Chapter Thirty-Three
Ashlynn
I sat alone in my room at Steele’s estate, more confused than ever. I’d watched over him the past forty-eight hours, keeping a bedside vigil. When he awoke, I assumed he’d pepper me with kisses and praise. I wasn’t expecting a confrontation about my feelings, and I definitely wasn’t prepared for it. Yet Steele was nothing but intense, and I should have known he would want answers. To say that I felt horrible was an understatement. I’d betrayed the first man to ever love me.
I wandered down to the kitchen, wanting to check on Steele’s dinner. Now that he was conscious, I was eager to get him off the IV and on to regular foods. Glinda greeted me as I walked in. She appeared to harbor no ill-will about my father’s men storming the estate, but, then again, unlike Steele, she didn’t know that I could have prevented the whole thing.
“What can I get you, Ashlynn?”
“What does Steele like best? I want him to have something nutritious, but also something he loves.” Even though he was mad at me, I still wanted to help care for him until he was back on his feet. It was the only thing I could think of to help assuage my guilt.
“He mostly likes scotch,” Glinda said with a gleam in her eye.
I laughed, despite the tense conversation between Steele and me. “That one I know.”
She smiled at me, then turned her back to check something on the stove. “I’ll heat up a stew. It’s not his favorite, per se, but if you bring it to him, he’ll be happy.”
Sheesh. Did everyone around here know Steele’s feelings for me? Cooper seemed well aware of our situation, too.
I pulled up a chair and then went to the refrigerator, looking for my own dinner.
“No no no,” tutted Glinda, putting a plate in front of me. Roasted chicken and fresh vegetables. I could barely take my eyes off of the dish. It looked so good.
“You’ve been taking such good care of Mr. Steele, you need a hot meal and a break too, petite cherie.”
I devoured the meal, having not eaten more than a snack here and there since I”d broken Steele out of the warehouse.
As I finished, Glinda made up a tray. “I think you should take it to him,” she said, winking.
I sighed and grabbed the tray, heading for his room. The door was shut, so at some point Quincy must have gone into his room and tidied up. There was no way Steele was strong enough to get out of bed yet. I opened the door with my elbow, trying to balance the tray.
I walked into his private space, past the sitting room and into his bedroom. He was asleep, his eyes resting peacefully, his chest moving up and down rhythmically. Just three days ago I was horrified, thinking that he might not be alive, and now I was in his estate, bringing him dinner in bed. I placed the tray on the nightstand and turned to leave the room, but his hand suddenly grasped my elbow. I looked back at him, seeing the look of contrition on his handsome features.
“I’m sorry, my love. I didn’t mean to be so cross with you. I’m in a lot of…pain.”
It was the first time he put the ‘my’ in front of love. I was used to the way he called me love, and it wasn’t particularly special when I knew a lot of Brits used the name love quite casually. But when he said my love, it did something funny to my insides. As if I had a gymnastic star rolling around and flipping in my belly.
“It’s okay,” I whispered, afraid my voice would betray me.
He patted the empty side of the bed, and I grabbed the tray and sat down next to him. I took a spoonful of the soup and brought it to his mouth.
“I can feed myself,” he said irritably, but then breathed deeply when he realized how close I was to him. “Put the spoon down. There’s only one thing I want you to be doing right now, and it’s not feeding me.”
His eyes darkened, and the stern and sensual Steele I knew rose to the surface, the desire plain to see on his face.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” I faltered.
“I don’t think I’ve ever had a better idea.” He reached up and stroked my cheek with one hand, his other hand immobile and tethered to the IV stand.
“You’re going to injure yourself further.”
“Then stop making me beg for it.”
I sighed, but then sat on my knees and moved closer. Our lips met, and we both groaned. I’d missed kissing him so much, missed the way he kissed me like I was the only thing that mattered. Steele could have anything he wanted, anyone he wanted, but he wanted only me.
He deepened our kiss, but I pulled back, worried about his condition. “You need to heal first.”
He grabbed my hand and placed it on top of the bulge growing under the sheet. He was hard and aching. That was the Steele I knew. “I’ll never heal properly with this bothering me.”
I pulled my hand away and gave him a scowl. His eyes glistened as he looked up at me. “You can’t blame a man for trying.”
Steele continued to heal, quicker than I anticipated. Within a week or so, he was able to make small trips to the bathroom by himself, which he was incredibly relieved about. Me accompanying him to the bathroom was not on his list of things he wanted to do with me.
We’d kissed here and there, but I tried hard to avoid it. I didn’t want to jump back into bed with him. Not when my feelings were so murky. The second I started again, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I needed time to figure things out without hormones messing with my head.
One morning I came back to his bedroom after changing, and he surprised me, dressed in a t-shirt and jeans.
“Are you going somewhere?” I asked, running my fingers through my hair.
