7 #5
By the time we collected Walter from his extremely well-paid guardian and headed toward the parking lot, my feet hurt, my cheeks hurt from laughing, and I carried enough small prizes and food containers to prove Ryan had taken his original threat to spoil me seriously.
He refused to let me carry most of it.
“You already have Walter.”
“You’re carrying three bags.”
“I’m stronger.”
“That is becoming your answer to everything.”
“It keeps being true.”
We reached the truck, and Ryan put everything in the back before opening my door.
I didn’t climb inside.
He looked at me. “What?”
I stepped between him and the open door, and Ryan’s eyes dropped to my mouth.
“You had fun?”
“The most.”
“Good.”
“Thank you.”
His brows pulled together. “For what?”
“Tonight.”
“I wanted tonight.”
“That doesn’t mean I can’t thank you.”
He rested one hand against the side of the truck near my head. “You don’t owe me for being good to you.”
The words struck somewhere tender.
“I know.”
“You sure?”
I looked at him while his other hand settled at my waist.
“I’m trying to be.”
His thumb moved beneath the edge of his hoodie. “That’s enough.”
I rose onto my toes and kissed him.
Ryan responded immediately. His hand slid around my back and pulled me into him as the other moved into my hair.
The kiss turned hungry within seconds, fed by everything he had done all night, every touch, every look, and every stupid little thing he remembered because apparently I had mattered to him long before I understood it.
I wanted him so badly it almost made me angry.
My hands moved beneath his shirt, and Ryan’s abdomen tightened. He kissed me harder, pressing me between his body and the truck while my fingers explored warm skin.
For several breathless seconds, I believed this might finally be the night he didn’t stop.
Then headlights swept across the parking lot.
A car passed behind us, and my body stiffened before I could stop it. The reaction was small, automatic, and barely conscious, but Ryan felt it.
His mouth slowed.
I forced myself back into the kiss, but he was already pulling away. My heart dropped as he kept one hand around my waist and rested his forehead against mine.
His breathing remained rough, but something had changed in his expression. The heat was still there beneath a new wariness, and this time I understood it wasn’t his desire he was questioning.
“Someone might see us,” he said quietly.
The words made my stomach drop.
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.”
“I was surprised by the headlights.”
Ryan held my gaze. “You tried to let go of my hand when those girls looked at us. You called this hanging out when Evan asked if we were together, and every time somebody notices me touching you, your whole body changes.”
His voice remained controlled, but the truth had stripped the softness from it.
“I’m not embarrassed by you.”
“I didn’t say you were.”
“You’re thinking it.”
“No.” His jaw shifted. “I’m trying not to decide what it means before you tell me.”
The words carried more than the parking lot. For the first time all night, Ryan looked like the space he had opened for me might contain something sharp enough to reach him too.
“I don’t know what we are,” I said.
“That isn’t what I asked.”
“We haven’t told anyone.”
“Our friends already know something’s happening.”
“My parents don’t.”
Ryan went still.
The parking lot moved around us beneath engines, distant music, and headlights crossing the rows. His hand remained at my waist, but his fingers no longer moved.
“Is that what this is about?”
The question came carefully, like he already knew the answer could hurt.
“They’ll have opinions.”
“I know they will.”
“I’m not ready for them to turn this into something I have to defend.”
Ryan’s eyes held mine. “Me.”
“What?”
“You’re not ready to defend me.”
“That isn’t what I said.”
“It’s what you’re afraid of.”
I stared at him, unable to deny it without lying and terrified of what the truth sounded like from his side.
Ryan looked away for a second and dragged one hand over his jaw. When his gaze returned, the vulnerability had disappeared beneath the same control he wore whenever something came too close.
“I’m not asking you to tell Lance tonight,” he said. “I’m asking whether being seen with me feels like something you need to hide.”
“It doesn’t.”
His eyes searched mine.
I wanted the answer to be true. When it was only Ryan and me, it was. I loved the way he held my hand, touched me, kissed me, and looked at me like choosing me was the easiest decision he had made all day.
The fear began when choosing him became something other people could see.
“I’m scared,” I admitted.
Ryan’s expression softened, but the guarded edge remained. “Of me?”
“Never.”
“Then what?”
“Everything that comes after people know.”
He watched me long enough that the passing headlights illuminated one side of his face and disappeared.
“Okay,” he finally said. “I can work with scared.”
The careful answer hurt more than easy reassurance would have.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize and turn it into something you have to perform better next time.” Ryan brushed his thumb once across my waist. “Just don’t lie to me about it.”
“I won’t.”
He looked at my mouth, then back at my eyes. The heat between us hadn’t disappeared, but neither had the first crack in the night.
“Get in the truck, mi hada.”
His voice was still gentle. That somehow made the ache worse.
I climbed inside while Ryan closed the door and rounded the hood. The mirror version of me returned immediately, cataloging everything I had mishandled. Too scared. Too difficult. Too weak to claim something I wanted the moment wanting it required courage.
Ryan climbed in and started the engine. His hand reached across the console, but this time he paused before touching me.
The hesitation devastated me.
I placed my hand in his.
His fingers closed around mine, warm and steady, but I knew something had changed. Ryan had always reached without wondering whether I wanted to be seen reaching back.
Now he knew I might let go.
The ride home stayed soft enough that no one else would have noticed the difference.
Ryan kept my hand and turned the music down when I grew quiet.
Twice, he kissed my knuckles at red lights.
When we reached my apartment, he carried Walter upstairs because apparently the panda was too large for me to manage independently.
I unlocked the door, and Ryan followed me inside before placing the stuffed animal on the couch. Walter took up half of it.
I laughed despite myself. “He looks ridiculous.”
“You wanted him.”
“I love him.”
“Great. I’ve been replaced.”
“You had a good run.”
Ryan turned, and the smile on his face softened when he saw me.
The apartment was quiet around us without headlights, strangers, or anyone watching. My heartbeat picked up again as Ryan came closer and settled his hands around my waist.
I waited for him to kiss me.
His mouth moved over mine slowly and tenderly, carrying none of the hunger from the parking lot. The gentleness scared me more because I couldn’t tell whether he was protecting me, protecting himself, or trying to prove that nothing had changed.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and tried to deepen the kiss. Ryan let me for a few seconds before slowing me again.
Something inside me cracked, and I pulled back.
“You should go.”
His brows drew together. “What?”
“You have to leave early.”
“I’m aware.”
“You should sleep.”
Ryan stared at me while I smiled because that was what I did when I needed a conversation to end before someone discovered how badly I was losing control.
“Tonight was perfect.”
His hands stayed at my waist. “Charm, what just happened?”
“Nothing happened.”
“Bullshit.”
My stomach tightened. “I’m tired.”
“You’ve been tired before.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“The truth would be a start.”
I looked away.
Ryan’s fingers flexed against my waist before he released me, and the loss made my chest ache immediately.
“You had fun tonight?”
“Yes.”
“Were you comfortable with me?”
“Yes.”
“Did I do something?”
“No.”
His eyes searched mine. “Then why do you suddenly look like you’re trying not to cry?”
I hated him for noticing. “I’m not.”
“Charm.”
“Ryan, I said I’m fine.”
The lie landed wrong between us.
His jaw tightened. For a second, neither of us spoke before Ryan dragged one hand over the back of his neck.
“Okay.”
I looked at him.
That wasn’t what I wanted either.
He stepped toward the door, and panic moved through me.
“You’re leaving?”
“You just told me to.”
“I know.”
Ryan’s eyes held mine.