Possibility

Chapter Forty-Three

A week later, on the morning of the routine, routine, routine scan, Anika’s stomach is growling.

She wasn’t allowed to eat prior to the appointment, presumably so they can get a cereal-free view of her insides.

The sound of a medical cart rumbles closer and then the door to the small treatment room opens quickly.

There’s a big sticker on the box that the technician has brought in that looks like the symbol on a nuclear power plant in an old spy movie, indicating the radioactive content of the syringe it contains. Anika swallows.

‘Right, here we go, then …’ The chirpy Australian-accented technician quickly administers the liquid into Anika’s vein.

‘Grand,’ he says, pulling out the port and sticking a ball of cotton wool over the site on her arm.

‘OK, so you just chill here and then we’ll come get you in an hour or so for the scan.

Button right there if you need anything, and uh …

yeah.’ He peters out, with the informality of a man who’s completed the most challenging part of his routine.

Anika nods, watching him wheel the medical trolley out of the small room.

Nobody else knows what she’s up to today – she’s taken a half-day at work, she very much avoided mentioning it to her mum, and since she only gave vague, general responses when Cam, Shameeka or Tina asked about her blood tests results a while back, Anika hasn’t wanted to worry them.

There’s no point if it’s all routine, right?

Anika puts on her headphones, queues up a Joe Kay mix and lifts out a novel to occupy herself while she’s waiting for the injection to do its thing.

But her thoughts are pulled in a million directions, away from the book’s pages.

Shoving it back into her bag, she replaces it with the worn, familiar feel of the diary, opening it to look at the many lines of reassurances and precautions she’s written.

She reads over what she’s projected for the last few days, acknowledging the need to make full-on amends with her friends, Anika has made sure to write in all their interactions as going well.

It’s worked, for the most part. Anika thinks of the FaceTime she had with Tina a few days ago.

‘Well, as long as you’re good. It just didn’t seem like you, that’s all,’ Tina had said, phone propped up on her bathroom sink as she did her make-up.

Anika took advantage of walking up the stairs to her front door to move the camera away from her face, hiding her slightly irritated expression as she let herself into her flat.

‘I’m good, T. Honestly. Seeing Kwesi again was just a bit mad after all that time and then that stupid girl just got on my tits at the wrong moment.

I saw red. What can I say? Happens, right? ’

Tina glanced at her phone with a sceptically assessing look.

‘Look, I get it,’ she said, lining her lips with a maroon pencil and pausing in between strokes to speak.

‘It can be weird, having family that’s just out there.

’ She gestured into the air. ‘I mean, Warren apparently just got married again. Where was our invite?’ she added, kissing her teeth as she referenced her older half-brother.

‘Exactly,’ Anika replied, and as Tina began to fill in her lips with lipstick, she seized the opportunity to head off any more questions. ‘Listen, I didn’t cause a problem with your bosses or anything, did I?’

‘No, babe, are you joking? We’ve seen way worse.’ Finished with her make-up, Tina raised the phone up higher to inspect herself in the screen, heading out of the bathroom.

‘Well, I really am sorry.’

‘All good.’ Tina paused. ‘By the way, GDPR or whatever, but I have Kwesi’s number from the band booking if you want to, like, get in touch … ?’

Anika began to shake her head, but then realised that it could be the diary at work – an in-road to making things right with her brother.

‘Er, yeah … maybe that could be an idea.’

‘I’ll send it to you in a bit. I’ve got to head. But listen, if you’re good, I’m good, OK, Neeks?’

Anika nodded, blowing a kiss towards her camera. ‘I am.’

Now, as Anika waits for the scan she wonders if this might be as good a time as any to reach out to Kwesi. Along with the steers for today, she’s written:

At this point, my bridge-building is rivalling Tower, London, Waterloo – all those bad boys stretching over the Thames. Every chance I get to make sure things are all smooth with my people, I’m doing it with gusto …

The protection of the statement means she feels a bit less uneasy about swiping her screen until she finds the number Tina has sent her.

Then Anika hesitates. Would a call be the better choice?

