Chapter 19 #2
‘Any boys… on the horizon?’ I ask and curse myself. Have I blown Markus’s and Mum’s covers?
‘Actually…’ she says, hesitating.
‘Yes?’ I say, holding my breath. This is where she tells me that she’s engaged to be married or something. Calm down, you idiot. Cassie’s not engaged. She’s a teenager, for Christ’s sake.
‘There is one guy. His name’s Liam.’
‘That’s a nice name.’ God, could I sound any more lame? ‘Is he nice?’
‘Yes, he is. I like him, Mum.’
‘Good, good. And does he like you?’
‘I’m not sure. Sometimes it seems like he does. Other times, he seems… distant.’ I don’t respond, not wanting to push her, so she continues. ‘He’s coming over to study for our French test next week.’
‘Did you ask him or did he ask you?’ Important to understand the dynamics, right?
‘He asked me. But I’m not so sure if he wants to study with me because he thinks I’m smart, or because he likes me as a girl.’
Ah. ‘Well, Cassie, you have the brains and the looks. There’s nothing wrong if he likes you for both of these qualities.’
‘Yes, but… what if I help him with his schoolwork and then he doesn’t ask me out?’
‘Then you will be friends.’
‘But I want to be more than friends…’
Oh, my goodness, my little girl has grown so fast! When did this happen? I clear my throat.
‘Well, honey, your nana says that good things are really worth waiting for, you know? And she’s right.’
‘So you don’t think I should give him a little push?’
‘Oh, absolutely not. Boys don’t like being pushed. They get frightened if someone tells them what they want. Just be friendly as usual and if he really, really likes you, he’ll make the first move.’
‘But what if he’s too shy?’ she insists.
I don’t even need to think about it. Simon was shy and look what I ended up with, someone without an ounce of initiative. ‘If he’s too shy he’ll never get what he wants. Remember when you wanted to join dance classes but you thought you weren’t good enough, but in the end you asked anyway?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Well, they wanted you to join too but they weren’t sure you were interested. Remember that?’
‘Yes.’
‘So, then. If Liam really likes you enough to be a very good boyfriend, then he’ll find a way to tell you. If he doesn’t make the effort to overcome his shyness then it will always be you making all the effort.’
‘Oh. Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’ll just have to wait and see, then.’
‘Yes, but not for ever. Someone else might come along. Someone who is really crazy about you and who goes out of their way to tell you.’
‘That would be nice.’
Yes, it would, indeed.
‘Mum?’
‘Yes, darling?’
‘I miss you…’
It’s all I can do to stop from bawling. ‘I miss you too, sweetheart.’ Shall I jump on the next plane? Ask me and I’m there, sweetheart… ‘But we’ll see each other soon. Nana would like us all to go to Sicily for the summer. Would you like that?’
‘You mean… you’d come too? To Sicily? To stay in Nana’s house?’
Hot tears form behind my eyes while my throat swells with unexpressed emotions.
I should have done this years ago, but instead I let life pass me by, when I could have forgiven.
I would have so many memories now, with my mother and father together and the kids.
But I was stuck in my ways and there is nothing I can do to get any of that time back. All I can do is move forward.
‘Yes, Cassie. I’m coming, too.’
‘Mum, are you okay? Your voice is weird.’
‘Uh, yes. I think I’m just having allergies.’
Silence. She is sounding me out, the clever girl.
‘So you and Nana are really getting along, then?’
‘Oh, absolutely, darling.’
‘I’m so happy, Mum! This summer we can all swim in the sea together!
They have a gorgeous mansion above the beach and there are these tiny stone steps carved into the cliff and you go down, down, down and the sunsets are amazing and so is the ice cream and—’ She stops, and the silence is filled with something unspoken.
‘What is it, sweetheart?’
‘What made you change your mind about Nana?’ she wants to know. Nothing gets past this one.
I take a deep breath. ‘If you love someone, deep down in your heart, you have to forgive them. Family and friends and love are what life is all about. Not just school or work or success.’
