on their faces. Alex sighs and then comes to sit by the bed and takes my hand.
“Spider’s out hunting, sweetheart,” he says gently, communicating what I know.
“Please, stop him,” I beg weakly. “Tell him everything was my fault.”
Akex only squeezes my hand and looks at his wife, who’s silently wiping tears away.
If my brother finds Emmett, will he tell him about…
Just as I think that, a world-renowned doctor I would recognize from anywhere due to all her impressive milestones in the medical field walks into the room.
My heart starts pounding so hard, but I keep my poker face on.
“We’ll be right outside, sweetheart,” Alex says, taking his wife’s hand and exiting the room.
Dr. Zaria comes closer, a gentle smile on her face and then she says the words I’ve known too.
“Okay, Ivy, all the tests so far came back clean and very impressive. Your baby is growing well!”