No. A message is a good way to lead up to speaking – maybe face to face – to apologise to her brother.

She begins typing, but deletes several false starts before going with:

Hi, Kwesi. It’s Anika. I’m so, so sorry about what happened. Was your friend OK? Things have been a bit tough lately, but I shouldn’t have lashed out like that. I hope you can accept my apology. It was great to see you, and your music is unbelievable, by the way. Maybe we can talk sometime?

But then sending all of that feels like admitting to more than she intends to, and so Anika deletes the stuff about things being tough.

As she hits send, she feels a jolt of nerves in her stomach – the kind she hasn’t felt since she started making changes for herself.

She swallows some water from a nearby plastic cup, already picturing the food she’s going to treat herself to when she can finally eat.

The thought reminds her that she needs to go back to the chef to confirm the menu for her celebratory dinner.

It’s hard to believe that it’s tomorrow.

The time from idea to execution has impressed even Anika herself.

She took advantage of a fortuitous cancellation in Stacey Bankole-Smith’s schedule, which is more proof that all she needs to do is write in the diary more intentionally and precisely.

Anika is grateful that everyone, including her mum, Philip, and Wendy, are able to make the date.

Cam is back tonight and Anika is aching to see him.

Maybe he’ll have something to tell me now he’s had a chance to miss me, too …

When she told Shameeka about her plans for the dinner, her friend sounded surprised but was generally supportive.

They skirted the discussion of what happened at the bar, even though Tina would have reported it to their friend.

Something still felt strained between them.

Is this what maturing means for a friendship?

That if you change, you risk drifting apart?

Anika’s phone buzzes in her hand, making her jump, and then her heart races even faster when she sees that it’s a reply from Kwesi. She blinks hard, opening it quickly.

I don’t know if that’s a great idea right now.

At least it’s not a complete slam of the door. It’ll have to do for now.

A while later, the door to the treatment room opens and Anika looks up sharply as the Australian tech re-enters.

‘OK, Ms Lapo. Time’s up. Let’s get you scanned and make sure there’s none of those nasty abnormal cells still floating about in there, eh?’

Anika freezes as she begins to stand from the recliner chair. ‘What do you mean?’

The technician turns back to her after scanning his clipboard. ‘Oh, I’m sorry. I just … Obviously we’re usually checking for cancers with this scan so I just—’

‘Wh-what?’ Anika says, her hand trembling as she reaches for her bag. ‘I’m fine.’ She’s jolted by the force of her voice, and the tech holds up a hand in an apologetic half-shrug.

‘I’m sure you are,’ he says gently, holding the door to wait for her exit from the room, from the word cancer that still echoes around it. She thinks of that day when her dad took her to buy music, Nelson avoiding the word as he told her he was ill.

Has she been doing the same?

Later that evening, Anika clicks her pen over the page for the all-important entry for tomorrow.

Cam landed from Germany earlier in the afternoon and, after a quick freshen-up at home, he insisted on coming straight round to hers, so as he wraps up a phone call in the kitchen she takes the opportunity to finish while he’s out of view.

Friday 7th September

Got home from work in plenty of time to get ready for the big dinner, putting together the perfect ’fit, then Cam came and picked me up, looking delicious himself as usual. Things are on a great level for us now. It’s only a matter of time before he confirms exactly how he’s feeling.

The cabs arrived as arranged to collect us all, everyone coordinated as planned and we arrived bang on time at Stacey’s place.

The dinner was OH MY GOSH. Impeccable. I’ve never had food so delicious, and to be honest it was just amazing that the whole shebang was at the behest of lil’ ol’ me.

Everyone got on, chat flowed freely and it was so good to have everyone there.

Basically the night did everything I wanted it to do in terms of being cathartic and ending things on the me I’ve been. This was a launching pad into the Me I Wanna Be! (OK, Oprah!)

Anika finishes up and shuts the diary, tucking it into the sofa cushions just as she hears Cam walking back down the hallway.

