Chapter 12 April 26th #3
At that, she sighs softly. ‘Aldo was very ill. He needed a kidney and I was the only one who could give it to him. He had siblings, but they were not interested in donating, so as soon as I found out, I got tested. We were a perfect match. I knew that my life would be over if I lost him…’
I did not know about the kidney. She’d actually saved his life, then?
‘And the only reason I’m asking is because I hear you talking to Joe and your business partner and your father, but hardly ever to Simon and even less to Cassie. So what’s going on?’
‘Oh, nothing out of the ordinary. She’s not my biggest fan at the moment.’
‘Daughters never are. Until they are.’
Now how would she know?
‘They go through years of resenting you, feeling misunderstood and unappreciated.’
‘That sounds about right,’ I comment. ‘I guess I deserve it, after all those years of ignoring you. What comes around goes around.’
‘Oh, no, sweetheart! Parenting is not a punishment. It’s a privilege, and I…
made a dog’s dinner of it. If you want to be closer to Cassie, your parenting has to change from teaching to influencing.
That’s the way you create a connection. The moment you try to tell her something, position yourself as an authority, you lose her.
And teaching by influencing is the biggest privilege you’ll ever have.
God only knows I let that pass me by, but I don’t want you to suffer the same. ’
She rolls her eyes at herself. ‘I’m not trying to contradict myself by teaching you something, Olivia.
I suppose I’m simply trying to apolo— No, not just that, I’m trying to tell you how truly sorry I am for leaving you when I did.
It seemed like the right thing at the time.
I underestimated you. I thought you wouldn’t care enough to suffer so much.
You always were Daddy’s girl. But I realise now that I was just making excuses for myself. ’
She takes my hand and it’s all I can do not to flinch.
I don’t want her to know just how much she broke me by leaving.
I’ve locked it away deep inside my heart and I cannot cope with it at the moment.
Not when everything else is absolute shite.
I have to have at least one good thing going in my life for me to hang onto as a safe place from which I can deal with my two major problems right now, i.e.
, Cassie and Simon. I really don’t have the strength to take on any other issues right now, not in this moment in time.
‘It’s okay, Mother.’ I brush the issue away as kindly as I can.
‘No, it’s not, Livvie. I know the damage I’ve done to you.
I’ve followed your life thanks to your father.
Good old George never knew how to keep a grudge.
Life has been too good to me, Olivia. And it’s time I start passing it on.
So let me help you. Not only to make amends, but to be of some use to you now with Cassie, if you’ll accept it. ’
‘It’s not that I don’t accept it, Mother,’ I try to explain. ‘I’m not all that good at… talking about… feelings.’
‘I know, love. And it’s my fault.’
‘Is it? I don’t know, Mother. Cassie is her own person and I just don’t know how to deal with her anymore,’ I confess despite myself. ‘I’m only trying to help her but everything I say is stupid or crass or too forward or—’ I bite my lip. It’s as if I’m describing my own mother now.
She smiles and nods. ‘It’s not only you, Livvie.
You both need to find the right groove. You need to be empathetic and let her grow up on her own if that’s what she wants.
Don’t give her any advice. Let her make her own mistakes.
Just wait in the background until she realises that she still needs you’
‘How do you know all this?’ It’s not as if she’s had a lot of experience.
She smiles at me wistfully. ‘Years and years of therapy.’
‘Therapy? What for?’
‘Oh, just my sense of guilt for leaving you…’
I can’t believe it. ‘But you never looked back. I never thought you felt guilty?’
‘Ah, my pet, if you only knew. A mother’s love doesn’t disappear because she’s far away.’
‘So, wait, just to be clear,’ I say. ‘You were unhappy because you did what was supposed to make you happy? And for this you went to therapy?’
‘I am still going,’ she says with that smile.
‘Wow. So after you left England, you and Aldo didn’t just ride off into the Sicilian sunset?’
She laughs, a throaty, genuine sound. ‘If you only knew. We, too, have had difficult times. Love itself, despite what many poets and musicians say, is not enough. And what I mean by that is that even if you and Cassie love each other deeply—’ She coughs.
‘Sorry. What I meant to say was—’ And again she coughs for a spell. ‘Oh, dearie me, sorry about that.’
‘Are you okay?’ I can’t help but ask at her reddened face.
She waves me away. ‘Yes, yes, I’m fine! What I meant to say was that with Cassie, you just have to try these little tricks.
Try to reduce the drama in her tantrums – not the importance of her pain, just the level of how she manifests her distress – and she’ll respect you all the more for it, you know. ’
‘I don’t know about that, Mother. Cassie is particularly resistant to opening up to my love,’ I say, feeling my own cheeks reddening.
‘Give it time. You’ll see.’