Chapter 19
Ophelia by The Lumineers assaulted my ears when I walked up to the barely cracked green doors on the big red barn the next morning.
Auggie was blasting his stereo, much unlike the day before, when David Bowie had been playing softly.
At first, I thought opening the door and presenting myself, with all of my guilt laid bare, would kill me.
I mean, I knew I had hurt the guy’s feelings, and I should apologize, but I didn’t know if I could deal with the embarrassment that comes with admitting that you messed up so magnificently.
Of course, it also crossed my mind that Auggie might scream at me and tell me to leave.
Or worse, he’d act cold and distant, his voice hollow and his face blank like it had been the day before.
Honestly, I didn’t know what had been going through my mind when I had given the flower to him outside of Blooms. It was a pretty flower and Auggie had been nice to me.
He called me his friend. He’d taken me to church—even though I hadn’t really enjoyed the experience.
At least not while it was happening. Truth be told, after church, I realized that I had a lot to think about—philosophize over like I was Grandy sitting on cinderblocks.
But getting to that point had been a bit traumatic, to say the least. However, Auggie was the reason that I realized there was so much about life, people, and, I guess, myself, that I’d never thought about before.
When I saw the daisy, and its shimmering iridescence in the sunlight, it made me think of him. So, I thought he should have it.
Was that it?
Or was I so overwhelmed at having a friend—finally—that I had to show him my appreciation for being my friend?
Not that I’d never had, like, a friend, I guess.
I’d met other kids while on the road with Mom.
But they were friends for a few days while we were in the same town.
Sometimes I’d find another kid to hang out with for longer if we hung around a place long enough, but it never lasted.
And I always had to make the first move towards friendship.
Though I’d had to introduce myself to Auggie first, he had jumped into the idea of hanging out with me with both feet, not once questioning anything.
Auggie was cool.
But when the other boys saw me giving him a flower…
A boy who wore clam diggers and skirts and pearl jewelry…
I just needed Auggie to understand what had happened.
It had nothing to do with him because he was freaking cool.
I still wanted to be his friend and everything.
The last thing I wanted was for him to stop trying to hang out with me because he thought I was upset with him or something.
Because I wasn’t. We were still good in my mind.
So, I took a deep breath as Ophelia blared on Auggie’s stereo, and I pushed the green barn door open, hoping that Auggie wasn’t too busy with his art to talk to me.
With the door swung wide and the sunlight pouring into the barn, I easily found Auggie in the usually gloomy room.
As soon as the sunlight cast a streak across his face, he turned to see who had entered the barn, a smile on his face.
When his eyes landed on me, it disappeared.
That was kind of a punch to the gut.
“Hey,” I said.
I didn’t step into the barn. I didn’t know if my presence was allowed.
“Hey,” he said back in that hollow voice I had feared.
He gave me a sharp nod and his expression went blank.
I screwed up so bad. I thought to myself.
“Um,” I kicked at the ground, “can I come in, or…?”
Auggie stared at me for a moment before speaking.
“S’free country.”
That wasn’t exactly the invitation I had been hoping for, but it was better than nothing, so I stepped inside, leaving the door open behind me.
Even though I didn’t want to see Auggie’s blank face, I still wanted to be able to see him while I apologized.
So I could judge his reaction. Closing the door would have hindered that, even with the skylight.
“Uh,” I said, “yesterday, with the flower—”
“I get it.”
“Yeah.” I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. “I mean, no. I wanted to say that I’m sorry. It probably seemed like—”
“I get it,” Auggie said again, his tone firm.
“Look,” I rolled my head back to look up at the ceiling, “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, Auggie. It’s just that—”
“I. Get. It.”
Auggie’s sharp tone made me look back over at him. It finally dawned on me that he was wearing dingy old sweatpants, old sneakers, and a band t-shirt. No skirt, clam diggers, or necklaces present. That made something in my chest ache.
He didn’t look like himself.
“Whatcha, uh, doin’?” I asked.
I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“My art,” he answered.
“Do you need help?” I asked, my toe kicking at the ground again. “We could hang out, or—”
“I don’t need help.”
“Auggie. Man, I—”
“What do you want, Jordan?” He crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m kind of busy with things, so…”
His voice trailed off and he shrugged, his whole body asking a question. All I could do for several moments was stare. I’d never had to navigate this kind of thing before. I’d never had to be a real friend.
“I was embarrassed,” I said.
When all else fails, tell the truth. Even if it’s embarrassing.
Auggie just stood there.
“Giving a flower to a guy,” I shrugged, “even a plastic one, is kind of…I didn’t want to be made fun of. That’s all.”
