3 #3
He turned us until the edge of the counter pressed against my lower back, his body closing around mine without trapping me there. One hand spread wide against my waist while the other slid into my hair, angling my head as his mouth moved over mine again.
I had kissed men before, but nothing about that experience had prepared me for Ryan.
He kissed with the same focus he gave everything else. There was no hesitation once he committed and no distracted searching for what came next. He paid attention to every breath, every shift of my mouth, and every time my fingers tightened against his shirt.
When I made the smallest sound against his lips, he paused just enough to look at me.
That look nearly finished me.
“What?” I whispered.
Ryan’s thumb brushed my cheek. “Nothing.”
“That’s a lie.”
“Yeah.”
“Thought you usually tell the truth.”
His mouth curved against mine. “Truth is nobody’s business sometimes.”
I should’ve laughed.
Instead, I kissed him again.
Ryan caught me beneath the thighs and lifted me onto the counter so easily that my breath left in surprise. My hands went automatically to his shoulders as he stepped between my knees.
The position put us almost eye level.
His gaze moved over my face. “You good?”
“Yes.”
“Still want this?”
“Yes.”
His hand slid around the back of my neck. “Good.”
Then he kissed me again, and the second time carried none of the patience of the first.
My fingers pushed into his hair, gripping the short strands near the back of his head while his mouth moved from mine to the corner of my jaw.
Heat followed every place he touched.
His lips brushed beneath my ear, and I inhaled sharply.
Ryan stopped.
I opened my eyes and found him watching me.
“What?”
“That.”
“What about it?”
“You liked it.”
Heat flooded my face.
His dimple appeared.
“You’re impossible.”
“I pay attention.”
“I’m beginning to hate that sentence.”
“You don’t.”
I tugged his hair just hard enough to wipe the smile off his face.
Ryan’s eyes darkened. “That was a bad idea, mi hada.”
“Was it?”
His hand tightened at my waist, and the answer disappeared beneath another kiss.
This one turned reckless faster.
My knees tightened around his hips as Ryan moved closer, his chest pressing against mine while I pulled him in.
Every layer of clothing suddenly felt inconvenient.
His hands stayed at my waist and neck, but the restraint in them had become visible now, something he was actively holding instead of something that came naturally.
I could feel how badly he wanted more.
Knowing it made me braver.
I slid my hands beneath the hem of his shirt.
Ryan’s stomach tightened beneath my palms. His mouth stopped against mine, and for one second, neither of us moved.
Then I traced my fingers higher.
Ryan caught both my wrists.
The kiss ended so abruptly that it took my body several seconds to understand.
I stared at him. His breathing was rough, and so was mine.
Ryan lowered my hands slowly but didn’t release them.
Confusion came first. Embarrassment arrived immediately after it, burning through every part of me he had just touched.
I pulled my hands back. “Sorry.”
His brows drew together. “For what?”
“I thought—”
“Don’t.”
The word wasn’t sharp, but it stopped me.
I looked away, and that made his expression change.
Ryan stepped closer again, enough that his knees touched the counter between mine, though his hands stayed away from me.
“Charm.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re doing the thing.”
“What thing?”
“Deciding what I’m thinking before I fucking say it.”
My face burned hotter. “I didn’t.”
“You apologized.”
“Because you stopped.”
“Yeah.”
The quiet answer hurt more than it should have.
I stared at the neckline of his shirt because looking at his face felt impossible. “Why did you stop?”
“Because I want you.”
My eyes lifted. “That doesn’t make sense.”
Ryan’s jaw flexed. For one brief second, something close to fear passed through his expression, too fast for me to understand before he buried it beneath the control I knew better.
“Because I’ve wanted you for years, and if I fuck you tonight, you’ll spend tomorrow deciding whether you did it correctly.”
Everything inside me went still.
The apartment seemed suddenly too quiet around us.
I couldn’t decide which part of the sentence had hit harder: that he had wanted me for years, that he had just admitted exactly where this had been going, or that he knew me well enough to understand what tomorrow would probably look like.
“That’s not fair.”
“I know.”
“You don’t know what I’d think tomorrow.”
“I know what you did after answering one question wrong in front of Klein’s teaching assistant last spring.”
“That has nothing to do with this.”
“You spent two days deciding whether you sounded stupid.”
“That was academic.”
“You reorganized Bliss’s pantry.”
