Chapter 32
Thirty-Two
The world around me blurs as I see Mateo striding across the grass.
My breath catches, my heart lurches, time slows, and he’s there walking through a field bathed in a dim evening glow, his eyes locked on me like nothing else exists.
He’s more handsome than I remember – his hair thicker, his jaw more defined, his tall frame more imposing and confident – sending all the air whooshing from my lungs.
I’ve missed him. I want to run to him. Only when the speckled grey horse pushes me back a step as she nibbles gently at my pocket does everything snap back into action.
My brain kicks in, I inhale a deep breath, the horses lift their heads, alert to his presence.
‘W-what are you doing here?’ I stammer in shock as he nears, his hand reaching to pat the hindquarters of the grey.
‘I’m here to see a man about a horse.’ His lips twitch into a small, secretive smile like he knows something I don’t. ‘Lady M sent me.’ He comes to a stop in front of me, reaching up to run a hand down the neck of the grey who moves her head round to greet him eagerly. ‘What do you think of her?’
‘Who?’
He gestures to our curious friend now checking his pockets for treats. ‘She’s a former racehorse. A very successful one. Lady M knows the owner – he got in touch to say he was selling her. She’d need to be trained up, but Lady M is convinced she’d make an excellent polo pony. What do you think?’
I stare at him, my mouth running dry. ‘Uh.’ I glance up at the pony, who snorts in frustration that neither of us have provided any snacks. She doesn’t move off, though, keen to stay in our company. ‘I don’t know. You’re the one who knows about this stuff.’
‘I’d like to know what you think,’ he insists.
‘I don’t know,’ I repeat, flustered and confused.
‘What does your gut tell you?’
I breathe out all the air in my cheeks, looking up at the pony again, her eyes bright, intelligent and shining beneath long eyelashes, her breathing calm and steady as she waits for my verdict. I reach up to stroke down her nose and she exhales in contentment.
‘I like her,’ I say eventually, rubbing the soft bit at the end of her nose, her whiskers tickling my cheek as she lifts her head in gratitude.
‘She seems to have a calm temperament and she is obviously comfortable around people, not showing any signs of being nervous, which hopefully combine to mean she’s responsive.
If she’s a successful racehorse then we know she’s quick.
’ I shrug. ‘I don’t know, Mateo. Serafina was hot-headed and independent and she’s now the best polo pony in the yard, so I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I’d have to see someone ride her, I guess. ’
‘Or you could ride her yourself.’ He looks pleased with my answer, gazing up at her happily.
I stare at him, mystified by everything. By my presence, by his presence, by this casual conversation… What is going on?
Glancing back at Hal, who must be getting bored and impatient by now, I find he’s sitting at the steering wheel beaming at me, not gesturing for me to hurry along, nor looking confused in the least by this stranger’s appearance.
‘Mateo, what’s happening?’ I ask, turning back to him. ‘Why are you here?’
‘I told you, I came to see this pony. Her name is Spud, by the way.’ He makes a face. ‘We may have to change that.’
Spud snorts indignantly.
‘No offence,’ he mutters to her.
‘Okay, if that’s why you’re here, why am I here?’ I say slowly, determined to get answers from him. ‘This doesn’t feel like coincidence.’
‘It’s not. I spoke to your mum and I asked her to get you here somehow so we could talk. I didn’t want to show up at your house unannounced and I thought you might be more willing to hear me out if you were in the company of horses.’
‘Wait, you spoke to my mum?’
‘Yes.’
‘So there’s no interview?’
‘There’s an interview,’ he says, wincing slightly, ‘but it’s with me.
I promised her I’d do a piece for her show about polo – we filmed that earlier today.
I think it went well. In exchange, she said she’d bring you here so we could talk.
I didn’t get away without a lecture. She’s scary, your mum.
I am pretty sure that if I don’t get this right, she might kill me. ’
‘Get what right?’
‘My apology to you,’ he answers, his forehead creasing. ‘I owe you one, Ash. In fact, I owe you more than that. I owe you… everything.’
He clears his throat, building the courage to say whatever’s coming next.
‘All my life, I’ve been convinced that only polo can make me happy,’ he begins, his voice wavering with nerves.
‘I thought that winning was all that mattered. But since you walked away from me in Spain, I’ve won matches and lost matches, and…
none of it seemed to matter anymore. During every match, I was looking for you in the pony lines, hoping you’d miraculously appear so that my heart might start up again.
’ He shakes his head. ‘I’ve been so stupid.
I thought that giving my all to you meant losing what I’ve worked so hard for – but all you did was make me stronger.
It’s like…’ He pauses, searching for the right way to put it.
‘Like, a long time ago, I decided I had to cage off my heart so I could keep my career in check, but by doing that, I dismissed the most important thing in life. The thing that gives everything meaning, makes it all worth it.’
He looks at me helplessly. Spud whinnies in encouragement.
‘My mother told me once about the importance of spirit in polo,’ he continues, his eyes misting over as he pats Spud’s neck, his voice softer, more thoughtful. ‘It’s not just about skill. It’s your heart that tips the game in your favour. “Your heart and your spirit. That is what it takes to win”.’
He takes a moment, smiling at the memory, before his eyes flash at me.
‘You give me spirit, Ash. You are my heart. Without you, I could win every tournament in the world and I’d be winning nothing at all.
Without you, it’s empty.’ He takes a step towards me, closing the gap between us.
