Chapter 22
Over the weeks, Cassie starts spending less time with Joe and the men outdoors and more with Mum as she undergoes another round of chemo.
She seems to be doing much better already.
They talk in her private parlour room for hours on end, and often there’s laughter.
Sometimes I’m called upon to have a chat, so as not to leave me out, I suspect, because those two have a bond that I can only dream of.
In my heart, there is a pang of hope that Cassie isn’t indifferent to the world after all; that she is touched by things both good and bad.
Because no strength lies in not allowing yourself to be touched by emotions and events in life.
It is the good times, but also the harder ones that tell us that we are truly living by knowing the differences between joy and tragedy.
Cassie seems to understand my mother’s illness, and is eager to get as much quality time with her as possible, which to me indicates that she is maturing and appreciating people and things much more. I am happy that they are getting the best out of each other.
Wandering around the villa after one of these chats, I end up on one of the terraces facing the Mediterranean Sea.
My father is sitting there, alone, overwhelmed and depleted of all his energy.
I wrap my arms around him just as his shoulders begin to shake and he finally lets himself go into a long-pent-up sob.
‘Oh, Dad!’ I whisper, holding him and suddenly it’s like I’m comforting Joe.
For years my father has been my rock, my true north when I needed him most. And for years he has ignored his own pain and simply got on with life without his own love. A bit like I am doing.
‘Don’t cry, Dad,’ I whisper. ‘It’ll be okay, I promise you. We’re all here together now.’
‘I’m not crying just for your mother, pet,’ he sucks in his breath. ‘I’m crying for you, too.’
‘Me?’
‘I’m crying for the life that you’ll miss out on if you don’t act now.’
He means my marriage. Which is far from being my priority right now. It’s really all that obvious to everyone, I know. And yet, I have to try and make light of it for as long as I can, or at least for now, for the kids’ sake.
‘Dad, it’s okay…’
‘But it’s not, sweetheart. Haven’t you learnt anything from our mistakes? Do you think you’re going to live forever? It goes quickly, you know, love, so pick up the phone. Tell Simon you don’t love him anymore. He’ll accept it. He already has an inkling, hasn’t he?’
I shrug and swipe at a tear. I’m not crying for Simon, of course.
I’m crying for all the time we waste in our lives trying to do the right thing.
I’m crying for all the years that I could have been, if not happy, at least independent and free to love whomever I chose.
Not that there could ever be anyone besides, well, you know who.
And I’m crying for my parents’ sacrifices.
‘Will you think about your old dad’s words?’ he asks and I kiss his cheek.
‘I will. Thank you, Dad.’
‘Do it tonight. Tomorrow is another day. It could be a brand-new day for you. The first day of the rest of your life without Simon.’
‘I will,’ I promise. And I find that I mean it.
I retire briefly to my room for a heart to heart with Simon. I know I shouldn’t be doing it over the phone, but honestly, we’re just slowly pulling out each other’s teeth. Why not curtail the agony? So I dial his number.
He answers on the fourth ring. ‘Hello, Olivia.’
‘Hi…’ I breathe, my heart pounding. How do I do this? Can I actually do this over the phone? Doesn’t he deserve a better approach? He still is, after all, the father of my children.
‘How’s your mum doing?’ he asks, interrupting my internal debate.
‘She’s okay for now,’ I say. It’s nice of him to ask, even if he’s never met her.
‘Right,’ he says. ‘So, when will you and the kids be coming home?’
‘I don’t know, Simon. We’ll probably be out here a little longer.’
‘Right. Well, in that case, I’ll say yes to a conference in Florida.’
‘Florida?’
‘Yes, at Disneyworld. The firm’s booked a block of rooms for a week.’
‘Oh. Right.’
‘You don’t mind, Olivia?’
‘Not at all. Actually, Simon—’
‘It’s okay, Olivia.’
‘What?’
He sighs. ‘You want out. And frankly, so do I. When you get back, we’ll figure out something fair for the kids. I don’t want them, or you, to suffer. Okay?’
I can’t believe I’m hearing this. I’m stunned into silence.
‘Let me ask you something,’ he continues. ‘Is Markus there with you?’
I roll my eyes. How many times have we had this conversation? ‘Not with me per se, Simon. He’s with the family. He practically is family.’
‘Did you ask yourself even for a moment why I wasn’t invited?’
‘Because you never… cared,’ I defend. ‘Anything that has ever had anything to do with my family, you weren’t there for me, Simon.’
At the other end, I hear a sigh. ‘Would it have made a difference? Would you have loved me more?’
‘Would you?’ I ask. ‘I did everything I could so that you would love me, Simon. I gave you two kids, a home, the best years of my— Never mind. We’ll talk when I get back. I’m glad that you want to do this properly, with no animosity.’