“Those guys wouldn’t have cared,” Auggie said.
“I didn’t know that.”
“Did you think about giving them the benefit of the doubt?”
“No.”
“I need to do my art.” He waved me off.
“Please let me help,” I took a few steps further into the barn. “I’m really sorry, Auggie. I really am your friend—and I’d take it back if I could.”
“The flower?” He snorted and turned towards the table to shut off the music. “You wouldn’t have to. I threw it back in the basket.”
I was grateful for him turning off the music because carrying on a conversation over blaring music was beginning to give me a headache. My chest felt other things about the discarded flower.
“No,” I said, then adjusted my volume to the now silent room, “No. I’d take back being a jerk. I’d take back hurting your feelings.”
“Fine.”
“Fine, what?” I asked. “Are you going to forgive me?”
“You hurt my feelings, Jordan.”
He slumped against the table, bracing himself with his forearms.
“It was kind of a shitty thing to do, you know?” he added.
“I know.”
“Friends don’t do shitty things to each other.”
“I should have known that, too,” I said.
Auggie stayed there, leaning against the table, his eyes not meeting mine, so I moved further into the barn, stepping over some of the ductwork. I didn’t get too close because I thought that might make him scream at me. Until he had forgiven me, I wanted to give him his space.
“Where are your,” I tried to think of the right words, “usual clothes?”
“This is how I wanted to dress today.”
“It doesn’t really suit you.”
“How would you know what suits me?”
I ignored the jab.
“You’re a cheerful guy.” I shrugged. “Those aren’t very cheerful clothes. I like it when you’re cheerful.”
The corner of his mouth turned up, though he tried to hide it from me. Auggie turned his head to the side, looking away from me, so I was left to look at the back of his head. It kind of bothered me that I couldn’t see the white diamond on his forehead and in his hair.
“What’s the, uh, white thing?” I decided to ask. “On your forehead and in your hair?”
Auggie didn’t look back over at me. Hopefully, he was still trying to hide a smile from me.
“It’s kind of cool,” I said. “Like a superhero mark or something.”
“Oh, come on,” He was suddenly looking at me, grinning ear to ear. “You’re just trying to get on my good side to make up for being a jerk.”
“Nah, man.” I laughed. “It’s kind of cool. I mean, I’ve never seen someone with that before, but, it’s cool.”
Auggie pushed off from the table and crossed his arms over his chest again, but the smile didn’t leave his face.
“It’s poliosis,” he said. “A few things can cause it, but I have an inherited defect in melanisation.”
My eyes grew wide and I ran a hand over my head as I made a “whoosh” sound.
Auggie laughed.
“Melanin? The stuff that determines the shade of skin and hair? I have a genetic defect where the melanin there is kind of…I guess, absent? It’s not contagious. It doesn’t hurt or anything. It’s just—”
I waited.
“—weird.” He laughed.
I smiled at him.
“I’ve had it forever,” he said with a shrug. “As long as I can remember. I used to be embarrassed by it. I’m not embarrassed by much anymore.”
His words were like knives, though I knew he didn’t mean to be spiteful.
“I’ll try really hard to learn that skill,” I said.
Auggie nodded at me and his hands slipped down to his sides, no longer aggressively protecting himself from me.
“Okay,” he said.
“Can I help you with your art, then?” I asked.
Auggie sighed. “I really do like working alone. I’m not still upset or anything. It’s just…it’s kind of a personal thing for me, you know? It’s meditative and gives me time to just be with myself and my thoughts. It’s not that I don’t want you to help, but—”
“No.” I stopped him. “I get it. I really do. I think. No hurt feelings. But can we maybe hang out later? Or tomorrow?”
Auggie was smiling again. “I’d like that. Later would be cool. After lunch?”
Then I was smiling as widely as him. “Hells yeah.”
“Cool,” he said. “I’ll text you?”
“Yeah, man.” I nodded as I started to turn towards the door. “I’ll be waiting. Or just come by, okay?”
“Sure.”
“Maybe we can even find something—some project—that can be our thing, ya’ know?” I suggested too eagerly as I made my way to the door, but I tried not to be embarrassed by my obvious excitement. “You know. If you want.”
“Hey.” Auggie’s voice stopped me when I reached the door, so I turned to look at him.
“Yeah?”
“I can teach you American Sign Language,” he said.
I grinned. “That’d be perfect.”
He nodded towards the door. “Then get. I’ll see you in a few hours.”
“Deal.”
“Leave the door open, huh?” he asked. “I kind of want to see the sun.”
That made me happy, but I didn’t respond. I left the door open when I made my way out. And I walked back to Jack’s with a smile on my face.