“She had cereal mixed with canned food.”
“Because you were freaking out.”
I crossed my arms, then realized I was still sitting on his counter with my knees bracketing him and dropped them again.
Ryan’s mouth twitched.
“Don’t smile.”
“I’m trying not to.”
“This isn’t funny.”
“I know.”
“Then stop looking amused.”
“I’m not amused.” His expression softened. “You’re pissed because I’m right.”
“I’m pissed because you decided what I would do before I had the chance to do it.”
That wiped the last trace of humor from his face.
Ryan held my gaze. “You’re right.”
The immediate answer took some of the fight out of me.
He moved one step back, enough to give me space without leaving.
“I’m not deciding whether you can handle sex with me,” he said. “That choice is yours. I’m deciding whether I’m willing to do this tonight knowing neither one of us has said what the fuck this is.”
My chest tightened.
There was the question I had been carefully avoiding since the Book Nook.
Maybe longer.
“We’re friends.”
“Yeah.”
“And we kissed.”
“We definitely did that.”
“Ryan.”
“I’m listening.”
I looked down at my hands.
Friend sounded too small now. It had probably been too small for years.
Ryan Decker was the man every woman noticed. Semi-pro hockey player. Tattoos. Spanish came naturally from his mouth in a way that made me want to listen even when I couldn’t understand him. He could walk into the Sin Bin and have company before finishing one beer.
I had spent years convincing myself that wanting him was harmless because I was one of many. Friendship had been the safer thing because friendship meant I got to keep him.
This felt like standing close enough to the edge that one wrong answer could cost me both.
“You could have anyone,” I said.
Ryan’s eyebrows pulled together. “What?”
The words sounded stupid once they were outside my head. I shrugged. “You know what I mean.”
“No, I actually don’t.”
“Every woman at KFU has wanted you at some point.”
“That’s dramatic.”
“Bliss has photographic evidence.”
“Bliss has photographic evidence of everything.”
“You know women want you.”
Ryan stared at me like he was trying to figure out how the conversation had turned this direction. “I’m aware women have wanted to fuck me.”
The confidence in the answer irritated me exactly as much as it should have.
“Thank you for confirming.”
“You brought it up.”
“I’m saying you have options.”
“So do you.”
“That isn’t the same.”
“Why?”
Because I wasn’t Ryan. Men looked at me and saw a body I spent most of my time hating.
Ryan had kissed women who probably never stood naked in front of mirrors searching for new reasons to despise themselves, and friendship with him mattered enough that losing it terrified me more than admitting I wanted him.
I couldn’t say any of that.
“I don’t know.”
Ryan stepped forward again and settled one hand lightly on my knee.
“Look at me.”
I did.
“You think I stopped because I changed my mind about wanting you?”
The fact that he had found the exact fear so easily made me hate myself a little.
I looked away.
Ryan’s fingers tightened gently against my knee. “Charm.”
“Maybe.”
“Fuck.”
My gaze snapped back to him.
He shook his head, the frustration aimed entirely at himself. “That’s not what happened.”
“I know that now.”
“No. I need you to actually hear me.”
His hand moved from my knee to my waist, slower this time.
“I stopped because if I keep going with you, I’m not treating it like some random hookup.”
My heart stumbled.
Ryan looked almost irritated by the admission, but beneath it was the same emotion I had caught before. Whatever he felt for me had moved past the point where he could dismiss it, and trusting that seemed to frighten him as much as losing our friendship frightened me.
“You’re my friend,” he said. “Our people are my family. You matter to me before we ever get naked, which means I don’t get to act like none of this matters afterward.”
I swallowed. “So what are we doing?”
His thumb moved once against my side. “I don’t know yet.”
The honesty scared me more than a polished answer would have.
He noticed.
“I know what I want when I’m standing this close to you,” he continued. “That part is easy.”
My cheeks heated.
“The rest isn’t.”
“Because of my parents?”
Ryan’s expression changed barely enough for me to catch it.
“You hate my father.”
“I barely know your father.”
“That wasn’t a denial.”
“I don’t give a fuck what your father thinks about me.”
The answer came fast. Then his voice softened.
“I care what it does to you if he hates me.”
My stomach tightened. “He doesn’t know you.”
“He knows enough.”
“What does that mean?”
Ryan looked toward the living room for a second before returning to me.