Chapter 38
DOVE
Three days.
More doctors than I can count.
Even a therapist drops by to initiate several conversations, prompted apparently by Bree, who wanted to ensure I wasn’t harboring any other maniacal desires to throw myself into launching helicopters.
Three days and finally the circus around me calms enough that sleep through the night with Felix right beside me.
Cracked ribs, two broken fingers, a scalp laceration, concussion, several deep contusions and minute abdominal bleeding; all worth it to see the look on Alex’s face when we crawled home.
Never in my life did I think I could love him more than I already did, but it’s possible.
The sun streams in through my window, a perfect blue sky stretches to the horizon without a single hint of any lingering smoke from the blaze that consumed the Salamone Estate, birds flit back and forth with one another, and I rest back against the pillows knowing I should get up.
For once, I’m enjoying the peace.
Painkillers keep the pain dulled and the softness of the bed mingled with the lingering scent of Felix is enough to soothe me almost right back to sleep. I almost give in if not for the knock at the door.
“Mom?”
“Alex? You okay, honey?”
The door cracks open and Alex peeks in through the gap. “Can we talk?” He pushes the door wider and steps in. “Felix said… he said you looked good today so maybe we could talk.”
My brows twitch, pulling at the scratches left down my cheek by Caterina. “Honey, you can always come and talk to me.” I brace my hands on the bed and push myself up further.
“I know. But this…” He swallows nervously. “I wanted to talk talk.”
“An important talk?” Despite knowing that I can handle whatever he says, my stomach tightens. “Sure, honey. We can talk. Come in.”
The way he closes the door and scurries toward me is reminiscent of when he was just a toddler, and warmth blooms through my chest. As soon as he sits on the edge of the bed, I take his hand between both of mine.
“Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing is wrong,” Alex says quietly. “I just… I want to understand everything that happened. Felix won’t tell me how he got hurt, how you got hurt, or even why that man kidnapped me. He told me it wasn’t his story to tell.”
“He’s right.”
“And before you say I’m not old enough to understand, I feel like since I lived through a lot of it, I deserve to know the truth.”
I wince slightly. “I raised you too well,” I chuckle. “You’re right. I suppose you do deserve to know the truth. What… what do you want to know?”
He glances down at our joined hands, then he shifts toward me more. “Everything?”
“Everything is a big ask, honey.”
“Then… your old life, why did you really leave?”
It’s a long story when I have to lay it out in detail to Alex, but to his nature he sits through the entire thing and listens as intently as he did when he was a child and still wanted me to read to him.
I explain all about Nico, telling him the truth about the attack and the reason I killed him, then the reason why I left.
Repeating the misunderstandings between Felix and I feels a little silly now that everything is out in the open, but it’s important to know the context to why I left and why I hid for so many years.
Explaining Caterina is like explaining the Devil but Alex doesn’t flinch when I detail why she hunted down my family, and why she was so determined to kill both of us.
But the entire story hinges on one detail that the idea of sharing makes my blood run cold.
“Alex… the reason Nico hated me so much, and the reason Caterina did as well was because of Felix. Nico felt like I was taking Felix from him and Caterina seemingly felt the same toward the end. He’s a powerful man and his influence was the key to her power.
She kept him under her thumb using guilt for years. ”
“But why?” Alex asks softly. “Just because he loves you?”
“Partly, yes. But… Alex, I was pregnant back then. And Felix was the father. That pregnancy is what triggered Nico’s jealousy and in short, triggered the whole thing.”
Alex blinks at me with wide eyes. “Pregnant?”
“With you.” The heaviest two words I’ve ever uttered. “Do you understand, honey?” I’m fighting not to say it because saying it makes it real and risks not only hurting Alex, but kicking up another painful event for my son.
He’s already been through so much.
Alex doesn’t reply. He just stares at you.
“Felix… is your father, honey. And I kept it a secret because, as I said before, I was mistaken in believing he had a hand in my family’s slaughter.
But he wasn’t there. He wasn’t involved and for a long time, he had no idea that Caterina was behind it either.
I’m sorry I lied and said your father was dead.
At the time… to me, he was. And I never intended to ever come back to this life.
More fool me, though.” I sigh deeply. “It never lets you go.”
Alex remains quiet.
He sits beside me, deep in thought, and doesn’t speak until the sun sinks low enough to peek through my window. “Is it my fault?”
“What?” I clutch at his shoulder. “Honey, why would you ever think that?”
“Because I stole the car.” He slowly lifts his eyes to meet mine. “If I hadn’t done this, none of this would ever have happened, right?”
Affectionately rubbing his shoulder, I smile.
“Alex, it wasn’t anything to do with that.
Yes, the car drew some attention but my past would have caught up with me eventually.
If it wasn’t the car then it would have been something else.
The longer we stayed hidden, the greater the risk of being found.
In some ways… you stealing that car created the best situation for us to survive because it brought Felix back to us and without him, I don’t think we would have made it. ”
He nods slowly although he doesn’t look entirely convinced.
“How are you feeling?” I ask cautiously. “It’s a lot to take in. Especially… Felix.”
“Does he know?” Alex asks softly. “That I’m his son.”
I nod. “Yes, but he only found out after the fire at his penthouse. He didn’t know before then. I kept that from him.”
He shifts against me and runs his fingers along the seam of his jeans, toying with a loose thread he finds. “I have a dad?”
My chest squeezes as if my cracked ribs have given up trying to hold themselves together. “Yes, honey. You always did. Are you angry with me?”
He meets my gaze. “For what?”