He smiled, standing upright and walking towards me slowly. “I have to get moving so I can chase around my woman when she tries to avoid me.”
My pulse thrummed when he called me his woman and a deep blush migrated from my cheeks down to my neck and chest.
“I’m not avoiding you.”
“Yes, you are. Every time I try to touch you, you pull away. You can make up excuses about my health, but I feel like I’m losing you.”
Sometimes I forgot how smart he was.
“I want you—I do. Trust me,” I said.
He smiled and I could practically see his ego inflate.
“But I can’t figure things out between us when…when we’re together that way.”
His eyes met mine directly, and I could read so many expressions on his face. Lust, determination, need…and disappointment.
“I won’t rush you, Ashlynn. You know how I feel. I’ve never wanted something as bad as I want you. I’m used to taking whatever I want, possessing the unpossessable—but you, my darling girl, will be worth the wait.”
I looked away, my emotions raw. His confessions managed to get underneath my skin and fester, like a rough splinter. One day I wouldn’t be able to remove them without carving out chunks of myself.
Thankfully Steele changed the subject, most likely sensing my unease. “Shall we go for a walk?”
“Are you up for it?” I appraised him. His color had returned, and his eye was no longer swollen shut. The wounds on his chest were still significant, and I knew he’d carry the scars forever. His front now matched his back, and I felt pain every time I looked at it. I loved his chest, loved to run my fingers up and down his strong pectoral muscles. But now I only felt guilt.
“I’m always up for it.”
His double meaning didn’t escape my notice, but I ignored it. I moved closer to him, holding out my arm so I could support him, but instead, he pulled me tightly into his chest. I could feel his heartbeat, feel his chest move up and down with his labored breathing.
We walked down the stairs, one step at a time. Steele needed my help, but every time he reached for me it felt more and more intimate. A hand on my back. His arm on my shoulder. His thigh grazing mine. By the time we got down the stairs, I was gasping, and not from the exertion.
“I want to show you something,” he said, turning towards his office. We moved slowly down the hall, and then I helped him inside.
A white box sat on his desk, with a large blue bow wrapped prettily around it.
Steele sat down behind his desk, grunting softly through the discomfort.
“Glinda wrapped it,” he said, nodding towards the package.
It was too big to be jewelry, and I was thankful for that. I hadn’t seen the pink diamond engagement ring since before my father sent his men to retrieve me. I’d taken it off when I showered, and left it on the countertop, but it wasn’t there when I returned. Steele never mentioned it again, and I wasn’t sure what happened to it. But this box was much bigger.
“Open it,” he encouraged.
I undid the bow and lifted the lid, and then smiled.
A Nikon Z8 camera was wrapped in the tissue paper.
Steele knew me better than anyone.
“This is way too expensive,” I said, picking it up carefully.
“Nothing is too expensive for my baby.”
I looked at him, watched him drum his fingers on the wooden desk, his eyes unflinching as he watched me.
“I can’t—”
“Just take it and say thank you.”
I mumbled my thanks, already fiddling with the buttons.
“You can bring it on our walk,” he suggested, and I helped him to his feet.
We moved outside and onto the grounds. The snow started to fall, and it blanketed his estate.
Steele tired easily, and he decided to sit just in front of the large outdoor fireplace. I could feel his eyes on me as I played around with my new camera, taking pictures of the snow and the trees. I tried different angles, messed around with all the features, truly enjoying myself.
After an hour, I came back to Steele. “Aren’t you bored?”
He bit his bottom lip. “I haven’t been bored since the day I met you, Ash.”
Another week went by, and Steele and I coexisted peacefully. He got stronger every day, but we didn’t sleep together. We cuddled and watched TV together at night, and he watched me as I wandered around the estate, stalking wildlife and finding beauty through the lens of my camera.
He didn’t bring up our relationship again, and neither did I. I pushed the conversation away, simply enjoying the small pleasures in life. I didn’t know how long we could keep up this limbo period, but I didn’t want to rock the boat.
I was just about to go for a run when Steele asked me to join him in his office. It was odd the way he asked me. It felt so formal, and just so unlike our relationship. I sat across the desk from him. His hair was the longest I’d seen it, and he kept pushing it out of his eyes uncomfortably as I fidgeted in my chair.
“What’s going on?”
He passed a legal envelope across the desk. I opened it, and my mouth dropped.
It was the deed to a small house near where I’d lived before. A set of car keys fell out of the envelope, and credit cards in my name. A phone. Fake identification.
“Steele, what the hell is this?”
His jaw was tense, but when he met my eyes, he instantly softened.
“I can’t keep you here anymore, Ashlynn. As much as I want to, it has to be your choice. I’m giving you your freedom. You’ll have a house, a car, credit cards and a large bank account, all in your name. Think of it as reparations for kidnapping you.”