‘’Sante? Bruv, bruv, I agree. Seriously, it was their fuck-up. They’ll sort it. All right, cool. I’ll talk to you tomorrow,’ Cam is saying, smiling at Anika as he sits back down on the sofa next to her. He hangs up the call, and gives her a peck on the cheek. ‘Sorry, gorgeous.’

‘Everything good?’

‘Yeah, yeah, just some minor nonsense with the distributors.’ He leans forward to take a sip of the tea that’s been getting cold on the coffee table, then looks back at Anika over his shoulder, a smile still curling his lips. ‘Hmm. Ms Lapo,’ he says, like it’s a complete statement.

‘Me?’ She smiles back.

‘You.’

But her smile begins to falter as she glances at the pinprick in the crook of her arm where the port had been earlier today. Maybe one day ahead at a time isn’t enough any more …

Cam puts his drink down again and picks up the remote – but he doesn’t press play on the paused image of Regina King from their favourite show, The Leftovers.

Instead, he turns to look at Anika. Her heart kicks up a notch, wondering if he’s finally going to address the L-word.

‘You OK?’ he asks. ‘You’ve been looking a bit … ’

Anika interrupts with a light-hearted scoff, but there’s anger nestled behind it. ‘Really know how to compliment a girl, eh?’

Cam laughs and shakes his head, looking at Anika with a disarming stare and reaching to brush her braids back over her shoulder.

‘You’ve never been less than utterly beautiful.

’ He holds her gaze for a moment. ‘I just meant you look a bit tired. New job and all. Makes me think, it’s really not that long ago you were in hospital and I just wanted to make sure that—’

‘I’m fine,’ Anika says quickly, moving away from his touch a bit.

Cam is quiet for another beat, then leans back against the sofa beside her.

‘OK,’ he says gently. He hits the play button on the remote, but after a moment he pauses the show again.

Anika looks at him. He seems to be contemplating something and rubs his eyebrow, beginning to speak without looking at her.

‘Look, I know that …’ She shuffles awkwardly in her seat.

Cam starts again. ‘Remember that night?’ He looks at her now, eyes connecting with hers in a way that sends a dart of emotion through her.

‘The night we first properly talked, and then the park … ?’

‘Of course I do,’ she says quietly. She’s jolted into the recollection of him pushing her away that night, too. ‘I remember you told me to leave.’ Anika looks down at her hands.

Cam stares at the frozen screen. ‘That’s the thing, though.

I didn’t want you to go. I wanted to protect you.

And I was scared and … It was the first night I got it.

Life. How amazing things can run right alongside the darkest shit.

How you have to be able to stomach both, or you’ll be …

’ He motions one horizontal palm through the air. ‘Flattened by it.’

‘Yeah …’ Anika says, even though she’s unsure of why he’s saying this.

‘I dunno, man. I’ve been thinking about …

’ He emits a small sigh. ‘Love. And loss.’ Anika alerts at the tacit acknowledgement of the word.

‘I think about the look in Zay’s eyes – the day when she went.

’ His voice trembles, but he turns back to Anika.

‘Sometimes you have that same look in your eye, you know.’

‘Cam …’

‘She liked dancing up to the edge of darkness, that much I know. And after she died, I did, too. Rubbing up against … against death? It changes you. I can’t un-feel that feeling of being blindsided by it.

Sometimes I worry about what that might mean for you.

For me and you.’ He blows out a long stream of air. ‘I don’t know if I’m making any sense?’

Anika is quiet for a moment, then nods. ‘Yes,’ she whispers, and reaches for his hand. ‘But I’m not going anywhere, Cam. I promise you.’ Is this why he can’t bring himself to say he loves me? She can’t bear to ask him.

Cam pulls her knuckles up to his lips and kisses them, then puts an arm around her, un-pausing the TV show again.

Anika feels her own words bubbling up inside her, ones that frighten her with their ferocity.

Suddenly, the need to assure herself that she will be OK – that they will be – is overwhelming.

The worry and doubt she saw etched on Cam’s face is making her feel an uncertainty about her own future that she’s never felt before.

Please say it. Say you love me and everything will be OK.

But the plea stays stuck in her throat.