“For hiding all of this from you?”
“I…” His face twists. “I don’t know how I feel. It’s a lot. I sort of feel out of breath.”
“Take your time, honey. Once you process and work out how you’re feeling, we can deal with it.”
“Even if I hate you?” he asks with a small, cheeky smile.
“Even if you hate me.”
Alex nods, seemingly relieved that I won’t villainize him for his feelings. “What about Felix?”
“What about him?” I ask softly.
“Is he going to be… around now?”
My heart screams yes. Finding a love like Felix again after all these years is too painful to consider leaving, but it isn’t about me. Not with Alex in the picture. “Well… honestly, honey, it’s up to you. I… don’t want you in this life but it’s become clear that this life never wants to let me go.”
Alex squints at me. “Are you going to be a crime lord?”
“No, honey.” I laugh. “What I mean is… what you want to do is most important to me. Do you want to leave and be safe? I’ll take you to another country and we’ll live under new names.
Do you want to get to know Felix and have him in your life?
I can make that happen. Do you want to stay here?
As much as it pains me, we could do that too but in that case I would train you to protect yourself more than I have done in the past. I’m not…
putting this huge decision on you, don’t get me wrong, but how you feel after you’ve processed everything? That’s what’s important to me.”
Alex suddenly leans in and throws his arms around me. “Thanks, Mom.”
“For what?”
“I was scared you were gonna treat me like a kid and lie to me.”
“I’ll always treat you like a kid,” I murmur into his hair, hugging him tightly. “You’re my baby. You’ll always be my baby.” Those words bring forth an unexpected pang of sympathy as Caterina’s face flashes in my mind.
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too. To the moon and back.”
He pulls away and sighs. “I need to go and think.”
“Will you tell me what you decide, when you’re ready?” Cupping his face, I tuck a few of his loose curls behind his ear.
“Sure.”
“Thank you.” I kiss his forehead and Alex slips from the bed, toying with his fresh cast as he hurries away.
No sooner has the door closed, though, than another knock echoes and Felix wanders in. “Good talk?”
“Were you spying?” I narrow my eyes.
“I may have overheard one or two things,” Felix admits as he walks closer. “When I arrived, you two were still in deep discussion. I was bringing you food, but it was Bree’s stew and it’s cold now, so I sent it back to be reheated.”
He sits exactly where Alex was only minutes before, only he leans over me and braces his hand on the other side of my legs, smiling warmly.
“What?” I ask, as a sudden, unexpected shyness washes over me from being caught in his intense gaze.
“Nothing,” he murmurs. “I just love looking at you.”
“It’s making me self-conscious.”
“Is it? Or are you just so not used to being admired?” His smile widens slightly. “I never want to stop looking at you.”
My heart tightens. I know what he means by that. He wants to stay and a large, aching part of me wants that too. But if Alex chooses differently, I can’t ignore how he feels.
“Felix—.”
“Wait.” He sits up straighter. “I think I know what you’re going to say but before you do, I need you to know how much I love you.”
“I—.”
“Please.” Felix’s voice softens. “Back then when I lost you, I wasn’t kidding that it nearly killed me.
I never… never thought I would get to feel anything ever again until I walked into your apartment and it was like something inside me turned on for the first time in decades.
And all I could think about was keeping you with me, keeping you safe so I wouldn’t lose you.
And then I lost you again when that helicopter came down—.
” His voice cracks slightly. “I thought you’d died.
It was carnage. I saw my future. Cold and empty only this time I’d have a real grave to visit.
But you were alive and I—.” He blinks quickly and distracts himself by taking my hand.
“I lost you twice, Dove. I can’t do it a third time. I love you. I love everything about you. I love how determined you are, how strong and protective you are, how sweet and funny and self-sacrificing. I love how you never back down. You’re the strongest person I know.”
“You just love that I can kick your ass,” I whisper.
He smirks. “Maybe. My point is… I want you. I want to be in your life. I want to love you and take care of you and Alex. No more secrets, no more deaths, no more hidden agendas. Just me and you and the life we can build together.”
It’s tempting.
It’s the most tempting thing I’ve ever heard in my life and I ache to say yes, but I can’t. I can’t give in when I don’t know where Alex stands.
“Alex knows the truth,” I murmur. “He knows you’re his dad.”
Felix stiffens. “Is he… I mean, how did he take it?”
“Surprisingly well. I think in the context of everything else, it being a secret made sense to him.”
“I…” He wiggles his shoulders a little. “What does that mean?”
“I don’t know, Felix. I can’t make that choice for him. He wanted the truth, the whole truth, so I gave it to him. I can’t have him living in the dark anymore, it’s too dangerous. But he needs to make this decision on his own.”
Felix’s face falls.
“Do you see?” I cup his face and my lower lip wobbles while tears threaten in the corner of my eyes.
“It doesn’t matter how deeply I love you, or how badly I want to be with you every waking second of every day.
It doesn’t matter that I feel safe in your arms or that sleeping next to you brings me infinite peace.
I c-can’t say those things and mean them because… . because….”
“Because you’re a mother,” Felix finishes for me, his voice soft. “And Alex is the most important thing to you.”
I nod slowly and quickly wipe away a couple of tears that escape when I blink. “I don’t want to hurt you again, Felix. But Alex is and always will be my priority.”
The pain on his face will haunt me, even as he smiles. “I understand, Dove. Isn’t that what true love is? Understanding?”
I stroke my thumb along his cheek and guide him in for a sweet, slow kiss.
True love.
That’s what we always were, isn’t it?