I leaned back in the leather chair, shook. “You don’t have to do this. I don’t need your money.”
“Ashlynn, because of me, you have no job. No apartment. Most likely no trust fund. I’m sure your father disinherited you the second he figured out what you’d done for me. I owe you this.”
“I can’t accept it.” I pushed the envelope towards him, but he put his hand over mine.
“Please, take it. It’s the only way I can let you go. The house is in a safe area, and I don’t want you walking or running at night anymore. Promise me you’ll make smart choices. Stay safe.” His hand clenched mine tightly, and then he released it and stood up. He walked over to where I sat and brushed his lips gently against mine.
“I love you, Ashlynn. I’ll always love you. If you ever need anything, I’m here for you. Please know that.”
He looked at me one last time, and then blinked rapidly, and turned away and walked out of his study.
His men packed up my things swiftly, and by the afternoon, there was nothing left to do. Quincy pulled my new car around, a cute little white sedan that fit me perfectly. A few men loaded my car with the suitcase I was taking with me; the rest of my items would be following behind in a small moving truck.
I tried to say goodbye to Steele, but I couldn’t find him. I guessed that he’d left while I was packing, unable to watch me drive away. I was hurt, but I understood. The second I left his property, I’d no longer be his.
That fact alone hurt me more than I thought it would.
I hugged Glinda, who was crying, and shook hands with Quincy.
“No hard feelings, right Quincy?”
He gave a small smile, so tiny and fleeting that I thought I’d imagined it for a second, before he ignored me and looked ahead.
“Glinda, look after Steele,” I whispered, as she pulled me tight for another hug. “Try to get him to cut back on his drinking.
“I will,” she promised.
There was nothing left to do. I slid into the driver’s seat and started the ignition. I circled the loop, and then started down the long driveway. Out of my rear-view mirror, I could see Steele standing in the window of the room I’d occupied. He was watching me off, watching me disappear from his life.
I didn’t even get down to the gate before I burst into tears.
The house was bigger than I needed, and it had a gated drive and a pretty advanced security system. Based on the bits of plaster on the floor directly underneath the control pad, I had a feeling that Steele had it installed just for me.
He wanted me safe.
His men were instructed to move all my furniture in and set everything up. The rooms were much larger than the ones in my flat, and I’d have to get some extra furniture to fill the space. I had two free rooms now, and I planned to use one as a dark room so I could focus on my photography, and then turn the other one into a guest room.
I finished organizing the kitchen the way I wanted it, and then I went upstairs to unpack my clothes and accessories. I’d told Steele’s men to leave that stuff to me; I didn’t want his cronies sorting out my bras and underwear.
The elegant evening gowns had been packed, and I sighed, not having the slightest clue what I’d need them for now. But I hung them in the closet anyway, and I continued to put away my shirts and pants in the dresser drawer.
When I pulled out my last pair of jeans, a tiny box slipped out.
A ring box.
I opened it carefully, and there sat the pink diamond ring Steele had given me during our fake engagement. A note was tucked inside, and my stomach lurched as my eyes flew over his masculine handwriting.
This isn’t a proposal. If I proposed to you, I’d do it naked. That way you’d say yes. But I wanted you to have this ring. I know you loved it, even though you tried to hide it. And perhaps, just perhaps, it’ll keep men away from you until you’re ready to move on. I know I’ll sleep easier knowing I’m still there with you in some way.
All my love,
Daniel
I removed the ring from the box and slipped it on, the weight on my hand feeling comfortable, like an old friend.
I sat on the bed, truly alone for the first time in forever. The house was quiet, and I wasn’t used to it. The silence stretched on, like an untraveled dirt road winding up the mountains. I couldn’t keep my eyes off the ring. I’d put it on my right hand, rather than wearing it like an engagement ring. I did love it, and I was glad that I would have a part of Steele with me. When I was old and gray, I’d remember the passionate nights I spent in my youth with a man who was just not right for me.
The silence finally got to me, so I turned on some music and then pulled out my laptop. I’d need to find a job, and soon, because I was determined not to use Steele’s money for anything. Luckily Steele had procured me a work permit with the other identification, so I was officially able to work in the United Kingdom. I searched through a few job sites, and then worked on getting my resume up to date. I’d have to find a way to explain my gap of employment when interviewing, but Steele had given me the perfect excuse about my father being ill. The Harringtons believed that to be the case as well, so if an employer contacted them for references, it would all add up. As much as I loved the Harrington kiddos, I couldn’t go back, even if they’d take me again. They were a part of Steele’s world.
I’d go back to being just Ashlynn. Amateur photographer with an education in Humanities. Good lord, what was I going to do with my life?
I applied for a few barista jobs, and then closed the lid to my laptop.
Freedom had sounded a lot better in my head.