‘I know,’ she whispers. ‘Will Dad be coming too?’
‘Uhm… I don’t think so, honey. Your father is very busy and summer is a very busy time for him.’ Busy. He’s always busy. That’s his middle name, Busy.
‘Right,’ she says. She doesn’t sound too distraught. ‘Can we bring Markus? He’s never been to Sicily before.’
‘Of course. Nana won’t mind.’
‘This is so cool, I can’t wait!’
‘Neither can I! Give your brother and Grandad a hug for me, will you?’
‘I will,’ she promises.
‘And call me whenever you need, even if you think it’s not important. I’m here for you always, Cassie.’
‘Thanks, Mum. I love you.’
I almost stroke out on her last sentence.
It’s a good thing she can’t see my face because I’m sure it’s purple.
I’m about to be overwhelmed. ‘I love you too, darling,’ I say and hang up as a sob escapes me.
My little girl! She’s back! I haven’t been this happy since Joe was born.
Now all I have to do is solidify our relationship.
And the one with my mother. Family above all else.
*
The next day I expect Mum to want to stay at the villa to relax, but she is determined we go out shopping.
The first place we end up is a music stand by the lake that sells instruments and old vinyl records.
There is just about everything there, from Italian folk music to her favourite albums by Mina.
She picks them up, one by one, placing them in chronological order and singing me bits of each.
‘We’ll take them all,’ she tells the stall owner, who wraps them up and puts them in a paper bag.
‘Is that every single one of Mina’s albums, then?’ I ask.
‘Yes. For you.’
‘For… me?’
‘Yes. I already own her collection. But I noticed you were enthralled the first time you heard her songs, so…’
‘Mum… thank you so much. I’ll learn every single one,’ I promise. I already know more than a handful thanks to Spotify, anyway.
She winks at me. ‘And now, my dear, lunch is on me. I wonder if we can find somewhere that makes fried polenta? I’m starving!’
And she links her arm through mine as we wind our way through the little osterie on offer.
*
That night we are both tired, so opt to have dinner in my room while lounging in our pyjamas and sifting through some photo albums she’s brought along from Sicily.
I prepare myself for another jump into her unknown past, but the photos are all of Joe and Cassie holidaying in Sicily through the years.
I shouldn’t be surprised to see all those pictures, but seeing entire photo albums full of moments of my children’s lives – moments I wasn’t around for, where they look so happy and carefree to boot – certainly does have an effect on me.
And to think that they have all these memories with my mother and Aldo, an entire life I don’t know about, makes me question my past choices.
I could have found a way to forgive her sooner, to enjoy these precious moments with my children.
But no. I had to play the hurt diva and divide my family in two, even spending two entire weeks of the summer away from my children because I refused to give my mother any sort of satisfaction.
I could have travelled with them, seen their faces light up as they saw the island for the very first time, or heard their squeals of delight as they splashed into the sea for their first swim of the season every year. But no. I had to be me. Well, I’ve certainly learnt my lesson now.
*
The next morning I wake up late. If I don’t hurry I’ll miss breakfast. So I have the quickest of showers and rush down the stairs to the east terrace where we usually eat.
‘Olivia!’ someone calls from behind me. I turn to see Elsa, followed by the rest of the Respiri Ladies tripping over themselves.
‘Susan’s had a fall!’
And then I see a small crowd of people surrounding my mother.
‘Mum! Mum!’ I call, rushing to her side.
She has already been hauled onto a gurney and into an ambulance.
She looks awful, like all the blood has been drained from her face.
Lying there, she looks half her size, and so defenceless!
A wave of gut-wrenching pity and fear washes through me.
I was angry at her for half my life, but I never wanted anything to happen to her.
I have never, ever, not even in my darkest, angriest moments, wished her any harm.
‘Come,’ Carla says. ‘My car is out front, we’ll follow the ambulance…’