Chapter 10 #2
And Mitchell? His plans were to sit on his arse all day and drink beer while minding the baby as I tried to put a business together? Not my idea of a dream life. Which was why I, the bullied underdog, left the cutest bloke ever to grace the hallowed halls of the school.
‘I can’t keep going on like this, Mitchell,’ I’d whispered after a couple of weeks of debating how to tell him.
‘What’s that, hon?’ he said distractedly, one hand on my hip as he turned the page in his Classic Bike Guide magazine. We were in his bedroom, lying around like dead dogs on a hot afternoon. But my mind was running a hundred miles an hour, and in a completely opposite direction to his.
I sat up. ‘It’s been great, Mitchell, acting out, being free to do whatever I wanted. But I got it out of my system and it’s not who I want to be anymore. I owe it to myself to do more in my life.’
Mitchell put his magazine down. ‘What are you saying?’
‘I’m saying that I am not keeping it. And I think it’s time we said goodbye, once and for all.’
He stared at me, his eyes wide. ‘But… but… if you’re pregnant, you’ll need me to come with you and…’
There it was again. You’ll need me. What he didn’t understand was that I didn’t need him, especially if he was going to continue to be happy dragging me down like this.
I hardly recognised myself. I was supposed to go to music college, perhaps become a songwriter.
But where was I going like this, a school dropout on a fast track to absolute nothingness?
Enough. Enough of the laziness, enough of this self-doubt.
Mitchell had seen me when no one else had, but it was fair to say that he hadn’t had a healthy effect on me.
On one hand he had given me what I’d needed at the time: he’d made me feel carefree for a while, and he’d made me feel beautiful and special.
No one had made me feel like that. But I needed more. I wasn’t the me I wanted to be.
‘I’ll be fine, Mitchell. Honestly. I’ll just go and see a doctor and sort it out. I hope you understand, but I’m too young.’
‘Olivia, come on! I thought we really worked together! You’re really, really sure you wanna do this?’
I nodded, resolute ‘Yes. I’m sure.’
‘Damn. I really like you. I like you better than anyone I’ve ever liked. In fact, I think I might even love you, Liv.’
It was all I could do not to cry. But I was determined this time. ‘I’m sorry…’
He dragged out a long, pained sigh. ‘Well, if you ever change your mind…’
I threw myself into his arms in a grateful hug.
The last thing I wanted was to hurt him when he’d been there for me as best he could, but it simply wasn’t what I needed anymore.
So I got to my feet and straightened myself up.
The shorts I was wearing were wrinkly and somewhat over-used.
Time to go home, have a shower and do some laundry. Time to do a lot of things.
‘Thanks, Mitchell, for understanding. You’re the best first boyfriend a girl could ever want.’
He rubbed his face and ran a hand through his spiky hair and smiled a sad smile. ‘I guess I just gotta let you go, then. Bummer. Big bummer, but hey, easy come, easy go…’
I took his stubbly face in my hand and kissed him one last time. ‘I will never, ever forget you, Mitchell. Thank you. See you around?’
He snorted. ‘Yeah. Maybe if you go back to school, I might be persuaded. I’ll miss you, Liv.’
‘No, you won’t,’ I said with a grin but inside I was crying.
I truly loved Mitchell, even with all his weaknesses and shortcomings.
But even at my age I knew he was not for me and that he would only tether me down to a non-life.
A mere existence, and I wanted more. ‘Take care of yourself, Mitchell. I will always love you…’
Oh, sweet, sweet Mitchell! I hadn’t dredged up the memory of him for quite a while and now that I have, the pain of it all comes crashing back. My first boy-induced heartbreak.
*
I pause at the suite I’m sharing with my mother and wipe my eyes. I can’t let anyone see, let anyone know that I’m still hurting over what happened after that. No one knows. Not my father, not Simon, not even Markus.
I open the door, relieved to see that I am alone, and that I can actually lie in my bed and cry for a bit, thinking about what happened after I left Mitchell.
The ‘procedure’ had been quick. I went on my own. No witnesses to the saddest moment of my life yet. But the doctor was very kind and considerate, explaining to me what I needed to do afterwards.
I went home on my own and lay in bed all weekend, absolutely gutted and empty. But I did my best not to mope around listlessly. And on Sunday evening, I was caught by a cleaning/cleansing/rebooting raptus. I can still remember it clearly.
The first thing I did was throw the dirty laundry into the machine, then I wiped down all the countertops in the kitchen, putting odds and ends away and binning the useless stuff that had been lying around despite Dad’s best efforts to keep the place clean.
Then I vacuumed the entire house, from top to bottom and proceeded to do all the dusting, and not just feather-dusting around objects but actually doing it properly. From now on I was only going to do things this way. No more half-arsed jobs.
Next I moved into the sitting room and threw open the windows, which I washed, deciding to do all the others while I was at it.
By the time I’d finished changing the sheets on both beds and tidied some more, the house hardly looked like ours anymore.
It was unbelievable what a bit of TLC could do to a home.
Because this was still my home. Dad was still my dad and I would do my best to make this entire shitty year up to him.
By the time he got home, he didn’t know what had hit him. I met him at the door with a kiss, wearing a clean, proper dress and my hair in a neat ponytail.
‘Hullo…?’ he said, looking around him and breathing deeply while still hanging onto his toolbox. ‘What’s all this? I smell furniture polish, disinfectant, you’ve tidied up and… look at you, Livvie, you look amazing! What’s happened?’
‘I’ve left Mitchell, Dad. I’m going back to school to get my GCSEs. From now on I’m going to be the daughter that you’ve always wanted.’
At that, he dropped his toolbox at his feet. ‘Oh, Livvie…! You are the only daughter I’ve ever wanted. You are my little baby girl, no matter what! I’m always proud of you!’
‘Thank you, Dad. But I’m serious. I want to study design, continue with my sewing and study business to start my own company,’ I blurted out before I could think.
‘Oh, sweetheart, that’s fantastic!’ And then he started to cry.
‘Dad…?’
‘Tell you what, love – I’m going to clean out the oast house at the bottom of the garden and make a little workshop for you, how’s that?’
I gasped, my hands over my mouth. ‘We can do that?’
‘Of course! I’ll help you in any way I can!’
‘Will you promise me something, then, Dad? If it goes well and I manage to bring some money in, will you retire from your job?’
‘Oh, sweetheart…’
‘I don’t want to see you killing yourself on construction sites anymore, Dad. You’re as thin as a rake. But I’m going to take care of you, now, just like you’ve taken care of me!’
He laughed and played with my ponytail. ‘Let’s see how things go, first, yes? It’s a bit too soon for me to retire. But when I do, I’ll be able to help you even more in your business, okay?’
‘Deal!’ I agreed, and we shook hands like real business partners. I knew I could always count on my dad to be there for me.
I even patched things up with Hannah and Emily whom I’d abandoned during my Mitchell phase. But, being the good friends that they were, they were happy to have me back.
I’d vowed that from that day my life was going to change for the better, with no bad men, no need for shrinks, and that my mother would be a distant memory. So much for all that.