‘I haven’t been the best husband, I know. I guess I owe you that much. Give your family my best, Olivia. I hope your mother goes into remission. I truly do.’
‘Thank you, Simon. Take care.’
I hang up and dash my knuckles over my cheeks.
*
It’s past midnight now and the house is quiet. As I pass Markus’s door, I hear him speaking in urgent tones and can’t help but stop to listen.
‘No, Lilja, I haven’t told her yet. It’s not the right time; her mother is very ill. Yes, I know there’s no time like the present, but stop rushing me. I’ll lay it down easy but right now she’s not ready, okay?’
I freeze in my tracks. Her. And she’s obviously impatient about something.
Oh my God, it can only be one thing. She has finally made inroads into his heart.
Convinced him that if she can’t join our company, they should start their own, and start their own life together, and he hasn’t got the heart to tell me.
This is it, the moment I’ve been dreading for ten years.
I can’t even think of how we’re going to manage without Markus.
He is my wingman, my partner in crime. I could have done none of this without him.
And now he’s leaving, taking my heart with him, and there’s nothing I can do.
He must do what’s best for him, even if I know that she will never love him like I do.
Because I love him for the person that he is, not just his looks or his talent.
I love him for his laughter, the twinkle in his eye, the way he breathes deeply instead of getting angry at a problem or an annoying person.
I love him for the way he sees the world: a good place where he needs to do his best. I love him for how he embraces my dad at the end of a long day to thank him for his help, how he cheers up my children when they are down and how he takes the drama out of my daily life whenever I get too upset.
But I can’t love him only because he makes our lives better. I have to love him also because he should make his own life better.
This is how life works. You find people, you lose people. It feels like a crazy merry-go-round that never stops, but we must learn to find peace in all the confusion.
I can’t tell Markus about my feelings because that would only be a spanner in the works of his own life. Besides, there’s someone else I need to concentrate on now more than anyone else. She needs to hear my feelings more than Markus right now.
The rest of the house is dark but for the light in the corridor opposite Mum’s room. The nurse sitting in an armchair in the corridor assures me that she is sleeping peacefully. I poke my head in, observing her from the door lest I wake her up.
Aldo is there, asleep, his head on her bed and holding her hand.
He hasn’t left her side except to give us some alone time.
He’s so in love with her it makes my heart ache.
Theirs is a love that I’d failed to understand.
She’d given him a kidney, part of herself, for him.
I would do the same for Markus, only he’ll never know.
Markus and Aldo have a lot in common. A quiet assurance that everything will be all right, even if it might not be.
And my mother… she looks so small, almost like a young girl, with her long blonde hair pillowing her head.
She has always been so beautiful, with high cheekbones and well-defined features.
She’s breathing evenly. Tomorrow we’ll talk some more.
I’ll tell her about my call with Simon. She’ll be proud of me.
Aldo stirs softly, then lifts his head to check on her.
He feels her forehead, then gently kisses it, smoothing back her hair and caressing her jaw as a tiny sob escapes him.
We both know he’s not worried about her broken leg, but about what might happen down the line.
It’s too much to watch and my breath catches in my throat.
He turns around and sees me. He makes to get up, but I rush forward and place my hands on his shoulders to make sure he stays where he is. Where he belongs.
And then, before I know it, my arms encircle his shoulders and I plant a soft kiss on his cheek. It is sandpaper-y, as he hasn’t had time to shave or groom himself as he usually does. Usually he is impeccable, judging from the photos and everything Mum’s told me about him. But now he’s a wreck.
Surprised at my gesture of affection, he covers my hand with his and squeezes it gently.
‘Thank you for loving my mother so much,’ I whisper and he bites his lip and nods.
‘She loves you so much, too, you know,’ he whispers back.
A big boulder has lodged itself in my throat, so I only nod.
There is so much more to say. I have so much to apologise for.
My selfishness. My stubbornness. My lack of empathy.
I could have got over it as an adult. But I’d preferred to play the victim.
And now I might even lose my mother when I’ve barely started to know her.
I thought I knew her, but it turns out that so many sides of her were completely unknown to me.
I could have relented and forgiven her all these years.
I could have accepted her invitation to Sicily to get to know Aldo and his lovely family.
I could have had a second, Sicilian family. But I refused it.
‘Tomorrow,’ he says. ‘We will all talk. There is a trust in your name that you—’
‘Please,’ I say, stopping him. ‘You’re right. There is so much to say in the next few days. Let it not be about money.’
‘I understand, Olivia. But your mother and I want you to have it. For your and your children’s sake. You are going to need it if you decide to really follow your heart. Don’t make our same mistake. Don’t wait too long.’
I sit in silence. I don’t know what to say. All I know is that things will never be the same again.