‘If you let me, I will do whatever it takes to spend the rest of my life proving to you how much I love you, Ashley Slater.’ I inhale sharply and he smiles in relief and fear, like he’s been needing to say those words this entire time but he’s been scared to.
‘Because I do. I love you so much. I don’t care if I never win a polo match ever again, but tell me I might have hope to win you again. ’
He reaches up to brush my hair back from my face as I gaze up at him, speechless.
‘I should have run from that yacht the moment I knew you’d be upset.
I should have begged you to stay when you left the party in Soto.
I should have made you know how much you mean to me every day that we had together.
’ He frowns deeply as though pained, his throat bobbing.
‘I deserved to lose you. I was so frightened of how you made me feel, how you made me question everything. I felt so torn and confused. All these principles I had, the way I’d lived my entire life up until you.
The beliefs I’d rigorously stuck to in the hope of being someone worthwhile.
But now I know that it’s loving you that makes me worth something, Ash. ’
I blink back tears.
‘I’m so sorry that I didn’t see that before,’ he says softly, his eyes searching mine.
‘I’m sorry that I hurt you. If you let me, I promise to spend every day from now on doing everything I can to protect you from any hurt from anyone ever again.
More than anything, I want to be with you, Ash.
I’m here to ask you to please consider giving me another chance. ’
As he concludes, his chest is heaving with every breath, his eyes soft with hope and fear, his lips slightly parted.
He’s always so sure of himself, Mateo, but not in this moment.
No, right now, he’s uncertain and afraid, more vulnerable than I’ve ever seen him.
It’s a strange, daunting feeling handing your heart over to someone else. I would know.
I handed mine to him a while ago, even if he didn’t know it.
‘Ash,’ he says so quietly, it’s almost a whisper, ‘please say something.’
I’ve been so astounded by this sudden avalanche of information and emotion that I’ve been stood in total silence while I process it.
There’s a tingling sensation in my toes spreading up through my body, sending the butterflies in my stomach into a frenzy and causing my heart to thrum and my breath to come out all shaky.
Finally, I manage to think of something to say.
‘Is… is Spud part of the deal?’ I ask quietly.
Mateo blinks at me, thrown. ‘What?’
‘If I agree to give us another chance – do I get Spud thrown in as part of the offer?’
His eyes glistening, the corners of his lips twitch into a small, hopeful smile.
‘No,’ he says regretfully. ‘Spud will belong to Maycourt.’
‘So I don’t get a polo pony.’
‘Just a polo player.’
I sigh heavily. ‘I suppose that’s something. Worth considering, anyway.’
‘I’m pleased to hear it.’
I bite my lip. ‘Mateo, I’m not very good at this.’
‘Good at what?’
‘Talking about how I feel. In Paris, you said so many wonderful things. You put it so beautifully how you felt, what you wanted, why we should take that risk together. And now you’re here, striding across the field like a fucking… Jane Austen hero, saying things that make me—’
I pause, wishing my thoughts would slot into order. I give up, my eyes falling to the ground as I run a hand through my hair. He waits patiently while I collect myself.
‘In Paris, you took me on a boat on the Seine and you told me that when I was with you, you felt like you could breathe again. Later, you stood in the rain and you told me that you’d never felt this way about someone before.
I didn’t tell you how I felt. You opened up to me and didn’t get anything in return. ’
He quirks a brow. ‘That’s not entirely how I remember it. I remember getting plenty.’
‘I hope I at least showed you how I felt.’
‘Oh, yes.’
‘The truth is, it was easier for me to protect myself that way. I didn’t want to say anything out loud because once it’s out there, you can’t take it back. I guess I never had the guts to tell you how I felt. Until now. Mateo,’ I exhale shakily, ‘I love you, too.’
He breaks into a smile so big, it reaches his eyes.
I grin back at him, the two of us smiling dopily and silently at each other.
When I don’t say anything else, he hesitates, giving me a look.
‘Wait,’ he says, his eyes twinkling with amusement, ‘is that it?’
‘Is what it?’
‘That is all you wanted to say?’
‘That’s a big thing to say.’
‘Yes,’ he says, his shoulders shaking with laughter and relief, ‘and it is more than enough, more than I could hope for. But the way you set it up, I thought there was going to be a big speech about us and your feelings! I said quite a lot of things before I said, “I love you”.’
‘I told you, I’m not very good at this.’
Still chuckling, he cradles my face in his hands. ‘You are perfect at it. It was perfect.’
‘My point is, I think I loved you then. In Paris, I mean. Before Paris.’ I sigh, resting my cheek against his warm palm. ‘I couldn’t bear it.’
His eyes bore into mine. ‘It’s terrifying,’ he mutters.
‘More frightening than going up the Eiffel Tower.’
‘Let’s not get carried away, Ash. That was extremely terrifying.’ He shudders involuntarily at the memory.
‘Yes, but you did it.’
‘Mm. Because I wasn’t alone,’ he says, his thumb lightly brushing my cheekbone as though I’m the most precious thing in the world. ‘And neither are you.’
When he whispers he loves me again before he dips his head to kiss me, it’s lucky he drops his hands to hold my waist and pull me close because otherwise, I might float away with the joy that’s spreading through every inch of me like wildfire.
Somewhere behind me, I hear someone cheer and I realise it must be Hal in the car still.
A nudge at my side accompanied by an impatient snort tells me Spud continues her hunt for snacks.
But I don’t break away for either, looping my arms around Mateo’s neck and kissing him deeper, losing myself in this perfect, breathtaking moment that says everything either of us need to know.
For every moment from now, we’re in this together.